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Hidden Engagement

Trakternut said:
What we call "gut feelings" are simply our unconscious selves nudging our conscious selves.
Our brains process and store hundreds and thousands of bits of information every day without us being aware of it. Certain things will stimulate a memory of what's stored and it manifests itself as a "gut feeling".
Your "sensibility lights" flashing is your "gut" telling you "Whoah! There, Missy! Step back and take a goooood long gander at this knight in shining armor!!!"
I think you'd be much better off if you did just that. Examine yourself thoroughly. I smell a skunk in this here culvert.
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Ahhhhhhhhhhh another voice of manly reason.
:biggrin:

Well said Monte.
 
Trakternut said:
What we call "gut feelings" are simply our unconscious selves nudging our conscious selves.
Our brains process and store hundreds and thousands of bits of information every day without us being aware of it. Certain things will stimulate a memory of what's stored and it manifests itself as a "gut feeling".
Your "sensibility lights" flashing is your "gut" telling you "Whoah! There, Missy! Step back and take a goooood long gander at this knight in shining armor!!!"
I think you'd be much better off if you did just that. Examine yourself thoroughly. I smell a skunk in this here culvert.
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Even if his emotions won’t let him move forward, I have a hard time condemning him to a pugnacious odorous being. He may be so convincingly lying to himself about all of this that he can’t see the forest for the trees. I am simply trying to sort through the mess at hand. But my gut also tells me this is a good man. One that I would befriend even if not romantically involved.
 
Spilling Her Heart said:
I have met her, had texted chat with her where she belittled him and told me things he swears were not true. Some were silly things like "he never helped with the kids in our marriage". This is clearly untrue bases on the way he tends to the children now. But I let her vent, speak her peace and so on. She left him, and has told me that she has no feelings for him and I could have him. Uh.. That was awkward since I didn't know I needed to ask for him. Things like that have made the impression that she is capable of retaliation... but why or how? Isn't he allowed to move forward with his life? She has. So is this threat of retaliation real or conjured due to emotional strings he refuses to sever? I really don't know. I have asked him and his constant response is that I am the only one for him and that he loves me.
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venting is normal and human - don't stress that.
if she gave you permission to take him, it means she knows she still has some sort of hold, even if only because he hasn't cut himself loose yet.
I'm sure she's capable of retaliation - just as I'm sure he's capable of pushing her buttons - but that doesn't mean she will.
He's allowed to move forward, that's not really the question you're asking -- it's is he willing to move forward.

It's easy for some to say what they think someone else wants to hear, it's harder to tell the truth that you don't really want to admit to yourself.

whichever way you choose to go with this, best of luck --- oh, yeah, and welcome to the forums!
 
Spilling Her Heart said:
Even if his emotions won’t let him move forward, I have a hard time condemning him to a pugnacious odorous being. He may be so convincingly lying to himself about all of this that he can’t see the forest for the trees. I am simply trying to sort through the mess at hand. But my gut also tells me this is a good man. One that I would befriend even if not romantically involved.
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Well then, be patient and wait for him to prove himself otherwise.
You seem to be committed to him. Stand by him, let him do what he does, but keep in mind you DO NOT have to be there unless you choose to be there.
Be a strong woman and uhh, keep him on a short leash if you can.
Be mindful that there are plenty of other fishes in the sea, and that life is too short.
There isn't a damned thing wrong believing in someone and investing your heart with trust, but that heart of yours must remember that at the end of the day, there is only one you on this earth and that first and foremost you must think about yourself.
 
Spilling Her Heart said:
Even if his emotions won’t let him move forward, I have a hard time condemning him to a pugnacious odorous being. He may be so convincingly lying to himself about all of this that he can’t see the forest for the trees. I am simply trying to sort through the mess at hand. But my gut also tells me this is a good man. One that I would befriend even if not romantically involved.
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and that may be the most telling part of all of this.
perhaps what you have is a romance that's heading towards being a really good, deep friendship for a while.
I have a couple of friends that dated for a few years, but for whatever reason, one or the other wasn't ready to tie the knot and they went their separate ways. they stayed friends, and then about 15 years later, they went out on a date and pretty soon were to be married.
the first time around, they apparently weren't ready -- each had some lessons to learn.
At this point they've been married for better than a dozen years, have gone through good times and bad, and ended up swapping coasts and careers (a couple of times for the careers)

if it's right, you will all be able to make it work out. If you can't figure out how to communicate, you won't.
 
Erik said:
venting is normal and human - don't stress that.
if she gave you permission to take him, it means she knows she still has some sort of hold, even if only because he hasn't cut himself loose yet.
I'm sure she's capable of retaliation - just as I'm sure he's capable of pushing her buttons - but that doesn't mean she will.
He's allowed to move forward, that's not really the question you're asking -- it's is he willing to move forward.

It's easy for some to say what they think someone else wants to hear, it's harder to tell the truth that you don't really want to admit to yourself.

whichever way you choose to go with this, best of luck --- oh, yeah, and welcome to the forums!
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I came here to hear the truth... not some
candy coated concoction made up by friends who want me to feel better about the situation. The time now is to closely evaluate, not apply a superficial bandage
 
Good!! It's good to hear that you're actually trying to listen. Most people would shut their ears when they hear something that isn't pleasant. I think you're gonna be alright. Might be painful, but in the end,alright!
 
Spilling Her Heart said:
I came here to hear the truth... not some
candy coated concoction made up by friends who want me to feel better about the situation. The time now is to closely evaluate, not apply a superficial bandage
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Erik was simply offering his side.
That's the way it is here.
If you come for advice, you'll most likely get different points of view from a lot of members.
My POV is purely from standing in your shoes and stepping outside the box with what I hope has been a bit of reason.
Don't ask tho... I've messed up a time or three around here...
 
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Yeah, but you know what? PG's good as gold! Her mistakes hurt no one. She's honest as the day is long and has a damned good head on her shoulders. She should scare the hell out of most men because she's who she is, the real deal. She's deserving of a damned good listen.
 
Trakternut said:
Yeah, but you know what? PG's good as gold! Her mistakes hurt no one. She's honest as the day is long and has a damned good head on her shoulders. She should scare the hell out of most men because she's who she is, the real deal. She's deserving of a damned good listen.
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Which is why I am still single. haha! ;)

Just kidding Monte, and thanks.
 
Spilling Her Heart said:
I came here to hear the truth... not some
candy coated concoction made up by friends who want me to feel better about the situation. The time now is to closely evaluate, not apply a superficial bandage
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wasn't trying to candy coat anything.
You can read my words however you like, but it sounds like you didn't hear the same message PG & Tnuts did - or what I meant.

any power she has over him is because he gives it to her.
if he's afraid of retaliation, maybe he's done something to deserve it.

you've asked us what the problem is - and there are 2 of them.
a) he's afraid/unwilling to move on with his life.
b) you're letting him have a new life without having to let go of the old one.

so, what truth that you already know in your heart/gut do you not want to admit to yourself about the situation?
 
Erik said:
wasn't trying to candy coat anything.
You can read my words however you like, but it sounds like you didn't hear the same message PG & Tnuts did - or what I meant.

any power she has over him is because he gives it to her.
if he's afraid of retaliation, maybe he's done something to deserve it.

you've asked us what the problem is - and there are 2 of them.
a) he's afraid/unwilling to move on with his life.
b) you're letting him have a new life without having to let go of the old one.
so, what truth that you already know in your heart/gut do you not want to admit to yourself about the situation?
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Yup.
 
Erik said:
any power she has over him is because he gives it to her.
if he's afraid of retaliation, maybe he's done something to deserve it.
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On the other hand, some people have inherent qualities that they just are. Scorpions sting, and some ex-spouses are just naturally vindictive.

Regardless,

Erik said:
you've asked us what the problem is - and there are 2 of them.
a) he's afraid/unwilling to move on with his life.
b) you're letting him have a new life without having to let go of the old one.
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I agree with (a) and (b) 100%.
 
Spilling Her Heart said:
He claims that it needs to be a secret due to possible retaliation on her part. But he says he has no reason to believe she would care, and that he does not care about her. So, why the need to hide?
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because as a person with a vendictive,mean,nasty,mean,mean,horribly mean(you see a pattern here?..lol) ex-wife, i can see his point a little bit. i had to do the same thing because everytime i started seeing someone new, my ex would keep me from seeing my daughter. sometimes its just easier to do what you know is not right when it comes to kids and mean exes

Cowboyjg said:
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO


He is or he insn't, your are or you aren't, he will or he won't,

HE DOES OR HE DOESN'T......

Tooooooooo complicated. I think you're setting your self up for trouble.

If you don't have migranes now....you will.

Hell, even the airlines charge for EXCESS baggage (and I don't mean the kids)

Sorry, but there are some things that you don't compromise on...Love is one!



Nice to meet you.

Welcome to the forums....:smile:
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your right there are things like love you dont compromise on, i have personally had to make a choice between a daughter and new love. sometimes our exes are mean & nasty beyond words.

so what do you choose? the love of your kids? or the love of a fiancee?
 
Spilling Her Heart said:
Nope. I read you loud and clear and commend your for NOT candy coating.

My hooked on phonics set was A OK as a kiddio:thumb::thumb:
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Thanks.
I am not into shit talking for the sake of making anyone happy.
Been there, done that.. bought the t-shirts too much.
Now.. take those ladyballs I know you possess and take the advice you've received here (as well as those of your "real life" non-internet acquaintences) and think about how you'll move forward.
K? :wink:
 
BamsBBQ said:
because as a person with a vendictive,mean,nasty,mean,mean,horribly mean(you see a pattern here?..lol) ex-wife, i can see his point a little bit. i had to do the same thing because everytime i started seeing someone new, my ex would keep me from seeing my daughter. sometimes its just easier to do what you know is not right when it comes to kids and mean exes



your right there are things like love you dont compromise on, i have personally had to make a choice between a daughter and new love. sometimes our exes are mean & nasty beyond words.

so what do you choose? the love of your kids? or the love of a fiancee?
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Well that provides a different take on previous scenario. Problem is that I have yet to see proof of any real vindictive actions. She left him for another man and seems quite content with that man. Some comments she makes can be digs but for the most part a few little digs are no reason to hide in a cave for the next six months.

Thanks for your input :smile:
 
pirate_girl said:
Thanks.
I am not into shit talking for the sake of making anyone happy.
Been there, done that.. bought the t-shirts too much.
Now.. take those ladyballs I know you possess and take the advice you've received here (as well as those of your "real life" non-internet acquaintences) and think about how you'll move forward.
K? :wink:
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Well not to go into too much detail, but I have certainly already polished up the shiny brass ones and put them on display of the window in MY HOME. As that is where I am residing this week. I am thinking things through and he can do the same. I have made my feelings even more clear to him...than on here. Even though he chooses not to see the validity of them.... just yet.
 
Spilling Her Heart said:
Well not to go into too much detail, but I have certainly already polished up the shiny brass ones and put them on display of the window in MY HOME. As that is where I am residing this week. I am thinking things through and he can do the same. I have made my feelings even more clear to him...than on here. Even though he chooses not to see the validity of them.... just yet.
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My final thought:
Good Luck.
I wish you all the best.
Thank you for stopping in by the way.
I always have a bit of question when new people join the forum and start out wanting advice and taking a thread on and on and on like this.
I am confident you are a legit poster who has taken some of us on the emotional ride with you.
For me it's been great to offer the way I feel about the subject.
As for now, I am going to move on and get back to the business at hand.
Again, good luck.
 
Spilling Her Heart said:
LOL... NP. You people make me laugh even when completely pissed off. :yum:

Thanks for the smiles
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No worries - was not pissed, merely restated the post in terms less easy to misinterpret.
go, play, have fun in the rest of the forum
keep us posted on the relationship if you like
 
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