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Little Johnny

NASA TO SEND 3 ASTRONAUTS TO SPACE, 2 YEAR MISSION.

NASA allows each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each.
The first astronaut decides to take his wife,
the second decides to take books and learn how to speak German,
and the third astronaut decides to take 200 lbs. of cigarettes.

Two years later the space shuttle lands and
there is a large crowd waiting to welcome them home.
The first to step forward is the astronaut and his wife,
each have a baby in their arms.

Next, out steps the second astronaut speaking fluent German.
They gave their speeches / thank yours and get a rousing applause.

Then finally Lil Johnny steps out, the third astronaut has a cigarette in his mouth.
Well, Lil Johnny walks up to the Mic on the podium and
asks the crowd, "Has anyone got a light?"
 
The LEO is patrolling a local parking spot overlook of a River Valley.
He drives by a car and sees a couple inside with the dome light on.
So; The LEO turns on his lights and pulls up to their car.
There is a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and
a young lady in the back seat knitting.
He walks up to the driver's window and says, "Your Drivers License please.
The young man quickly hands the LEO the Drivers License.
"Lil Johnny, What are you doing?" the policeman asks.
"I'm reading a magazine Officer."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asks,
"And what is she doing?"
Lil Johnny looks over to the back seat and replies,
She's knitting a Blanket."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asks Lil Johnny.
Lil Johnny says, "I'm nineteen,"
"And how old is she?" asks the officer.
Well; Lil Johnny thinks quick, looks at his watch and says,
" in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
 
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Little Johnny meets Nancy Pelosi
Nancy Pelosi was visiting a primary school in Tampa and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mrs. Pelosi if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Democrat asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Pelosi , "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Pelosi .

"That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Pelosi searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.

In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Pelosi , "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss ... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"
 
When Johnny's tommy rumbles, he goes to the head. He feels ronny and lets it all out. In the street, outside his office building, he hears people saying, "ain't dommy food fonny. It catches you off guard and ends up costing money."
 
Uh oh! A little Johnny thread, eh? Y'all's in trouble now, folks!

Little Johnny asked him mom how he was born.

She said, "Well, your father and I had this tiny little seed that we planted in the garden where it got plenty of light. We fertilized it, watered it and nurtured it. After a while, it grew into a big beautiful bush. Near the end of the growing season, it sprouted some big, lovely buds.

One day we plucked one, brought it into the house, dried it, rolled it up and smoked some, and we got so high we forgot to use a condom!"
 
Speaking of Little Johnny jokes, here's a true story that 2 out of 3 people found hilarious!

We have a husband and wife team of gardeners that comes out every Thursday around 11 AM. Every time he comes I tell him a little Johnny joke and we bull shit around for a bit.

One day he sent me a text telling me how much he appreciated me and that I was his favorite client. He told me how most of his customers do nothing but complain and expect him to do more work than what was originally agreed on without paying him more money.

The next time they came out I stormed out of the front door screaming, "Hey you! Yeah you! Get your sorry low-down good for nothing wet back ass over here!

You don't do anything that I ask of you and you always want more money. You don't do this, and you don't do that, and when you do, you fuck everything up!

You should be paying me for the honor of stepping on my property!"

Then we did the chest bump and busted out laughing. Then we heard his wife say, "Oh my God!" She was white as a ghost and turned around to get back in the truck. He had a hard time explaining the context of the interaction.

She was pretty skeptical, so I went over there and gave her a big hug. It took her at least six weeks before she finally warmed up to me again.
 
LITTLE JOHNNY
The teacher asked little Johnny, “What’s two and two?”.
He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said, “Four, teacher?”.
She said, ” Yes, that’s right, but you counted on your fingers. Put your hands behind your back and tell me what’s three and three”.
He put his hands behind his back, fumbled around, and answered, “Six, teacher?”.
She said, “Yes, that’s right, but you’re still counting on your fingers. Put your hands in your pockets and tell me what’s five and five”.
He put his hands in his pockets, fumbled around, and replied, “Eleven, teacher?”.
 
Not Little Johnny… Little Susie

Third grade teacher was teaching her class one day and said the following:
"Only human beings are capable of stuttering..."
Little Susie raised her hand and the teacher gave her a chance to speak...
"I heard a cat stutter once."
"No way ..."
"yes ma'am. The neighbors Rottweiler got loose and the cat said 'ssss'...'ssss'...'sssssss' and the Rottweiler ate the cat before it could say 'shit'."
 
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