• Please be sure to read the rules and adhere to them. Some banned members have complained that they are not spammers. But they spammed us. Some even tried to redirect our members to other forums. Duh. Be smart. Read the rules and adhere to them and we will all get along just fine. Cheers. :beer: Link to the rules: https://www.forumsforums.com/threads/forum-rules-info.2974/

Hidden Engagement

pirate_girl said:
My final thought:
Good Luck.
I wish you all the best.
Thank you for stopping in by the way.
I always have a bit of question when new people join the forum and start out wanting advice and taking a thread on and on and on like this.
I am confident you are a legit poster who has taken some of us on the emotional ride with you.
For me it's been great to offer the way I feel about the subject.
As for now, I am going to move on and get back to the business at hand.
Again, good luck.
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I’ll be honest, I don’t know a lot about forums. But I do know that once you confide in your close friends in person they can take on such a strong opinion of what THEY think you should do that they loose sight of whose decision and whose life this really is. I like the anonymity of not having to really worry about hurting anyone’s feelings if I choose to do as I darn well please. So… this forum seems cool. I will post again when fettered with doubt or simply give my opinion where I might find an interesting topic.
 
Erik said:
No worries - was not pissed, merely restated the post in terms less easy to misinterpret.
go, play, have fun in the rest of the forum
keep us posted on the relationship if you like
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you may not have been irritated... but I had been going round and round today with Mr. Hidden himself. So I was rather pissed before I got on here and started making light of it.
 
and you did a wonderful job of restraining yourself from venting your frustration on the rest of us!:clap:

I also agree - at times it's easier to get (or give) advice from folks with no vested interest in the outcome.
 
Spilling Her Heart said:
So goes the old adage that it is easier to give advice than to take it
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A truism. So why waste time and effort giving you the benefit of my experience and wisdom. You're not going to listen anyway. You're going to continue letting this guy play you like a violin.

The best advice you've been given came from PG and your girlfriends. Now do what you were going to do in the first place .... and regret it for the rest of your life.

Oh, and welcome to the friendly board. :flowers:
 
EastTexFrank said:
A truism. So why waste time and effort giving you the benefit of my experience and wisdom. You're not going to listen anyway. You're going to continue letting this guy play you like a violin.

The best advice you've been given came from PG and your girlfriends. Now do what you were going to do in the first place .... and regret it for the rest of your life.

Oh, and welcome to the friendly board. :flowers:
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Thanks friendly. I will certainly do what I ascertain to be the best outcome for me and those that I love. However I do enjoy the input from others even if those opinions aren’t necessarily warm and fuzzy. :whistling:
 
If you care to continue talking on this ..... I read where you and he are apart this week. Is that because all this came to a head or something all together different?
 
Welcome to the forum. :clap: :clap: :clap:
I've read through the thread and the point that stood uot to me was that you are very emotionally envoled with this person, which makes it harder
to look at the other person realisitly(sp). I don't know this person
personally, I can only draw conclusions by what you say about him.

He appears to have a slinky for a backbone, not a spine when it comes
to the ex and her parents. If the ex is going to be retailite(sp) she will
reguardless now or later so get ready. I don't see him standing up for you now or will he ever. My suggestion get premarital counsuling NOW.
Don't wait. This man is hiding something what I don't know.

This is my opionion only based on what you have said. Be Smart. :clap:
 
Doc said:
If you care to continue talking on this ..... I read where you and he are apart this week. Is that because all this came to a head or something all together different?
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The thing that set me off was spending time with her parents and having to hide the fact that we are engaged. This bothered me a lot. Originally I did say that I didn’t care if she knew right away. I didn’t expect him to send her a “by the way” email or anything. But I didn’t expect to fully live a lie either. The thing that bothers me now is that I feel his is hiding something from me. I find the whole thing suspect. He says that if I love him, that I just need to trust him.
 
ncroamer65 said:
Welcome to the forum. :clap: :clap: :clap:
I've read through the thread and the point that stood uot to me was that you are very emotionally envoled with this person, which makes it harder
to look at the other person realisitly(sp). I don't know this person
personally, I can only draw conclusions by what you say about him.

He appears to have a slinky for a backbone, not a spine when it comes
to the ex and her parents. If the ex is going to be retailite(sp) she will
reguardless now or later so get ready. I don't see him standing up for you now or will he ever. My suggestion get premarital counsuling NOW.
Don't wait. This man is hiding something what I don't know.

This is my opionion only based on what you have said. Be Smart. :clap:
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All of these opinions make perfect sense to me. Why is it that when I present these same ideas to me I am greeted with the idea that I am simply irrational? In his eyes, none of this is a big deal. He thinks that we are simply delaying telling her and that whether she knows or not should not matter so much to me. But it sure seems to matter to him. I said that to him. Then he said I was simply putting up hoops for him to jump through. Now he feels that all I do is make this up as a reason to fight. I really do second guess my own sanity after a conversation with him.

I think counceling would be a good idea.
 
The fact that little alarm bells are going off gives me no reason to question your sanity, nor should you.


ncroamer said this guy's got a slinky for a spine, and he nailed it! IF your beau is on the up and up, he should be able to tell his ex straight out; "Listen, _______ and I are gonna get married. What you and I had is done and over with. We still have the kids and that's not gonna change. I expect you to be civil toward her and me. You WILL respect the relationship I have with __________ and stay the hell out of our affairs."


As a prospective bride, I bet you're just aching to wear that ring everywhere. You want to proclaim to the entire world; "Look!!! I'm ____________'s woman!"

You have every right to do just that. In fact, grow some hair on your chest and wear it anyway. If he makes a fuss, give it back to him and tell him just where he can hide it!!!!

If he's making you suspicious, then he's a suspicious person IMHO. He's got some proving up to do now, you don't!
 
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Well he is incredibly stubborn. He only sees this as a nuisance. I don’t think he would have spent all of that money on a ring if he didn’t care. He brings up the fact that the ring should prove that he does care. His family and everyone… but she and those close to her know already. Other than the kids. His final comment in an email today was that I can see this as a glass half empty or half full. That he loves me and will be there when I decide. He has no intention of proving anything to me. To have to prove anything would simply be a burdensome hoop that I place in front of him in order to entertain myself. This is how he makes it sound at least.
 
I feel like an inbred puppy chasing my tail on this issue. In fact, he never admits to being wrong on any one subject. Just misunderstood. “I may be saying this out of frustration, but I am truly frustrated”. I just want to be heard and understood by him. But the only way to be on the same page is to jump onto his page. I can not squash these feelings that he is harboring feelings for her or he would not care what she thinks. He claims it’s “drama” he is avoiding, but who even knows that she would care? She is quite happy in her own life and relationship. I am not proceeding anywhere at this time… just stuck. I do love him, or I would not be so bothered by it all.
 
Wow, where do I start.
Spilling, my situation was little different but oh so familiar when I was divorced and found my new love Phyllis. I think my ex knew we were seeing each other, they worked together and Phyl often babysat my one son. But we would never be together while I had the kids at my house. OUR choice though, not just mine. My ex was a spiteful woman who left me for a 19 yr old druggie. I did hide a lot from her just to see my son. She would threaten me with no visitation if I looked cross eyed. My ex-Mother in Law knew her daughter was going down a bad road.

Eventually I introduced the boys to her a little at a time. They loved her. They couldn't wait to be around her. When we discussed maybe getting married after a year or so, it was Phyl who said, "What will the boys say? Is it okay with them? Should we ask them?" So we did. They wanted nothing more. They even had a part in the wedding where they were asked permission from the preacher for us to get married. That was so cool.

Then my ex moved him out of state the next day for 3 years. As pissed as Phyl was, she bit her tongue as I let my ex dictate every freaking thing that happened. I just needed to see my son once a year. Once they got back to our town, somehow Phyl helped me polish off my man balls and straightened my back bone. I took a stand and set down some rules.


Fast forward a few years. My ex and her Mom were at our house for Christmas and all other celebrations for years. My ex developed cancer. Phyl was with me at her side each and every time she went to the hospital. When Kim passed away, I was at her side with Phyl holding one hand and me holding the other.

My son was the reason we were there, but she was still family as well. He still tells me thanks for being there with him.

I guess what I'm trying to get across is, don't give up on him. He may be weak spined, but you have a place in his new life too that he needs to recognize. The kids have already recognized this. And it seems they endorse it. My opinion? Tell the ex what you have in mind. And her family. Do it together.

BTW, Phyl still calls my ex-MIL Mom. And she still comes to the house when she's able. Phyl and I celebrated 20 years of marriage this year.
 
OhioTC18 said:
Wow, where do I start.
Spilling, my situation was little different but oh so familiar when I was divorced and found my new love Phyllis. I think my ex knew we were seeing each other, they worked together and Phyl often babysat my one son. But we would never be together while I had the kids at my house. OUR choice though, not just mine. My ex was a spiteful woman who left me for a 19 yr old druggie. I did hide a lot from her just to see my son. She would threaten me with no visitation if I looked cross eyed. My ex-Mother in Law knew her daughter was going down a bad road.

Eventually I introduced the boys to her a little at a time. They loved her. They couldn't wait to be around her. When we discussed maybe getting married after a year or so, it was Phyl who said, "What will the boys say? Is it okay with them? Should we ask them?" So we did. They wanted nothing more. They even had a part in the wedding where they were asked permission from the preacher for us to get married. That was so cool.

Then my ex moved him out of state the next day for 3 years. As pissed as Phyl was, she bit her tongue as I let my ex dictate every freaking thing that happened. I just needed to see my son once a year. Once they got back to our town, somehow Phyl helped me polish off my man balls and straightened my back bone. I took a stand and set down some rules.


Fast forward a few years. My ex and her Mom were at our house for Christmas and all other celebrations for years. My ex developed cancer. Phyl was with me at her side each and every time she went to the hospital. When Kim passed away, I was at her side with Phyl holding one hand and me holding the other.

My son was the reason we were there, but she was still family as well. He still tells me thanks for being there with him.

I guess what I'm trying to get across is, don't give up on him. He may be weak spined, but you have a place in his new life too that he needs to recognize. The kids have already recognized this. And it seems they endorse it. My opinion? Tell the ex what you have in mind. And her family. Do it together.

BTW, Phyl still calls my ex-MIL Mom. And she still comes to the house when she's able. Phyl and I celebrated 20 years of marriage this year.
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This is where I am torn. If he is really spineless for the sake of the kids I could perhaps swallow my pride and be a little more understanding. But when the ex starts texting and calling about things that don't pertain to the kids I get suspicious as to HIS intentions by allowing this. I draw the line at what effects the kids and what seems to be just plain pointless @$$ kissing. I have asked him until I am blue in the face to just tell me if he can't let her go. I am not a troll, and he is not the last good man on the planet. But he swears that he loves me and only me. The confusion for me is that his words and actions contradict each other so.
 
Spilling Her Heart said:
This is where I am torn. If he is really spineless for the sake of the kids I could perhaps swallow my pride and be a little more understanding. But when the ex starts texting and calling about things that don't pertain to the kids I get suspicious as to HIS intentions by allowing this. I draw the line at what effects the kids and what seems to be just plain pointless @$$ kissing. I have asked him until I am blue in the face to just tell me if he can't let her go. I am not a troll, and he is not the last good man on the planet. But he swears that he loves me and only me. The confusion for me is that his words and actions contradict each other so.
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We have a bingo!!!
 
Ok, take this with a grain of salt since it is coming from a guy who never had luck with women, but i think he is getting the milk for free and needs cut off right now. Cut him off and see what changes. Can i ask are u two about the same age? And have u been married before? I didn't read everybodys comment so forgive me if that has been asked. And welcome to the forums.
 
Durwood said:
Ok, take this with a grain of salt since it is coming from a guy who never had luck with women, but i think he is getting the milk for free and needs cut off right now. Cut him off and see what changes. Can i ask are u two about the same age? And have u been married before? I didn't read everybodys comment so forgive me if that has been asked. And welcome to the forums.
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I am 35 and he is 38. We have both been married before. I don't have as close a relationship with my ex as he does with his. My ex lives about 5 hours away where his lives 15 minutes away. My daughter is 18 and the communication with her father is nada. Where as his two daughters are 6 and 8. His divorce is also quite a bit more "fresh" than mine.
 
Final thought:
Throw the bastard to the curb.
Go out and talk with your girlfriends over a nice meal.
Start over.
The End.
 
Spilling Her Heart said:
He says that if I love him, that I just need to trust him.
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Now where have I heard that before??? Oh yes, it was me. In my dark and dingy past, during my playboy phase, I must have used it a thousand times. It worked about 80% of the time which isn't bad. It meant that I got laid 4 times out of 5. I'm sorry but I don't have a very high opinion of your boyfriend. He's a manipulator. JMHO.
 
Sorry, but am I the only one who is raising question over this whole thing/thread?
Woman joins public forum for "Agony Aunt" advice.
Woman during getting said advice from various members takes time to post pics of herself, ring etc..
All well and good.
Said woman comes back another day to ask for more advice when honest to God, that time would have been more fruitfully spent talking to those in her own back yard if situation was as desperate as it seems.
Just my opinion.
Maybe I am feeling exhausted after last nights "advice"..
Still, 'net searchers who join forums in this manner always put a huge question in my small brain, and they always will.
 
Another point of interest about divorced people is they tend to feel more comfortable around personalies they were married to. :yum:

What bugs you now in this relationship will bug you after the marriage.
He's sees no reason to change so why should he. :whistling:
Manipulators always make you feel like you have a problem not them.
An old saying comes to mind "Love is deaf and blind" and I see this
in couples that talk about relationships and marriages. No offence
intended.
What you see in my posts was learned over 20 years ago and
are still relivant. :clap:
If you buy a house, car, or other major items we do research. Why
not what goes into marragies to help them work.
Marrage is a relationship that requires 150% from both partners.
I still suggest counseling for you even if he refuses to go, which
might show is his love real.
 
pirate_girl said:
Sorry, but am I the only one who is raising question over this whole thing/thread?
Woman joins public forum for "Agony Aunt" advice.
Woman during getting said advice from various members takes time to post pics of herself, ring etc..
All well and good.
Said woman comes back another day to ask for more advice when honest to God, that time would have been more fruitfully spent talking to those in her own back yard if situation was as desperate as it seems.
Just my opinion.
Maybe I am feeling exhausted after last nights "advice"..
Still, 'net searchers who join forums in this manner always put a huge question in my small brain, and they always will.
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I have to disagree PG. If someone is having issues and needs somewhere to talk things out the internet is perfect. Like someone else already posted you can get opinions from folks who are not affected by the outcome. They'll tell you what they think of it without other issues getting in the way. It is what forums are for.
All advice is just that, advice. The same you could get at a neighborhood BBQ or over a backyard fence. Except lots of others can join in on the conversation.
I suspect she has already talked to those in her backyard (from what she has posted) and is frustrated to death of this situation and putting out feelers to see if indeed she is the problem or not.
I hope she was helped by the honest opinions of our members.
 
Trakternut said:
Nuther Bingo!
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If I ran with my tail between my legs every time any personal relationship showed the slightest bit of adversity I wouldn’t have any girlfriends either. I try and fully weigh all sides before picking one. Granted I don’t like his approach on this and certain things have made me feel slighted and uncomfortable. I am an extremely analytical person, something I see you people can relate to ;-) So is retrospect I may make mountains out of molehills or simply see the semi truck lights at the end of the tunnel. Who knows for sure with speculation you are left with just that…guessing. I do take the time to explain all of how I feel to him. And sometimes we go round and round trying to show the other how valid our point is. For him.. he believes his point is about the happiness of his children. The happiness of their mother can affect all involved. On my side, I believe that my feelings should be equally valid. He has since acknowledged that and told me to keep the ring on at all times. When and if she asks directly he will give her an honest answer. He would like to make it casual and not a big event. So he is not exactly going to announce it to her if it isn’t brought up.

All of your advice has been sincerly weighed and grately appreciated. Thank you :wink:
 
pirate_girl said:
Sorry, but am I the only one who is raising question over this whole thing/thread?
Woman joins public forum for "Agony Aunt" advice.
Woman during getting said advice from various members takes time to post pics of herself, ring etc..
All well and good.
Said woman comes back another day to ask for more advice when honest to God, that time would have been more fruitfully spent talking to those in her own back yard if situation was as desperate as it seems.
Just my opinion.
Maybe I am feeling exhausted after last nights "advice"..
Still, 'net searchers who join forums in this manner always put a huge question in my small brain, and they always will.
Click to expand...

Since I am a career person my friends revolve around my office. I am not in a position that I can discuss personal matters like this with office pals. My direct family is limited to my 18 year old daughter, so I won’t be burdening her for advice either. I have no living relatives left. My best friend is his sister… so unbiased my not be an option there either. But she does see the validity of my point. This leaves the forum that I chose because I didn’t want any of this to conflict with my day to day life.
 
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