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Old Story Means A Lot

FrancSevin said:
How many times do I have to say it.

Forgive yes, for we are all fallible
Forget? No because we are all fallible.
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I can agree up to a point. He can remember all he wants to but should quit hounding his wife about something that happened over 40 years ago.
 
power1 said:
I guess I am more of a problem solver. When I have a problem I actually try to solve that problem. Some people do not want to solve the problem, just talk about it. I thought the meme fit right in here. You do not know if she did the deed or he is making it up. You do not know whose fault it was. If he was in pain he would have done something about it long before now.
What I am trying to do is let him know it happens. If you are not going to do something about it and it has been that long ago, it is best to forgive and forget. I cannot see any good about holding on to something so long. It has to have some effect on both of their lives. By holding something against a person that long and expecting to have a relationship with that person, it amounts to a form of cruelty.
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Just want to say this to you....If I was making it up why would I take the time to try and find a solution? Maybe you have never really loved some one deep enough to want to make it go away by finding the solution with out doing damage back to the one who damaged you? DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT YOU SAY? WHAT IS THE SOMETHING YOU WOULD DO about it where I failed so much if it was my fault as you seem to be stuck on, problem solver? One part of this old puzzle it to find out if in fact she felt like it was my fault I would most certainly like to expel it or have a chance to and always would have from day 1 the deceit started.
She done the deed all on her own and later I found out she actually went back for more by her own admission of picking HIM up!

But is adamit that No sexual contacts were made what so ever ot even attempted by either one and no attraction according to her in respect to him! If she was /is making a true statement which was made by her after many years of denial any of this took place but only one time makes no sense or credibility by her for all the years of secrecy which would never have been needed to do! So why did she do it? What is she hiding? She absolutly does not want to admit or perhaps expose what ever she is hiding and its so important she keeps exposing a little more at a time but keeps the core buried very deep?
 
Oldtimer661 said:
Just want to say this to you....If I was making it up why would I take the time to try and find a solution? Maybe you have never really loved some one deep enough to want to make it go away by finding the solution with out doing damage back to the one who damaged you? DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT YOU SAY? WHAT IS THE SOMETHING YOU WOULD DO about it where I failed so much if it was my fault as you seem to be stuck on, problem solver? One part of this old puzzle it to find out if in fact she felt like it was my fault I would most certainly like to expel it or have a chance to and always would have from day 1 the deceit started.
She done the deed all on her own and later I found out she actually went back for more by her own admission of picking HIM up!

But is adamit that No sexual contacts were made what so ever ot even attempted by either one and no attraction according to her in respect to him! If she was /is making a true statement which was made by her after many years of denial any of this took place but only one time makes no sense or credibility by her for all the years of secrecy which would never have been needed to do! So why did she do it? What is she hiding? She absolutly does not want to admit or perhaps expose what ever she is hiding and its so important she keeps exposing a little more at a time but keeps the core buried very deep?
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That was years ago. The time to do something or even ask questions was when you first found out about it. Now it is years later. If you care anything about her let it go.
 
Thanks for every ones input and all your concerns and opinions its what I asked for and got. What a great forum this is glad I found it. I just want akll of you to know this was not fiction nor made to look like I was a innocent man who never made mistakes for years of which I may have. I can tell you one key part you must know, I did not do any thing about it for the nearly the first decade of our marriage because I never believed it and believed my wife loving her very much. (The guy she was out with knew her entire time I dated her before we was married and my best friend so I believed two of the most trusted people I knew at the time for years and DROPPED IT!) When the actual evidence came forward and hit me between the eyes from one I least expected to tell me and point it out to me opened my eyes very much and I had a daughter who then was new born when we got married , and a second daughter who was year younger so they at the time my eyes were opened was 10 years old. I believed before I never thought about,then after my eyes were opened I confronted it both of them and done something about it then. They both denied it he was then cut from my life very quickly little by little more each month and year until I never went around him and I began to look at things to see if there was more to it than ONE TIME SHE WENT OUT with HIM. It took some years but I then found out it was more than once so I confronted several times afterwards got the same answer from her. This was not me harping her all the time she was a good wife best friend to me raising our kids! I dropped it thinking maybe she was telling it like it was it was only once and she admitted it no big deal. Then I find out from three very excellent sources it was more than one time and in fact he had done quite a bit the sources were SISTERS and one was My Males best friends BROTHER who even told me she picked HIM up Several times he seen thought nothing of it until her sisters told me !! So NOT HARPING i went to her again are sure it was only ONCE? Well I then get two times after I spoke of proof.....then some later she tells me it was maybe more than three! Called her sisters lairs!! Later told he did n fact pick her up and her sisters saw it! Then she admits she don't know how many times, and no sex, no contacts no moves and no attraction....we are now in to many years of our marriage with kids long gone raised.......

I now have no kids involved. I have lived my life pretty much with enough assets she cannot break me or her. My health is bad not hers. I cannot get out why? OMG why? (We were only married 4 months when did this with a baby girl that was 6 months old!) How long did it go on, Why and how could she go pick him up and pick him up repeatedly with no attraction or goals or sex? Why would they do it just to see each other hidden from ALL and in secrecy? She is hiding something very ugly and I may never know but I never caused her to do it I don't think? I don't know? May not ever she is sticking to her guns?

This forum did fact help me and I hope maybe others as well. Maybe I should have left her and the two girls but I never I was a good husband and Father never unemployed always provided for her and them no assistance EVER! I need to make a move.
 
Doc said:
I also tend to agree. Mainly due to the time that has passed with out addressing the issue that has been bothering him.
I have to wonder if every time he hugs her does he think of the infidelities? Same for when he kisses her and makes love to her? If so I don't understand how you held it in so long. Like Franc said, let it out and see where things land.

On the other hand, if you've been happily married for 47 years. You enjoy her company, enjoy living with her. She if fun and your best friend. Then be careful if you bring it up. Every action has a reaction. Sometimes predicted and expected. Other times completely opposite of what you expected or wanted. It could end your marriage. It could change life as you know it.
To me, the question is does it bother you enough to take this risk? If so, Hope for the best but plan for the worst.

This situation reminds me of a Two and a Half men episode. Charlie is in church looking for answers and a gal comes in needing a light for her cig. They end up in Vegas for 3 days of wild fun. They get married in Vegas. Charlie and her get home as newlyweds and low and behold her husband comes knocking at the door. Yes, she's already married. They ask him has she done this before? He says yes but she always comes home to him and all is good. They ask him why, why does he put up with this kind of action? He says it's worth it for him, how else would a guy like him be able to live with a gorgeous hot fun woman like this.

Maybe it's the same for you. Enjoy what you've got . Every day together. Or bring it all up and be ready for whatever comes from it. Your call. Good luck.
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Thanks Doc, I have always thought each time we made love I bet the other guy wishes he had her and not me BUT HE LOST!!! Its how I coped and cope with it! At the end I enjoyed her all these years and we managed to have great fun....he lost a marriage divorced, he remarried lost his first child at 30 years old to drug use that had to be very hard for him I feel for any father who lost a child to drug use in her 30's with kids left behind. His 2nd marriage...his child almost died in a bad car accident and is now in prison for drugs doing time! That has to hurt to see your Son in the joint and go down God help the Father! He himself fought cancer for three years 10 years ago! He did get past the cancer and I hope he keeps it at bay (it was Prostate!) His payback was not from me! I have had my share of Health issues and but nothing in our life has been no where near the horror like he has been thru! Why did all that happened to him? I prayed my wife have good health every day and she does. We have a beatiful family,grands,great Grands! I have enjoyed by coping with MY PROBLEM! I have always kept me end of the marriage and my word I do meant a lot to me and still does.

You are correct by trying to find out over the years gently no forced issues from me to either one of them maybe held us together I don't know? But I knew I could never change what happened but could the future for all my family if I was not revengeful like I wanted to be! I have always expected the worse from it and still do that has not changed but she never left me or ever made threats to. I think what ever she is hiding that no one will suggest or consider maybe in her mind is very secret that has held us together I don't know? I can handle what ever it is and would sincerely like to know just what it is. Would have tried very hard to fix it! If it makes her leave me? Then okay go for it I'm ready and been ready but I never gave up or forgot or forsaken her! I need to make a move but just not decided what it should be yet,but I used a few idea from this forum already that has got more admissions from her I suspected but never knew for sure and so far my suspicions were correct!

I;am prepared and have been better prepared here in late life with no damages occurring to my three kids who are successful and grown. They would be damage free if Life changes now as I know it! I'm still thinking of the right move but have not forgot but have forgiven! I just want to know before I exit this life. I absolutely do think I caused it what ever it is but could have unknowingly. This story is very real and never put for others opinions until now and from ones who do not know me so no one can be hurt and may help me and others who come here.
 
power1 said:
That was years ago. The time to do something or even ask questions was when you first found out about it. Now it is years later. If you care anything about her let it go.
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No, because she lied back then. Or told less than the whole story. Without answers, how do you prod the woman you love without risk? Just because she broke her vows doesn't give you license to do so as well. Oldtimer;s hope for years, decades, was that she would come clean. Meanwhile, he patiently waited and stood by his promises and vows.

His dilemma has been the problem, not his loyalty.
Please stop painting him as the problem.

A good many marriages survive infidelity because at least one of the partners wants to heal the wounds and stubbornly refuses to give up and just walk away. My hat is off to any man or woman who tries.
 
FrancSevin said:
No, because she lied back then. Or told less than the whole story. Without answers, how do you prod the woman you love without risk? Just because she broke her vows doesn't give you license to do so as well. Oldtimer;s hope for years, decades, was that she would come clean. Meanwhile, he patiently waited and stood by his promises and vows.

His dilemma has been the problem, not his loyalty.
Please stop painting him as the problem.

A good many marriages survive infidelity because at least one of the partners wants to heal the wounds and stubbornly refuses to give up and just walk away. My hat is off to any man or woman who tries.
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How do you know it is him that is telling the truth?
 
Trying to air my laundry out in the open for possible better or more solutions than I have put to use and tried very hard to resolve to discover why and what was the cause for her do such acts, why would I lie about it or give false statements if I want a solution? There is no gain or motivation for me to lie or give false information if I seek to resolve and with others input or suggestions? Again its not like I stayed quiet when it occurred and never tried to find a solution! It took some time for me to even realize what she did as I trusted her responses so much and her word over many others in spite of her not being truthful before I learned parts of the truth! I don't expect any thing to gain from her telling why,how long, what she needed I never provided and hold over her head in anyway....she knows I know she has lied, was not truthful,broke marriage vows,and so forth already,I just want to rest my soul ( and more than likely hers) by her telling me what,when,where ,why she done what she done so we can finally say "okay you finally told me lets move on and put it behind us" There has to be hidden secrets far beyond just going out with him that she is hiding from her husband she flat does not want me to know and she does not not want me to know why! I just want the real answer and resolve what I have imagined,guessed at, speculated,grew to maybe far worse than what she is hiding! The longer she hides it and denies it the more I think it must be far worse than even what I imagine! Just honor me as I have her by telling me! I feel I deserve nothing more just to know. I have granted her for 47 plus years of no torment,or imagining what I may have done or doing she dont know about ot hide any thing from her or hurt her soul. Of course I made mistakes I"m not any where perfect or innocent and she knows what they are but I never broke my vows to her ever! I never went out with any other female she does not know about in any way what so ever! I even went as far as asking if she herd things any different that I have been unfaithful,or she felt I lied to her about any thing in my past of the same? She said not ever!! I have told all I know on my end as accurate as possible and as I know it!
 
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Oldtimer661 said:
Trying to air my laundry out in the open for possible better or more solutions than I have put to use and tried very hard to resolve to discover why and what was the cause for her do such acts, why would I lie about it or give false statements if I want a solution? There is no gain or motivation for me to lie or give false information if I seek to resolve and with others input or suggestions? Again its not like I stayed quiet when it occurred and never tried to find a solution! It took some time for me to even realize what she did as I trusted her responses so much and her word over many others in spite of her not being truthful before I learned parts of the truth! I don't expect any thing to gain from her telling why,how long, what she needed I never provided and hold over her head in anyway....she knows I know she has lied, was not truthful,broke marriage vows,and so forth already,I just want to rest my soul ( and more than likely hers) by her telling me what,when,where ,why she done what she done so we can finally say "okay you finally told me lets move on and put it behind us" There has to be hidden secrets far beyond just going out with him that she is hiding from her husband she flat does not want me to know and she does not not want me to know why! I just want the real answer and resolve what I have imagined,guessed at, speculated,grew to maybe far worse than what she is hiding! The longer she hides it and denies it the more I think it must be far worse than even what I imagine! Just honor me as I have her by telling me! I feel I deserve nothing more just to know. I have granted her for 47 plus years of no torment,or imagining what I may have done or doing she dont know about ot hide any thing from her or hurt her soul. Of course I made mistakes I"m not any where perfect or innocent and she knows what they are but I never broke my vows to her ever! I never went out with any other female she does not know about in any way what so ever! I even went as far as asking if she herd things any different that I have been unfaithful,or she felt I lied to her about any thing in my past of the same? She said not ever!! I have told all I know on my end as accurate as possible and as I know it!
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Looking in from the outside view. Im not sure you would accept any explanation she gives you. I don't think she can tell you anything thats going to make your world right, that has to come from you.
 
m1west said:
Looking in from the outside view. Im not sure you would accept any explanation she gives you. I don't think she can tell you anything thats going to make your world right, that has to come from you.
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I disagree! I would accept what ever the TRUE explanation is with open arms and would not retaliate in any way! It would just need to be truth and complete even if I could be part of cause as to why she did it. She is hiding the what ,where and why. I have figured that much out! It is the very reason her explanations went from never went out to only one time, to many more times, to her even picking him up at times and to she is not sure how many times it was! She was thinking in my mind by allowing more explanations over the past years and some just recent that she could maybe get it past us with out ever telling me what she is hiding or what she does not want me to know plus what she is hiding. I'm okay with what it is I'm pretty sure. I need her to just settle it and expose it all before my time is up here this planet! But rest assured I would accept her explanation and truth no matter what it is I just need to know. She is a terrible lair and it shows when she does so obvious. I have to be correct or she would have blown up long ago and would not have revealed more to me little at a time from saying the very first denial was truth and left it as such but she never!
 
Oldtimer661 said:
Trying to air my laundry out in the open for possible better or more solutions than I have put to use and tried very hard to resolve to discover why and what was the cause for her do such acts, why would I lie about it or give false statements if I want a solution? There is no gain or motivation for me to lie or give false information if I seek to resolve and with others input or suggestions? Again its not like I stayed quiet when it occurred and never tried to find a solution! It took some time for me to even realize what she did as I trusted her responses so much and her word over many others in spite of her not being truthful before I learned parts of the truth! I don't expect any thing to gain from her telling why,how long, what she needed I never provided and hold over her head in anyway....she knows I know she has lied, was not truthful,broke marriage vows,and so forth already,I just want to rest my soul ( and more than likely hers) by her telling me what,when,where ,why she done what she done so we can finally say "okay you finally told me lets move on and put it behind us" There has to be hidden secrets far beyond just going out with him that she is hiding from her husband she flat does not want me to know and she does not not want me to know why! I just want the real answer and resolve what I have imagined,guessed at, speculated,grew to maybe far worse than what she is hiding! The longer she hides it and denies it the more I think it must be far worse than even what I imagine! Just honor me as I have her by telling me! I feel I deserve nothing more just to know. I have granted her for 47 plus years of no torment,or imagining what I may have done or doing she dont know about ot hide any thing from her or hurt her soul. Of course I made mistakes I"m not any where perfect or innocent and she knows what they are but I never broke my vows to her ever! I never went out with any other female she does not know about in any way what so ever! I even went as far as asking if she herd things any different that I have been unfaithful,or she felt I lied to her about any thing in my past of the same? She said not ever!! I have told all I know on my end as accurate as possible and as I know it!
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Your story and mine are similar. Mine has worked out well and frankly,, she was worth the struggle.

I'm proud to have shared a life with her.
And more to come.



Here's hoping you have a similar success.
 

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How about when your a husband retired you can set a watch by if your the wife. How about the husband is not home when you leave for where ever go. When you come back husband has been gone 4 hours or so is acting as normal as ever when he gets back. The wife says where have you been? You say oh just out a couple places not big deal. Things gets quiet nothing more said. week or so goes by husband does it again. Wife this time says where did you go? What did you do? Same answer. Back to quiet.....lol Wonder how what happens next? I go down to American Legion drink one beer play some Charlies hang out with a couple I haven't seen since I retired in a few years back....then just head for the house. Its just a harmless secret. Wonder what happens next?
 
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