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Blonde jokes

mbsieg

mbsieg

awful member
Platinum Patron
Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out.

After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together."

The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly "Together, together, together."
 
Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never see them.

Q: Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being take
 
A blonde was speeding on the highway when a police car pulled her over.

The policeman walks up to the blonde and says "Excuse m'am, could I please see your driving license and registration."

The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
 
Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two, one to hold the light bulb and one to spin the ladder around!
 
One day a blonde and a brunette were walking down to the grocery store when the brunette pointed out to the blonde "oh, hey look at that dead bird.."

The blonde looks around around up in the sky for a few minutes and says "hmm, I don't see any dead ones."
 
A blonde was walking her dogs when a man walking in the opposite direction says "oh my, you have such beautiful dogs.. what are their names?"

The blonde replies "Well, the taller one is Timex and the shorter one is Rolex."

The man responds "Huh.. that's interesting.. why did you name them such names?"

The blonde sighs and shakes her head "Everyone keeps asking me the same thing... duhh, what else can you name your watch dogs??"
 
Q: How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?
A: A:It is the one with the kickstand.
 
A blond gets a new cell phone from her husband.

The next day she goes to Wal-mart and her phone rings, so she answers it.

It was her husband. He says, "How's the new cell phone?"

She replied, "Great...but how did you know I was at Wal-mart?"
 
Two blondes lock thier keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.

Finally the first blonde says "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blond replies, "keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down".
 
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
A: Because she loved children.

Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor ??
A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period.
 
There was a Blonde and her husband.

One morning the husband leaves for work and the blonde gets up. She's determined to prove to her husband that blondes arn't dumb, by painting the kitchen.

When her husband gets home he says to his wife "Honey why do you have 3 coats on?"

The blonde says, "Well the directions on the paint said to use three coats for best results."
 
Blonde inventions
1.Tricycle kickstand
2.Solar flashlight
3.Fire proof matches
4.Inflatable dartboard
5.Glass hammer
6.Black light bulb
7.Boomerang grenade
 
Why did the blonde have square boobs?

Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
 
What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg?

Nothing. They have never met.
 
A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock.

The blonde replied, "What for? Are you going to set it on fire!"
 
A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm.

She passes a person who asks, "Where did you get that?" The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
 
What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?

Maybe someday we'll find Bigfoot.
 
A British Airways employee took a call from a blonde asking the question, "How long is the Concorde flight from London to New York?"

"Um, just a minute, if you please," he murmured.

Then, as he turned to check the exact flight time, he heard an equally polite, "Thank you," as the phone went dead.
 
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
 
Once upon a time there was a blonde with long hair, blue eyes, she was sick of all the blonde jokes.

One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair.

She also went out and bought a new convertible.

She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep.

She stopped and called the sheepherder over.

"That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said.

"Well thank you.", said the herder. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman.

"Okay.", replied the herder.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?", asked the woman. "Sure.", said the sheepherder.

So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382".

"Wow.", said the herder. "That is exactly right.

Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."

So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.

Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".

"What is it?", queried the woman.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair... can I have my dog back?"
 
How do you get a blonde to climb on the roof?
Tell her that the drinks are on the house

What do you call it when a blonde gets taken over by a demon?
A vacant possession.

What did the blonde's dentist find?
Teeth in the cavity

What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
She's trying to hold on to a thought

What is a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A padded dash

Why do blondes use white-out on their computer screens?
They couldn't find their eraser.

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell...she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Why did the blonde cross the road?
She wanted to see the geese because she heard honking!

Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins?
She couldn't figure out who the other mother was.

Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for hours?
Because it said 'concentrate'.

Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
To avoid the draft.

What do blonde virgins eat?
Baby food.

Why did the blonde take two hits of acid?
She wanted to go on a round trip.

Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet?
She thought it was diet coke.
 
Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp.

After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."

The first said, "I wish I were smarter."

So, she became a redhead.

The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is."

She became a brunette.

The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!"

So, she became a man.
 
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
 
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
 
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.

The doctor asked her "What happened?"

She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?"

"The person called back."
 
She was so blonde...

She got stabbed in a shoot-out.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

She told me to meet her at the corner of 'walk' and 'don't walk'.

She tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.

She tried to drown a fish.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.

They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

Under 'education' on her job application, she put 'Hooked On Phonics.'

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

At the bottom of the application where it says 'sign here', she put 'Sagittarius.'

She asked for a price docket at the Dollar Store.

If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.

She studied for a blood test... and failed.

She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

She thought she needed a ticket to get on Soul Train.

She sold the car for gas money.
 
Two blondes are walking down the road, when one says, "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"
 
There was a brunette standing along side a busy road chanting "88, 88, 88, 88..."

A blonde came up to her and said, "That looks like fun, can I try?"

The brunette said, "Sure."

So the blonde chanted, "88, 88, 88, 88.."

"Well," said the brunette, "that is fun. But what is even more fun is if you say it in the middle of the street."

So the blonde said, "OK." and stood in the middle of the street. "88, 88, 88, 88-" BAM! she was run over by a car, completely flattened.

Along the side of the road, the brunette began to chant, "89, 89, 89, 89..."
 
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