# The Story Of Christmas....



## Galvatron

The FF version as told by Galvi......

It was a cold night in PA and 3 not so wise village idiots were cruising in a white chariot of rust looking for a late night store to buy cheap booze....when out of no-where a bright light appeared....the driver named Rusty hit the brakes and Lobo along with Jev threw their weed laced smokes out of the window expecting it to be the police...but in fact it was an Angel sent by Doc.

The Angel told them of a child that would be born....the parents were poor and were on the Evil Healthcare plan devised by the devil himself....and the 3 Village idiots were to travel to witness the Birth as this child would be special....to aid them they were to follow the cheap knock off Sat nav that Rusty had installed in his chariot....damn thing was made in China.

Before they set off they picked up a gift each from the kwiki-mart....Rusty grabbed a 12 pack of Bud light....Jev chose a non-stick frying pan whilst Lobo opted for the AK-47 assault rifle which came with a free air-freshener.

..........To be continued ..................................


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## loboloco

Oh, crap.


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## JEV

I'm excited to see how this all turns out.


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## Galvatron

Meanwhile many many miles away there was a Lady heavy with child....PG be her name.

Her lover who worked away with the Amish did not know of the child,he be Muleman but i will call him Bill,when he arrived home and see the Bump upon her belly he said"shit bitch you are carrying some timber there"to which she told of the child she was carrying....she claimed the child to be of a ghostly Forum Admin to which he told her of his belief in her story,but told all down the pub he was sure it was that sly git Bobcat and if he only knew what he looked like(he hid behind his hat) he would slap him with a wet fish.

PG and Bill decided it would not be right to bring up the child in Alabama....so chose to head north to Canada where they could Mingle in among the French Canadians in which they would appear normal......the Journey would be long and the weather bad so they packed supplies of home made soup and M&M's.

And off they set.........


...............to be continued.............................


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## JEV

Look out Canada, here come the dynamic duo. Have another pint, Galvi. This gets better with your increasing level of intoxication.


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## Galvatron

Meanwhile the passion wagon carrying the 3 chosen Jerks was heading south....Rusty was convinced it was North West as entered into the Crap-Nav but once again he was wrong....they started arguing about being lost but being men refused to pull over to ask directions,what made things worse was the fact Jev bought along CD's of his choice to entertain them.... whole damn box set of Neil Diamond...forever in Blue Jeans was taking it's toll on Lobo as you could well imagine.


[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQLWF_ItzYs"]YouTube        - Neil Diamond - Forever in Blue Jeans (Stereo!)[/ame]


To be continued...............


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## pirate_girl

Oh My!! 
You're giving me an awful poor diet there for being preggers! LOL


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## Galvatron

With the Priusyum: yes i did say Prius)loaded PG and Bill was making slooooooooow progress,Bill waffled on about how they needed to save $$$ with a child on it's way hence the mileage he could get on 1 tank of Gas but with the snow coming in fast that little front wheel drive squint eyed Jap crap just was not up to the task.....the car came to a sudden stop and thats it they were stuck...out in the middle of nowhere all hope seemed to be fading fast.

But like a Miracle a light appeared in the distance...slowly glimmering brighter as it got closer....then came the sound....a roaring turbo charged fuel injected monstrous roar....the light became blinding....the floor was shaking.....could it be the Dark Knight that was rumoured to travel these parts....






















>













>




















>

















Yes...Yes.....YES it was Sir Big Al in his Kristi!!!!! 


To be Continued...........


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## pirate_girl

And we're supposed to be heading to Canada you say?
We'll never make it in that thing..


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## loboloco

pirate_girl said:


> And we're supposed to be heading to Canada you say?
> We'll never make it in that thing..


Could you imagine me in a car with two yankees, one of them driving, and both of them stoned?


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## pirate_girl

loboloco said:


> Could you imagine me in a car with two yankees, one of them driving, and both of them stoned?


Now that you asked... yes!


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## Big Dog

I definitely want some of the shit the storyteller is on ..............


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## pirate_girl

Come back Jeff.. I was teasing..


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## loboloco

pirate_girl said:


> Come back Jeff.. I was teasing..


Had to run to the store.  You know, down here is where they invented the game of 'Yankee Bounce'.  Take a yankee to a mine shaft.  Drop him down and see how many times he bounces on the way down.


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## Galvatron

The passion wagon at this point was at last heading North....they gave up on the Crap-Nav and instead chose to follow a bright light in the distance....this was luck as the light was from a pile of old tires Burning in GroomerGuy's back yard.

Running low on fuel they pulled in to a service station...they had no money left over from the gifts they had purchased so decided to trade with the station owner.....the station owner was soaked in Whiskey and glared at the 3 with his swollen eyes...he said"i am Big Dog and i am the ruler of these parts....give me something to please my troubled mind and i shall fill your tank with black Gold"...the 3 wise Jerks were fearful and had nothing within their pockets to trade....but the Big Dog told them to look deep within their wagon and to find something quick as he was due at the beauticians real soon and he never missed his appointments....his nails were his pride and joy.

Rusty pleaded with Jev and Lobo not to look in the trunk as in there he kept what was dearest to him....but they distracted him with a YoYo and grabbed a large brown bag from the trunk...they run inside and handed it to the Big Dog.....he looked inside and with a smile told them to take all the Gas they could carry,for the bag contained a stash of Playboy and the dirty Dog's troubled mind was now at peace.

The passion wagon continued it's journey...


...........To be continued...............


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## Galvatron

Now travelling safe with Big Al in the luxury of his KT3 PG and Bill was amazed with the refurb Al had done on this beast.....the dash was coated in the finest walnut and the seats impressively covered with hand stitched leather...the KT3 was for sure the Krimbo of all snow mobiles....as the snow drifted and got deeper and denser Al just applied more octane laced Gas for the Beast from the East to get faster and faster......the more the weather slung in their tracks the more Al and his Kristi seemed to perform,Al only slowed briefly every 3 hours to open the window to dispose of the bottles of piss that amounted from drinking fine Rum that he carried to keep the warmth flowing through his hugh kindred spirit.

Before long they were in Kansas where they stopped off at a diner,Sir Big Al ordered a large steak cooked medium rare,fries on the side and coke laced with Rum...Bill had the special fired Chicken with a side hot potatoe smothered in fine grated cheese....PG had what all expeting mothers would have:-

Chicken sandwich

Large steak

Onion rings

Fries

side salad

chips with salsa dip

cheese cake

apple pie

lemon tart

choco surprise

and a large coffee to go.

Yes this was followed with farting and belching which drew the attention fo a stranger sitting in the corner wearing tight cycling shorts and a bright orange vest,he was Jeremy the kansas Wizard.

Sir Al asked Jeremy if he knew of a safe place they could take PG and Bill to across the border in Canada....he replied"yes i do and you need to go to Groomers Inn....the journey will be tough for the darkness will deepen to darker than you have ever known before....but for a glass of your Rum i can grant you assistance"....Al poured the wizard a glass of his finest Rum.

Jeremy led them out side and whipped out his wand....waved it around and said "follow the glow in the yellow piss snow"

They set off on their way......


.............to be continued.................


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## muleman RIP

I don't want to ride with a pregnant woman who ate all that food. We will have frostbite from all the potty stops!


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## pirate_girl

Never mind being pregnant, I'm going to get fat eating all that stuff! 































What? no ketchup for my onion rings?


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## Rusty Shackleford

oooooookay then. this is what happenes when i float off for a couple days, huh? i see nothing has changed


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## loboloco

Rusty Shackleford said:


> oooooookay then. this is what happenes when i float off for a couple days, huh? i see nothing has changed


Hey man, find a dealer, JEV is running out of weed and I just drank your last beer.


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## pirate_girl

Rusty Shackleford said:


> oooooookay then. this is what happenes when i float off for a couple days, huh? i see nothing has changed


Rustyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!


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## Rusty Shackleford

thats my name, dont wear it out


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## Galvatron

Rusty now had his foot firmly putting the pedal to the metal....well corrosion is more like it,with Neil Diamond still playing away Jev and Lobo were now playing a game of name that smell in which most odours were coming from the drivers seat which was wrongly located on the left...Jev noticed Rusty was starting to tire so offered to drive for a bit which was a much needed suggestion.

They pulled over and as they got out to switch seats across the road stood a tiny Toad holding a sign up saying"car broke down could not be Toad...can you give me a lift to my home"....how could they say know to a poor helpless Toad it would not be very sporting of them.

Lobo shouted over "hop inside you have a ride" to which the Toad did so...he told them his name was Murph and he was trying to get home to his family and missed them so much...and in fact he was a prince trapped in a Toads body and only when he got home and made Love to his Princess wife would he be released from the Toads body....yes he was a horny Toad indeed.

Again they continued their journey with now a Toad to keep them company....the Snow was getting heavier but they plowed on into the night crossing through Wisconsin and right in to Minnesota.

.............To be continued...........


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## Rusty Shackleford

still looking for that head shaking smiley  

keep it up, mister galvy. you can make this into a book and sell it. and i get a percentage of course for the use of my likeness


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## muleman RIP

Rusty Shackleford said:


> keep it up, mister galvy. you can make this into a book and sell it. and i get a percentage of course for the use of my likeness



This is a Christmas story not a horror novel!


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## Rusty Shackleford

true. if it were a true Christmas story, there wouldnt be a shitty prius in it


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## Galvatron

Rusty Shackleford said:


> true. if it were a true Christmas story, there wouldnt be a shitty prius in it



It was the closest thing to a Donkey i could find


PS........And this story is true as the ending will show....just may take time to get there.


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## muleman RIP

Well don't tell anybody how I knocked up PG!


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## Galvatron

muleman said:


> Well don't tell anybody how I knocked up PG!



You could not tell that story in playboy let alone here on the open forum.....need to draft up the next chapter Hmmmmmmmm need my thinking Tea and Cigar.


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## Rusty Shackleford

Galvatron said:


> Hmmmmmmmm need my thinking Tea and Cigar.


 
for those who do not know, that is British say for booze and weed


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## Galvatron

Rusty Shackleford said:


> for those who do not know, that is British say for booze and weed



Jerk


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## Rusty Shackleford




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## muleman RIP

Well fire it up and drink it down!


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## Rusty Shackleford

HAHAHAHA


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## pirate_girl

muleman said:


> Well don't tell anybody how I knocked up PG!


Yeah.. we won't tell anyone how I slipped Viagra into your special fried chicken..


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## muleman RIP

pirate_girl said:


> Yeah.. we won't tell anyone how I slipped Viagra into your special fried chicken..


Anything for you dear. Use me!!!


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## pirate_girl

LOL!!


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## Rusty Shackleford

hey Bill, dont forget: 4 hours and you need to call your physician


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## Galvatron

With Kansas,Nebraska and South Dakota firmly behind them Sir Big Al was making good time through North Dakota and heading for the border of Canada,the glow from the yellow piss Snow had surly helped them through the dense darkness that none had witness before,the drifts of snow were now becoming walls of treacherous ice and even the Kristi was showing the strain with the engine roaring at maximum capacity with smoke bellowing from the titanium tail pipes,this little Kristi had shown full courage and heart but Sir Al could not bare to punish her more and pulled over with defeat sadly poised into his soul,it all looked over.

But then out of the Darkness high from the sky came a twinkle of hope,the twinkle got closer staying small yet getting brighter,it flickered outside the wind shield and all in the Kristi stared closer,they could not believe their eyes as they realized this twinkle had in fact had wings and the most beautiful face and white glistening hair,Sir Al wound down the window and she buzzed up to his face and spoke softly....

 "i am the Ice Queen i come from afar,i purchased these wings as i don't own a car....may i assist you,what do you need....just ask me softly and end it with please".....

Bill thought the Viagra was playing mind tricks....Sir Al thought the Rum was to blame.....PG who was now close to flooding the Kristi with her waters just shouted at them"FOR THE FIST TIME IN YOUR LIVES WILL YOU JUST ASK THE BLOODY WOMAN FOR ASSISTANCE......I WANT THIS BLOODY THING OUT OF ME AND ASAP"

With his spirits low and after drawing the short straw Bill bit his inner cheek and asked the Ice Queen"could you break down these walls and clear our path, i'm starting to smell and need a bath...............please"

With a smile on her face and a wave of her hand,the walls crumbled down with a large crashing sound,the snow flakes stopped falling and the darkness did lift,she winked at Sir Al and blew him a Kiss........and with that she was gone.

Sir Big Al fired up the Kristi with a grin on his face and started to cross over the border into Canada,the Glow from the yellow piss snow was gone but also had the darkness but where in Canada would they find Groomers Inn

...........................To Be Continued...................


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## Rusty Shackleford

Galvatron said:


> PS........And this story is true as the ending will show....just may take time to get there.


 
i call bullshit on this one. no way would Niel Diamond be playing in my car


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## muleman RIP

Rusty Shackleford said:


> i call bullshit on this one. no way would Niel Diamond be playing in my car


Yes it would! Lobo is packing and that is what he likes!


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## Galvatron

At last the white passion wagon reached the border of Canada with only border control to pass,with the control post insight there was a loud bang followed by a hissing sound coming from the rear of the car,the wise Jerks looked at Murph but he assured them it was not him this time and as no smell followed they stopped and got out to check.

A rear balding tyre had split close to the rim and needed to be changed...but in the trunk the jack was not there as Rusty removed it to make room for a 1960's radio he found on the side of the road a few day's earlier,everyone cussed Rusty for being such a jerk.

Toad said if they all combined their strength then just maybe they could lift the car but this failed as one was only a Horny Toad and the others had the muscle consistency of a wet lettuce......again they needed help and by luck it come in the form of a old wandering Cowboy.

"Cowboy i am can i help you four damsels" he said with a cheeky grin as he chewed his Tobacco(Jev was blushing)....the four screeched like bitches with excitement and explained their dilemma in which Cowboy told them to step aside and let a man do what a man's gotta do,and with only one arm he picked up the whole rear end of the car,spitting his used Tobacco on to the floor he told them to take their time as he did not wish to see them break a finger nail.

When the tyre was changed all thanked Cowboy and asked if he knew of a place close by over the border where they could get booze and weed as they had run dry,Cowboy said "let me jump in and i will guide you to the best dealer around.....you need to follow the signs to a Town called Greenstone.....hide me in the trunk as i just kicked out of Canada for stalking the pretty locals".

So he jump in the trunk and over the border they went heading to a town known as Greenstone........border control were asleep on the job and made things easy........


..................To Be Continued....................


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## Galvatron

Now with no idea how to find Groomer's Inn Sir Al and Bill needed to find a local with great knowledge of the area,but could only find a Mountie riding a magnificent white stallion.....he was a tall Mountie with long flowing dark brown hair and carried a shining silver plated Sig 220,this Mountie was a crack shot and could take down a Cola can from 3 foot.

The Mountie introduced himself has PB and was happy to assist in any way he could,Bill explained they needed to find a safe haven Inn known as Groomer's and it was urgent due to the constant howling from the back of the Kristi from PG and more importantly Sir Al was running low on Rum.

PB told them to follow up the rear which kind of worried Sir Al,and before long they saw the lights glowing through the Inn windows,this sight could not have come any sooner as all of a sudden there was a gush of flowing water pissing out everywhere for PG's waters had broke,and Bill was also pissing himself as Sir Al had filled the last Dr Pepper bottle from his own leaking bladder.

When they reached the Inn Bill rushed through the door where Groomer himself stood serving drinks and home made pies,a piano was playing and Ladies were dancing naked upon the Bar....Bill's Viagra kicked in for round two when in marched PG and whacked him with Sir Al's Tyre iron.Groomer looked down and see the bump....looked down further and see the dripping water...."what the fuck do you think this place is" he shouted...."get out of here!!!"

"But we were sent here by forces unkown and need a place quick as this aint waiting" she replied....."NO" he insisted and PG reacted by grabbing him by the man sack and shouted"if you dont want these ripped off and rammed down your throat you will give me a room now!!!"with a limp and a high pitched voice Groomer led them to the Barn out back.

...........................To Be Continued.................


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## NorthernRedneck

....oh god, they let a Krusti into town

I'll be avoiding the oil slicks for the next few years now


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## Galvatron

All of a sudden into the barn walked the Three not-so-wise jerks with Murph and Cowboy at their side.....tired from their journey they told the others how they had been sent to witness the Birth of a special child,Bill told them to have a good look and to take pictures to send to Big Dog as he was in to all sorts of perversion.

PG started screaming as the baby was now coming fast(not as fast as Bill did)....with no bed to lay PG on they slung her back first onto a Honda trike that Groomer has stored in the barn and put her legs over the sides of the handle bars,Lobo zoomed in for a close up on his Kodak camera which he had got a good deal on from a online store that we can't name for legal reasons,Rusty passed out drunk and Jev started asking around for cooking ideas for the placenta...this guy could make a wholesome dish out of anything.

PG started to panic and asked for a nurse....groomer run and got a dancer from his Inn named lilnixon who had once delivered a calf with her Husband called nixon,nixon come along for the laughs and in hope of a free Beer.With lots of pushing and shoving mostly from the men wanting a closer look up PG's skirt,a tiny head appeared....."i need Rum" cried Sir Big Al..."just one last big push"cried lilnixon....and with all her might PG screamed and pushed so hard not only did baby come free but she also shit all over poor little Murph...at long last the child was born and safe without the assistance of the Healthcare Bill from over the border....the child was a delight for all to see and weighed in at 8lb 7oz....a boy with dazzling dark Brown eye's.

Rusty cracked open the twelve pack....Jev built a fire under the non-stick frying pan and Lobo done what Americans do best and started firing off the AK-47....the celebration went on for hours until they realized they had lost track of time and it was Christmas Eve....they all had friends and loved ones waiting for them at home....some may even be missed but very unlikely.

What would they do and what would the special child's future hold????


................Stay tuned for the final chapter....................


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## Rusty Shackleford

if i didnt have room for a jack, how would i have room for a Cowboy? you need to get this story straight before it gets sent to the publisher


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## Galvatron

The great Knight Sir Big Al stepped forward and ripped open his shirt....this was a man of steel that could not spell failure......."i shall get everyone home and in time for Christmas.....bring me my tools from the Kristi" he shouted and pulled a blueprint from his back pocket...."bring me timber and nails"he ordered and started working away.

All looked in amazement as the construction began,Sir Al working with the crudest of tools yet crafting the most eye popping machine...."Fetch me rope he shouted and paint of bright red...round up some Reindeer and keep away Jev".

Two hours passed and shit could he work....Rusty sat drinking wearing a skirt,murph was still Horny,nixon stole Beer,Cowboy just farted and wet willed Jev's ear.

At last it was created and  was painted bright red....gold trimmings and ropes attached to the Reindeer and just enough seating to accommodate all that needed to get home...what was it they asked....could it be what that thought it could be but surly that would be impossible...

yes explained Sir Big Al it is an exact replica of Santa's sleigh....for it was i that helped Santa build is sleigh as only i with Kristi building skills could understand the physics to create such a machine....everyone was stunned but promised Sir Al they would keep his secret....Rusty they gave memory loss drugs as he could never keep his gob shut.

Over in the corner PG and Bill looked sad....lilnixon asked why so sad at such a happy time...the explained with PG's commitments taking care of the sick and Bill being way to busy helping the Amish they could not care for the child...what should they do??

Then without warning a flash and the great one Admin Doc appeared and explained the special child was destined to be taken from them anyway,as for in a far away land a childless couple had prayed for this child.

Doc asked PG to write the child's name onto a piece of Golden paper which she did and Doc wrote a message for the child also on the same piece of Gold paper then put it inside a locket and placed it around the child's neck,then told Sir Big Al to travel faster than ever before to take home everyone with the last stop being at a location for the child to be gifted to his new parents......Doc said he would text the location to him on his cell phone as he had left it on his boat.

So of flew the sleigh dropping off all that had witnessed the amazing birth...Sir Al did not slow just tossed them overboard one by one......they all got home with time to spare and Horny Toad Murph well lets just say he aint no Toad any more after his 3 minutes of passion with his adorable Princess wife as his curse was now lifted.

The location came through on the cell phone and Sir Al followed Doc's directions....he raced against all odds to travel to a far away land where he landed outside a quaint little cottage....he crept inside and dropped the child under the tree "whoop's" he whispered,then slipped out the door and flew off into the night silently on his last journey to his own home.

Within an hour morning broke and the Husband and wife came down to find their prayers had been answered...a child of their own to love and be proud,the wife could not contain her curiosity and opened the locket...it read...

Many good people helped make sure this child got to you safe....if ever he needs them again he can find them at www.forumsforums.com  and on the back it said his name....

Galvatron.

The End.

The sleigh Sir Al built......


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## Galvatron

Rusty Shackleford said:


> if i didnt have room for a jack, how would i have room for a Cowboy? you need to get this story straight before it gets sent to the publisher



Twat the spare wheel came out remember....donut


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## Rusty Shackleford

how would i remember? apparently i passed out at the birthing


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## loboloco

Hey, at least I got to shoot off the rifle.  And managed to refrain from ventilating my two traveling companions.


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## muleman RIP

Well don't bother me and PG come March as we will be busy working on twins for next year!


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## pirate_girl

muleman said:


> Well don't bother me and PG come March as we will be busy working on twins for next year!


Man!!
So I threatened to rip a nut sack off, then wound up giving birth to the kid

Twins next year?
I don't think I can go through this again!


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## Rusty Shackleford

pirate_girl said:


> I don't think I can go through this again!


 
dont worry, neither could Billiam's Prinus


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## Galvatron

shit i must have been bored back in 2010


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## muleman RIP

It was drug induced!


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## Galvatron

muleman said:


> It was drug induced!



never knew i had it in me ....no drugs just love


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## Catavenger

Oh wow I didn't join until after that - look what I . . .    er missed -


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## Galvatron

Jeez this was fun to write and starred some great members that are sadly no longer with us.

Should i write a new one


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## NorthernRedneck

Ah. The good Ole days 

Sent from my SM-G900W8 using Tapatalk


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## MrLiberty

Galvatron said:


> Jeez this was fun to write and starred some great members that are sadly no longer with us.
> 
> Should i write a new one




I'd like to hear your version of Twas a Night Before Christmas.  

This should be good.


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