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Old Story Means A Lot

O

Oldtimer661

Member
Hope to get some real opinions good or bad. Appreciate any who takes the time to read it my story and comment as It will mean a lot to me. Got married had to go in Army. Married a girl I love very much a few months before I went in.Got out at the end of my 3 year hitch. Then after some months went back home I found out from a few friends I knew, my new wife had been out with my best friend. Being the girl she was I never much believed it or gave it much thought after hearing it. Out drinking some months later with my best friend one night , I made a joking comment like him out with my wife when I was in the service! He laughed and said sure like I would do that man!

A couple years or more goes by and one night a person who never knew me at all was making comments about this chic that was going out with a guys best friend who was in the service a few years back and the guy was dumb enough to still run around with the best friend! The person he was talking to about this chic was also a very good friend of mine unaware of who I was sitting at the bar before he walked in. So I asked after the guy telling the story left the bar that night if my friend knew that story he just told? He said he was there where they were out that night with my best friend but thouht I knew about it? So, I set us a time his wife and my wife would all go watch a live band play one night soon after. I then asked my wife while we were all at the live band night again if she was ever out with my best friend when I was in the service? She said no how many times was I going to ask her? I then told her the guy who was with us was willing to verify they were out together and he was there where they were that night they was out together. At that point she cried and admitted she was in fact out with my best friend that she had denied for a couple of years!

So after she finished crying and we are at home that night I ask her how many times? She said it was just that nite only and they never done nothing at all. He picked her up that night and dropped her off that was it! So I tell her years later after I done nothing or made any fuss what so ever assured there would be no repercussions,that I just wanted to know if she had any sex at all with him of any kind or if he even made some advances maybe? She just tell me no there was nothing what so ever at all. Only out the once and and no more to it? I just wanted her to be honest with me. She denies any further times and any thing what so ever for years now. And of course the best friend never comes around ,calls or anything what so ever either and I made no threats to him as well. Another close friend seen him pick her up while I was in the service as well another time I found out about three years ago or so too. She picked him up and was gone for many hours she don't know I know? The same best friend was who she picked up. In my opinion she done this guy many times and is denying it as well as she must have cared much for him. He is no longer my friend what so ever I broke it off with him years ago. What is your all opinion? Please comment. As the time goes by this eats away at me more and more. Why would she deny it with threats made, no violence made what so ever. What the hell?

Your comments would be very much appreciated from total folks who does not know me or us.
 
If nothing happened, all would be well with your Wife and your buddy. It isn’t. Pretty obvious to me after reading your dilemma… time to cut loose and find one worth keeping. That’s some shady shit man. Just my opinion.
Thank you for your service!
 
Old saying, there is no such thing for women as a safe "guy friend". Especially when they are young. Sorry but this cannot end well.
Not because she may or may not have had sex but because she lied to you. Worst betrayal a person can do to their mate.

Most illicit affairs are in secret. Secrecy is at the core of that relationship. If she didn't have sex, then she would not have hidden the secret.
And with the worst kind of man. Any man who will fuck another man's wife is a low bastard SOB. Lowest of the low. He was not her friend, or yours. Just a poacher.

Do what you want to be with her, but it will never settle in your mind.
or heart
Never!
 
FrancSevin said:
Old saying, there is no such thing for women as a safe "guy friend". Especially when they are young. Sorry but this cannot end well.
Not because she may or may not have had sex but because she lied to you. Worst betrayal a person can do to their mate.

Most illicit affairs are in secret. Secrecy is at the core of that relationship. If she didn't have sex, then she would not have hidden the secret.
And with the worst kind of man. Any man who will fuck another man's wife is a low bastard SOB. Lowest of the low. He was not her friend, or yours. Just a poacher.

Do what you want to be with her, but it will never settle in your mind.
or heart
Never!
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You make a very good point. Of course the reason she gave for never telling me was I would get extremely mad. Again blame I suppose was on me. You are spot one it NEVER leaves your mind and heart no matter what you try and do.
 
The most important element of a lasting marriage is not sex or fun, or similar interests. It's not even monogamy.


It is trust.


We are all fallible. We will screw up.
And disappoint our partner from time to time.
No secrets
 
Oldtimer661 said:
You make a very good point. Of course the reason she gave for never telling me was I would get extremely mad. Again blame I suppose was on me. You are spot one it NEVER leaves your mind and heart no matter what you try and do.
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When women cheat, they always put the blame on the guy. It is universal.

You weren't there for her. You would be upset about it, Well, of course. So, it is your fault.
Plain fact, she made the decision to break her promise to you. You were not involved.

Either she thought about you and dismissed you or, she didn't think about you at all. How's that logic for ya?

Fact, this was her fault. that it happened is human. That she kept secret is deceit. That is why the trust is shaken.
It will haunt you forever. And if you stay with her, she may well be worth the pain. That sir, is your choice. You may well be able to build a new relationship and have a good life.

My words are that the deceit will always be tattooed on your heart. It will be your first thought most every morning. It will be on your mind every time you are apart. Worse for her than the anger she feared.

Be prepared for it.
 
FrancSevin said:
When women cheat, they always put the blame on the guy. It is universal.

You weren't there for her. You would be upset about it, Well, of course. So, it is your fault.
Plain fact, she made the decision to break her promise to you. You were not involved.

Either she thought about you and dismissed you or, she didn't think about you at all. How's that logic for ya?

Fact, this was her fault. that it happened is human. That she kept secret is deceit. That is why the trust is shaken.
It will haunt you forever. And if you stay with her, she may well be worth the pain. That sir, is your choice. You may well be able to build a new relationship and have a good life.

My words are that the deceit will always be tattooed on your heart. It will be your first thought most every morning. It will be on your mind every time you are apart. Worse for her than the anger she feared.

Be prepared for it.
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Well 2nd lie was anger she feared in my opinion. She never had any fear of anger,becuase the anger would be even more after all the denial to find out she lied after being caught in a lie plus being out behind my back. I really do not feel was there any fear at all of me being angered. She wanted to do it thinking she would never be caught. You are right She likes the secrets of deceit as it has remained tattooed to my heart for many years.
 
So, let us talk about you.

How are you doing with this betrayal
What are your plans
Anger is not an aphrodisiac
Agonizing over betrayal is not a future

You can attempt a future with her. It is possible and can be a happy one. As for the hurt, that will be the same with or without her. One cannot jettison the history. But one, or the two of you. can move on.

Is she worth it? Truth be told, there is no way to know. If this one time with this one guy is truly it, a future is possible. But it will be hard work for both of you.
Just remember, trust can be repaired. But it will always have been broken. And now, and forever, it can no longer be assumed.
 
Was seeking others opinion on the story that has played a part for many years upon me. Most people just blow it off as to forget about it and take it as a green light to do the same for me! The most certain thing about asking unbiased opinions has been produced only one person to ever give the opinion she probably never done any thing sexual when she went with him and most likely told the truth it was just the one time.

The one opinion was me being unreasonable to think otherwise. I have not ask the other person for many years again if they did or did not but have gave it thought. To answer you question I made this marriage last 47 years so far, because I love the woman very much , but if I had it to do over I'm not sure I would have stayed.

I passed up many a nice women I knew who wanted a relationship and one still does over the years but I never did, there was green light for me. My wife was never aloof in all our years. I suppose I would be called a rare male who never done to my wife what she has done to me far more than once.

I often wonder if I should have ended it with her years ago,but from what I have learned in a life time so far females have this "code" they live by of "Good Girls Never Do That"! But if a "Good Girl" decides to do that, she is to forget it ever took place no matter with who or how many times and never tell ANYONE! I think that "Code" resides in a very high % of Wives and or significant others.
 
Oldtimer661 said:
Was seeking others opinion on the story that has played a part for many years upon me. Most people just blow it off as to forget about it and take it as a green light to do the same for me! The most certain thing about asking unbiased opinions has been produced only one person to ever give the opinion she probably never done any thing sexual when she went with him and most likely told the truth it was just the one time.

The one opinion was me being unreasonable to think otherwise. I have not ask the other person for many years again if they did or did not but have gave it thought. To answer you question I made this marriage last 47 years so far, because I love the woman very much , but if I had it to do over I'm not sure I would have stayed.

I passed up many a nice women I knew who wanted a relationship and one still does over the years but I never did, there was green light for me. My wife was never aloof in all our years. I suppose I would be called a rare male who never done to my wife what she has done to me far more than once.

I often wonder if I should have ended it with her years ago,but from what I have learned in a life time so far females have this "code" they live by of "Good Girls Never Do That"! But if a "Good Girl" decides to do that, she is to forget it ever took place no matter with who or how many times and never tell ANYONE! I think that "Code" resides in a very high % of Wives and or significant others.
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I will tell you that I absolutely can relate to what you are saying. Mine had an "incident" of which she told me immediately and we moved on but yes, for decades, I had the same thoughts and experiences as you have shared here. It's been 50 years now and I wonder if I had chosen a different path. But the same could happen with another mate so what would have been gained?

The honesty of the admission warranted forgiveness and the effort. We have built a great life together since. No secrets.

It is the lie with which you have issues. No relationship built with a lie in its structure can bring lasting happiness. No that it is out in the open, let the exposure sanitize the riff. And move on with honesty, compassion, and love. Just know that the hurt will always be there.

She was his for one moment of bad judgement and she has been yours for decades. That counts for something. To you, it should mean a lot.

That one moment of her bad judgement, of which you had no part, will never fade completely away. The best you can do is accept and make it part of your life with this woman. Caution, don't beat her with it. Let it lay. After all, she also has to deal with the pain of disappointing her mate. And cannot change the past.
 
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Great to hear you made it go forward with no secrets and forgivness from the lies. I made it go on our end after a few long hard years of thinking of dumping it it, but wife ws to good to me otherwise in all other aspects. I learned to accept the lies moving on with our life. Not like your wife she never admitted it and will not the code does exist live and well!. Will never admit it so there could never be no married life with out her secrets she thinks I do not know, I just accpeted it for years. Other than that has been a very great life together and productive with plenty of enjoyment. The older one gets the more the burn!
 
I will just keep this short and sweet. If you are married to a person that lies to you get out of it as soon as you can.
 
Oldtimer661 said:
Great to hear you made it go forward with no secrets and forgivness from the lies. I made it go on our end after a few long hard years of thinking of dumping it it, but wife ws to good to me otherwise in all other aspects. I learned to accept the lies moving on with our life. Not like your wife she never admitted it and will not the code does exist live and well!. Will never admit it so there could never be no married life with out her secrets she thinks I do not know, I just accpeted it for years. Other than that has been a very great life together and productive with plenty of enjoyment. The older one gets the more the burn!
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My wife was young and foolish with a girlfriend who gave her bad advice. Assured her that having an affair, would be "good for your marriage" and convinced her that I had been unfaithful. A woman we both knew once came to the house in the middle of the night whilst my wife was traveling. I turned her down. Told the wife but her friend said that was impossible. No man would refuse that. She believed her friend.
Who, BTW, I had also refused.

Lessoned learned for both of us.

Trust. It has to be there. Or evil wins.

Nothing in life is ever perfect. Marriage high amoungst that list. It is a daily work in progress between two imperfect people. Over the years, what could possibly go wrong? The answer is PLENTY.

Love and commitment are your only weapons. Don't lose sight of them over pent up anger.

The more I hear your comments, the more I fear the issue is you. You cannot let it go. Completely normal. However, it is a monster in the closet that will eventually defeat you and ruin what you do have together. It growls and taunts you. For her sake, and yours, don't open that door.

I have said it many times, morals matter. But without discipline, boundaries will be crossed. You will need discipline to keep that monster at bay and inside the boundaries of civility. Or evil will win. 46 years she has lived with whatever it was that happened. Forgive but don't forget. With forgiveness comes the task of letting go of your anger. It's not, in any way, helpful.
 
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My wife of 7 years and a relationship of 15 years has not lied to me or cheated because that is who she is. Can she be a challenge like a hot rod with a big cam at the stop light, you bet, but I would much rather deal with a running mouth than running around. She is not my first wife. the other lied and cheated. She is gone. Seems you have waited quite a while to start asking yourself questions , or is it you have been questioning it your entire married life. Everyone is different but I couldn't live like that. Im not sure how old you are and doing something after many years of accepting it is right either?? Or do you think she is still doing it ? Im not sure why someone would stay married after your spouse cheated and lied, then start questioning the decision 40 years later.
 
Got news for ever one. If they divorced their wife if she ever lied to them there would not be any married people on earth. There isn't a person, man or woman, who does not tell a lie sometime.
 
power1 said:
Got news for ever one. If they divorced their wife if she ever lied to them there would not be any married people on earth. There isn't a person, man or woman, who does not tell a lie sometime.
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So. Doesn't make it right or easy to accept.

Besides,,,; You are entirely missing the point.

A lie about something as serious as infidelity is not a lie about liking the ugly new wallpaper she picked out or that she is okay with another Saturday of golf widowhood. It is a life changing loss of trust in someone with whom trust is imperative. Intimacy is sacred. A gift married couples promise to share only with each other. When one partner gives that gift to someone else, it is devastating. Most couples do not survive it. Because of the lie and deceit involved.
 
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FrancSevin said:
So. Doesn't make it right or easy to accept.

Besides,,,; You are entirely missing the point.

A lie about something as serious as infidelity is not a lie about liking the ugly new wallpaper. It is a life changing loss of trust in someone with whom trust is imperative. Intimacy is sacred. A gift married couples promise to share only with each other. When one partner gives that gift to someone else, it is devastating. Most couples do not survive it. Because of the lie and deceit involved.
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I will agree with you. There is a difference in telling a lie about if you liked the new recipe she is trying out and where she spent all of last night. I can see no reason at all to stay with a person who is unfaithful to their spouse.
 
Oldtimer
I received a lot of advice over the years. But the best was from this woman, Ester Perel.

Intimavy - Bing video

www.bing.com www.bing.com

This is one of several self help videos she as on the subject. Her words are how I finally came to understanding and peace with my demons. And gave me the wisdom to work issues out and renew trust in the relationship.

It appears from you posts, the love is always there. But so is the pain. And, the triggers are also always there. Esther helps with that.
 
m1west said:
My wife of 7 years and a relationship of 15 years has not lied to me or cheated because that is who she is. Can she be a challenge like a hot rod with a big cam at the stop light, you bet, but I would much rather deal with a running mouth than running around. She is not my first wife. the other lied and cheated. She is gone. Seems you have waited quite a while to start asking yourself questions , or is it you have been questioning it your entire married life. Everyone is different but I couldn't live like that. Im not sure how old you are and doing something after many years of accepting it is right either?? Or do you think she is still doing it ? Im not sure why someone would stay married after your spouse cheated and lied, then start questioning the decision 40 years later.
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I'm glad to hear that you and your wife have that trust in each other. It is extremely uncommon.

I only exposed my experience to show I have personally dealt with the very same issues as Oltimer661. If you haven't been there, you simply cannot know the pain, the struggle to keep things together, and the triggers of flashback that come literally on a daily, and nightly basis.

Infidelity is the cruelest act a partner can commit. Because, if you stay with the partner, the debris remains in the package.
 
I have been cheated by a woman I was married to, that thought was my best friend, I know the pain, disbelief and anger, she was my second wife. I was single for more that 10 years after that. I came home from working and found a note, about 3 weeks later I got a phone call with all the crying and sorrow to go with it, then the begging as everything she left for had fallen apart. Did part of me want to? Yes it did and was very difficult to let go, as I said she was my best friend, we did everything together and didn't bicker about anything . But I felt then and still feel now that once a cheater always a cheater. My wife now, doesn't enjoy all the activities that I do and we have disagreements, but I trust her with my life. I would never have had that with the other one. The Trust trumps all the rest in my book.
 
The reason "once a cheater always a cheater" happens is in the bassice discipleine of the person who would cheat. For all their love and commitment to their partner, when it comes to the moment of choice, they will let their emotion overwhelm their moral boundaries and chose for themselves. It is not a lack of love but of discipline.

Mine never cheated again but 20 years later she had a full hysterectomy and shut sex down altogether. She developed Intimacy anorexia, a real syndrome. Literally a choice she made and just as devastating as an affair. It reached a point that either she had to leave, or I did. Had she left I would never have taken her back.

I tried to leave but my promises at the alter brought me back. Discipline. And eventually made it work. But the demons are always there and at times I wish I had sent her back to her parents in shame.

In all honesty, she is trying so hard to bring us back. I have to respect that and participate as best Ican. Things are great now. Better than ever actually. Because she knows what she almost lost. I pray each day they stay that way. Like Oldtime661, I so love this woman I cannot imagine life without her.
 
Life is a journey full of choices. What is right for one may not be for others. My opinions on here are just that, my opinions. I don't stand in judgment of what others do as long as its not effecting me, then its my business. I have made my decisions based on who I am not on who others are. :cool:
 
Some men do not mind if their wife cheats on them. Some want their wife to cheat on them. Some are afraid of their wife and are scared to say anything. It takes all kinds. I have a set of rules I live by. If I am married it is because my wife has the same set of rules. It hasn't worked out as some women will change the rules and not tell me about their change of mind. When that happens it is time for us to split what we have and go our own ways.
 
Appreciate all the input and opinions of every one of you all. Very hard to deal with some things here that has been offered and said I will seek out and will help deal with it more or help me to maybe get her to admit what I have attemped to get from her for nearly 50 years. Two things comes to mind that M1west has said: "I have been cheated by a woman I was married to", "that thought was my best friend I came home from working and found a note".

I never ever had that to happen. Was ready and prepared for that day and note to happen to me! Had it occurred, would have executed the near same plan you did by letting go no matter how much pain inflicted never to reconcile again. Because verification would have been done for my mind almost 50 years ago!

I only have one night in all our years after the service that I have been with her that SHE has had an excuse not be home for a night at her work. I never bothered to ever check it to see if in fact she was work all that night. So the flings she has had after my return from the Army have not been serious enough for her to stay all nights or the thoughts of leaving that I know of for sure nor has she ever threatened a divorce or separation of any kind! However, there were many nights I was away from home due to work for days at a time I know nothing about to include after our family was raised of who or where she may have been all nights.

I just wanted her to be honest with me since the first time to tell me herself. I have told her from when we married young on day one if she ever wanted out or found another just tell me no need to lie or deceit and I would do the same. I kept my end of the agreement. She is truly my best friend and I most certainly have bared the pain of deceit since month 4 of our marriage for sure.The lie is the or many of them not sure, is the issue at hand not so much the act of what she may have done a few or several times near as much! The other part is the reason for why she liedto me to start with being a fact she lied for sure and finally after some years later admitted to it? Why?
 
FrancSevin said:
My wife was young and foolish with a girlfriend who gave her bad advice. Assured her that having an affair, would be "good for your marriage" and convinced her that I had been unfaithful. A woman we both knew once came to the house in the middle of the night whilst my wife was traveling. I turned her down. Told the wife but her friend said that was impossible. No man would refuse that. She believed her friend.
Who, BTW, I had also refused.

Lessoned learned for both of us.

Trust. It has to be there. Or evil wins.

Nothing in life is ever perfect. Marriage high amoungst that list. It is a daily work in progress between two imperfect people. Over the years, what could possibly go wrong? The answer is PLENTY.

Love and commitment are your only weapons. Don't lose sight of them over pent up anger.

The more I hear your comments, the more I fear the issue is you. You cannot let it go. Completely normal. However, it is a monster in the closet that will eventually defeat you and ruin what you do have together. It growls and taunts you. For her sake, and yours, don't open that door.

I have said it many times, morals matter. But without discipline, boundaries will be crossed. You will need discipline to keep that monster at bay and inside the boundaries of civility. Or evil will win. 46 years she has lived with whatever it was that happened. Forgive but don't forget. With forgiveness comes the task of letting go of your anger. It's not, in any way, helpful.
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Could not agree with you more long term relationships take to much from both ends to stay as one for sure most give up I think. Not so sure all marrigaes if strating out very young can be 100% never wanting from the other to try the goods outside,such as ego to see if they can, not going to do it, wants to play with by not maybe going all the way, enjoyment of still atracting others which should not destroy a marriage in my mind, but doing so and getting caught the other may not ever ask even though they know, but if they do and ask you you of your honesty be the partner and tell it like it is with no lies, no deciet which causes no pian from natural tendicies and feelings and sometimes passionate mistakes from too many spirits which has no effect on one you love / best friend! Maybe I'm wrong but I think most on a dance floor has been felt up way more than their best friend will ever know with no damages ever done and enjoyed every minute of it!
 
power1 said:
I will agree with you. There is a difference in telling a lie about if you liked the new recipe she is trying out and where she spent all of last night. I can see no reason at all to stay with a person who is unfaithful to their spouse.
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It can be of different circumstances for some and not for others I agree. It depends on what the issues are in my mind,but hat is only my opinion.
 
I hope you found some help here. This is the kind of thing one would really need to talk about and yet cannot. I know because this is the first time I have ever told the story to anyone. Even though I don't really know you or the people who visit this forum that well, it was a relief to finally say it out loud.
I hope you found the same to be true.
 
m1west said:
My wife of 7 years and a relationship of 15 years has not lied to me or cheated because that is who she is. Can she be a challenge like a hot rod with a big cam at the stop light, you bet, but I would much rather deal with a running mouth than running around. She is not my first wife. the other lied and cheated. She is gone. Seems you have waited quite a while to start asking yourself questions , or is it you have been questioning it your entire married life. Everyone is different but I couldn't live like that. Im not sure how old you are and doing something after many years of accepting it is right either?? Or do you think she is still doing it ? Im not sure why someone would stay married after your spouse cheated and lied, then start questioning the decision 40 years later.
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You make a good point and understand your thinking some what. I think any man and woman who can say their spouse has never cheated on them is making a very bold statement of which can only be verified by trust. I can tell you there is many many out there who would say the same thing never been cheated on in any to find out years later they was wrong! My wife was worth it to me for the 40 plus years we been best friends. You make a good point I cant give an honest answer with knowing the truth of my issue and that is to start questioning my desion 40 plus years later. I\m not sure. I'm sure I would make the same decsion again with out knowing the truth. It is something I have wanted to know for 40 Plus years but never really thought so much as to it would go this long with out ever knowing.

I know 100% certain my wife wife lies to me about going out shortly after we was married and even denied that for years. I never could get her to admit any thing went on only she would deny any thing did. I do not know WHY she lies about being out? Would like to know the answer before my life is over. I made the decision to live with it long ago thinking I would find a way she would tell me why. it never happened! I'm sure there is a way to get her to tell me but I don't know what it is?
 
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