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Frustrated

NorthernRedneck

NorthernRedneck

Well-known member
Just needed somewhere to vent my frustrations. Figured this would be the best place. It's no surprise to anyone here that I'm a hurting unit since my accident but I doubt anyone truly understands how freaking frustrating it is for me now. It's like I went to work a 38 yr old one morning and woke up 2 days later 90 years old. It gets very hard to stay positive some days when I only get a few hours of sleep due to bouncing back and forth from the chair in the living room to the bed. I can't stand for long. I can't sit for long. I can't walk for long. Most days I sit at home watching the grass grow. I'd get a hobby but most days it hurts to move and hobbies are supposed to be enjoyable. The other night I took the lovely missus out to a dinner and dance. I basically just sat there and by 11pm I had enough and could barely walk with assistance and using two canes to get out of there.

My family is paying the price for my pain. There are activities in the community that we just skip now because I can't participate. Last night we wanted to take the older boys on a haunted walk but I could barely move. Life just plain sucks now. I used to love taking the kids out hunting in the fall. That's out of the question. I used to love fishing. I can't sit in a boat for more than 45 minutes now without paying for it for days. Hell, the last time my boat was in the water was july. With this stupid crps affecting my legs now every time my back muscles get sore it sends burning cramps down my legs and I can barely put pressure on my feet. Most nights I have tears as I fall asleep because of the pain. I can't lay beside my wife now because every touch hurts. Just frustrated.
 
Until they walk a mile in your shoes people will not understand the pain you are going through.

I know having had severe arthritis my whole life that people just didn't understand the pain I had when I walked a fair distance. I was slow and always left behind and made fun of by both family and friends.

In the bar business I worked 14 hour days, and at the end of the day at home I thought riga mortis had set in after I sat still for a while. I worked for my brother in construction also. He would get mad at me when after 8 or 9 hours I was slowing down and could hardly step up on a ladder. Now that he has arthritis he understands a bit more, but he still thinks I was being a baby.

I didn't have the kind of accident you had, but I understand what you are going through, and know that I will keep you in my prayers.
 
I don't envy anyone living with arthritis. People who are healthy just don't get it. Like when we go to a store and all of the handicapped spots are taken. Most of which are by vehicles without permits. Then we struggle inside only to discover that there are no motorized carts or the ones that are there aren't charged. Then if we find a cart people generally treat us like a parasite in the store and refuse to move out of the way. I've had to go down an aisle and back up the next one only to get an item on a shelf just past someone standing there refusing to move. Yep. Frustrating.

Then as I struggle back to the truck people are giving me dirty looks like I have no business parking in a handicapped spot. Even though I'm walking with either a walker or two canes.

Then there's the joy of attending a community event. I look it up first to see where the handicapped parking is etc. When I get there people have it blocked off and refuse to move. I get told to go park 4 blocks away and walk by the security guard.

Yes. This is what my life has become. Instead of working a full time job I now spend my days in pain just struggling to survive without going insane. If it wasn't for the countless medical appointments and physio 3 times a week I'd never get out. It's pretty much the only thing I have to look forward to these days until the spring when at least I can get back to camp for the weekends.

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My X-wife has fibro-myalgia and she would meditate to distance her brain from her body pain. Sorry to hear your in so much pain. Breathe in and concentrate on the word Peace......Exhale and concentrate on the word Relax....Or you can do it with numbers. 1 2 3 4 breathe in......1 2 3 4 breathe out
 
After years of what some call extreme lower back pain, which I've lived with because I don't like prescription pain relievers, and a fear of spinal surgery, I'm trying reflexology by a friend. Just started last nite having the wife rub some "magic salve and oils"(my name for it) on my lower back and neck. If I feel good results I'll let you know.
Mike
 
zekeusa said:
My X-wife has fibro-myalgia and she would meditate to distance her brain from her body pain. Sorry to hear your in so much pain. Breathe in and concentrate on the word Peace......Exhale and concentrate on the word Relax....Or you can do it with numbers. 1 2 3 4 breathe in......1 2 3 4 breathe out
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That's kinda what I've been learning to do with this pain management program I'm now in. It does help to a degree but doesn't do much for the frustration part trying to do things with the family knowing I can no longer do. Such as....it's halloween. There are places around town doing haunted walks for the kids. It's either my kids miss out because I can't do it or my wife takes them and I sit at home feeling sorry for myself.

Again there's the whole accessibility issue every place I go in this city. I take the scooter most places now just to allow me to do things without being in severe pain. A lot of times If I don't use the scooter just going into a store I have to sit just getting from the parking lot into the place. And I'm done for the day if I overdo it.

I guess the frustrating part is knowing that there is very little I can do about it now. Looking at medical reports online listing the top 10 or 15 most painful conditions, crps which I now have is listed as being even more painful than the most severe arthritis. And I have that as well in my back now.

So I'm a hurting unit. When the arthritis in my back flares up, the muscles compensate. Because they are so damaged from the accident, they tense up tighter than a nun. This affects the nerves going to my legs. I can be doing something and within minutes my legs give out on me. Feel weak to the point of collapsing from under me. Then the burning in my feet starts up. Now, it looks like I have plantar fasciitis in my left foot. So when the cramping starts in my left leg I often sit perfectly still for hours till the pain starts and I have to elevate it. I now spend my evenings in pain trying to get into a comfortable position. Then going to bed at night I often sit on the edge of the bed for 10-15 minutes before laying down because I know as soon as my back hits the mattress the pain will start.
 
Today is particularly frustrating. My wife is out of town. The younger two kids are gone for the weekend. I wanted to do something fun with the older two. Instead I can barely freaking walk. The wife sent me a message asking if I had switched over the laundry. Kinda hard to do that when I can barely make it downstairs. I just did it but getting back up proved to be difficult. It took me ten minutes to make it up 12 steps from the basement. I guess I'm just sitting here today in an uncomfortable cramping pain. The best way to describe it. Absolutely no strength in the legs. Cramps. Burning muscles. Pins and needles in my feet. This is what I have to look forward to for the next 40 years or so.

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Well now. Today something new happened. I decided that I needed to get mobile so went out to move a few things to the back storage shed. As I pushed the lawnmower down the paved driveway to store in the shed my left leg gave out on me completely. Yep. I landed hard on the pavement scraping my hand and knee. Ain't that just a lovely turn of events
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OUCH! I know about knees giving out, last year while standing in the bathroom peeing, my left knee buckled and I started going down, I reached out and grabbed the back of the toilet tank and broke it where it connects to the toilet. What a mess, and it took maintenance a day and a half to put a new toilet in.

My left knee gives out often so I have to wear a knee brace and use either a cane of walker.
 
That sucks. I caught up to you and I'm only 39. Reminds me of the last time I went to the washroom and shook it more than twice. Damned near gave myself whiplash.

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I'm going downhill physically over the past few weeks. Freaking nerve damage is really taking its toll. My whole left side from the top of my head to my toes is often numb tingling and sore. When that happens I have no muscle tone in my left leg making it difficult to walk. And now that snow is here to stay getting around is more difficult.

They want me to participate in a 6 week pain management program. That means dragging myself halfway across the city for 9am every day. Not as easy as it sounds. 15 minute drive across town. Find parking. Unload the scooter. Struggle to get it on the elevator. Make my way through an old run down mall full of the city's low life scum (these people are drunk by 10am every day) just to make it there. So it's an hour process to make it there for 9. Then an hour to get home.

living the dream
 
I know you're very frustrated since the ups and downs from your accident, Brian.
It does sound like a bitch having to go through all that travel time, but in the end may be worth it.
Hugs a bunch.
 
I have good days and bad days. A good day is when I'll make it out of the house and maybe get out with the mobility scooter. I still can't walk more than 100 feet without being in severe pain. Without warning my left foot will turn red and start burning. This has been traveling up my leg and now when it flares up my leg gets red and swollen from above the knee all the way down.

Pretty pathetic that I just got a nice new cell phone a month ago and now am looking to get rid of it for something smaller I can hold with one hand as some days I can barely lift my left arm due to nerve damage from the accident.

I've already learned that fishing boating riding atvs etc are all a struggle for me now. About the only thing I have left is my ability to play guitar. Now that I'm sometimes losing feeling in my left arm and hand I'm scared I might lose that as well. It's downright freaking depressing to go to work a healthy 38yr old one day and wake up a crippled up 90 year old only 2 days later. Getting harder to keep my chin up. And now I'm looking at surgery sometime later this month which means about 4 days in the hospital and 6-8weeks of extremely light duty at home. Followed by my regular light duty routines.

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NorthernRedneck said:
I have good days and bad days. A good day is when I'll make it out of the house and maybe get out with the mobility scooter. I still can't walk more than 100 feet without being in severe pain. Without warning my left foot will turn red and start burning. This has been traveling up my leg and now when it flares up my leg gets red and swollen from above the knee all the way down.

Pretty pathetic that I just got a nice new cell phone a month ago and now am looking to get rid of it for something smaller I can hold with one hand as some days I can barely lift my left arm due to nerve damage from the accident.

I've already learned that fishing boating riding atvs etc are all a struggle for me now. About the only thing I have left is my ability to play guitar. Now that I'm sometimes losing feeling in my left arm and hand I'm scared I might lose that as well. It's downright freaking depressing to go to work a healthy 38yr old one day and wake up a crippled up 90 year old only 2 days later. Getting harder to keep my chin up. And now I'm looking at surgery sometime later this month which means about 4 days in the hospital and 6-8weeks of extremely light duty at home. Followed by my regular light duty routines.

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I'll be keeping in my prayers. Good Luck on the upcoming surgery.
 
MrLiberty said:
I'll be keeping in my prayers. Good Luck on the upcoming surgery.
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Thanks. I know we've all got our issues with various health needs. It is what it is. Normally a simple hernia surgery is a day procedure but with my history of blood clots they want me back on blood thinners a day before the surgery and following I'll be in for at least four days. Initially they were talking ten days in the hospital. I need to stay mobile which is easier said than done when I currently have a hard time walking to the end of the driveway.

At first glance I look fine but i sure don't feel fine. I spent last evening with an ice pack cooling down my foot. Tonight will be the same. Waking up at 4am with burning pain in my back and feet pretty much sucks. It's also hard relinquishing tasks I used to enjoy doing such as blowing snow in the driveway. We've hired someone to do it this year. So I sit in the house in pain watching someone else do my work for me. Sucks. [emoji22]

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Apparently I missed a call yesterday from the surgeon. They have a date for my surgery. Needless to say I'm scared sh-tless. Not of the actual surgery but the aftermath.

If someone is say 100% of their function ability before a surgery and it knocks them down to say 75% ability for a period before they are back to 100%again, that's fine. I could live with that. In my case though it's much more complicated. If I was 100% before the accident and was knocked down to about 20% and it's taken 18 months to get back up to about 35%, what's the surgery going to do to me? Am I going to be knocked back down to about 20%? Will I be even lower? If it's taken me 18 months to get back to about 35% ability compared to before the accident then how long is this going to take?

All questions running through my mind. How much more strength do I have inside? I keep getting knocked back down and it's harder to get back up each time. Not only is this a physical battle but a mental battle as well. It'd be so easy to just give up.

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We all hope and pray that the surgery gives you back some of what you have lost.

Hang in there, life is full of surprises, some good, some not so good. Hope is what you need to deal with this, along with a lot of faith..

Time required to heal is nothing if the results are helpful. Think nothing of that, other than it is just apart of the journey.

Good luck with what ever comes your way. Keep your faith and hope. It is at the core of who you are. Stay strong my friend.

Regards, Kirk
 
Ask ALOT, ALOT of questions. A friend just had prostrate surgery and they didn't tell him what life would be like after the procedure.
 
Thanks. Its gonna be tough but I'll make it. Always have. Got the surgery booked today. End of the month. The 31st.
On another note, when it rains it pours. My brother has had internal issues for a few weeks. Diverticulitis. They can't control it. He may be going under the knife too about the same time as me to have a part of his intestine removed.
It gets better. Just got word that mom had to go in to a clinic to have some abnormal spots examined on her skin. May be cancer.

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NorthernRedneck said:
Apparently I missed a call yesterday from the surgeon. They have a date for my surgery. Needless to say I'm scared sh-tless. Not of the actual surgery but the aftermath.

If someone is say 100% of their function ability before a surgery and it knocks them down to say 75% ability for a period before they are back to 100%again, that's fine. I could live with that. In my case though it's much more complicated. If I was 100% before the accident and was knocked down to about 20% and it's taken 18 months to get back up to about 35%, what's the surgery going to do to me? Am I going to be knocked back down to about 20%? Will I be even lower? If it's taken me 18 months to get back to about 35% ability compared to before the accident then how long is this going to take?

All questions running through my mind. How much more strength do I have inside? I keep getting knocked back down and it's harder to get back up each time. Not only is this a physical battle but a mental battle as well. It'd be so easy to just give up.

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I can't give you any answers as to before/after percentages; maybe PG could help a bit there. However, it has been my personal experience, especially with bone cutters, that after the surgery and requisite therapy, I was always better off (i.e. at a "higher percentage") than before surgery. If a surgeon cannot give me some assurance that his work will result in a better Me there is no point in hiring him! Why let some yay-hoo cut into your precious body if it isn't going to help? (Last-chance, no-other-option, sure-death-otherwise surgeries are obviously in another category.)

 
The surgery should go alright. This surgeon is down to earth and knows his stuff. Very thorough.

I met him just after having the drain inserted last year in the hospital. He was the doctor oncall and agreed to take me on right away. At first he was thinking of doing both a mesh and flap to fix the hernia. Its basically from my ribcage to about 4 inches down right where they initially cut me open.

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Having a rough day all around. Its damned hard to stay motivated to do anything productive when i cant stand for more than a few minutes without nearly collapsing in pain. Days like today i find myself sitting in the living room staring out the window thinking that it took me 39 years to get to this point....is it going to be a case of me spending the next 39 years sitting in pain staring out the window. Only thing keeping me going is my wife and kids.
 
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