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Old Story Means A Lot
- Thread starter Oldtimer661
- Start date
Oldtimer661
Member
It would be great for me! But she would be pissed that I put her story for the public forum to see. I have thought about quite bit you can rest assured of that. One time long ago I made comments about on a message board conversation about to guy who had near the same issue as myself. I had said well they must have an agenda within far beyond their admissions or they would have admitted to start with as no big deal! This was a message board we had talked about wives who step out and will deny such.
When later on that day at night when I came home, I seen in the "browser history" where she had been going back in and reading every thing I put on this message board! She had no clue back then what "browser history" was at all. She was and is one who never got on a computer that I ever knew of until I started looking at browser history after I had left for work thru the day. So I made many comments along the lines more knowing she would back and read them! She read them for a fact and any thing else I had done a computer. She never told me she did and never mentioned it like nothing happened. I had never gave her any reason to check on me or track browser history on MY computer.
FrancSevin
Proudly Deplorable
I would suggest that secrecy is at the core of every illicit affair. After the affair, the hurt, the damage done...; Do the participants deserve privacy?
It would seem to me that would encourage further exploits.
It's how and why so many men get away with poaching other men's wives.
It would seem to me that would encourage further exploits.
It's how and why so many men get away with poaching other men's wives.
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I think might be time to change the subject.
Yep, you are 110% correct. I was thinking of him and a way to break the ice. But like you said Crumpy, his wife would be infuriated.
FrancSevin
Proudly Deplorable
I disagree. For reason I have already posted.
Secrecy is at the core of every illicit affair. Exposure would create some resistance to them. But more importantly, as the offender, his wife has no right to the secrets she is keeping from her husband.
Marriage is a contract of consensual sex and intimacy on an exclusive basis. There are legitimate reasons for this arrangement. Intimacy is a gift we give our partners to share only between each other.
She gave that gift to someone else. Yes, she gave it back but now it is soiled. And keeping her secret below the covers is a deceit with which no man should be expected to accept.
If you trust each other, what secret do you need to keep? Trust is the core of any lasting partnership. There can be no secrets, or it fails.
Frankly any man who would poach the wife of another, is the worst lowest form of our species. He should be outed. Keeping her secrets keeps his and allows him to poach another. Further, if she cheated, why does she get the protection of secrecy?
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Oldtimer661
Member
That is my feelings 125% on the $
Oldtimer661
Member
I have no reason to lie about what took place. You cannot get the other two sides!! One says it was only once a time out then two times then not sure how many but way more than three after saying for year there was none! The last one says it never happened and has no clue she told a very SMALL part of it!
FrancSevin
Proudly Deplorable
GEEZ! Really?
FrancSevin
Proudly Deplorable
I would point out a mistake, or overlook, in my last reply. When I said she is "soiled," I forgot to include clearly that the only redemption of that is for her to come clean.
Actually, my wife pointed that detail out. In tears. I had to calm her down.
When we do evil to others, we are soiled. As with God, the only redemption is to admit our sins and come clean.
Do you believe all that has been said on here? I saw something I tried to post on here but couldn't.
It showed a pic of an elderly couple walking away from each other. The caption said, A 96 year old man divorced his 94 year old wife for cheating on him 60 years ago.
FrancSevin
Proudly Deplorable
So what. My problem is you seem to be trying to find a reason some of this is his fault. She did the deed. Her choice. It is 100% her fault.
PERIOD!
BTW,,,; Asking him to contact the other parties involved to chime in is about as insensitive and ridiculous as it gets.
A humorous meme might be "cute." But is terribly insensitive.
My responses are based on the assumption the story is, from Old timer's perspective, valid and true. In matter of fact, his "story" is not at all uncommon and to those who have suffered it, your flippant and insensitive responses don't help the pain. If he was making this up, then it doesn't matter except to readers who have truthfully experienced this situation.
Your story could also be untrue. IKN and don't care because that doesn't matter. Some people can do it that way.
I too could be telling fables. But I'm not.
I offer my experience and advice.
Both are offered for free and worth every penny.
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I guess I am more of a problem solver. When I have a problem I actually try to solve that problem. Some people do not want to solve the problem, just talk about it. I thought the meme fit right in here. You do not know if she did the deed or he is making it up. You do not know whose fault it was. If he was in pain he would have done something about it long before now.
What I am trying to do is let him know it happens. If you are not going to do something about it and it has been that long ago, it is best to forgive and forget. I cannot see any good about holding on to something so long. It has to have some effect on both of their lives. By holding something against a person that long and expecting to have a relationship with that person, it amounts to a form of cruelty.
I kind of agree, he is the one putting in on a public forum for comment. I know everyone is different and what is right for one is not right for all, but holding on to it for 47years un resolved, I don't agree with that. Me looking in and this is my opinion, when it happened he couldn't let go of her when he found out for whatever reason. And now 47 years later can't let go of what happened. My Brother in law cheated on my sister and got caught more than 20 years ago. She didn't divorce him, both of there lives are miserable. They dont like each other. He wont leave because of the $$ split and she wont leave because she is in love with him but hates him at the same time. He hasn't won an argument since then. Nether one of them are happy. There are parallels here.
FrancSevin
Proudly Deplorable
I understand what you are saying but my problem was unresolved for that length of time. Which is why I related to Oldtimer's story. Of course, there are differences, but the unresolved issues need not be the same. The Trauma still remains, and the PTSD is exactly the same.
The "WHY" is a nagging question that bites deep to the core of your being. It's not so much "how could a woman who claims to love you do this?" as much as "Why could she not resist?" And why, in his case, must she continue to lie?
The passage of time is not the issue. When this happens to you and you want to stay because of your love and devotion, every morning is like Ground Hog Day. You hope something will spark a change and it becomes routine to just get through it without injury. Nothing happens so,,, you put it off with hope for tomorrow.
If anyone thinks this man's problem will be solved by blaming him for that procrastination, they are dead wrong. Teh time has nothing to do with the pain and loss. At the same time, it has everything to do with an urgency to finally do something. Patience may well be a virtue, but in this type of case, it is how the prison is built.
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I also tend to agree. Mainly due to the time that has passed with out addressing the issue that has been bothering him.
I have to wonder if every time he hugs her does he think of the infidelities? Same for when he kisses her and makes love to her? If so I don't understand how you held it in so long. Like Franc said, let it out and see where things land.
On the other hand, if you've been happily married for 47 years. You enjoy her company, enjoy living with her. She if fun and your best friend. Then be careful if you bring it up. Every action has a reaction. Sometimes predicted and expected. Other times completely opposite of what you expected or wanted. It could end your marriage. It could change life as you know it.
To me, the question is does it bother you enough to take this risk? If so, Hope for the best but plan for the worst.
This situation reminds me of a Two and a Half men episode. Charlie is in church looking for answers and a gal comes in needing a light for her cig. They end up in Vegas for 3 days of wild fun. They get married in Vegas. Charlie and her get home as newlyweds and low and behold her husband comes knocking at the door. Yes, she's already married. They ask him has she done this before? He says yes but she always comes home to him and all is good. They ask him why, why does he put up with this kind of action? He says it's worth it for him, how else would a guy like him be able to live with a gorgeous hot fun woman like this.
Maybe it's the same for you. Enjoy what you've got . Every day together. Or bring it all up and be ready for whatever comes from it. Your call. Good luck.
FrancSevin
Proudly Deplorable
Sorry guys but having endured pretty much the same timeline without resolution, I can't agree it is just that simple to move on as though nothing significantly damaging has happened. You do your best, wait for redemption, and it doesn't come.
What then do you do?
The real choices are, a) continue living the lie or b) go all in and risk resolution or desertion. 46 minutes or 46 years, it is the same dilemmic question.
What then do you do?
The real choices are, a) continue living the lie or b) go all in and risk resolution or desertion. 46 minutes or 46 years, it is the same dilemmic question.
Thats why I started my post with " this is my opinion " I know what I did when it happened to me but, we were not married that long and there was no question to where she was or what happened. It would have been much better for all involved here, if it was addressed when it happened. But it was not so here they are. My sister is doing it. You can't have a conversation with her for more than 20 minutes before its dredged up. Not willing to leave but not willing to let it go. Im sure there is a technical term in a manual for that somewhere. Everyone is different. I have never met anyone I can't live without. I hope it works out for everyone in the end.
No one has implied any of this is simple. It is a life changing major event in this man's life. None of us are taking this lightly.
It is a gut wrenching tough decision that only he can make.
Our advice / thoughts are given with the best intentions. In hopes of helping. I do believe we have helped him see all sides and he will make an informed decision. If we all agreed this would be a pretty worthless thread.
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FrancSevin
Proudly Deplorable
Doc, I keep reading comments that don't follow your description.
Some have said, or implied, after all this time, just move on. Or chastised Oldtimer for waiting so long.
I'm just saying the detractors aren't helping.
Certainly, there is a good chance we have all been led to believe a fiction. And yet, there is a good chance this man simply needs support to do what he knows must be done for him to go on, with or without his wife.
BTW, if the story is fiction, no matter. Because of the frequency of this situation the thread has value. Including the negative comments of the naysayers.
I don't think anyone is chastising Oldtimer, just honest varying opinion. Seems some including myself have a hard time understanding how it can go 47 years un resolved without a lot denial happening. He posted and asked for those opinions, when you do that sometimes things are said that don't line up with what you want to hear. I think Oldtimer may see the error in not bringing it to a head when it happened, and its a festering sore now, because every now an then he picks at the scab. I think just about everyone has had some relationship troubles, its how you handle it that sets the tone going forward. I'm not going to say what I am going to say to hurt or irritate anyone, but seeking some professional counseling concerning this matter and maybe include the wife could be beneficial, as my PHD in Phycology didn't show up in the mail.
Or you could forgive and forget.
My wife and I went the counseling part. We went every week. On the way to counseling I told her we could buy a boat for the same amount we were paying a counselor. We bought the boat. We also divorced about four years later but it was over something completely different.
I think healthcare insurance would cover it, you just wanted the boat and she took the bate.
Ironman
Well-known member
Sometimes it’s a game of chess.
FrancSevin
Proudly Deplorable
How many times do I have to say it.
Forgive yes, for we are all fallible
Forget? No because we are all fallible.
FrancSevin
Proudly Deplorable
As I am going to be at Hippie Ridge with no internet or phone contact, for the rest of this week I'm pretty much done here.
Good luck Oldtimer
Good luck Oldtimer
No, healthcare would not cover it. She enjoyed the boat more than I did. I was great the first year and we spent many days ans some nights on the lake. The second year we went on most weekends. The third year we pulled it out of the water and only put it back in on special occasions. The fourth year it never saw the water. It was something she got in the divorce. She immediately sold it.