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Humor, sarcasm, irony, and other fun stuff
- Thread starter 1boringguy
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FrancSevin
Proudly Deplorable
"Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography."
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible."
"Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." ~ George Burns
"Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man."
"Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken."
……when people say, “it’s better than sex”, they clearly aren’t doing it right.
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible."
"Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." ~ George Burns
"Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man."
"Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken."
……when people say, “it’s better than sex”, they clearly aren’t doing it right.
FrancSevin
Proudly Deplorable
Bull sh!t
I tried that one Christmas very early in our marriage. From the vacuum cleaner, to the Ironing board, to the Hair dryer All our appliances were hand me downs from family and friends. I thought it a great idea to buy all new appliances. And saw a side of Crumpy I did not expect.
Fortunately, at that time in our very young marriage, there were no guns in the house.
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FrancSevin
Proudly Deplorable
FrancSevin
Proudly Deplorable
Poor baby. That's nothing!
I remember truly tough times. Back in the day, how tough it was to plow through 10-12 feet of moss green shag carpet to change the channel.
FrancSevin
Proudly Deplorable
A retired man in Florida calls up his son in Texas and says,
"Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced.
Thirty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stay together any longer,” he says.
We argue about everything and it never ends !!
She's lazy and wont ever do anything around this house !!
I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in California and tell her I am done with this marriage !!, and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried and he calls up his sister and tells her about this phone call.
She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced!
Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper,
DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.
The old man turns to his wife and says: "Okay that worked, they’re both coming here for Christmas and paying their own airfares." LOL
"Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced.
Thirty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stay together any longer,” he says.
We argue about everything and it never ends !!
She's lazy and wont ever do anything around this house !!
I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in California and tell her I am done with this marriage !!, and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried and he calls up his sister and tells her about this phone call.
She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced!
Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper,
DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.
The old man turns to his wife and says: "Okay that worked, they’re both coming here for Christmas and paying their own airfares." LOL
FrancSevin
Proudly Deplorable
FrancSevin
Proudly Deplorable
.
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
Answer:
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.!!