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Dementia and Alzheimers

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Rest at night knowing that you did your best . God bless you, our prayers are still with you. Best of luck!!


Edit: Remember we are still here if you need us, even just to talk.
 
I have had to come to the conclusion that my Dad wasn't the man I knew and loved at one time. It's a heart wrenching decision that you really don't believe when it comes down to it. Especially if you have to look them in the face. Stay strong because your right about your wife and kids needing you. If your Dad was in his right frame of mine then he would tell you that your wife and kids came first. You are doing the best you can and that's all anyone can ask.
 
BigAl said:
Dad call me a little bit ago . He wants to back out on assisted living .Again...


I'm done .... I just gave up . The man I thought I knew does not exist anymore . He is a complete stranger . I always thought of myself as a tuff SOB who would always get the job done , no matter what . I sent a letter today to my brother and sister turning over all the family affairs and assets to them . I have resigned from the family as of today and it is now official . I can't stand by and watch my Dad kill himself slowly and then keep expecting me to pick up the pieces . I'll have my memories from this day forward .Hes taking me down with him and I have a loving wife and children that need me too .
I figure I can't help Dad anymore , but I can do some good helping others who want to help themselves with the life I have left .

I'll close up and sale Calfornia and I am never looking back . Idaho will be next and then we will head to Panama to work with the school kids and people who really need it . Thats been my callin for quite some time now and all the money in the world can't keep me here any longer .
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I think you made the right decision Al.
This was obviously burning you out and you had no choice but to allow other family members to take over.
As you said, you have a wife and kids to think about.
The brunt of the decision should have never been soley your thing anyway, not if you have siblings who should have been just as much a part of it from the get go.
Rest assured that you've done ok.. and that your Dad sooner or later will be in the best place he can be.
Happy, healthy and well cared for.
Hugs.
 
This morning Dad called and said he was sorry . That even made me feel worst then I already felt .
He agreed that he needs to go to 24 hour care .

I drove out there and then drove him to his Doctor's Appointment and we talked in detail about everything . I am not holding my breath that he will actually be moving to assisted living . We shall see .
I played my final cards last night and this morning . Dad knows I don't bluff .

I sure would like to see Dad safe in a secure enviroment .

His wife just accused me today of trying to "Just stick him in a Retirment Home , so I could sell his house and kick her ass out " .

My fathers wife has Dementia and I purposely chose this Assisted Living Complex because they also work with Dementia and Alzhemimers patients and there fore she can stay with Dad and they can be together till the end of their days . I can't win !!!!!!

Man ! It just gets crazier and crazier.
 
Al I had the same problem with Daddy! It sounds like she is nagging him behind your back every time he makes a decision to move. My poor Daddy was so sick, and she wouldn't give him her blessing to even come home with me. The only way I was able to get him help was to call an ambulance, and leave with him. You have him going now so just keep going and ignore the calls to hold up. It's probably her....not him...
I feel so bad for you...we are going thru the same stuff all over again with Red's Momma.
 
Well I have started interviewing realtors . My home in Calif. is now for sale . If anybody wants to move to this God for saken state ,I got a great place for you . 3000 plus sq.feet all cedar home . 3 bed/ 3 bath, Game room ,sauna, granite tops . custom made floors, 24K gold bath fixtures , your own lake with 10 pound Bass . 28x32 metal shop with heat and a complete wood shop , upper and lower covered decks , gazebo on the lake ,paddle boats ,dog kennel, completely fenced .Home is designed for serious entertaining or the perfect mountain hideaway .Owner Finacing avalible OAC . 60 miles northeast of Saccramento .Serious inquires only . Send me a PM for further information .
 

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Well .... Dad backed out on his word again ... I'm not surprized . Until the doctor Writes the ORDERS , instead of just telling Dad that he needs to be in assisted living this whole thing is a waste of time . I hope to leave next week for my home in Idaho . Dad is on his own .........

I guess i'll pick up the pieces when he breaks his hip and ends up dying from the complications . He seems to feel he knows more about this than his whole family or doctor does and his "ding a ling wife" is not helping the situation any .
Sure wish the doctor would be a little more of a doctor and stop trying to pretend to play the "Best Friend" part .
 
Sounds like the Doc. doesn't understand something--does he think Dad is living with you, or that you will just 'keep on keeping on'? Does the wife see the same Doc, or maybe he doesn't understand the way she is messing with Dad's mind? Something sure doesn't sound right.
 
urednecku said:
Sounds like the Doc. doesn't understand something--does he think Dad is living with you, or that you will just 'keep on keeping on'? Does the wife see the same Doc, or maybe he doesn't understand the way she is messing with Dad's mind? Something sure doesn't sound right.
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They each have their own doctor . Dad's doctor is a super nice guy . He needs to be more of a doctor .
He knows dad lives alone .
He knows dad has ran off his nurses .
He tells me dad should be in Assisted living and has told dad this , but he does not want to write written orders . Every time he tells Dad he needs to be in Assisted living ,the doctor will not look at dad , he stares at the floor . Dad just lets it go in one ear and out the other .
I have had one on one conversations about dads health with the doctor many times . He is the one that started this push for assisted living in the first place .I just don't see it changin until something really bad happens and then it will be to late .Dad has fallen hard about 7 times this year . The odds are aginst him ....
 
Super nice guy is one thing, good Dr. is another. Ask him what about when Dad falls at home, alone for who knows how long, and dear old Doc knew he should have been in assisted living how long ago, but refused to write the orders?? How will Doc feel then?
Sounds like another lawyers field day in the making. I'm not suggesting to get sue happy, just trying to wake Doc up to do what is right.
 
Al, one last thing you should consider is make sure your father has a life line for emergency help if and when needed. Maybe the doctor can help on this precaution. The life line works through his phone and he can wear the link as a bracelet or around his neck to notify authorities when he needs help. All that you can do is just hope he has it on when or if he falls and can not get back up. He will have to actually acknowledge it is working daily or they will call him to make sure he is okay. It helps ease your mind a bit but it needs to worn by him to be actually useful. Wishing you the best.......
 
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Al, Does California have the "Baker Act" law?
[/FONT]​
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] f there is reason to believe that he or she is mentally ill and because of his or her mental illness: [/FONT]​

(a) 1[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]. The person has refused voluntary examination after conscientious explanation and (a) disclosure of the purpose of the examination; or [/FONT]​
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] (a) 2. The person is unable to determine for himself or herself whether the examination is (a) necessary; and [/FONT]​
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] (b) 1. Without care or treatment, the person is likely to suffer from neglect or refuse to care for himself or herself; such neglect or refusal poses a real and present threat of substantial harm to his or her well-being; and it is not apparent that such harm may be avoided through the help of willing family members or friends or the provision of other services; or [/FONT]​
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] (a) 2. There is a substantial likelihood that without care or treatment the person will cause serious bodily harm to himself or herself or others in the near future, as evidenced by recent behavior.[/FONT]​
 
mtntopper said:
Al, one last thing you should consider is make sure your father has a life line for emergency help if and when needed. Maybe the doctor can help on this precaution. The life line works through his phone and he can wear the link as a bracelet or around his neck to notify authorities when he needs help. All that you can do is just hope he has it on when or if he falls and can not get back up. He will have to actually acknowledge it is working daily or they will call him to make sure he is okay. It helps ease your mind a bit but it needs to worn by him to be actually useful. Wishing you the best.......
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Yea Bill ,
We have discussed this option of "Lifeline" with Dad . Dads wife is with him 24/7 and the phone has speed dail to the local fire dept . She knows how to use it and has 7 times in the past now ...... Its out of my hands now .
I met with dad and this morning I interviewed another nurse .

I had not made any promises to Dad ,other than I would interview her . She is a nice lady but told me, my Father should be in a care facility . She has 35 years in health care .

Long story short ,Dad now flatly refuses to consider Assisted Living even for a short trail period .

He called my bluff that I will not go . Big Mistake ... I never bluff .

I told him good bye :sad:. I then went and picked up my rental deposit check at the Assisted Living home .

Sunday Morning I will be returning to Idaho .

So you folks take care and i'll check in as time allows .Nothing else I can say .
Thanks for all the advice and help .

God Bless
 
Al, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

I think you have dodged what happened to Tim Russert. Putting his Dad in assisted living over his Dad's unreasonable objection (and after years of managing him) was the final stress that I'm sure was what caused his massive heart attack.

You've probably heard this before - "the caregiver always goes first". Once someone needs every moment of their life managed, it takes tag teams, several people, to keep up with the continual chaos. No parent in their right mind would wish that upon their offspring.

We wish you the best wherever your path takes you. Please keep us updated from time to time.
 
Al, thanks to this thread you started Redneck and I have sat down and had a serious talk about what it is doing to us and our kids trying to keep the promise with his Momma. Little by little we are able to see things for what they are and back of at times. Your a good son, and you have had to make a decision as a husband and father. So take a deep breath and know that you are doing the right thing for your family if you still cant's feel right about it for yourself..
 
Thought I would give a little update .

Dad has been in and out of the hospital many times since we had the big blow up . I have not said a word . He was at Emergency last week and was then returned a week ago tonight because his legs have completely quit . He still thinks he can drive even though he must pick up his legs to place them on the gas and brake pedal . I refuse to ride with him unless I drive . I still can't believe the state gave him back his license .
Today the hospital called to tell me Dad will be transfered to a nursing home . Unless he can build up his legs over the next 30 days he will be there indefinately .
I am relieved to know that finally he will have some 24 hour supervision .

His wife is another story , Her lousy piece of crap kids refuse to be bothered by her needs now that they have full control of her trust . So,I'll make the phone call to her kids and let them know that their mother cannot be left by herself . I have no legal control to take care of her .NO DMPA ,POA ,nothing . So in about 2 days when they refuse to help I am calling the Adult Protective Services and turn them in for Elder abuse . I want to look them in the face as they are put in hand cuffs and hauled to jail .
I told my Dad this and he seemed to be relieved . Now I wonder if this was the whole problem all along and why he fought me so hard .
 
That's a relief for you....sending my MIL to a nursing home under the pretense she was going for physical therapy made it easier. Why can't his wife go with him and be in the same room?
 
pirate_girl said:
Who authorized that?
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I guess the hospital and doctor decided . Its 30 therapy days to start . They(hospital) asked me if I had DMPA and I said I did and that I agreed with the idea . He is free to go anywhere after that if we choose to , or do something else .
Since dads wife has Alzheimers she can not be with dad in the same room . Maybe in another part of the complex , but that decision can only come from her and her kids ,so my hands are tied
 
big al you said you were trying to please a bunch of people. quit. just do what you feel in your own heart is right even if it makes someone mad. you will come out of top. we will pray for you and your family.
 
BigAl said:
I guess the hospital and doctor decided . Its 30 therapy days to start . They(hospital) asked me if I had DMPA and I said I did and that I agreed with the idea . He is free to go anywhere after that if we choose to , or do something else .
Since dads wife has Alzheimers she can not be with dad in the same room . Maybe in another part of the complex , but that decision can only come from her and her kids ,so my hands are tied
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That's what I thought.

I feel your pain Al.
The only person in my family who'd ever suffered from Alzheimer's was my Grams. She was pleasantly confused every step of the way, and didn't have a mean bone in her body from diagnosis to death.

However, I am dealing with a couple of patients where I work who are there because of surgical procedure/rehab or take George (the "piece of work" and ward entertainer) :shock:
George was living with his brother and wife when he first began showing signs of dementia.
A TIA, pneumonia and a few other things landed him in our facility.
I have dealt with many people who have some form of dementia but this guy is a whole new thing:dizzy:
He's stubborn. He's been dumped with us until his therapy is over, then will be moving to the nursing home.
Take a few nights ago; he was up and down out of bed, up and down stumbling around out of his wheel chair.
The census is down, so of course I only have 2 aides working with me and the other nurse, and we spend the majority of our time chasing George and making sure he doesn't fall.
Well.. he did! Fell right on his butt out in the living room area.
So it was phone calls and an incident report for me.
Thank God the doctor agreed to up his Ativan (not that it's making MUCH difference), but at least he gives us the occasional break.

He clocked me in the jaw the other night when I was trying to help the girls get him in the shower.
If I had a dime for every time he says "God DAMMIT"- I'd be rich.

I know how you feel, and I hope your Pops ends up being in a place where he feels safe, comfortable and settled.
 
I know all of you have been so kind and thoughtful through all this ,but I need one more favor to ask .
Dad seems to be going downhill pretty fast the last 12 hours . All stength is now gone .He is on IV's and oxygen . His breathing is in gasp .
Since I told him yesterday ,I would make damn sure his wife was taken care of , he seems to have given up .
Only a miracle can save him now and that is not what I am asking for .
I know whats coming .
I'm just asking that maybe a few folks can add him in your prayers tonight ,that when the time comes , the Good Lord can lead him home by his hand . I don't want him to have to make the last few steps by himself .
 
BigAl said:
when the time comes , the Good Lord can lead him home by his hand . I don't want him to have to make the last few steps by himself .
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Of course he will Al....A shepherd always comes back for their sheep.
My Dad was a very angry man most all his life, and I know he was taken by the hand in the end.
 
Alzheimer's. Yuck. The person you know, love and have bonded with your entire life is slowly stripped away by the brain scarring of this awful disease. And to top it all off, you're SUPPOSED to lie to them to make it easier on them. "No, Mom, you can't drive to the store because your car is in the shop ..." Or, "Well, Mom, you're just gonna stay here a few days while they paint your living room."

For all who have endured or succumbed to this awful disease, I feel for you deeply.
 
Al, I know there is no easy way to deal with something like this but just remember to be strong and that we'll all be thinking of you in our prayers. Sounds like the only thing left for you to do is to be there for him and show him love and support and help to ease his suffering. That's all you can do at this point.
 
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