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Dementia and Alzheimers

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OK Al, you can hate Dubya, you've got enough on your plate and don't need to argue with me about poly ticks. On a serious note, just do what you know is right and don't worry about what others think. You won't be any good to anybody without your sanity.
 
RedRocker said:
OK Al, you can hate Dubya, you've got enough on your plate and don't need to argue with me about poly ticks. On a serious note, just do what you know is right and don't worry about what others think. You won't be any good to anybody without your sanity.
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Thanks Rocker ..... Hell, arguing with you and the other guys helps keeps my pee brain mind busy .
Just always know that I respect your opinion , we may not always agree but you have my respect .

On another note , Still trying to get nursing for Pop and his wife . Maybe tomorrow .
 
Yes sir, these little debates keep me on my toes for sure. Good luck with your Dad, you guys will be in my prayers.
 
Well Crap ! If it ain't one thing,it's another . I finally got a full time housekeeper all lined up for Dad . Yippee:smile:

Then I "Think" I have the new nurse all lined up .She seems nice and really excited about working with Dad . I run a background check on her and it comes back bad .Very Bad .
I'd be better hiring someone out of prison :doh::huh:.

So now i'm back to "square one" on the nurses again .
Monday I'll start checking resumes again .:shock:
 
urednecku said:
Don't know of much more to say except just keep on keeping on. And keep us informed. We're still here for ya.
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I "think" I am getting closer to finding a nurse . :wink:

Monday we were with the primary MD and he again told Dad it was time to move from his residence into a 24/7 assisted care facility . That went over like a fart in Church ......

His memory seems to be failing more each month .His patience level is pretty much non existing . He gets irriated very quickly . I see more changes ,along the same lines ,in his wife also . I think its just a matter of time before I gotta go out there and break up a fist fight !!!! Tempers are short !!!
I removed all the firearms some time ago . I'm serious on the last sentence .

Yesterday we went to the Kidney Specialist Doctor and Pop is about at 15% use of his kidneys . He told the doctor everything he wanted to hear , not what was true ,but what he wanted the doctor to believe . I just sat there and kept my mouth shut :whistling:. I have a big mouth too !!
Anyway I finally got to bring the doctor up to speed in private and he let me know they were already aware that Dad likes to glass over stuff .

"Proper Nursing" has been more difficult to locate for us because of Dad's deteriorating condition and his house cannot be furnished and equipped to the level of care he needs . Anybody got a small hospital for sale .... cheap !

I believe that I may have it resolved tomorrow . I have been looking for a Retired Pro Football 275 pound "defensive center linebacker" who can also dish it out as well as he recieves it and knows or has a little medical background to boot . The medical part is optional . I told him to bring his old playing uniform including the pads .

I got a new Handiman on line this week and the hardest thing for me to do today was to tell Dad to call the new handiman when he called earlier about wanting me out there ASAP to fix a sprinkler . I could tell by Dad's voice that he was not happy with my answer . Low and behold !!! He likes the guy and is happier than hell with him !!! I almost fainted .

I'm trying to get headed back to Idaho this next week . My brother and Sister should be able to hold down the fort if I can line up the nurses .
 
Wow! I hope and pray it all goes like you planned it Al .....I think you should ask the handyman if he wants to switch careers! Or keep it and live there...
 
Well . The new nurse I just hired called and quit ....:censored:. I took her out to dads and we went over her duties on Saturday . She called last night .She decided he is too much to handle and should be in a care falicity .

This may be taken out of my hands very soon :censored:. I was talking to a good friend who is invovled with Family Protection Services here in the county .

She told me that if Protection Services gets a call to look into my Dad being home without nursing they will go to the courts and have him declared a danger to himself ....:blink::blink::blink: and moved to a supervised care facility . Thats going to go over like a fart in church !!!!

I been telling the doctor this for 2 years now !!!!! Hell ,the whole family has been saying this !!!!

I'm out there damn near every day trying to get Dad to reason with me !I even asked him on Sunday if he was trying to kill himself by his own actions ........
 
BigAl said:
Well . The new nurse I just hired called and quit ....She decided he is too much to handle and should be in a care facility .

This may be taken out of my hands very soon :censored:. I was talking to a good friend who is involved with Family Protection Services here in the county .

She told me that if Protection Services gets a call to look into my Dad being home without nursing they will go to the courts and have him declared a danger to himself ....:blink::blink::blink: and moved to a supervised care facility.

I been telling the doctor this for 2 years now !!!!! Hell ,the whole family has been saying this !!!!

I'm out there damn near every day trying to get Dad to reason with me!
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Al, hang in there! BTDT! At this point these County services are your ally, don't hide from them. They see this scenario all the time and they can talk stern to him and maybe make it stick, while you will forever be 'Little Al', continually expected to defer to Dad's increasingly poor judgment. The county elder unit people are overworked and don't really want to go to court, what they want is to force the Best Thing then get on to the next case. Let them do the dirty work!

In my case a call from Family Services finally persuaded Mom that the idiots she had hired over my protest, were not satisfactory.

She used to do these same elder care reviews herself after she retired as a professor of social work (her specialty was arranging professional-grade County adoption services, as caseworker then later teaching the subject as State College professor) but it took Family Services, not me, to convince her that her own elder care planning skills were no longer getting the job done.

When the caregivers she had hired moved out, they filled the 90 gallon recycle bin with empty beer bottles they had hidden everywhere and we still had mountains of empty bottles roll out of the closet when we went to see what they left. One of them got pregnant during that period. We hope it was during the weekend she went up to Seattle! And the grocery costs dropped by half when the other lady was no longer responsible for shopping.

The face to face service those two provided was satisfactory, they really cared about her, that's why Mom didn't want to replace them with strangers. But when we finally got someone in there who was competent as well as caring, I could finally sit back and let the new lady run the show. (She also cost 50% more than the two clowns combined. Mom had been under the pretense that she just needed a couple of college girls to cook for her, when her real needs had become much more serious).

My point is that it took Family Services talking to Mom, in her own Social Worker language, before she acknowledged her planning wasn't sufficient. You should try this too.

Let Family Services be the bad guy and tell Dad there's no appeal process from whatever they dictate. It Must Be Done!
 
California said:
Al, hang in there! BTDT! At this point these County services are your ally, don't hide from them. They see this scenario all the time and they can talk stern to him and maybe make it stick, while you will forever be 'Little Al', continually expected to defer to Dad's increasingly poor judgment. The county elder unit people are overworked and don't really want to go to court, what they want is to force the Best Thing then get on to the next case. Let them do the dirty work!

In my case a call from Family Services finally persuaded Mom that the idiots she had hired over my protest, were not satisfactory.

She used to do these same elder care reviews herself after she retired as a professor of social work (her specialty was arranging professional-grade County adoption services, as caseworker then later teaching the subject as State College professor) but it took Family Services, not me, to convince her that her own elder care planning skills were no longer getting the job done.

When the caregivers she had hired moved out, they filled the 90 gallon recycle bin with empty beer bottles they had hidden everywhere and we still had mountains of empty bottles roll out of the closet when we went to see what they left. One of them got pregnant during that period. We hope it was during the weekend she went up to Seattle! And the grocery costs dropped by half when the other lady was no longer responsible for shopping.

The face to face service those two provided was satisfactory, they really cared about her, that's why Mom didn't want to replace them with strangers. But when we finally got someone in there who was competent as well as caring, I could finally sit back and let the new lady run the show. (She also cost 50% more than the two clowns combined. Mom had been under the pretense that she just needed a couple of college girls to cook for her, when her real needs had become much more serious).

My point is that it took Family Services talking to Mom, in her own Social Worker language, before she acknowledged her planning wasn't sufficient. You should try this too.

Let Family Services be the bad guy and tell Dad there's no appeal process from whatever they dictate. It Must Be Done!
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Yep , It might very well end up there . I'm calling a meeting with my Brother and Sister tomorrow to reevaluate our options . Dads just continues to run off or belittle the nurses until they up and quit . It cannot continue and he is endangering his own safety and welfare .

I will be comming to a decision on this very soon .

It feels a little strange and unconfortable talking so openly about this , but I just hope that this thread may help others who may be here some day themselves .

I know in my own case ,It has caused me to sit down with my children and discuss my future life and the role they may play in it .
 
BigAl said:
It feels a little strange and unconfortable talking so openly about this , but I just hope that this thread may help others who may be here some day themselves .

I know in my own case ,It has caused me to sit down with my children and discuss my future life and the role they may play in it .
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I appreciate the level of trust - and the insight it's giving me for dealing with my own dad - seems like he's built in a similar mold as yours, just a little younger (72).

good luck.
 
BigAl said:
It feels a little strange and unconfortable talking so openly about this , but I just hope that this thread may help others who may be here some day themselves.
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The whole Boomer, Postwar, generation are running into this with their parents now, and this is nothing compared to when the Boomers in a few years become a burden to the smaller following generation.

Everyone should learn all they can before they get that call:

"Your Mom collapsed in Safeway. They carried her to the ER. Does she have insurance?" (First of many incidents was late 1980's. And continuing right through 6/2008. For the moment she's back home.)

I just got a bill from Kaiser showing their charges in Mom's 97th year, when she was carried to the ER several times. "$54,108.00. Paid by your Kaiser Plan: $54,058. Due immediately: $50". (ER co-pay for an early June trip. There were several more trips after that.)

People, if your folks don't have medical insurance you need to figure something out. Years of ongoing costs like that will bankrupt everybody involved.

I was lucky, Mom as a retired professor has a good pension and excellent health benefits that carried her up to her 95th birthday financially self sufficient. I know this is rare.

But then panic. It took me a year to discover she could sign for a Home Equity Line of Credit. That's what is paying for the more competent caregivers we have over there now.

Again listen up everybody! Many of you will inherit financial responsibility for elders. Nobody told me how to get the equity out of that house. A reverse mortgage was unavailable because Dad had willed his half-interest to heirs under 60, one of the many gotchas I discovered. Everybody said no until I found the right banker, and it took a year asking everywhere to find him.

I think these discussions here are helpful to anyone who will be on either side of the elder / responsible child issue eventually.

I know in my own case ,It has caused me to sit down with my children and discuss my future life and the role they may play in it .
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I was lucky, my Dad (parents divorced) late in life plunged into investing and planning. In his last 15 years when he often asked me to review his judgment on investments, I was impressed that he had gotten it right. And he had the good sense to not change anything as he declined. That could have been a lot worse.
 
Dad went back in the hospital again last night/this morning .His strenght is gone . He could not get out of a chair if the house was on fire . His wife is worn out as is the family . Trying to get the doctor today to agree with the family to send him to a extended care facility for his own safety . We Found he had the heat in the house turned on . It was 88 degrees at 2:30 this morning in the house .It was 100 degrees here yesterday . They had "jerry rigged" up a water fan to cool them down . It was like a gaint sauna in that place . The house has a new friggin central AC central !!!!!!! Found out Dad has been sleeping in the chair by his bathroom at night . And he keeps telling me he does not need a nurse??????!!!!!!
I'm done ... it hits the fan today !!!!
Either Dad goes to extended care today or I do .
 
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I hate it for you Al.....You will have to bite the bullet and "just do it" Try to remember that if your Dad were in his right mind there's no way he would behave like he is with out going to a doctor for help. He sounds like a man that has given up.
 
Al, that's the end of the line. Clear evidence of endangering himself and another.

Unfortunately, what he wants is no longer relevant to the decisions made for him.

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.
 
well , Its done ... Dad agree to care management ....I was prepared to walk out for good and he knew it . He finally admitted he was a danger to himself . Were going to try for assitted Living so his wife can be with him . That may not be and option as he may be beyond there capibilities .Headed out now to meet with them .

Today I won ,but today I also lost.....I could not feel lower about myself .
 
Al, lighten up. The burden of responsibility has passed to you, that's all. He's the same guy who wouldn't let you have your own firearms before age (whatever) and the reasoning here is identical. It just looks different from the other side of the table.

He still knows you care about him.
 
Keep your chin up Al.

You did what you had to do for his health and safety as well as your sanity. In time, you'll see how much support he will be getting compared to what he is getting right now and you'll have a peice of mind knowing he is being cared for even when you're not there. Remember, you can only do so much.....
 
Redneck and I went thru the same thing Al. It's a helpless feeling that's indescribably heart breaking. You love your Dad and it shows...your a good son Al.
"all you can do is keep him and love him"
 
Al, in this day of age when so many children couldn't give a rat's patootie about Mom and Dad until it's time to open the will, you stand out as a son who will, and has, gone to great lengths to see that your dad is in a place where he is safe and cared for. It's perfectly natural to feel lower than a well digger's boots at a time like this. Once the dust settles, you'll feel better.....not great, but better about all this. You did what you could. Gone above and beyond. Racked your nerves half to death. Now, it's time for you to get a break!
Any dad would be proud to have you for a son. Good Job!
 
BigAl said:
<snip>
Today I won ,but today I also lost.....I could not feel lower about myself .
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You should feel the opposite. You have done what you can and you have done what is right. I have not checked into this thread for days because it reminds me too much of my Grandma and what my Grandpa has been/is going through. Hang in there. We are all thinking about you!
 
Thanks for the nice words and kindness . Its just something that I need to work through .


Spent the afternoon looking at different Assisted Care homes again .

Wow ! They all vary not only in price but also services offered .

Looks like I have found a nice oversized 1 bedroom /1 bath that may fit Dad's requirements . I visited the facilities 3 times today unannouced at different times . I was highly impressed with the quaility of service and the attitude of not only the care givers but also the patients . Even the 2 little resident dogs seemed happy and were busy greeting anyone that would take a minute to pet them . Prices vary considerbly from facility to facility . Expect to pay $6000 or so a month for a husband/wife care at a assisted living facility . Nursing homes start at about $6000 a person per month here in our area .

It is only going to be more costly in the future . Health care never goes down in cost .

As CaliF. has said , do your planning now and don't wait to suddenly be completely surprised or overwhelmed by the high cost of senior care . There are many things a older person or their family can do now to help offset these cost . Putting your head in the sand and paying no attention is not a game plan or option . It can easily wipe out the entire finances of a family if you are not prepared . Spend a few minutes to sit down and talk with a professional senior care specialist about finances and options you can put in place now before its too late .Most care facilities have one .
In our case ,my father is a lucky man that he does have some assets to fall back on .
 
Al, Trakternut about summed it up. You have done much more than most could or would have done. I have one sister in particular that just "can't stand to see Mama like that." Every time she goes home or out, she drives within 1/3rd mile of Mom, but has only been to the facility maybe 3 times in the last 2 years. Cory or myself see Mama like that nearly every day, and it is hard seeing Mom that way. Friend, I know first hand how hard it is to take this advice, but: once you get things strait, RELAX, and find a way to drain the stress of your parents problems from YOURSELF. That does not mean you have forgotten them, just that you acknowledge that you must care for your own health. Believe me, your parents would not have it any other way, in their right mind.
I have to constantly "talk" to my late Dad & ask if I am doing the right thing, with a lot of decisions. Believe it or not, I can hear him telling me to "take care of your family, do what YOU need to do". Ask your self what your Dad would have said to do, if he had known 10 or so years ago what the situation would be.
Best of luck.
 
My Dad died 1 year ago after about 2 years of hell for mom and us 4 kids [40 to 52yrs old]. 9 months befor he died we found he had cancer that out run all the treatments. It was a hard and ugly death to watch and help with his care. we kept him at home. He hated the thought of a care center 'didn't want us to loose the farm and home. There was a lot of hard things to do and tack care of. Al you did one of the best thing for you and all. It will be hard to take for a while but it will get better Goodluck and god bless Jeff
 
BigAl said:
Thanks for the nice words and kindness . Its just something that I need to work through .


Spent the afternoon looking at different Assisted Care homes again .

Wow ! They all vary not only in price but also services offered .

Looks like I have found a nice oversized 1 bedroom /1 bath that may fit Dad's requirements . I visited the facilities 3 times today unannouced at different times . I was highly impressed with the quaility of service and the attitude of not only the care givers but also the patients . Even the 2 little resident dogs seemed happy and were busy greeting anyone that would take a minute to pet them . Prices vary considerbly from facility to facility . Expect to pay $6000 or so a month for a husband/wife care at a assisted living facility . Nursing homes start at about $6000 a person per month here in our area .

It is only going to be more costly in the future . Health care never goes down in cost .

As CaliF. has said , do your planning now and don't wait to suddenly be completely surprised or overwhelmed by the high cost of senior care . There are many things a older person or their family can do now to help offset these cost . Putting your head in the sand and paying no attention is not a game plan or option . It can easily wipe out the entire finances of a family if you are not prepared . Spend a few minutes to sit down and talk with a professional senior care specialist about finances and options you can put in place now before its too late .Most care facilities have one .
In our case ,my father is a lucky man that he does have some assets to fall back on .
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Well thank God for that!
It's wonderful to hear that he finally agreed to this Al.
You did what you had to do and believe it or not, once he adjusts to the environment and the staff- he'll be just fine.
Hugs darling.
You did good! :thumb::smile:
 
tracknut said:
My Dad died 1 year ago after about 2 years of hell for mom and us 4 kids [40 to 52yrs old]. 9 months befor he died we found he had cancer that out run all the treatments. It was a hard and ugly death to watch and help with his care. we kept him at home. He hated the thought of a care center 'didn't want us to loose the farm and home. There was a lot of hard things to do and tack care of. Al you did one of the best thing for you and all. It will be hard to take for a while but it will get better Goodluck and god bless Jeff
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We had about six weeks notice from the cancer diagnosis.
It is hell on earth to go thru for everyone involved. It's been 8 months for me and that "shell shock" feeling has gotten better. If Daddy had been an animal the humane thing to do would be put him to sleep. So WHY did we have to let him suffer so long and hard?
 
Dad call me a little bit ago . He wants to back out on assisted living .Again...


I'm done .... I just gave up . The man I thought I knew does not exist anymore . He is a complete stranger . I always thought of myself as a tuff SOB who would always get the job done , no matter what . I sent a letter today to my brother and sister turning over all the family affairs and assets to them . I have resigned from the family as of today and it is now official . I can't stand by and watch my Dad kill himself slowly and then keep expecting me to pick up the pieces . I'll have my memories from this day forward .Hes taking me down with him and I have a loving wife and children that need me too .
I figure I can't help Dad anymore , but I can do some good helping others who want to help themselves with the life I have left .

I'll close up and sale Calfornia and I am never looking back . Idaho will be next and then we will head to Panama to work with the school kids and people who really need it . Thats been my callin for quite some time now and all the money in the world can't keep me here any longer .
 
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