# Tidbits  AKA  Groaners



## Doc

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow,

why the thing he predicted yesterday,
 did not happen today.


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits*

Patient: Doctor I have a sore throat, I ache, and have a fever.

Doctor: Sounds like some kind of virus.

Patient: Everyone in the office has it.

Doctor: Well then, maybe it’s a staff infection.


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits*

Did you hear about the baby that was born in a high tech. hospital?
 It came out cordless!


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits*

I was taught to respect my elders. 
 It's just getting harder to find them.


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits*

A good laugh is like manure to a farmer, 
 it doesn't do any good until you spread it around.


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits*

Marriage is nature’s way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits*

A man goes into B&Q and says, “I’d like to order 5,000 facing bricks.”

“Certainly” says the salesman, “Are they for a garage?”

“No” says the man; “They’re for a Bar-B-Q”

“Why do you need so many?” asks the salesman

“Well,” says the man “We live in a 3rd floor flat.”


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits*

At a traffic court, the judge asked the motorist: Tell me, why did you park your car here?

The man said: “Well, there was a sign that said 
 “fine for parking.”


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits*

A lady wasn't feeling well, so she went to the doctor.

Doctor asked if she ever had chicken pox?
 Her reply: "No, but I have had chicken nuggets."


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits*

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
 None. They just declare darkness the standard


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits*

Gun Permit
 Yesterday, I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.

When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said,

"Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer


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## rlk

*Re: Tidbits*

Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.


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## rlk

*Re: Tidbits*

The three biggest tragedies in a man's life:
Life sucks
Job sucks
Wife doesn't


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## waybomb

*Re: Tidbits*

The average male has sex 89 times per year.
December is gonna be a great month.


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits*

Why didn't the dog want to play football?
 It was a boxer!


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits*

Nostalgia is not what it used to be.


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits*

He who laughs last,
 thinks slowest.


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits*

A cannibal chief invited over another cannibal chief from a different tribe over for dinner. They sit down and eat the best meat.

After dinner, the visiting cannibal chief said, "Wow that was good! Your wife makes the best meat."
 Then the other cannibal chief said, "Yeah, I'm gonna miss her..."


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits*

Mechanic, I couldn't repair your brakes, 
 so I made your horn louder.


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits*

THE 12 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS
 1. Clearly misunderstood
 2. Exact estimate
 3. Small crowd
 4. Act naturally
 5 . Found missing
 6. Fully empty
 7. Happily married
 8. Genuine fake
 9. Fuzzy logic
 10. Second best
 11. Hard water
 12. Pretty ugly


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## rlk

*Re: Tidbits*

The three stages in a man's life:
Tri-Weekly
Try Weekly
Try Weakly


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## rlk

*Re: Tidbits*

Impotence: Nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings."


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## rlk

*Re: Tidbits*

A wife is a sex object.  Every time you ask for sex she objects.


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits*

Why do men take showers instead of baths?
 Because peeing in the bath is disgusting.


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits*

knock, knock
 Who is there?
 Alex
 Alex who?

Alexplain later, now let me in.


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits*

The first time I see a jogger smiling,
 I will consider doing it.


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits*

Some days I just sit quietly and wonder how come I'm not in a mental asylum. Then I take a good look around and realize,
 maybe I already am!


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits*

A Native American Indian introduced me to his wife last night at a Xmas party. He said this is my wife "Four Horses''. I said wow "That's a beautiful name, what does it mean''? 
 He said nag, nag, nag, nag


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## pirate_girl

*Re: Tidbits*



Doc said:


> A Native American Indian introduced me to his wife last night at a Xmas party. He said this is my wife "Four Horses''. I said wow "That's a beautiful name, what does it mean''?
> He said nag, nag, nag, nag



<groan> lol


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## Danang Sailor

*Re: Tidbits  AKA  Groan'ers*

Doing a good job around here is like peeing your pants wearing a dark suit - you get a nice warm feeling, but nobody notices.


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## Danang Sailor

*Re: Tidbits  AKA  Groan'ers*

If a male goat is a ram, and a male donkey is an ass, while is it a ram in the ass is called a 'goose'?


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits  AKA  Groan'ers*

I love asking kids what they wanna be when they grow up,
 cuz I'm still looking for ideas!!!


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits  AKA  Groan'ers*

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. 
 She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her 
 question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls 
 your name, can you hear it?"
 She thought for a time and then asked, 

"Is it on or off?"


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## Catavenger

*Re: Tidbits  AKA  Groan'ers*

Why did the math book cry?

 It was full of PROBLEMS!


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits  AKA Insta Groan'ers*

Always trust people who like big butts .......they cannot lie.


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits  AKA Insta Groan'ers*

I pulling into the crowded Walmart parking lot, rolled down the car windows to make sure my puppy had fresh air. She was stretched full out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must stay there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? "Stay! Stay!"
 The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits  AKA Insta Groan'ers*

Nothing is fool-proof to a
 sufficiently talented fool.


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits  AKA Insta Groan'ers*

A man jumps from a plane and as he descends pulls his parachute only nothing happens so he pulls his reserve and still no luck so as he contemplates flapping his arms like a bird when he spies a man coming up towards him.

Calling out to the man “DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?”
 The other man replies “NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT GAS COOKERS?”


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits  AKA Insta Groan'ers*

What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
 A dead centipede.


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits  AKA Insta Groan'ers*

An old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg. “I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.” 

“That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.”

“How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor. 

“Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits  AKA Insta Groan'ers*

You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.


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## tiredretired

*Re: Tidbits  AKA Insta Groan'ers*



Doc said:


> You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.



Happens to me all the time.


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits  AKA Insta Groan'ers*

REDNECK WORDs OF THE DAY:

*Munts:* It’s been four munts since I heard from my brother.

*All:* I’m gonna need me a all change on that truck.

*Bawl:* You gotta bawl that water fo’ you put in the egg.


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits  AKA Insta Groan'ers*

A good looking girl waved at me today… 
 But there was no way I was swimming out that far to see her.


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits  AKA Insta Groan'ers*

Bob and his wife Judy (both blonds) live in Ohio. 
 One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say:
 "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must
 park your car on the even numbered side of the street,
 so that the snowplow can get through"
 Judy goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio
 announcer says: "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow
 today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side
 of the street, so that the snowplow can get through."
 Judy goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the
 radio announcer says: "We are expecting 8-10 inches of
 snow today. You must park........... ," then the electric
 power goes out. Judy is very upset, and with a worried look
 on her face she says, "Honey, I just don't know what to do.
 Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow
 can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice, which all men,
 who are married to beautiful women, exhibit, Bob says,
 "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits  AKA Insta Groan'ers*

I just saw on "The History Channel" that geologists say in a hundred million years, Asia and America will smash into each other and become one big huge super-continent. 
 How ironic is that??? Just about the time when we have our loan to China paid off, we become China.


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits  AKA Insta Groan'ers*

This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a mayday: "Mayday! Mayday! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!" 

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position". She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat". 
 "Okay" says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father, who art in Heaven..."


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits  AKA Insta Groan'ers*

two blondes ....


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## tiredretired

*Re: Tidbits  AKA Insta Groan'ers*

Why doesn't a bicycle or motorcycle stand up by themselves?

Because they are two tired.  

Get it?


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits  AKA Insta Groan'ers*

I have a friend and I'm not saying he is stupid.

However I asked him how to spell 'Mississippi'. 
 He asked, "The River or the State?"


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits  AKA Insta Groan'ers*

How You know Your staying in a redneck hotel?

You call the front desk and say I've gotta leak in the sink.
 And the clerk say's "go ahead."


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits  AKA Insta Groan'ers*

Did you hear about the calendar thief? 
 He got 12 months, his days are numbered.


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits  AKA Insta Groan'ers*

I'm going to change my Geico insurance to Allstate, 

then change to State Farm, 
 then back to Geico according to the tv commercials they should owe me $673.


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits  AKA Insta Groan'ers*

A recent study has found over 200 dead crows near Bronx New York and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu virus. 

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. 
 However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact. 

The State of New York hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order.
 When crows eat road kill, they always set up another crow as a lookout in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. 

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah" but he could not say "Truck".


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## EastTexFrank

*Re: Tidbits  AKA Insta Groan'ers*



Doc said:


> A recent study has found over 200 dead crows near Bronx New York and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu virus.
> 
> A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.
> However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.
> 
> The State of New York hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car kills.
> 
> The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order.
> When crows eat road kill, they always set up another crow as a lookout in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
> 
> His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah" but he could not say "Truck".




You should be real proud!!!!  That is bad.  I mean, really, really freekin' bad.


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits  AKA Insta Groan'ers*

I try Frank.  I really try.   LOL


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits  AKA Insta Groan'ers*

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.
 "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied.
 The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow."
 The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
 "Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
 Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
 "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"


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## Doc

*Re: Tidbits  AKA Insta Groan'ers*

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 

"why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life." 

The child thought about this for a moment. 

"So why is the groom wearing black?


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## Doc

HOW TO INSTALL A “SOUTHERN” HOME SECURITY SYSTEM 

1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14-16 men's work boots.
 2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of ‘Guns & Ammo’ magazine.
 3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
 4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,
 Betty Sue, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. 
 Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and
 messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell 
 from all the blood.

Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.
 - Cooter


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## Doc

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like they say on TV, 

'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"


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## Doc

When my girlfriend picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, 

I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. 
 Problem solved.


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## Doc

A guy is 78 years old and loves to fish. 

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 
 'Pick me up.' He looked around and couldn't see anyone. 

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.' 

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. 
 The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up, then kiss me; 
 and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because 
 I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked 
 it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?' 
 I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.' 

With age comes wisdom!


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## Doc

Husband takes the wife to a disco.

There's a guy on the dance floor dancing, he is doing the
 break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?
 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!


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## Doc

THE CHICKEN GUN

The true story of the Chicken Gun. Too funny not to share!
 Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound
 dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
 windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and
 a gun was sent to the British engineers.

WHEN THE GUN WAS FIRED, THE ENGINEERS STOOD SHOCKED AS THE CHICKEN
 HURLED OUT OF THE BARREL, CRASHED INTO THE SHATTERPROOF SHIELD, SMASHED IT TO SMITHEREENS, BLASTED THROUGH THE CONTROL CONSOLE, SNAPPED THE ENGINEER'S BACK-REST IN TWO, AND EMBEDDED ITSELF IN THE BACK WALL OF THE CABIN, LIKE AN ARROW SHOT FROM A BOW.

THE HORRIFIED BRITS SENT NASA THE DISASTROUS RESULTS OF THE
 EXPERIMENT, ALONG WITH THE DESIGNS OF THE WINDSHIELD AND BEGGED THE US SCIENTISTS FOR SUGGESTIONS.

NASA RESPONDED WITH A ONE-LINE MEMO -- "DEFROST THE CHICKEN."
 (TRUE STORY)


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## Doc

Pilot: Have you ever flown in a small plane before?

Passenger: No, I have not.

Pilot: Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears from popping.

Pilot (after the plane landed): Did the gum help?

Passenger: Yep. It worked fine. The only trouble is I can't get the gum out of my ears.


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## Doc

My neighbor knocked on my door at three in the morning today! 

Can you believe that? 
 Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.


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## Doc

The Obama administration announced today it is going to require colleges and vocational schools to demonstrate that they are properly preparing students for jobs after college. 
 So if you are still in college, don’t be surprised if your chemistry class tomorrow is all about how to make a cappuccino!


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## Doc

...


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## Doc

Little Johnny asks his father, "Where does the wind come from?"
 "I don't know."

"Why is the earth round?"
 "I don't know."

"Why do dogs bark?"
 "I don't know."

Little Johnny pauses for a beat, "Does it disturb you that I ask so much?"

"Not at all son. How else are you going to learn."


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## Doc

The Sunday school teacher told the class, "Children, we've learned how powerful kings and queens were in Biblical times. But there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" Little Johnny blurted out, "Aces!"


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## tiredretired

Two goldfish are in a tank.  One says to the other, you know how to drive this thing?

Two soldiers are in a tank.  One says to the other, blub, blub, blub.


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## pirate_girl

TiredRetired said:


> Two goldfish are in a tank.  One says to the other, you know how to drive this thing?
> 
> Two soldiers are in a tank.  One says to the other, blub, blub, blub.



You'd better cut and run after that one, Crackerjack. lol


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## Doc

I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"
 Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."


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## Doc

Best Fortune cookie ever: 

"Person expecting sound advice from stale cookie probably make good dishwasher. 
 Ask manager for application."


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## pirate_girl

Doc said:


> Best Fortune cookie ever:
> 
> "Person expecting sound advice from stale cookie probably make good dishwasher.
> Ask manager for application."



I lol'd


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## Danang Sailor

Q:  What would you call a group of people scouring corn with a pumice cloth?
A:  Kernel Sanders.

Q:  What would J.M. Barrie call a hospital-bed urinal?
A:  Peter Pan.

Q:  What would you call a legal document Ian Fleming was required to post to ensure he never changed his famous spy's
given name?
A:  A James Bond

Q:  What propels Army flag officers' vehicles?
A:  General Motors.


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## Doc

Remember, just one spelling mistake can destroy your life. 

A Husband sent this to his wife: 
 "I'm having a wonderful time, I wish you were her!"


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## Doc

I found an old coin in my attic today and took it to a coin expert to examine it! 

He said ''This could be worth $50,000.00!'' 

After catching my breath I gasped ''Really?"' 

He tossed it back to me and said ''Yeah, if you use it to scratch off a winning lottery ticket!"


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## Doc

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. 

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. 

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said.

"Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."


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## Doc

This afternoon, just as a joke, I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 

12 people called me.
 I need smarter friends.


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## loboloco

Please don't tell my family I'm a Truck driver,



They think I'm a piano player in a whorehouse.


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## Doc

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles.
 UCLA.


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## Doc

How many boxes of these 'Thin Mints' do I have to eat before I start seeing results?


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## Doc

Women are like orange juice cartons: it's not the size or shape that matters or even how sweet the juice is, it's getting those flaps to open!


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## Doc

I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks.
Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check!


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## NorthernRedneck

Doc said:


> I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks.
> Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check!


Along the same lines.....

I often feel as if I was run over by a jeep.

Sent from my Transformer TF101 using Tapatalk


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## EastTexFrank

Doc said:


> I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks.
> Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check!



Along the same lines.

I used to wake up in the morning with an erection that I couldn't push down with both hands.  Now I awake in the morning with an erection that I can push down with 2 fingers.  I must be getting stronger as I get older.


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## Danang Sailor

NorthernRedneck said:


> Along the same lines.....
> 
> *I often feel as if I was run over by a jeep.*
> 
> Sent from my Transformer TF101 using Tapatalk


Well, at least it didn't completely crush your sense of humor!


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## loboloco

Went to the doctor last week and he diagnosed me with Oubu disease.






Old, ugly, and beat up.


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## Doc

What's the best thing about gardening? 

Getting down and dirty with your hoes!


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## Doc

I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.'
When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.
"Just where do you think you going?" she asked.
"What do you mean?" I said.
She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: "Thanks for putting up with me. So long."


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## Danang Sailor

Doc said:


> I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.'
> When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.
> "Just where do you think you going?" she asked.
> "What do you mean?" I said.
> She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: "Thanks for putting up with me. So long."


_(This actually happened back in the 60's - Mods, move it to a non-joke thread if you wish)

_An acquaintance was asked to fill in at the last minute when the featured speaker for a fledgling feminist group had to
cancel.  During the phone conversation with the gal who was running the program he gave her the title of the talk he
wanted to give; she agreed and took that title to someone who set up programs for distribution.

On the night of the talk he was introduced and was met with boos, catcalls, and actually had to dodge things thrown at
him!  He didn't understand until he saw a copy of the program on the podium.  Here is the title of the speech he meant to
deliver:
"A Woman -- Without Her, Man is a Beast"

Not a bad thing, right?  Unfortunately, the title was passed to the printer verbally, so *this* is what was ended up on the
program:
"A Woman Without Her Man is a Beast"

Punctuation Matters!!


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## Doc

A friend told me

"You're not fat, you're just getting easier to see."


----------



## Doc

At a job interview, I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little. My interviewer asked, "Are you nervous?" I said, "No. I always give 110%!"


----------



## Doc

Son: Dad there is some one at the door to collect donations for a swimming pool.

Dad: Give him a glass of water.


----------



## Doc

Well, I can't afford health insurance anymore.
But the good news is, I still have car insurance.
So whenever I get really sick, I'll just go crash my car into a tree.


----------



## Doc

Teacher: "Little Johnny, give me a sentence using the word, 'geometry.'"
Little Johnny: "A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said,
'Gee, I'm a tree.'"


----------



## Doc

I have ESP.




I know you're thinking that I don't!


----------



## Doc

I don't care what people say,

I still think the correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies should be

"compost".


----------



## pirate_girl

The husband asked his wife for a hand in the kitchen, so she followed him around clapping.


----------



## Doc

Don't you just love Christmas lights?
They remind me of our politicians!
They all hang together, half the suckers don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright!


----------



## Doc

Man walks into the barbershop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, "How do you want your haircut?"
The man says, " I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top."
The barber looks puzzled and says, "I'm not sure I can do that."
The customer says, "Why not, you did it that way last time."


----------



## Doc

I’ll do algebra, I’ll do statistics, I’ll even do trigonometry…
But graphing, THAT is where I draw the line!


----------



## MrLiberty

Doc said:


> I’ll do algebra, I’ll do statistics, I’ll even do trigonometry…
> But graphing, THAT is where I draw the line!


----------



## Doc

How is it that only one company makes the game "Monopoly?"


----------



## Doc

What did the doe say after coming out of the forest?

I'll never do that again for two bucks.


----------



## nixon

What does a thesaurus have for breakfast ? 
A synonym bun !


----------



## pirate_girl

nixon said:


> What does a thesaurus have for breakfast ?
> A synonym bun !


----------



## EastTexFrank

nixon said:


> What does a thesaurus have for breakfast ?
> A synonym bun !



There are groaners and then there are G..R..O..A..N..E..R..S.  Congratulations!!!


----------



## Doc

I don't mean to brag but last week I finished my new 14-day diet in only six hours and twenty minutes!


----------



## Doc

A guy just threw a glass of milk at me,
How dairy?


----------



## Doc

If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it.
Now quiet please!
They're about to announce the lottery numbers!


----------



## Doc

Last night, she texted me:
"your adorable."
I replied:
"no, YOU'RE adorable."
Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her bad grammar.


----------



## Doc

I hate it when people say "He's a nice person once you get to know him."
They might as well just say.
"He's a jerk, but you'll get used to it."


----------



## Doc

Marriage is nature’s way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.


----------



## Doc

Santa's elves are just a bunch of,
subordinate Clauses.


----------



## Doc

If you have a clear conscience.
It's usually a sign of a bad memory!


----------



## Doc

Al: When was your son born?
Sam: In March, he came the first of the month.
Al: Is that why you named him "Bill"?

======================

I can't understand why bottled mineral water that has “trickled through mountains for centuries”
Has a “Use By” date?

----------------------------------------

"Time is the best teacher.
Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"

----------------------------------

I went out to Dillards today to buy a little something for my girlfriend for Chrismas.
The sales girl suggested perfume. and showed me a little bottle that cost $50.00.
I said "do you have one a little smaller?" She showed me one for $25.00.
I said "do you have one a little smaller?" She showed me one for $15.00.
I asked "can you show me something cheaper?"
She handed me a mirror!


----------



## Doc

What do cannibals call athletes?
Fast food!

-------------------------------

If we aren't supposed to eat animals

Why are they made of meat?

---------------------------------------

Now that the Pope confirmed that animals go to heaven.
I don't feel so bad about eating one every day.

----------------------------------------

It is beginning to cost
a lot like Christmas.

----


----------



## Catavenger

Words of Wisdom: 

Always remember you are unique - just like everyone else. 


Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

.   If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of car loan or mortgage payments. 

.   Before you criticise anyone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a
      mile away and you have their shoes.
.   If at first you don't succeed, then sky-diving is not for you. 

    Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 

.   If you lend someone $ 20 and never see them again, it was probably well worth it. 

.   If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 

 Good judgment comes from bad experience and bad experience comes from poor judgment in the first place. 

.   A closed mouth gathers no foot. 

.   There are two excellent theories about arguing with women. Neither one works. 

.   Generally speaking, you don't learn much when your lips are moving. 

.   Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 

                   We are born naked, wet and hungry, and got our bottoms slapped. After that, things just got worse.


----------



## Catavenger

Doc said:


> It is beginning to cost
> a lot like Christmas.
> 
> ----


  Ain't that right


----------



## MrLiberty




----------



## Doc

*What is Forrest Gump's password?
1forrest1.*


----------



## Doc

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is heavy and the others a little lighter....


----------



## Doc

A woman who ran to the mall for a quick errand lost her purse, but an honest teenage boy returned it to her.
The woman looked inside her purse and remarked, "That's strange. Earlier I had a $20 bill inside, but now it's gone, and instead I see two fives and a ten."
"That's right," the boy explained. "The last time I found a lady's purse, she did not have change for a reward."


----------



## Doc

A blonde, brunette and redhead woman decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition.
The brunette came in first, the redhead second, then the blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted.
After being revived with blankets and a drink she remarked,
"I don't want to complain, but I'm pretty sure those other two girls used their arms."


----------



## Doc

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say
"I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out?"
Or looked at a chicken and said
" I'll eat the next thing that comes out of it's butt?"


----------



## Doc

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.


----------



## Doc

*If you are ever attacked by a mob of clowns.
Make sure you go for the juggler!*


----------



## Doc

I found out last night that my next door neighbor is a Jehovah Witness.
He knows some really good knock knock jokes.


----------



## Doc

Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what is taking so long?"
"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."
"Good lord!" his companion exclaimed.
"You don't have a chance of hitting her from here."


----------



## Doc

I Just asked Siri, “Surely its not going to rain today?”
She said, “It is, and don’t call me Shirley”
It seems that I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.


----------



## Doc

1. I got a dig bick
2. You that read wrong
3. You read that wrong too
4. You checked
5. You smiled
7. You are wondering why you're still this reading this
8. You saw that mistake... right? (On 7)
10. But did you see that I skipped 6?
10. You checked
11. And saw you that I doubled 10 and skipped 9
12. I said saw you, not you saw
13. I also skipped 2
14. You got tricked
15. I'm just wasting your time go back to reading the forums.     GROAN


----------



## Doc

I was standing at the bar in Terminal 3 at the International Airport
when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts
drinking a beer. I asked him,

 "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?" 

He said, "No I don't. And why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little shit."


----------



## Doc

I hate going to the store to buy feminine products.
How in the heck am I suppose to know what kind of dish soap she wants?


----------



## Doc

An executive was interviewing a young blonde woman for a position in his company.

He wanted to learn something about her personality, so he asked,

 "if you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?"

She quickly responded, "The living one."


----------



## Doc

What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?

A private tutor.


----------



## Doc

Never ask a podiatrist about conversions to metric,
they only know feet.


----------



## Doc

A husband and wife had a fight.
Wife called her mom: He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you.
Mom: No dear, he must pay for his mistake. 
I am coming to stay with you!


----------



## NorthernRedneck

Doc said:


> A husband and wife had a fight.
> Wife called her mom: He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you.
> Mom: No dear, he must pay for his mistake.
> I am coming to stay with you!


And just what makes you think it was his fault?  




Um






Er....







Whack


----------



## Doc

NorthernRedneck said:


> And just what makes you think it was his fault?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Um
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Er....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Whack


Are you kidding me?
Keep this under your hat but women always, always ....I mean always truly believe it's the mans fault.   And when two women discuss and argument between a man and a woman sure nuff that is one thing they will agree on .....it's the idiot mans fault.   Yep, even that one time when it is really not the mans fault.


----------



## Doc

A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked.
"Well, I think I do." she replied.
"I've been divorced three times."


----------



## Doc

*A sign posted in a Dentist's office said:

"Please be nice to our dentists.

They have fillings too."*


----------



## Doc

I do 5 sit-ups every morning!
That may not sound like much to you.
However that is as many times as my snooze alarm will work.


----------



## Doc

Most people don't think I'm as old as I am.
Until they hear me stand up.


----------



## Doc

The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. 
The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor in disgust took a paper sack with a hole to see through, and put it on her head to cover up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.
"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get upset about getting glasses.
"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."


----------



## Doc

STATISTIC
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC ,
PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.


----------



## NorthernRedneck

Doc said:


> STATISTIC
> THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC ,
> PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.
> 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
> That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.


You're a brave man. Lol


----------



## Leni




----------



## Doc

Two opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner.
One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."
"Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip a nickel and ask them to vote for you."


----------



## MrLiberty




----------



## pirate_girl

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!


----------



## MrLiberty

pirate_girl said:


> Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!


----------



## Jim_S RIP

MrLiberty said:


>



What he said.


----------



## Doc

It was twenty years ago today that I lost my wife.
I'll never forget that card game!


----------



## Doc

A young boy enters the barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer "This has got to be the dumbest kid in the world.  Watch and I'll prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”


----------



## Doc

I solved the problem of too many visiting relatives.
I borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones.
Now none of them come back.


----------



## Doc

A male frog goes to a psychic. The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."


----------



## MrLiberty

Q: What did one eye say to the other eye?

A:  Between me and you, somethings smells around here.


----------



## Doc

I believe that this daylight savings time change is by far,
the absolute lamest form of time travel.


----------



## Doc

Today, two brawny men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the range and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done.
As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place.
The two men demanded $45 for this service, stating it was not in their contract. I really had no choice but to pay them.
As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked me to move my car, which was blocking their van.
I told them my fee: $45.


----------



## Doc

How the diet going?"
"Not good, I had eggs for breakfast."
"Scrambled?"
"No, Cadbury."


----------



## Doc

The map her friend had drawn indicated that the client she was to see, lived in the third farm past Wyinda road.
Try as she might, she could not find a Wyinda Road anywhere! Exasperated, she finally stopped to ask directions.
"I ain't never heard of no Wyinda Road." said the farmer. "But ya might try askin' old man McGillicuddy, he's lived 'round here for better 'n 70 years."
"Thanks," she replied. "Where can I find him?" "He lives on the second farm past the Y in da road."


----------



## pirate_girl

Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy has a bag of doughnuts in his hand.

Paddy says to Mick: "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both."


----------



## Doc

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.
" With that, she stripped completely, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new
clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers , picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumb-founded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice.”
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks; not all blondes are dumb... but all men... are men!


----------



## Doc

FUN THINGS TO DO IN A PARK:
1. Sit down next to stranger on park bench.
2. Place an envelope beside him.
3. Whisper, “It has to look like an accident.”
4. Walk away.


----------



## Danang Sailor

After 22 years of active duty in the sea services (Navy & Coast Guard) and having observed all branches of the military first hand, I can now say with utmost confidence that the main difference between the Marines and the Boy Scouts is that the Boy Scouts have adult leaders!


----------



## deand1

Danang Sailor said:


> After 22 years of active duty in the sea services (Navy & Coast Guard) and having observed all branches of the military first hand, I can now say with utmost confidence that the main difference between the Marines and the Boy Scouts is that the Boy Scouts have adult leaders!



Is there a hidden meaning here?  Can you explain? Sorry for being dense.


----------



## Doc

A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers 1 to 10 well?
"Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10"
"Good. What comes after three?”
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten?"
" jack then queen, then king"


----------



## Doc

A new poll shows 46 percent of Americans think Congress is corrupt.
The other 64 percent think Congress is extremely corrupt.


----------



## Doc

Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street in
Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which
reads, "Suits $5.00 each! , shirts $2.00 each,
trousers $2.50 each. Bubba says to his pal, "Billy
Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these,
take'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our
friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the
talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might
think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to
us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they
don't know we is from Alabama."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia
drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100
of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them
there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup
and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South
Alabama, ain't ya?"
"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you
knowed that?"
"Because this is a dry-cleaners."


----------



## Doc

Yesterday was the last full day of winter.
This means I still have a little more time to take down my Christmas lights before it gets weird.


----------



## Danang Sailor

deand1 said:


> Is there a hidden meaning here?  Can you explain? Sorry for being dense.


Hidden?  No, I don't think so; just the (to me) obvious one.  There has been a semi-friendly banter going on between the sea services, especially the Navy, and the Marine Corps since ... well, since _forever_ as near as I can tell.

This quip is in the nature of a friendly gibe (or a cheap shot, depending) pointing out that the Boy Scouts have better leaders than the Marines.  If you were in the Navy it would be funny - or not if you were a Sea-going Bellhop (a Marine)!


----------



## bczoom

I'm a Marine (and former Scout leader).  Heard this one a thousand times and take no offense.  What does a squid know anyway?


----------



## Danang Sailor

bczoom said:


> I'm a Marine (and former Scout leader).  Heard this one a thousand times and take no offense.  *What does a squid know anyway?*


Knows enough to call a Seagoing Bellhop* when the Old Man wants his bags moved! 




*A Marine, for all you Army and Air Force types.


----------



## deand1

I worked with the US Coast Guard a lot due to my work as a Hazmat Specialist. Have heard them called the Knee Deep Navy many times.


----------



## bczoom

Danang Sailor said:


> Knows enough to call a Seagoing Bellhop* when the Old Man wants his bags moved!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *A Marine, for all you Army and Air Force types.


United States Marine Corps

The man division of the US Navy.


----------



## Danang Sailor

deand1 said:


> I worked with the US Coast Guard a lot due to my work as a Hazmat Specialist. Have heard them called the Knee Deep Navy many times.


One of my favorite cartoons in the _Navy Times_ showed two sailor-types swabbing a deck.  The caption was, "What I like about the Coast Guard is that, if anything goes wrong, you can always _wade _ashore!"


----------



## Doc

Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors, it would be a sedan.


----------



## Doc

I broke my finger today.
However on the other hand I'm fine.


----------



## Doc

Confucius says "man who want pretty nurse.
Must be patient."


----------



## Doc

My buddy held up two kayak paddles, and ask me which one I wanted.
I said "I will take either oar."


----------



## Doc

I knew the psychic I saw this afternoon was full of crap,
The very moment she accepted my check!


----------



## Doc

Never trust atoms,
they make up everything.


----------



## Doc

People say that there is no difference between ‘finished’ and ‘complete’.
I say there is.....
Marry the right person, and you’re ‘complete’
Marry the wrong person, and you’re ‘finished’


----------



## Doc

You know why politicians try so hard to get re-elected?
Because they can't make a living under the laws they've passed.


----------



## Doc

I think Congressmen should wear uniforms.
like NASCAR drivers,
so we could identify their corporate sponsors!


----------



## Doc

I'm great at multi-tasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.


----------



## Doc

Why did the author write his novel in the basement?
He wanted it to be a best~cellar.


----------



## Doc

A man was pulled over by Jacques Gilbert for speeding, and ask "why was I stopped, when I wasn't the only one speeding?"
Jacques said " have you ever been fishing?"
The man said yes.
Jacques ask "Did you ever catch them all?"


----------



## Doc

When my girlfriend picks a restaraunt that I don’t like,
I just say “oh yeah! That’s where that really cool, cute girl works”.
Problem solved.


----------



## Doc

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.
"That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral.
She stopped in to see you."


----------



## rlk

Velcro, what a rip off!


----------



## rlk

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.


----------



## rlk

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.


----------



## rlk

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?


----------



## rlk

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.


----------



## rlk

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I can't put it down.


----------



## rlk

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.


----------



## rlk

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Typo.


----------



## rlk

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic.  It's syncing now.


----------



## rlk

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.


----------



## rlk

England      has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool


----------



## rlk

Venison      for dinner again? Oh deer!


----------



## Doc

I accidentally wore a red shirt and khaki pants to target today.
The great news is I got promoted to assistant manager.


----------



## Doc

An arrogant young woman wired home from her new job:
"Made supervisor: feather in my cap." A few weeks later, she wired again,
"Made manager: feather in my cap." Then, after a few more weeks she sent another:
"Fired: send money for ticket to fly home." Her parents wired back:
"No ticket necessary.
Use feathers."


----------



## Doc

2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement =
1 bananosecond


----------



## pirate_girl

Was watching some old show the other night.
On commenting about someone's thinness, the funny guy said;

You're showing more ribs than a $2 umbrella.
I groaned, then laughed.


----------



## Doc

Yesterday at a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.
"Nervous?" asked the interviewer.
I replied,
"No, I always give 110%."


----------



## Doc

A company owner was asked a question, "How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"
He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces.
One is paid parking."


----------



## Doc

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


----------



## Doc

So what if I can't spell 'armaggedon'?
It's not like it's the end of the world.


----------



## Doc

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry,
so I threw a coconut at his face.


----------



## Doc

NBC News just showed that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs since it's conception in 2003.
The bad news is that photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs since 2003!


----------



## Doc

I read that Caitlyn Jenner told Diane Sawyer she is now writing her autobiography.
I think that’s going to be one of those “he said, she said” books.


----------



## Doc

Guy: "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead!"
Blonde girl: "What's that mean?"
Guy: "It's an Irish Toast."
Blonde girl: "Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."
Guy: "Huh?"
Blonde girl: "That's French Toast."


----------



## Doc

Wife comes downstairs and asks her husband, who is lying on a sofa, "What have you been doing?"
He replies, "Killing Flies."
"How many you have killed so far?"
"Five, three males and two females."
"How did you figure that out?"
"Well, three were sitting on the remote and two were sitting on the phone."


----------



## Doc

At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.
Everything quickly turned to chaos when a woman carrying a child started walking towards the front.
Everybody was surprised, shocked, and the bride even fainted.
The pastor asked the woman if she had anything to say.
The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."


----------



## Doc

I'm lazier than the creater of the,
Japan flag.


----------



## Doc

My train of thought derailed.
There were no survivors.


----------



## Doc

When I was a kid, my brother took going to jail really badly.
He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.


----------



## Doc

Why did God create man before woman?
Because He did not want any advice.


----------



## Doc

Starting today!
I'm going to live everyday like it's my last.
And who would want to clean the house on their last day on earth?


----------



## Doc

If I was really rich, I’d do nothing all day.
Except from a much nicer recliner!


----------



## Doc

I can remember when women treated me like God
Thought of me when they needed something.
Forgot about me when things were going well.


----------



## Doc

I have learned that the best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence.
Then the other person thinks it's just a dropped call.


----------



## Doc

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They are appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.
Later, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."
"Oh, please, Mom!" says the daughter.
"If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"


----------



## Doc

Wow, if you think things improve with age,
attend a class reunion!


----------



## NorthernRedneck

What do you call a cow with Tourette syndrome?













Beef jerky!


----------



## Doc

Being a vegetarian is
a huge missed steak.


----------



## Doc

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant.

Then I changed my mind.


----------



## Doc

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typo.


----------



## Doc

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.


----------



## pirate_girl

Had a dream I was a muffler last night.
Woke up exhausted..


----------



## Doc

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can
stop any time.


----------



## Doc

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!" The other woman turned to her and said, "I know! I heard it snoring!


----------



## Doc

People need to stop putting flyers on my car.
NO!
I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the Courthouse.


----------



## Doc

When women hold off from marrying men, they call it independence.
When men hold off from marrying women, they call it fear of commitment.


----------



## Doc

My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework.
One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ___________.”
His response: “Receipts.”


----------



## Doc

I went to a new resturant called 'Karma'.
There are no menus,
You git what you deserve.


----------



## Doc

I'm happiest when I'm wasting time and money.
Maybe it's time to run for congress!


----------



## Doc

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Just do it!"


----------



## Doc

A husband tells his wife, 
"Since it is your birthday, remember that yellow Lamborghini that you really wanted?".
The wife screams in joy and starts crying tears of joy.
Then the husband says, "Well I got you a toothbrush, same color".


----------



## loboloco

Doc said:


> A husband tells his wife,
> "Since it is your birthday, remember that yellow Lamborghini that you really wanted?".
> The wife screams in joy and starts crying tears of joy.
> Then the husband says, "Well I got you a toothbrush, same color".


And he should be out of the hospital in a week or ten days.


----------



## Doc

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He goes, "Geez...oooh....I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."


----------



## Doc

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." 
- Johnny Carson


----------



## Doc

Redneck Vocabulary Words
Bawl: You gotta bawl that water fo’ you put in the egg.
Own: Turn them lights own.
Nekkid: There he was nekkid as a jaybird.
Hep: “HEP! There’s a far!”
Shevuhlay: I got me a new shevuhlay pickup!
Tar: He got him a flat tar!
Uhmurkin: We’s uhmurkin, born and raised in the United States of Uhmurka!


----------



## road squawker

Doc said:


> Redneck Vocabulary Words
> Bawl: You gotta bawl that water fo’ you put in the egg.
> Own: Turn them lights own.
> Nekkid: There he was nekkid as a jaybird.
> Hep: “HEP! There’s a far!”
> Shevuhlay: I got me a new shevuhlay pickup!
> Tar: He got him a flat tar!
> Uhmurkin: We’s uhmurkin, born and raised in the United States of Uhmurka!




I'll be honest, I now live in W Tn, and there are a LOT of people that I just can't understand.
I hear things that kinda, maybe, perhaps  might be english words.


----------



## Doc

My doctor told me that the lever on the side of my recliner,
is not an exercise machine.


----------



## Doc

I was going to get up to go running this morning,
However my toes out voted me 10-1.


----------



## Doc

An Northerner was visiting Apex NC. He approached a local person and asked, "What's the quickest way to Charlotte?"
The local, scratched his head, "Are ya walkin' er drivin'?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving," said the stranger.
"Well, that's the quickest way."


----------



## Doc

With age comes wisdom.
Huh?
Apparently wisdom weights 40 lbs.


----------



## Doc

I really need to get into shape.
I realized today that if I was murdered,
my chalk outline would be a circle.


----------



## Doc

The boss over heard an employee singing during work and it sounded awful. He asked, "Is that in the key of L?"
Puzzled, the employee says, "Key of L? I'm not really sure?"
The boss replies, "Well it sure sounds like L to me!"


----------



## Doc

My mouth is like a magician's hat.
You never know what is going to come out of it.


----------



## Doc

I took my family to visit the AIR & SPACE museum...
But there was nothing there!


----------



## Doc

My days are backwards I wake up tired
And go to bed wide awake.


----------



## Doc

Isn't it funny that during a political campaign.
The air is full of speeches and vice versa?


----------



## Doc

I was struggling to figure out how lightning works 
then it struck me.


----------



## Doc

I have a buddy who drinks brake fluid,
He says that he can stop anytime he wants.


----------



## Doc

All my life I thought air was free,
until I bought a bag of chips at Walmart.


----------



## Doc

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
I can't put it down.


----------



## Doc

WORD FOR THE DAY:
Retreat (adj.) —
To get another piece of candy.


----------



## Jim_S RIP

What's the definition of divine?

It's what da grapes grow on.


----------



## Danang Sailor

Definition -- Gun Control:
_According to _Danang Sailor - The Weaver Stance 
_According to_ Senator Feinstein - Confiscating all civilian firearms and destroying them 

Definition -- Assault Weapon:
_According to _Danang Sailor - Null -- there is no such thing possessed by the military of any country anywhere in the world 
_According to_ Senator Feinstein - Any semiautomatic firearm that superficially resembles the fully automatic long arm of any military anywhere in the world 

Definition -- Silencer:
_According to _Danang Sailor - An erroneous name for what is in reality a _suppressor_.  They do *not* "silence" a firearm but simply lower the decibel level by about 30%. 
_According to_  Senator Feinstein - A device that completely eliminates any sound from a firearm, making them more dangerous to police officers 

_Please feel free to add to this list*! 
*Mods:  Move this if you think it should be somewhere else._


----------



## Doc

I was working in the yard one day when my dog ran up. In his mouth was the carcass of some creature, I couldn’t tell what. Whatever it was, it stunk to high heaven!
Apparently this did not phase the dog, he commenced to “dig in” and enjoy this foul feast.
Just about then, my neighbor dropped by and saw what the dog was doing. “You better stop him!” he said.
“Why?” I asked.
“You don’t know what that is, it might kill him!” he exclaimed.
I considered this for a moment, and decided he might be right. So I went over to take “it” away from the dog.
The dog was having none of this. First he growled to keep me away. Then he simply grabbed the mess and ran, just far enough, and started “dining” again. After a few attempts like this, I gave up.
So anyway, after a bit, he had eaten the entire thing and lay down to rest. My neighbor and I, not knowing what else to do, just watched him. All was well for about 10 minutes, when suddenly he started letting out the rankest farts I’ve ever smelled! Both my neighbor and I had to go to the other side of the yard to escape!
Anyway, after a few minutes, the dog, farting almost continuously now, began running around in circles! We didn’t know quite what to make of this, and so just kept watching. About ten to fifteen minutes later, the dog stopped and simply fell over on the ground!
“Is he dead?” asked my neighbor.
I went over to him, and saw he was still breathing and did not seem to be in any distress.
I turned to my neighbor and said, “No, I think he just ran out of gas.”


----------



## Doc

Fastest way to mess up someone's knock knock joke.
"Come in it's open"


----------



## Catavenger

Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:                  _Titty Titty Bang Bang _


----------



## Doc

What do cannibals call athletes?
Fast food!

Why don't cannibals eat clowns......They taste funny!


----------



## Doc

Frosty the snowman was spotted looking through the carrot bin at the local supermarket...

He was picking his nose.


----------



## Doc

Who takes care of the farm when the farmer is sick?


The pharmacist.


----------



## Catavenger

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”
“She did,” he replied. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”


----------



## Doc

“So Bob what did you get for Christmas?”
Then Bob says to Dan,
“Oh see that brand new red Ferrari outside?”
Dan says, “OOOOH WOW!!!”
Bob says, “Ya, I got the same exact color tie!”


----------



## Doc

I met a man who had been married for 66 years.
"Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?"
"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions and the woman just makes the little decisions."
"Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?"
"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"


----------



## Doc

11 exercises that you can do in 2018 that won't burn a single calorie!

Jogging your memory.
Throwing your weight around. 
Diving into your work. 
Jumping to conclusions. 
Swimming in paperwork. 
Wrestling with a decision. 
Bouncing ideas off a co-worker. 
Running up your credit cards. 
Letting your finger do the walking. 
Picking up the check
Skipping class.


----------



## Doc

What's an ig?

A snow house without a loo!


----------



## Doc

What do you get from sitting on the ice too long?

Polaroids!


----------



## Doc

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out just fine.

And you know what else? Uhhhh

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out just fine.


----------



## Doc

I asked my doctor today what the difference is between a cold and the flu.

He said,

"About $90."


----------



## Doc

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY = HOOCHIE

My lady found a woman's # in my cell phone and ask me

"hoochie is?"


----------



## Doc

When your retired, you got a lot of free time on your hands.

So this morning I put Super Glue in a non-stick pan.

I wanna see which one is the real deal product here.


----------



## Doc

Q: What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around watching the Super Bowl?

A: The Dallas Cowboys.


----------



## Jim_S RIP

My wife thinks I put football before marriage, even though we just celebrated our third season together


----------



## Doc

What rock group has four men who can't sing?







Mt. Rushmore.


----------



## Doc

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller!


----------



## Doc

I have six locks on my door, all in a row.

When I go out, I lock every other one.

I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks.

They are always locking three of them.


----------



## Doc

REDNECK WORD OF THE DAY:
SENSUOUS

Husband to wife, sensuous up go make me a samich.


----------



## Doc

Sometimes I wonder if it is a coincidence that morning and mourning sound alike?


----------



## Doc

This year I've got my girlfriend a Valentine's Day present that will really take her breath away.

A treadmill!


----------



## Doc

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there...

It was the bathroom.

But still.


----------



## Doc

I found out this morning that you can't use "beef stew" as a password.

It's not stroganoff!


----------



## pirate_girl

...


----------



## Doc

It was thirty years ago today that I lost my wife.

I'll never forget that card game!


----------



## Doc

Women say men are a lot like shopping carts, when you finally find one without a screwed up wheel.

It already has a woman pushing it around.


----------



## Doc

When a dog sniffs another dog’s poop

I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.


----------



## Doc

They say there's no fool like an old fool.

But I telling you, some of these young fools are showing real promise!


----------



## Doc

I believe that this daylight savings time change is by far,

the absolute lamest form of time travel.


----------



## Doc

I believe that this daylight savings time change is by far,

the absolute lamest form of time travel.


----------



## Jim_S RIP

Called my new doctors office and asked for the quickest way to get there.

 They asked if I was walking or driving. I said driving. They said "thats the quickest way"


----------



## Jim_S RIP

The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments.


----------



## Doc

In case you didn't know,
if you take all the marshmallows out of a box of Lucky Charms.

You're left with a box of Purina Cat Chow!


----------



## Doc

Woo Hoo
I just broke my personal record for,

most consecutive days lived.


----------



## Doc

Be nice to your hair stylist.

Because what's stopping them from plucking one of your hairs and putting it at a crime scene?
Nothing!


----------



## Doc

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "mashed potato" as if it were yesterday.

They include: 
Bobby Darin --- 
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash.

Herman's Hermits --- 
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

Ringo Starr --- 
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees -- - 
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip.

Roberta Flack--- 
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash --- 
I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon--- 
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver.

The Commodores --- 
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom.

Procol Harem--- 
A Whiter Shade Of Hair.

Leo Sayer --- 
You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations --- 
Papa's Got A Kidney Stone.

Tony Orlando --- 
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy --- 
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore--- 
It's My Body, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

And Last but NOT least... 
Willie Nelson --- 
On the Commode Again.


----------



## Doc

I just finished a book with 786 pages........

That is a lot of coloring.


----------



## Jim_S RIP

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year
    Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?


----------



## Jim_S RIP

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.


----------



## Doc

I think men who don’t understand women fall into two categories:

Bachelors.

Husbands.


----------



## Doc

Is it fitting for this time in this place or just cosmically perverse that the only man in America safe from sexual harassment accusations is Bill Clinton?
Dennis Miller


----------



## pirate_girl

...
Lolz


----------



## Doc

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated. Second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart.

"Walmart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Walmart?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week."


----------



## pirate_girl

...


----------



## Jim_S RIP

Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.


----------



## Doc

You owe it to yourself to become successful.

After that, you’ll owe it to the IRS.


----------



## Doc

The inventor of the throat lozenger has died.

There will be no coffin at the funeral.


----------



## Doc

Breaking news :
A nine year old girl has disappeared in Ohio after using moisturizer that makes you look ten years younger.


----------



## leadarrows

*[FONT=&quot]The rain had stopped and there was a large puddle just outside the door to the American Legion hall. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A rumpled old Navy Chief was standing near the edge with a fishing line in the puddle. A curious young Marine fighter pilot came  over to him and asked what he was doing. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Fishing,"  the old Chief simply said. "Poor old chief," the Marine officer thought  to himself and invited the old Navy Chief into  the bar for a drink. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]As he felt he should start a conversation while they were sipping their spirits, the young jet pilot winked at another pilot and  asked the Chief, "How many have you caught today?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"You're number 14," the old Chief answered, taking another sip from his double shot of 12-year-old Scotch, "2 Air Force, 3 Army  and 9 Marines". [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]*


----------



## Doc

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY:
ASBESTOS

A daughter needs help with her algebra.

Dad told her "I will do asbestos I can."


----------



## Doc

I was just in deep thought about an age old question, is it more painful for a woman to give birth? or for a man to be kicked in the privates?

I know that both hurt however many women a year or so after a Woman gives birth, they say "it would be nice to have another child".

No man ever has said "it would be nice to be kicked in the privates again".


----------



## loboloco

What did one nut say while chasing another nut?





Ima cashew!!


----------



## Doc

Yesterday at a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer.

I replied,

"No, I always give 110%."


----------



## Doc

Me: What happened to you? You don't look so good.

Friend: I got stung by a brose.

Me: There's no b in rose.

Friend: There was in this one!


----------



## Doc

A French guest, staying in a hotel in New York, phoned room service for some pepper.

"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

"Toilette pepper!" said the Frenchman.


----------



## Doc

Photons have mass?

I didn't even know they were Catholic.


----------



## Doc

I saw in TV today that China announced it will no longer buy recycled trash from the U.S.

I don't have a joke here to tell you.

I'd just wanted to give a big round of applause to whatever genius has been selling our trash to China!


----------



## Doc

My weight loss goal is,

to be able to clip my toenails and

Breathe at the same time.


----------



## Doc

I don't get many compliments.

So I was really surprised when Verizon called to say,

I had an outstanding account!


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## Doc

My neighbor knocked on my door at three in the morning today!

Can you believe that?

Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.


----------



## Doc

It is better to have loved a short woman, than never to have loved a tall.


----------



## Doc

I loved it when my dad used put me inside a tire and roll it down a hill.

Those were Goodyears!


----------



## Doc

I got pulled over by a cop tonight.

He asked if I had a police record.

Apparently "Roxanne" was not the answer he wanted to hear!


----------



## Doc

...


----------



## Doc

I've never understood why women love cats.

Cats are independent,

they don't listen,

they don't come in when you call,

they like to stay out all night, and when they're home

they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man,

they love in a cat.


----------



## Doc

A Sunday School teacher asked little Johnny, "Do you think Noah did a lot of fishing while he was on the Ark?"

Little Johnny said "

No, not with only two worms he didn't ".


----------



## loboloco

What is the difference between a cat and a frog?




A cat has nine lives while a frog croaks every night.


----------



## Doc

Different ways to see things....
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all..'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
___________________________________________
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________


----------



## Doc

I hate when homeless people shake their change cups at me.....
I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a jerk about it.


----------



## Doc

"Doctor, my child has swallowed a magnet!"

"Don't panic, the magnet should pass through his system
soon."

"How will I be sure?" she pressed.

"Stick him on the refrigerator.

When he falls off, you'll know."


----------



## Doc

I was wiping down the dust on my keyboard and when I was finished.

I realized I had just received an online degree from Strayer University.


----------



## Doc

Spelling errors frustrate me SO much.

Just mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.


----------



## Doc

The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girlfriend's father, "Son, can you support a family?"

"Well, no, sir," he replied, caught off-guard by the question. "Your daughter and I were thinking we'd just have to support ourselves, the rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## Doc

For Bob ....

I was so embarassed to be hospitalized for a whole week with kidney stones.

So when people asked me where I was?

I told them I spent a drug-filled week with the stones.


----------



## Jim_S RIP

My boss didn't come in to work today. He called this morning and said he was having a vision problem.

When I asked what was wrong, he replied, "I just can't see myself at work today."


----------



## Doc

Remember, just one spelling mistake can destroy your life.

A Husband on a trip sent this to his wife:

"I'm having a wonderful time, I wish you were her!"


----------



## Doc

My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and then waking up in bed.

I really miss teleporting.

It never happens to me anymore!


----------



## Doc

I would just like to say that me and my receding hairline go way back!


----------



## Doc

Have you heard of ....


----------



## Jim_S RIP

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.


----------



## Jim_S RIP

I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.


----------



## Jim_S RIP

I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Left Tackle?


----------



## Doc

...


----------



## Jim_S RIP

I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.


----------



## Doc

A nurse at the hospital received a call from an anxious patient.

"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.

"Are you light-headed?"  asked the nurse.

"No," the caller answered,

"I'm a brunette."


----------



## Doc

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until I finally got my license.

I inspected the photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at the picture closely.

"It's okay," he reassured, "that's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."


----------



## Jim_S RIP

I used to be schizophrenic but we're so much better now.


----------



## Jim_S RIP

I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.


----------



## Doc

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open.

Then chain the pens to the counters.


----------



## Doc

Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.

While healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.


----------



## Jim_S RIP

The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.


----------



## Jim_S RIP

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. 

If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.


----------



## Doc

Why did God create man before woman?

Because He did not want any advice.


----------



## NorthernRedneck

[emoji38][emoji12]


----------



## Doc

Starting today! 
I'm going to live everyday like it's my last.

Who would clean the house on their last day on earth?


----------



## Doc

When the fellow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people.

"Do you take children?' the man asked.

"No, sir" replied the clerk. "only cash and credit cards."


----------



## Jim_S RIP

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.


----------



## Doc

You might be a Redneck if ...

A night on the town includes city jail.

All of your relatives' cars have "Tag Stolen" signs in the rear window.

All of your relatives would have to die to wipe out illiteracy.

All your tupperware is old butter containers.

All your wall decorations have horns on them.


----------



## Jim_S RIP

Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.


----------



## FrancSevin

my wife gave me a new "T" shirt which proclaims

"Fishing saved me from being a Porn Star, Now I'm just a Hooker"
I thought it was Punny.


----------



## FrancSevin

I keep getting pop-ups that promise....; 

*End ED tonite!!!*

*Try this simple trick

Wives are Shocked!!!*

so I clicked on it...?

​ ​ ​ ​ Wait for it​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ 
Worked for me!!!!​ 





​


----------



## pirate_girl

FrancSevin said:


> I keep getting pop-ups that promise....;
> 
> *End ED tonite!!!*
> 
> *Try this simple trick
> 
> Wives are Shocked!!!*
> 
> so I clicked on it...?
> 
> ​ ​ ​ ​ Wait for it​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​
> Worked for me!!!!​
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ​


Nicole vs Viagra.
Hmmm.. might work.
:th_lmao:


----------



## Doc

A friend of mine said she doesn't understand cloning.

I told her that makes two of us!


----------



## pirate_girl

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”


----------



## Jim_S RIP

No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.


----------



## Doc

Ordered a Fitbit today. 
Visa called to see if someone stole my card !!!!


----------



## Jim_S RIP

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery 
tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## nixon




----------



## Danang Sailor

nixon said:


> View attachment 102428


Day-umm, that's a horrible pun.  



Thanks!     :th_lmao:


----------



## Doc

I am glad that I don't have to go out and hunt my food.

I don't even know where sandwiches live.


----------



## NorthernRedneck

True story


----------



## Jim_S RIP

A blonde told the auto parts clerk, "Do you have a longer dipstick for a Toyota?" 

The puzzled clerk responded, "Why do you need a longer dipstick?" She said, "Because this one no longer reaches the oil!"


----------



## nixon

Jihadist term for prostitute ......
Sheep trick ......


----------



## Doc

I want to say to the person who affixed the word coffee to the word cake.

Justifying the eating of cake for breakfast,

I salute you hero of the unhealthy!


----------



## Doc

Why were stock analysts created?

To make weather forecasters look good.


----------



## Jim_S RIP

If it's really a supercomputer, how come the bullets don't bounce off when I shoot at it?


----------



## Doc

When we are young we sneak out of the house to go to parties.

When we are old we sneak out of parties to go home.


----------



## Doc

Me: It's not how many times you fall down. It's how many times you get up.

Police officer: That's not how a field sobriety test works.


----------



## Doc

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent.


----------



## Doc

With great power

comes great electricity bills.


----------



## Doc

Sign On a Maternity Room door:
"Push! Push! Push!


----------



## Doc

Got an email today saying,

"At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!"

I thought, that's just Spam.


----------



## Doc

Sign At the Electric Company: 
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.


----------



## Doc

Sign At the Electric Company: 
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.


----------



## Doc

Being raised in farm country.

I can say I've never tipped a cow.

However, one has never served me food!


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## Doc

I can't remember how to write 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.

I AM LIVID!


----------



## Jim_S RIP

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!


----------



## Doc

I just saw on NBC Nightly News that the NFL is considering hiring a mother of three to be a referee.

I'm sure they wanted someone who's dealt with whining, constant bickering, and giving time-outs.


----------



## Doc

Have you ever noticed that getting "suspended with pay".

Only happen in government jobs?


----------



## Doc

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed.

Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!"

The other woman turned to her and said, "I know! I heard it snoring!"


----------



## Doc

If people from Poland are called Poles,

Why aren't people from Holland called Holes?


----------



## Doc

The person sitting next to me on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I used one of my pick-up lines on her.

I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”

“Yes,” she replied, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”


----------



## Doc

The judge reviews the divorce case very carefully and issues his judgement.

"Mr Smith, I am going to give your wife $750 a month."

Mr. Smith's replies, "That's very nice of you, judge. And every once in a while I will send her a little extra too."


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## Jim_S RIP

pirate_girl said:


> View attachment 103385





[ame="http://youtube.com/watch?v=9jUo-aQOV_w"]You Can't Have Your Kate and Edith, Too - YouTube[/ame]


----------



## Danang Sailor

jim slagle said:


> You Can't Have Your Kate and Edith, Too - YouTube


This song and "Bed of Rose's" are what made me a lifelong Statler fan! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fE000LFyuik


----------



## Jim_S RIP

Danang Sailor said:


> This song and "Bed of Rose's" are what made me a lifelong Statler fan!
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fE000LFyuik




The Statlers are one of my favorites!


----------



## Doc

I just sold a lawnmower on Craigslist today.

My neighbor will not wake me up early on a Saturday mowing again.


----------



## Doc

It doesn't matter how much I eat.

My shoes still fit.


----------



## Doc

A friend of mine told me there is life outside the internet.

I told her to send me the link please.


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## Doc

I think Apple has been brain-washing us for years, making us believe that their products are the best.

Just think about it, the first thing they teach us in school is that "A" is for Apple, and the best letter grade is an "A".

Well played Apple........ Well played!


----------



## Doc

I hate when I think that I have bought organic vegetables.

Only to get home and find out

There just regular donuts.


----------



## Doc

I've started reading a romance novel in braille.

It's a touching story!


----------



## Doc

My doctor told me that the lever on the side of my recliner,

is not an exercise machine.


----------



## Doc

What do you call 10 liberals standing ear to ear?

A wind tunnel.


----------



## Doc

Someone said my clothes look gay today.

I told them my clothes came out of the closet this morning!


----------



## Doc

We were playing cards the other night (Euker) and my wife come up with this:

Know why democrats are not playing cards like they used to?
None of them want to name Trump.    

LOL   Pretty good for off the cuff.


----------



## Doc

I've got to lose16 pounds before this summer is over.

I'm selling my bowling ball.

If anybody is interested!


----------



## NorthernRedneck

...


----------



## Jim_S RIP

I sometimes wonder what happened to people who have asked me for directions . . .


----------



## Doc

I told myself I should stop drinking ....


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## Doc

Light travels faster than sound.

This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


----------



## Doc

We are about $16 trillion in debt.

To understand how much money that is,

just imagine grocery shopping at Whole Foods every day of the month.


----------



## Doc

The boss over heard an employee singing during work and it sounded awful.

He asked, "Is that in the key of L?"

Puzzled, the employee says, "Key of L? I'm not really sure?"

The boss replies, "Well it sure sounds like L to me!"


----------



## Doc

I have now expanded My skill set.

I can now forget what I'm doing while I am doing it.


----------



## Doc

Two avid hunters take a hunter's safety class in which they learn that the universal signal for an emergency is three shots in the air.

Sure enough, on their next hunting trip the two men get lost.

One says to the other, "What shall we do?"

The other says, I know fire three shots in the air and someone may come to find us.

He fires off three shots, and they wait two hours. No sign of help.

What shall we do? Fire off three more shots. So he does. Three hours later there is no response and it is getting dark. The one says "Shall we try again?"

The other says, "I guess not... I only have two arrows left...


----------



## NorthernRedneck

Me:  it's not how many times you fall. It's how many times you get back up. 

Cop:  That's not how a field sobriety test is supposed to work.


----------



## Doc

All my life I thought air was free,

until I bought a bag of chips at Whole Foods.


----------



## Doc

If at first you don't succeed,

you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.


----------



## nixon

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies.
" You're just the first man who happened to catch my eye. "


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## waybomb

pirate_girl said:


> View attachment 105799



It hard to say!!!!!!! ha!


----------



## pirate_girl

waybomb said:


> It hard to say!!!!!!! ha!



That was my handiwork thru a meme maker.
I'm quick I tell ya, quick!


----------



## Doc

I was doing my job as coroner at the morgue the other night, all alone, when the paramedics brought in a fresh stiff. It was a young hippie-looking girl, with a bullet hole in her forehead. She looked to be about 25, and appeared to have died instantly. Her hippie smock dress had a few blood stains on it, and she even still had a joint in her mouth. But, I noticed, otherwise she was fine, I mean really fine. Blonde, blue eyes, and a rockin', voluptuous, curvy body. Aside from the bullet hole in her head, she had a gorgeous face, too. I looked down at the poor girl, looking so peaceful, and beautiful, and young, and I thought to myself, hmmm.... Nobody's here, I'm all alone. Nobody would see anything, nobody would ever know...should I? Could I? Would I? Man, Al, this is bad, man. Then I was like, ah fuck it, damn the torpedoes, I'm gonna go for it. You only live once. So I took the joint out of her mouth, took out my lighter, lit it up and smoked it...


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## Doc

Some people probably don't know this.

Military barbers shave their privates.


----------



## Doc

You know what seems odd to me?

Numbers that are not divisible by 2.


----------



## Doc

Do you know what the definition of a will is?

It's a dead giveaway.


----------



## Doc

According to a new study out of Harvard today, it is easier for people to be moral in the morning.

The study says people are more moral at the beginning of the day, but they become more dishonest as the day goes on.

So I guess when people say "Congress is as dishonest as the day is long,"

We now have scientific proof!!!


----------



## Doc

I've decided I'm over this daylight savings time thing. I won't do that whole "turn your clock back" routine this year.

From now on if you need me,

I'll be in the future!!!!


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## Danang Sailor

pirate_girl said:


> View attachment 106538



Canada Bob Jones' Law:
A Smith and Wesson beats four of a kind.

The Law of Selective Gravity:
Any tool, when dropped, will land where it can do the maximum damage.

Intelligence Law:  Wisdom always seems to resemble simply being too tired.


----------



## Doc

Wow apparently it's "rude" to ask the parents of a kid on a leash if it was a rescue


----------



## Doc

I opened my electric bill at the same time I opened my water bill.

I was shocked!


----------



## Doc

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman,

"Which book has helped you most in your life?"

The woman replied,

"That would be my husband's check book."


----------



## Doc

Well, I can't afford health insurance anymore.

But the good news is, I still have car insurance.

So whenever I get really sick, I'll just go crash my car into a tree.


----------



## Doc

A guy calls 911 in a panic. My wife is having a baby. Her contractions are only one minute apart.

Calm down the 911 operator says. Is this her first child.

No you idiot the guy shouts.

This is her husband!


----------



## Doc

...


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## Doc

Turns out they give the flu shot in the arm these days.

So basically there was really no reason for me to drop my pants in front of about twenty old women at Walgreens this morning.


----------



## EastTexFrank

Doc said:


> Turns out they give the flu shot in the arm these days.
> 
> So basically there was really no reason for me to drop my pants in front of about twenty old women at Walgreens this morning.



If you got it, flaunt it.


----------



## Doc

So ..... RSVP


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## NorthernRedneck

Do you realize that if you are sitting on the toilet at 11:59pm and the clock strikes midnight, it's the same $hit different day?

Canadian eh!!!


----------



## Doc

Some woman this morning was so impressed with my driving, that she got next to me just to show me she was not wearing a ring.

Thanks hun, but it's the wrong finger!


----------



## Doc

The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home.

"The only consolation I can find in these awful grades," lamented the father.

"I know he's not cheating on his exams."


----------



## Doc

Today I called an old Coast Guard buddy and asked what was he doing. 
He replied that he was working on "Aqua-Thermal Treatment of Ceramics, Aluminum, and Steel under a Constrained Environment."
I was impressed.
Until I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water, under his wife's supervision.


----------



## NorthernRedneck

Hahahaha

Canadian eh!!!


----------



## NorthernRedneck

Teacher: what comes after 69?

Student:  mouthwash 

Teacher:  get out! 

Canadian eh!!!


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## NorthernRedneck

I was laying in bed last night when my wife told me to make her scream with just one finger. So I poked her in the eye. 

Canadian eh!!!


----------



## NorthernRedneck

When your wife says "Correct me if I'm wrong", don't....I mean.....DON'T do it. It's a trap!

Canadian eh!!!


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## Danang Sailor

pirate_girl said:


> View attachment 108217



I just *love* good puns.    Thanks!


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## Doc

Teacher: "How much is half of 8?"

Little Johnny: "Up and down or across?"

Teacher: "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny: "Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0!"


----------



## Doc

My Stoner friend lost his job at the cemetery today because he buried someone in the wrong hole.

It was a grave mistake!


----------



## Doc

Lately, the way my luck is going,

I'll probably be reincarnated as me.


----------



## NorthernRedneck

I thought I would turn veagan but realized that would be a missed steak. 

Canadian eh!!!


----------



## NorthernRedneck

I paid for a 12 month gym membership. My credit card company called to ask if it was stolen. 

Canadian eh!!!


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## FrancSevin

I applied for a job in the men’s underwear department at a local store, I started my big presentation to the department manager but he stopped me and told me to be brief.


----------



## NorthernRedneck

Law...
	

	
	
		
		

		
			
		
		
	


	




Canadian eh!!!


----------



## Danang Sailor

NorthernRedneck said:


> Law...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Canadian eh!!!




Canada Bob Jones Law:

A Smith & Wesson beats four of a kind.


----------



## Doc

The spell czech on my computer has never failed me!


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## NorthernRedneck

What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? 

Snowballs. 

Canadian eh!!!


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## NorthernRedneck

If a bullterrier and a shitzu had a puppy,  would it be called a "bullshit"?

Canadian eh!!!


----------



## Danang Sailor

NorthernRedneck said:


> If a bullterrier and a shitzu had a puppy,  would it be called a "bullshit"?
> 
> Canadian eh!!!



Or just a Democrat?


----------



## Doc

I was shocked ...


----------



## Doc




----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## pirate_girl

"I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it" Robert Benchley


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## NorthernRedneck

The last wedding I went to was real emotional. 

Even the cake was in tiers. 

Canadian eh!!!


----------



## NorthernRedneck

...
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




Canadian eh!!!


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## Doc

...


----------



## Doc

I'm doing crunches twice a day now.

Captain in the morning,

Nestle in the evening!


----------



## Doc

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.


----------



## Doc

Insurance claim ...


----------



## Doc

How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate. "Terrible! " the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." " Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner!


----------



## Doc

*All men are born free and equal, but then lots of them grow up and get married.*


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## Doc

Julia's mother asked her, "Why are you feeding birdseed to the cat?"

"Because," Julia answered, "that's where my canary is."


----------



## NorthernRedneck

I asked siri to list all of trudeau's lies. It hasn't shut up for 3 days. 

Canadian eh!!!


----------



## NorthernRedneck

I survived a bear attack with a .22 caliber pistol. 

My buddy wasn't as lucky as I shot him in the knee. 

Canadian eh!!!


----------



## Doc

I want to learn how to drive a stick shift.

However I can't find a manual.


----------



## Doc

Oral vs Rectal ...


----------



## Doc

I just finished a book 786 pages.

That is a lot of coloring.


----------



## Doc

I think men who don’t understand women fall into two categories:

Bachelors.

Husbands.


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## Doc

My doctor operated on the wrong side of my brain.

I have half a mind to sue
him.


----------



## NorthernRedneck

You know when you buy a bag of salad and if you don't use it, it turns all brown and wilted. 

Cookies don't do that. Just saying.....

Canadian eh!!!


----------



## Doc

Death and taxes are inevitable, but death doesn't repeat itself.

---------------

We wonder why they call them "tax returns"? when so little of it does.

---------------

Ambition in America is still rewarded . . . with high taxes.

---------------

America is the land of opportunity. Everybody can become a taxpayer.

-------------------

There was a time when $1000.00 was the down-payment on a car; now it's the sales tax.


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## NorthernRedneck

Why did the rooster go to KFC?

He wanted to see the chicken strip. 

Canadian eh!!!


----------



## Doc

Sausagephobia


----------



## NorthernRedneck

....that moment when your flamboyantly gay waiter looks at you and asks if he can grab anything else.  

Canadian eh!!!


----------



## pirate_girl

Whenever I see a toddler out in public in one of those safety harnesses with a leash, I want to walk up and pat them on the head and ask the parents if they were a stray or adopted?


----------



## Danang Sailor

pirate_girl said:


> Whenever I see a toddler out in public in one of those safety harnesses with a leash, I want to walk up and pat them on the head and ask the parents if they were a stray or adopted?



We used one of those for our first and were often reproached by complete strangers because of our "cruelty".  And yet ... he really enjoyed it!  It gave him an amount of freedom much greater than if we were holding him by the hand but still kept him completely safe.  This seems to be one of those "walk a mile in his moccasins" things.


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## Doc




----------



## Doc

...


----------



## NorthernRedneck

...
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




Canadian eh!!!


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## Doc

///


----------



## Doc

...


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## Doc

...


----------



## Doc

...


----------



## Doc

...


----------



## Doc

...


----------



## Doc

...


----------



## Doc

My weight loss goal is,

to be able to clip my toenails and

Breathe at the same time.


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## Doc

An Old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg.

“It’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.”

“That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.”

“How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor.

“Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”


----------



## Doc

Wine Stoppers Are for Quitters!!!!!


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## Doc

Wouldn't it be great if mosquitoes sucked fat, not blood.

Everybody would be camping or fishing!


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## NorthernRedneck

I just heard Walmart is going to open up dental clinics in their stores. 

They plan to have express lanes for people who have 10 teeth or less. 

Canadian eh!!!


----------



## Doc

What is the longest word in the English language?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Smiles, there is a mile between the S’s


----------



## Doc

The only time you don't wish you had a bigger boat is when you’re waxing it


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## Doc

I was really disappointed today when I learned that landlady.

Was not the opposite of mermaid.


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## Doc

I'm glad to be  semi healthy at my age,

my teeth and I still sleep together!


----------



## Doc

A nurse at the hospital received a call from an anxious patient.

"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.

"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.

"No," the caller answered,

"I'm a brunette."


----------



## NorthernRedneck

Time for a stool sample for the doctor. 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




Canadian eh!!!


----------



## Doc

What you call a man with no body but a nose?

Nobody Nose


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## Doc

When I was a kid, my brother took going to jail really badly.

He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.


----------



## Doc

Last night I asked a friend to spell wonton backwards.

She said not now!


----------



## Doc

I'm probably not going to get accepted into the Optimist Club again this year!


----------



## Doc

If you've never tried blindfolded archery.

You don't know what you're missing!


----------



## Bannedjoe

My ex used to ask, "How come you don't take out the garbage?"
I'd respond, "Why? You cooked it!"


----------



## Doc

...


----------



## NorthernRedneck

...
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




Sent from my SM-G965U1 using Tapatalk


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## NorthernRedneck

It's so hot that each time I fart I have to check if I shit myself or if I just stirred the sweat on my arse. 

Sent from my SM-G965U1 using Tapatalk


----------



## Doc

Do you know why President Trump doesn't wear glasses at 73 years old?

Because he's got 2020!


----------



## NorthernRedneck

Where did captain hook get his hook? 


At a second hand store. 

Sent from my SM-G965U1 using Tapatalk


----------



## Doc

...


----------



## NorthernRedneck

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose. 

Sent from my SM-G965U1 using Tapatalk


----------



## Doc

My doctor told me yesterday to start watching what I eat.

Anybody know what channel 
the Ice Cream Network is on?


----------



## NorthernRedneck

Lol
	

	
	
		
		

		
			
		
		
	


	




Sent from my SM-G965U1 using Tapatalk


----------



## NorthernRedneck

Why don't vegans moan during sex?

Because they don't want anyone to know that a piece of meat makes them happy. 

Sent from my SM-G965U1 using Tapatalk


----------



## Doc

A West Virginia state trooper, stopped a woman for going 15 miles over the speed limit.

After he handed her a ticket, she asked him,

"Don't you give out warnings?"

"Yes, ma'am," he replied. "They're all up and down the road. They say, 'Speed Limit 55.'"


----------



## Doc

...


----------



## Doc

My friend David had his id stolen the other day.

Now we just call him Dav.


----------



## Doc

I saw a kidnapping the other day,

I decided to let him sleep.


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## Doc

When women hold off from marrying men, they call it,

Independence.

When men hold off from marrying women, they call it,

Fear of commitment.


----------



## NorthernRedneck

I recently took a pole. 

Everyone in the tent became upset when it collapsed. 

Sent from my SM-G965U1 using Tapatalk


----------



## Doc

“'It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future."
- Yogi Berra


----------



## Doc

You're only young once.

After that, you need some other excuse for acting like an idiot.


----------



## NorthernRedneck

...
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




Sent from my SM-G965U1 using Tapatalk


----------



## Doc

...


----------



## Doc

Teacher: What is an island?

Student : A piece of land surrounded by water except on one side.

Teacher : On one side?

Student : Yes, on top!


----------



## NorthernRedneck

...
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




Sent from my SM-G965U1 using Tapatalk


----------



## FrancSevin

We had a power outage at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down. Then I discovered that my mobile phone battery was dead and, to top it off, it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf and I decided to change the antifreeze in my Crossfire.


I then went to the garage only to find it was too dark to see and the garage doors wouldn’t open. I returned to the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a couple of hours.


She seems like a nice person.


----------



## Doc

*HE MUST PAY*
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake.

I am coming to live with you.


----------



## Doc

...


----------



## Doc

I wanted to watch the world Origami Championship on TV today.

However it was only on paper view.


----------



## Bannedjoe

Doc said:


> I wanted to watch the world Origami Championship on TV today.
> 
> However it was only on paper view.


...


----------



## Doc

Redneck words of the day

Spearmint: Billy Ray doin’ some type of spearmint in school.

Clinics: You got any clinics so I could wipe my nose?


----------



## greatdiscovery

“Daddy, what is an alcoholic?”
-
“Do you see those 4 trees, son? An alcoholic would see 8 trees.”
-
“Um, Dad – there are only 2 trees.”

from https://short-funny.com/funniest-jokes-3.php


----------



## Doc

America is over $16 trillion dollars in debt, to put that in context.

Imagine shopping at Whole Foods every day for a month.


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## Doc

...


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## Bannedjoe

Doc said:


> ...



That is indeed a groaner.


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## EastTexFrank

Bannedjoe said:


> That is indeed a groaner.



I'll second that.


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## Bannedjoe

Should this be in the jokes forum or groaners......
I'm guessing groaners.


Bottom of the ninth, score was tied, 2 outs, 2 strikes, 3 balls, bases loaded.
The countries sweetheart, Mel Famey was pitching.
Mel was pitching the last game of the season for the prize of winning the world series after a serious summer of excessing drinking.
His drinking had gotten so bad that his career was on the line. He tried time and time again to quit, but to no avail.
The pressure was proving to be too much. He snuck a few drinks during the game and it was beginning to show.
He threw what was sadly the last pitch of the game.

The ump yelled, Ball four!

He had lost the world series by one run.

After the stands had cleared, a couple players from the opposing team were walking across the field to their cars.

As they passed the pitchers mound, one looked down, pointed to a crushed can, and ask the other, What is that????

The other looked up and said....




That, was the beer that made Mel Famey walk us.


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## NorthernRedneck

Lol
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




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## NorthernRedneck

...
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




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## NorthernRedneck

I lasted an hour and three minutes last night making love to my wife. 

Thank you daylight savings time change. 

[emoji1787][emoji1787][emoji1787]

Sent from my SM-G965U1 using Tapatalk


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## pirate_girl




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## NorthernRedneck

...
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




Sent from my SM-G965U1 using Tapatalk


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## NorthernRedneck

I must have dreamed that I was a muffler last night. 

When I woke up this morning, I was exhausted. 

Sent from my SM-G965U1 using Tapatalk


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## NorthernRedneck

Humpty dumpty found summer a little hot.....

...but he had a great fall!

Sent from my SM-G965U1 using Tapatalk


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## NorthernRedneck

If your palm itches, you're going to get something. 

If your crotch itches, you already got it. 

Sent from my SM-G965U1 using Tapatalk


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## Doc

...


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## NorthernRedneck

Is buttcheeks one word?

Or should I spread them apart? 

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## NorthernRedneck

Uh oh. 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




Sent from my SM-G965U1 using Tapatalk


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## pirate_girl




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## Doc




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## Doc

My neighbors had to choose between braces for their kid's teeth or a new boat.

They said they did the right thing and named the boat "Bucky" after their kid.


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## NorthernRedneck

What Christmas Carol is popular at a psychiatric hospital? 

Do you hear what I hear?


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## Doc

A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job.


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## Doc

A guy walks into a pharmacy: “I have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like I’m about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?”
-
Pharmacists: “Nope, I feel fine.”


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## NorthernRedneck

Good news if you wear glasses. 

Pretty soon you'll be able to see 2020.


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## NorthernRedneck

...


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## NorthernRedneck

I just opened a Christmas card and rice fell out. 

It was from uncle Ben.


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## Doc

Doctor says to his patient: “Your liver results are back. And frankly, they’re very surprising considering that I only allowed you one glass of wine per week.”
-
The patient shrugs: “Do you really think you are the only doctor I am going to?”


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## Doc

Does anybody know what Adam said to his wife on December 24?

Merry Christmas Eve!!!


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## NorthernRedneck

In the news....


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## NorthernRedneck

If I were to work as a security guard at a Samsung phone store, would that make me the "guardian of the galaxy"?

[emoji848]


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## Doc

A lady who was speeding had an officer pull her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.

After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"

"Yes, I do, officer," she replied.

"Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"


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## pirate_girl




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## Doc

Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.


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## Doc

A wife and husband were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

Husband asked her, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed,

'He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' Husband said,

'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'


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## NorthernRedneck

Yep


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## Doc

"People should just mind their own business''.

Is probably the funniest thing I've ever read on a social networking site.


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## Doc




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## NorthernRedneck

...


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## NorthernRedneck

What kind of Dr is Dr pepper?

A fizzician.


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## Bannedjoe

What do you call an Egyptian prince with a degree in plumbing?







Turn computer upside down to read answer.

 ɹoɾɐɯ ʇǝɔnɐɟ ɥoɐɹɐɥd ɐ


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## NorthernRedneck

...


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## NorthernRedneck

Breaking story....

Shipment of viagra stolen. Cops are looking for the hardened criminals.


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## Doc

If lawyers are disbarred and

clergymen defrocked,

doesn't it follow that

electricians can be delighted,

musicians denoted,

cowboys deranged,

models deposed,

tree surgeons debarked, and

dry cleaners depressed?


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## JimVT

I just won a free trip to china. think i'll give it to a friend.


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## NorthernRedneck

Justin Trudeau just banned the sale of Mexican beer in Canada in an attempt to stop the coronavirus. 

[emoji12]


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## FrancSevin

NorthernRedneck said:


> Justin Trudeau just banned the sale of Mexican beer in Canada in an attempt to stop the coronavirus.
> 
> [emoji12]



:th_lmao:


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## NorthernRedneck

Um....yah.....so....


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## NorthernRedneck

My doctor told me my sugar was too high. 

So I came home and lowered it from a shelf onto the counter. 

Don't ask google why cornflakes were invented.


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## NorthernRedneck

Tequila won't fix all my problems but it's worth a shot. 

Don't ask google why cornflakes were invented.


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## Doc




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## Doc

What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?

A private tutor.


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## NorthernRedneck

I wasn't planning on going for a run today. 

But those cops came out of nowhere. 

Don't ask google why cornflakes were invented.


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## NorthernRedneck

Who'd have thought?
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




Don't ask google why cornflakes were invented.


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## Doc

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak?

February 14th!


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## Doc

This year I've got my girlfriend a Valentine's Day present that will really take her breath away.

A treadmill!


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## Doc

A husband and wife had a fight.

Wife called her mom: He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you.

Mom: No dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!


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## NorthernRedneck

What does welfare give to an alligator?

Gator aid.


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## NorthernRedneck

Breaking news. 

Man with Corona virus is searching for a woman with lyme disease.


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## Bannedjoe

NorthernRedneck said:


> Breaking news.
> 
> Man with Corona virus is searching for a woman with lyme disease.


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## NorthernRedneck

Gaaaaahhhh


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## pirate_girl




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## NorthernRedneck

...


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## Doc

What is Forrest Gump's Password?

1Forrest1


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## FrancSevin

Remember back when some people thought Sarah Palin was the craziest person in politics! Good Times! 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




__________________


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## NorthernRedneck

If a person who works in a morgue does, they would still be required to go to work one last time.


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## NorthernRedneck

Toilet paper: $12/roll Gas: under $2/gallon 
Weed is legal.  
2020 has the ultimate choice. [emoji1787][emoji1787][emoji1787]
Ass, Gas, or Grass?


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## NorthernRedneck

What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

A hippo weighs about  2 tonnes, a zippo is a little lighter. [emoji23]


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## NorthernRedneck

....


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## NorthernRedneck

Corona Isn't Trump's fault. 
Ebola wasn't Obama's. 
Sars wasn't Bush's 
and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's


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## NorthernRedneck

...


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## EastTexFrank

NorthernRedneck said:


> ...



Oh Lord!  That's the worst one I've seen in a long while.  Congratulations.


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## Bannedjoe

NorthernRedneck said:


> ...



This one make me want to physically hurt someone.


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## NorthernRedneck

What kind of jokes are appropriate during the coronavirus outbreak? 

Inside jokes![emoji1787]


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## JimVT

NorthernRedneck said:


> What kind of jokes are appropriate during the coronavirus outbreak?
> 
> Inside jokes![emoji1787]



who sells body bags?


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## EastTexFrank

JimVT said:


> who sells body bags?



 I dunno but I'm in for two.  Send me the bill.


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## NorthernRedneck

...


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## NorthernRedneck

....


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## NorthernRedneck

...


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## NorthernRedneck

Alcohol won't fix my problems but it's worth a shot (or two)


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## NorthernRedneck

I wondered last night where the sun went. 

When I woke up, it dawned on me.


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## NorthernRedneck

I cleaned my TV Screen with anti-virus wipes...

I lost @CBSNews, @ABCNews, @MSNBCNews, @GlobalNews, and @CNN.


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## NorthernRedneck

I didn't think I needed orthopedic shoes.

But I stand corrected.


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## NorthernRedneck

Is it just me, or does Justin Trudeau remind you of a cuckoo clock [emoji937]? 

Comes out of the house, annoys you, goes back inside... comes out again, annoys you, goes back in..


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## Jim_S RIP

NorthernRedneck said:


> Is it just me, or does Justin Trudeau remind you of a cuckoo clock [emoji937]?
> 
> Comes out of the house, annoys you, goes back inside... comes out again, annoys you, goes back in..



You do realize you’ve described several politicians on both sides of the border! :th_lmao:


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## NorthernRedneck

What do you call it when an Inmate gets Tased?

Shock- a-con!


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## NorthernRedneck

I just read that the inventor of the original throat lozenge has died. 

There will be no coffin at his funeral.


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## Doc




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## Doc

A pirate walks into a bar w a paper towel for a hat. The bar tender says, " I've seen a lot of weird stuff in here, but do you know you have a paper towel as a hat?"

Pirate says, "Aargh... I've got a Bounty on me head!"


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## Bannedjoe

Doc said:


> A pirate walks into a bar w a paper towel for a hat. The bar tender says, " I've seen a lot of weird stuff in here, but do you know you have a paper towel as a hat?"
> 
> Pirate says, "Aargh... I've got a Bounty on me head!"


Badum tish!


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## Doc




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## Doc




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## Doc




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## Doc

I’ve started answering my phone,

Wake County Sheriff Dept. Fraud Division.

The telemarketing calls have stopped.


----------



## Doc




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## Doc

While shopping earlier today,I picked up some chicken legs.Just before the young lady rang them up, I asked if she knew whether they were front or back legs. She paused for a moment,read everything she could on the package and not finding the answer said; "I don't know. Let me go ask my manager". She came back a few minutes later ,looked at me.and said, NOT FUNNY!! I said, I'm sorry but I thought it was. The guy behind me laughing hysterically blurted out.....NOT FUNNY, IT WAS HILARIOUS


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## Bannedjoe

Doc said:


> While shopping earlier today,I picked up some chicken legs.Just before the young lady rang them up, I asked if she knew whether they were front or back legs. She paused for a moment,read everything she could on the package and not finding the answer said; "I don't know. Let me go ask my manager". She came back a few minutes later ,looked at me.and said, NOT FUNNY!! I said, I'm sorry but I thought it was. The guy behind me laughing hysterically blurted out.....NOT FUNNY, IT WAS HILARIOUS



When getting checked out at the grocery, I've often held up the TP and asked the gal if she thought this was enough for the amount of food I was buying.


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## Jim_S RIP

Doc said:


> While shopping earlier today,I picked up some chicken legs.Just before the young lady rang them up, I asked if she knew whether they were front or back legs. She paused for a moment,read everything she could on the package and not finding the answer said; "I don't know. Let me go ask my manager". She came back a few minutes later ,looked at me.and said, NOT FUNNY!! I said, I'm sorry but I thought it was. The guy behind me laughing hysterically blurted out.....NOT FUNNY, IT WAS HILARIOUS





Bannedjoe said:


> When getting checked out at the grocery, I've often held up the TP and asked the gal if she thought this was enough for the amount of food I was buying.




Remind me to not go shopping with you guys :th_lmao:


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## NorthernRedneck

What sign would you see on a brothel during the covid pandemic? 

Beat it!  We're closed.


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## NorthernRedneck

Lol


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## NorthernRedneck

This one's for pirate girl.


----------



## Doc




----------



## Doc




----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## NorthernRedneck

Anyone need a toe truck?


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## FrancSevin

Doc said:


> I’ve started answering my phone,
> 
> Wake County Sheriff Dept. Fraud Division.
> 
> The telemarketing calls have stopped.




My dad would answer "County Morgue.  You stab 'em we slab 'em!"


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## bczoom

FrancSevin said:


> My dad would answer "County Morgue.  You stab 'em we slab 'em!"


I used to do that sometimes.  One time, it was my father calling to tell me his brother died.  Never used that opening line again.


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## pirate_girl




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## NorthernRedneck

Lmao.


----------



## NorthernRedneck

Buy Justin Trudeau a plane ticket, he flies once. 

Push him out of an airplane door at 30000 feet, he flies for the rest of his life.


----------



## NorthernRedneck

How does a milk cow fart?

It uses it's dairy-aire.


----------



## NorthernRedneck

...


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## NorthernRedneck

John and Lorena Bobbitt are quite the pair. 

She's crazy and he's just nuts.


----------



## Lenny

Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas.  What he was doing in my pajamas I'll never know. - Groucho Marx


----------



## FrancSevin

Venison for dinner again? Oh, deer!
•How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
•England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
•I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
•They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo
•I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
•Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
•I know a guy addicted to brake fluid - he says he can stop any time.
•I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, then it dawned on me.
•This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
•When chemists die, they barium.
•I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down
•I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
•Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
•When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
•Broken pencils are pointless.
•What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
•I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
•I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
•Velcro is a big rip off!
•Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.


----------



## FrancSevin

# 13 says, " I'm the unluckiest number in the world."

# 666 says, " I am the worst number in the world."


# 2020 says, " HOLD MY BEER."


----------



## NorthernRedneck

...


----------



## NorthernRedneck

...


----------



## NorthernRedneck

SAD NIGHT IN BASEBALL.
FOUL BALL KILLED TWO CARDBOARD FANS.
DEATHS ATTRIBUTED TO CORONA VIRUS. [emoji23]


----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## Doc




----------



## Doc




----------



## Doc

What do UFO's and smart liberals have in common?

You keep hearing about them,

however never see any.


----------



## Doc

:th_lmao:


----------



## Doc

:th_lmao:


----------



## Doc

:th_lmao:


----------



## NorthernRedneck

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.


----------



## Doc

My doctor tried to tell me that the lever on the side of my recliner, doesn’t make it an exercise machine.


----------



## NorthernRedneck

...


----------



## NorthernRedneck

Don't be upset with lazy people. 


They didn't do anything.


----------



## NorthernRedneck

Somebody threw a Jar of mayonnaise at me...I was like "What The Hellman"...

I talk to myself to get an expert opinion.


----------



## Doc




----------



## Kaper

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last !


----------



## EastTexFrank

Kaper said:


> Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last !



Thanks!


----------



## Doc

They say exercise can add years to your life.

Today I ran 2 mi. and now I feel like I am 78.


----------



## NorthernRedneck

...
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




I talk to myself to get an expert opinion.


----------



## Doc




----------



## NorthernRedneck

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Follow the fresh prints.

I talk to myself to get an expert opinion.


----------



## NorthernRedneck

...
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




I talk to myself to get an expert opinion.


----------



## Bannedjoe

...


----------



## pirate_girl

View attachment 131011


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## NorthernRedneck

I just found out how to turn my dish washer into a snow plow...I bought her a shovel.


----------



## Doc

NorthernRedneck said:


> I just found out how to turn my dish washer into a snow plow...I bought her a shovel.



You're so bad ...but that is funny as hell.   :th_lmao:


----------



## FrancSevin

Doc said:


> You're so bad ...but that is funny as hell. :th_lmao:



My wife didn't think so??


----------



## NorthernRedneck

FrancSevin said:


> My wife didn't think so??


[emoji1787][emoji1787][emoji1787][emoji1787][emoji1787]


----------



## NorthernRedneck

...


----------



## NorthernRedneck

...


----------



## pirate_girl

View attachment 131110


----------



## NorthernRedneck

Sometimes it's hard to just LEGO.


----------



## NorthernRedneck




----------



## NorthernRedneck




----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## NorthernRedneck




----------



## NorthernRedneck




----------



## NorthernRedneck




----------



## NorthernRedneck

The instructions said to cut the bottom 6" of the trunk and put it in the stand...


----------



## NorthernRedneck




----------



## NorthernRedneck




----------



## NorthernRedneck

I'm not going out in the woods. There's too many bugs.


----------



## Kaper

Here's a real groaner for you...............


Besides Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and Rudolph there was one more reindeer. Do you know her name ?

(go down)















Its  Olive,










 Olive the other reindeer!


----------



## NorthernRedneck

I just realized that on January 1st 2021, hindsight is 2020.


----------



## NorthernRedneck




----------



## EastTexFrank

I think that you are now the proud owner of three of the top five.  Congratulations.


----------



## NorthernRedneck




----------



## NorthernRedneck

What do you call a rabbit with fleas?  

Bugs bunny!


----------



## NorthernRedneck




----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## NorthernRedneck

Someone threw a bottle of mayo at me. 

I was like.."What the hellman!"


----------



## NorthernRedneck




----------



## pirate_girl




----------



## Doc

Thanks PG.   
This thread is now closed.   
Please see the new version of the thread at:  https://www.forumsforums.com/threads/tidbits-and-groaners-part-2-2021.88084/


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