# Totally offensive jokes . . .



## Melensdad

1.  A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!

2.  Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. ..... It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!" 

3.  I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day. 

4.  Sorry for not calling you on New Year’s, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party. In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in. 

5.  My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I am coming or going. "I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going - 'cus when you're coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!" 

6.  I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what? 

7.  The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?" .... Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.

8.  A guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, "Fuck that - knowing my luck, I'd win one!"


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## waybomb

I needed that!


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## squerly

OMG I'm in tears


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## jpr62902

Waddya tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

 v
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 Nuthin.  She's already been told twice.


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## waybomb

I swear I will use number 5 one day.


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## TOMLESCOEQUIP

A baby seal walks into a club.............


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## Melensdad

waybomb said:


> I swear I will use number 5 one day.



Call me the day before you plan to use it.  I'll want to clear my calendar so I have time to attend your funeral.


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## Danang Sailor

What's the worst thing about getting your keys locked        in your car outside an abortion clinic? Going in to ask for a coat        hanger.


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## Doc

Son home for a visit from College:

Dad: How are things going at school?

Son: Great Dad

Dad: Are things working out OK with your roommate?

Son: Yeah, but I think he's gay.

Dad: Why do you think that?

Son:  Well ...  cause his dick tastes like shit.


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## OhioTC18 RIP

Doc said:


> Son home for a visit from College:
> 
> Dad: How are things going at school?
> 
> Son: Great Dad
> 
> Dad: Are things working out OK with your roommate?
> 
> Son: Yeah, but I think he's gay.
> 
> Dad: Why do you think that?
> 
> Son:  Well ...  cause his dick tastes like shit.


ewwww


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## Lenny

Melensdad, good ones!!!!


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## Melensdad

What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?   Their last big hit was The Wall.




Why can't Miss Piggy count to a hundred?    Because at 69, she gets a frog in her throat.




What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
*gggaahhhhkkkkcccchhhh* (insert gagging noise)​





TOMLESCOEQUIP said:


> A baby seal walks into a club.............



The way I heard it was:
A baby seal walks into a bar. The bartender asks what he would like to drink. The baby seal responds "Canadian Club on the rocks."​


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## Reuben Goldberg




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## Melensdad

A Chicagoan is tired of winter so he decides to move south.  He packs his car, then ties his snowblower to the roof of the car.  Watching the activity next door, the neighbor walks over and asks what is happened.  The guy says I'm moving south and I'll know I've gone far enough south when I find someone who points to the roof of my car and asks me "what is that machine."

So the guy moves south and is happy for a few years.

But then he decides he needs to move again.  So he packs up his car and ties a black man to the roof of the car . . . .


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## Snowtrac Nome

any one know what rodeo sex is ? that would be when you are doing it doggie style, you shout out this is your sisters favorite position, than try to hang on for 8 seconds.

 Chelsea Clinton see's her mom walking around but naked she asks what her pubic hair is. Hillary explains it what it is and say when she turns 12 she will start to grow some. than bill walks out of the john and was zipping up his pants. again Chelsea asks what that thing is between his legs. Bill explains it is his Johnson. Again Chelsea Asks when she will get one Bill says as soon as your mom goes to visit Janet Reno.  

 Sorry they are pretty tasteless


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## Burgundy

A man and his wife are supposed to go hunting this morning. They end up over sleeping a few minutes.

Man: Hurry wake up and get ready, we're going huntin.

Wife: I fon't wanna go huntin.

Man: You got three choices. Either we go huntin, you let me do you in the ass, or you're giving me a blowjob. Hurry up and decide while I go get the dogs ready.

The man leaves and comes back.

Wife: Well I still don't want to go huntin, I sure as hell ain't doin anal, so I guess I'll give you a blow job.

The wife starts giving him a blowjob, stop abruptly and looks up..

Wife: Why does your dick taste like shit.

Man: The dogs didn't wanna go huntin either.


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## waybomb

Burgundy said:


> Man: The dogs didn't wanna go huntin either.




Musta been in Wisconsin............


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## waybomb

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th  anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years  ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in  front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."


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## waybomb

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a  gun. 

He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank  vault.

She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open  it now!!!" he replies. 

So she opens the door to the vault and inside are  all the sperm samples. 

The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples  and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO  IT!". 

So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as  well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. 

Finally after 4 samples  the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that  hard."


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## waybomb

So today I went out, rearranged and covered my illegal marijuana pots with a tarp shaped like a 777.


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## waybomb

A twin-engine passenger plane has an engine failure and the altitude and  speed are decreasing rapidly. The pilot speaks over the intercom...  "I'm sorry it has come to this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately  we are going to have to jettison the luggage in order for the aircraft  to remain airborne".

Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's altitude continues to  decrease. Once again the pilot gets on the intercom "I hate to do this  folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to start  off-loading some passengers. The only fair way is to do this  alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter A".

"Africans? Are there any Africans on board?" There was no answer so the  pilot calls "Black people, are there any black people on board?" Again  silence.

"C - coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board?"

Still there is silence. A little black boy sitting near the rear of the  plane turned to his mother and said "Mum, ain't we African? Ain't we  black? Ain't we coloured?"

She replied "Yes, son but for the moment we is Niggers. Let them do the Muslims first. If that don't work we is Zulus"...


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## Leni

Smart mom.


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## Lenny

Waybomb, good one!!!


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## Wee Willy

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"


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## 300 H and H




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## TOMLESCOEQUIP

*Found the plane !*

Hey Little buddy, you f ' n speak Chinese ?


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## waybomb

HOW TO GET  RID OF FIRE ANTS
 
Go  to Home Depot and buy two cans of black spray paint.

Go  home and stir up the ant mounds and the area around them with an old stick.

Use  at least 1/2 can of spray per mound and area around them.

Once  the Ants realize they are living in black neighborhoods, they quit working and start killing each other.


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## TOMLESCOEQUIP

Little Johnny!....
A teacher asks each of the kids in class what they need at home.
Joey says "A computer." The teacher replies, "That would be very useful."
Kimmy says "A new lawn mower." and gets a similar
response.
Little Johnny pops up and says "At my house we don't need anything!"
The teacher asks him to think again carefully, as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, "No I'm sure. When *Obama* was
re-elected, I remember my dad saying,
'Well, that's *the last fucking thing we needed.*


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## Kane

TOMLESCOEQUIP said:


> Little Johnny!....
> A teacher asks each of the kids in class what they need at home.
> Joey says "A computer." The teacher replies, "That would be very useful."
> Kimmy says "A new lawn mower." and gets a similar
> response.
> Little Johnny pops up and says "At my house we don't need anything!"
> The teacher asks him to think again carefully, as everybody needs something.
> Little Johnny replies, "No I'm sure. When *Obama* was
> re-elected, I remember my dad saying,
> 'Well, that's *the last fucking thing we needed.*


Funny, I don't find this joke offensive at all.


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## Melensdad

Kane said:


> Funny, I don't find this joke offensive at all.



Ditto.  And I read it to all the guys at the cigar lounge and they laughed.


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## waybomb

Why did the bury Liberace face down?
So his friends could stop by for a cold one!


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## Snowtrac Nome

good one 

Rock Hudson didn't die of aides he died of food poisoning seems he got ahold of a bad Winnie. 

also 

Rock Hudson had no friends but he had Neighbors up the ass.


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## Lenny

Two homosexual men were walking along the beach when two drop-dead, gorgeous babes passed them walking the other way.

The one man said to the other, "It's times like this I wish I was a lesbian."


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## waybomb

Two condoms walk by a gay bar.
One says to the other: Wanna go in and get shitfaced?


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## Lenny

waybomb said:


> Two condoms walk by a gay bar.
> One says to the other: Wanna go in and get shitfaced?


 
Good one!


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## Melensdad

*MEDICAL STUDY CONCERNING LONGEVITY *

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who  mention it


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## Melensdad




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