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Old Story Means A Lot

Wanting to know the truth, the details, all of it makes true reconciliation possible. Your wife needs to accept that as a necessary part of re installing trust. Ester Perel makes that clear. Once my wife came clean with all of it, some 40 years later, my heart, and hers, was able to finally settle.

The offender knows what they did. The offended can only guess. And the imagination will make more of it than there likely was. The offender has no right to the secrecy. The offended has every right to know.

Consider that it is very likely, and ironically a good thing, that she has pain just keeping the secret. You're lifetime friends and lovers now. How can airing the truth of it hurt any more than concealing the truth. And once aired, you and her, can put it behind you.


As it is, the elephant no one wants to admit seeing, remains in the room taking up space in your life and leaving a bit of a stink.
 
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50 years. Wow. After that long if she admitted it that would bring up all the hurt all over again and you'd ask for details that would only hurt you and her. The pain would once again be front and center.

She is your best friend. She has been true to you since your time away in the service. From how I read it that sounds like many decades of proving her devotion to you. She is your best friend. Since so much time has past if you could move on you both would be the better for it. Forgive and forget as best you can.

You are obviously better off with her and don't want to lose her. Seems like she made a mistake and has since earned your trust. When young we all make dumb mistakes. Thankfully this one did not break you up, even though it hurt you to the core.

My 2 cents is to move on. Don't look back. Don't remind yourself of that one indiscretion. I'm guessing she has done a lot of good since that mistake or else you would not still be with her. Focus on the good. Focus on what you both have. And move forward. You will gain nothing if you pin her down and force her to admit something that she has tried to move past. Enjoy your golden years, nothing to be gained by rehashing something that far in the past. Good luck.
 
Oldtimer661 said:
You make a good point and understand your thinking some what. I think any man and woman who can say their spouse has never cheated on them is making a very bold statement of which can only be verified by trust. I can tell you there is many many out there who would say the same thing never been cheated on in any to find out years later they was wrong! My wife was worth it to me for the 40 plus years we been best friends. You make a good point I cant give an honest answer with knowing the truth of my issue and that is to start questioning my desion 40 plus years later. I\m not sure. I'm sure I would make the same decsion again with out knowing the truth. It is something I have wanted to know for 40 Plus years but never really thought so much as to it would go this long with out ever knowing.

I know 100% certain my wife wife lies to me about going out shortly after we was married and even denied that for years. I never could get her to admit any thing went on only she would deny any thing did. I do not know WHY she lies about being out? Would like to know the answer before my life is over. I made the decision to live with it long ago thinking I would find a way she would tell me why. it never happened! I'm sure there is a way to get her to tell me but I don't know what it is?
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Why people do dht thinks they do is the trillion dollar question
 
Doc said:
50 years. Wow. After that long if she admitted it that would bring up all the hurt all over again and you'd ask for details that would only hurt you and her. The pain would once again be front and center.

She is your best friend. She has been true to you since your time away in the service. From how I read it that sounds like many decades of proving her devotion to you. She is your best friend. Since so much time has past if you could move on you both would be the better for it. Forgive and forget as best you can.

You are obviously better off with her and don't want to lose her. Seems like she made a mistake and has since earned your trust. When young we all make dumb mistakes. Thankfully this one did not break you up, even though it hurt you to the core.

My 2 cents is to move on. Don't look back. Don't remind yourself of that one indiscretion. I'm guessing she has done a lot of good since that mistake or else you would not still be with her. Focus on the good. Focus on what you both have. And move forward. You will gain nothing if you pin her down and force her to admit something that she has tried to move past. Enjoy your golden years, nothing to be gained by rehashing something that far in the past. Good luck.
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I agree with most of this, but the not knowing the truth of it is agonizing and impossible to forget.

My wife complained that I was "never forgiving her for it." I told her I forgave her immediately. But 45 years of unanswered questions made it impossible to forget and put behind us. That's when she finally told the whole story and I found out her actions were based, at least in part, on a false premise invented by her best friend. Typically, she had blamed me. It's what cheaters do, blame the partner. But I showed her how it was impossible for me to have ever been with the woman in question. I never had any time to be alone with the woman. And her best friend had tried to seduce me, but never told her I had refused.

As she related how she came to be with another, I could envision her delima. In some ways it was better than I thought and in some worse. She could have, and should have, told me sooner and eased my mind. And, since the false belief that I had cheated, that haunted her for 40 years, was proven wrong, she too was relieved.

The truth may hurt but it is less painful that the agony of deceit and not knowing what and why.
 
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Something I could never understand is using the excuse she thought you had been unfaithful to cheat. I see that a lot. That doesn't seem like a good excuse for anything.
 
FrancSevin said:
Wanting to know the truth, the details, all of it makes true reconciliation possible. Your wife needs to accept that as a necessary part of re installing trust. Ester Perel makes that clear. Once my wife came clean with all of it, some 40 years later, my heart, and hers, was able to finally settle.

The offender knows what they did. The offended can only guess. And the imagination will make more of it than there likely was. The offender has no right to the secrecy. The offended has every right to know.

Consider that it is very likely, and ironically a good thing, that she has pain just keeping the secret. You're lifetime friends and lovers now. How can airing the truth of it hurt any more than concealing the truth. And once aired, you and her, can put it behind you.


As it is, the elephant no one wants to admit seeing, remains in the room taking up space in your life and leaving a bit of a stink.
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Makes much sense and not in exact words you have put forth,but in the same format I still get the negative denial. lol. No reason in my mins but must be in hers or perhaps thinks its not worth it to ever admit why. Maybe as I have waited by no retaiation and some what patience she will bring it out and tell why the denial means so much to her one day soon.
 
power1 said:
Something I could never understand is using the excuse she thought you had been unfaithful to cheat. I see that a lot. That doesn't seem like a good excuse for anything.
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I agree. It is a lousy excuse. The decision to cheat belongs solely to the heart and soul of the cheater. PERIOD! It is never that of the betrayed. And I can tell you, I never cheated, before or after because I made a promise. And, in and of itself, not a legitimate reason.

That said however, it is almost universal that the cheater must somehow justify their crime. And yes, when marriage is involved, in most states it IS a crime in the sense that it violates the contract. The next ridiculous excuse is, "you weren't meeting my needs." Maybe, maybe not but it is still a betrayal of promised exclusive partnership.
And yet, one of the most often used.

My wife used them both. Ironically, despite several opportunities, I hadn't cheated even though she wasn't meeting my needs.

Pray tell me, WHAT IS A GOOD EXCUSE?
 
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Doc said:
50 years. Wow. After that long if she admitted it that would bring up all the hurt all over again and you'd ask for details that would only hurt you and her. The pain would once again be front and center.

She is your best friend. She has been true to you since your time away in the service. From how I read it that sounds like many decades of proving her devotion to you. She is your best friend. Since so much time has past if you could move on you both would be the better for it. Forgive and forget as best you can.

You are obviously better off with her and don't want to lose her. Seems like she made a mistake and has since earned your trust. When young we all make dumb mistakes. Thankfully this one did not break you up, even though it hurt you to the core.

My 2 cents is to move on. Don't look back. Don't remind yourself of that one indiscretion. I'm guessing she has done a lot of good since that mistake or else you would not still be with her. Focus on the good. Focus on what you both have. And move forward. You will gain nothing if you pin her down and force her to admit something that she has tried to move past. Enjoy your golden years, nothing to be gained by rehashing something that far in the past. Good luck.
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Would never force her not that kind of man, I passed up some real lookers and most likely some really good times in my life but my word meant much to me and does to this day. Have never trusted her in nearly 50 years but lover her very much yes. Past the mistrust she has been a very good mother,grandmother and wife. Always been ready for her to leave that message or be gone but also have been prepared mentally and financially for that day when and if it came or comes. I most certainly do not believe it was just the one time nor do I belive It was just him. I would just like to know if that is true and why did she choose to hide it from me all the years that went by.
 
FrancSevin said:
I agree. It is a lousy excuse. The decision to cheat belongs solely to the heart and soul of the cheater. PERIOD! It is never that of the betrayed. And I can tell you, I never cheated, before or after because I made a promise. And, in and of itself, not a legitimate reason.

That said however, it is almost universal that the cheater must somehow justify their crime. And yes, when marriage is involved, in most states it IS a crime in the sense that it violates the contract. The next ridiculous excuse is, "you weren't meeting my needs." Maybe, maybe not but it is still a betrayal of promised exclusive partnership.
And yet, one of the most often used.

My wife used them both. Ironically, despite several opportunities, I hadn't cheated even though she wasn't meeting my needs.

Pray tell me, WHAT IS A GOOD EXCUSE?
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You know the one for me that speaks very clear and very incriminating is in all the years of my wife being with me she has NEVER ask me if I thought of going out on her, cheated on her or even had a desire to. She never brings it up what so ever. There is much more I could list that is so telling but this one really stands out!
 
Playing devils advocate: What if you are wrong? Is it possible she did go out but never F'd anyone else? What if your informant is full of shit and is simply trying to hurt you?
 
Doc said:
Playing devils advocate: What if you are wrong? Is it possible she did go out but never F'd anyone else? What if your informant is full of shit and is simply trying to hurt you?
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Its okay to play the devils advocate. There is no full of shit. She went out for a fact and she admitted it directly to me several years later after denting it for years until there was proof brought before her and no more hear say. She then claimed it was only one time she went out and nothing at all took place while they were out together drinking and enjoying a live band. She had no place to run else where with it!

There was more than one time she went out I know of for sure but I never pushed it or hit her with it,only wanted to know why she denied it for so long to never have got an answer other than it would have made me mad! So another untruthful statement about it. There is more with much hear say and some most likely accurate and some most likely not. I saw her once she has no idea of which she has never admitted as well,but that is the only thing I wanted was the truth to know and still seek the answer as to why? With out vengeance from my part after all these years.The guy had so much to happen in his life its karma at its worse I had nothing to do with.
 
Oldtimer661 said:
Its okay to play the devils advocate. There is no full of shit. She went out for a fact and she admitted it directly to me several years later after denting it for years until there was proof brought before her and no more hear say. She then claimed it was only one time she went out and nothing at all took place while they were out together drinking and enjoying a live band. She had no place to run else where with it!

There was more than one time she went out I know of for sure but I never pushed it or hit her with it,only wanted to know why she denied it for so long to never have got an answer other than it would have made me mad! So another untruthful statement about it. There is more with much hear say and some most likely accurate and some most likely not. I saw her once she has no idea of which she has never admitted as well,but that is the only thing I wanted was the truth to know and still seek the answer as to why? With out vengeance from my part after all these years.The guy had so much to happen in his life its karma at its worse I had nothing to do with.
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Don't give up man, not if you love her.
dc19745c0dbf18b6812733706f1a1114.jpg


As for me, I decided to try harder.

She was worth it.
 
FrancSevin said:
Don't give up man, not if you love her.
dc19745c0dbf18b6812733706f1a1114.jpg


As for me, I decided to try harder.

She was worth it.
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Never have yet not planning to this far in to it on the back side of life.I have tried all I can and if she ever left or even still does she will not be able to come back that would be my choice but I would always love her no matter what. As long as she never makes the threat to leave or up and leaves it will remain as me seeking to find out why she did it I will not give up. Even is she would finally tell me all and why ,I will never end it unless she does its always been her court I think its why she never has told me. The old song "You just keep me Hanging On". maybe she will finally tell me before it all ends or I figure out a non threatening way for her to tell me.
 
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Oldtimer661 said:
Never have yet not planning to this far in to it on the back side of life.I have tried all I can and if she ever left or even still does she will not be able to come back that would be my choice but I would always love her no matter what. As long as she never makes the threat to leave or up and leaves it will remain as me seeking to find out why she did it I will not give up. Even is she would finally tell me all and why ,I will never end it unless she does its always been her court I think its why she never has told me. The old song "You just keep me Hanging On". maybe she will finally tell me before it all ends or I figure out a non threatening way for her to tell me.
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That really does not sound like a good state of being for you. Or her. The stress will, quite honestly, kill you.
The not knowing the why
 
So, you and your wife have been in this state for 40 years and not resolved it one way or the other? Is that correct?
 
You've lived with this so long, why now bring it all up? Are you at the point where you have to confront her? Sounds that way from your posts. Are you ready for the repercussions?
Every action has a reaction. Some are predictable. Stuff like this is hard if not impossible to predict how she will react when confronted with all this.
Be ready for her to end things. Like Frac said, she might be ready to unload and get it off her chest. But, maybe she is ashamed and feels better never admitting and being upset with you for bringing it up.
It is a huge decision that will change your relationship. Is that what you want / need now? If so, treat it like a band aide. Yank it off. Just do it. Bring it up and be ready for the consequences. Best wishes.
 
Doc said:
You've lived with this so long, why now bring it all up? Are you at the point where you have to confront her? Sounds that way from your posts. Are you ready for the repercussions?
Every action has a reaction. Some are predictable. Stuff like this is hard if not impossible to predict how she will react when confronted with all this.
Be ready for her to end things. Like Frac said, she might be ready to unload and get it off her chest. But, maybe she is ashamed and feels better never admitting and being upset with you for bringing it up.
It is a huge decision that will change your relationship. Is that what you want / need now? If so, treat it like a band aide. Yank it off. Just do it. Bring it up and be ready for the consequences. Best wishes.
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To my view the current conditions of not coming clean is more damaging to the relationship than coming to a closure.

Forgiveness begins when you know the facts of the actions of which you are giving forgiveness.

As of now. the state of limbo is making him, and likely her, miserable. This condition NEEDS to change.
 
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If you have taken it for this long you might as well just forget all about it. The time to decided you want answers was back when you first found out. It is too late now to want answers. You decided to live with it years ago.
 
m1west said:
So, you and your wife have been in this state for 40 years and not resolved it one way or the other? Is that correct?
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I have lived with in this state for 47 plus years. My wife has not I don't think. As far as she is concerned its resolved. I never have resolved it but lived with it. Always thought as went on and bringing up the question as to why sooner or later she would tell me why. She never has let go of the answer. In her mind I think time has went by that I never forced the answer so she got what she wanted.
 
power1 said:
If you have taken it for this long you might as well just forget all about it. The time to decided you want answers was back when you first found out. It is too late now to want answers. You decided to live with it years ago.
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You are correct except for the fact when I first herd the chatter is it was my family member who first informed me. I ignored it. From several friends who claimed to be at my best friends house at the jam session where she was with him during the time I ignored. I did in fact find out and have tried to seek the truth of all of it and mainly why? I think most young men would have went on her and kicked her to the curb. I did not want to go that route unless she chose to do so.
 
FrancSevin said:
To my view the current conditions of not coming clean is more damaging to the relationship than coming to a closure.

Forgiveness begins when you know the facts of the actions of which you are giving forgiveness.

As of now. the state of limbo is making him, and likely her, miserable. This condition NEEDS to change.
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I can't say she is miserable. She don't seem to be. It don't seem to bother her at all,but she is a very quiet secretive type gentle person. I.m not miserable but she broke my heart many years ago that I have lived with. She most certainly broke my trust many years ago but I never mistreated her,or stopped loving her nor could I ever. I know a man is not supposed have a heart to break with many not wanting to be true to the wife But I was true and wanted my wife and kids and life with her.

It would do me good if I could just get the truth as to what compelled her to do it and why? Where did I go wrong? I never was unemployed for 47 Plus years making sure her home was complete all needs for her and kids met! I did forgive her for the act many years ago after very much thought. I suspect the act went on before and after our marriage and continued for quite some time. I never dreamed she would see another with absolute no change in her what so ever that I seen. I was young, working two jobs, long hours, had two little girls, my plate was full!

I just can't expel the thought haunting me as to why no matter how ugly it may be. She knows I would take no action by now and for many years by now if that is what holds her back. Last 5 years plus or so I bring up those days of old and middle age.....she pulls the "I cannot remember" weapon out and shoots me! If I get really deep in conversation of the why she will use the "cry and get so upset" like I'm killing her weapon on me if the "I cannot remember" one fails! lol.
 
FrancSevin said:
I hope you found some help here. This is the kind of thing one would really need to talk about and yet cannot. I know because this is the first time I have ever told the story to anyone. Even though I don't really know you or the people who visit this forum that well, it was a relief to finally say it out loud.
I hope you found the same to be true.
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Yes exactly! I never have tried an open forum with people who will give an opinion straight up rather you like it much or not. Never have opened this up to any one on a forum or any one close to me at all. It has given me some very good answers and verified many of my thoughts as well as decisions I made. You know experience from others always is very valuable because most of us has learned great things in life from making bad decisions that in turn reward us the hard way to be wiser with our thought process. It has helped me ,I appreciate the people who took the time to read my bitching in life who are very well appreciated and hopefully it may help others decide somewhat same issues within their life to help them sort things out. I can say on the road of life we are on, remember you're required to return back from where you started before your finished! Bridges are VERY important! We control the speed and the vehicle to use and choose what shape we keep the road in! We can plant signs for others or not at all,but we do not have any choice as to take the road or not! Get in your going!
 
Oldtimer661 said:
I have lived with in this state for 47 plus years. My wife has not I don't think. As far as she is concerned its resolved. I never have resolved it but lived with it. Always thought as went on and bringing up the question as to why sooner or later she would tell me why. She never has let go of the answer. In her mind I think time has went by that I never forced the answer so she got what she wanted.
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Well maybe she told the truth when outed, and nothing did happen besides hanging out and thats why she acts like nothing happened. In my younger years I had a few female friends even while single, we never did anything, but I did with most of there friends.
 
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m1west said:
Well maybe she told the truth when outed, and nothing did happen besides hanging out and thats why she acts like nothing happened. In my younger years I had a few female friends even while single, we never did anything, but I did with most of there friends.
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Then why would she deny she ever went out with him? Why would she say I would get mad about it? Why did she say it was only once when in fact is numerous occasion and two of which she picked him up! Why would she cry about about? Why would he all of sudden leave our house after visiting with her when ever I pulled up in drive way? No. I think there way more to it. She never hid the fact from any one else we know to be with either with out me around.
 
Oldtimer661 said:
Then why would she deny she ever went out with him? Why would she say I would get mad about it? Why did she say it was only once when in fact is numerous occasion and two of which she picked him up! Why would she cry about about? Why would he all of sudden leave our house after visiting with her when ever I pulled up in drive way? No. I think there way more to it. She never hid the fact from any one else we know to be with either with out me around.
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Sounds like questions you may have asked the guy back in the day. Thats pretty disrespectful coming to your home when you are not there and then burning rubber when you show up. Its really none of my business, but why would you put up with that when it was happening? Sounds like you didn't want to know at the time and now you have been dwelling on it for 47 years. Some of this is your fault in my opinion.
 
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