YOU CANT FIX STUPID
Eighth Place In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck
and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an
18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker,
who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high
cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place Buxton , NC : A man died on a beach when an
8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it.
Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection
from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom
Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of
sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and
shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge ,
VA , but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy
equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on.
Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc
, A , as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was
burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed
in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull
as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in
Selbyville , Del , as he won a bet with friends who said he would not
put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the
trigger.
As Ron White often says : " You can't fix stupid."
These people prove it is a terminal condition. As always, competition
this year has been keen.
Third Place (My personal favorite!) The following
mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington, DC appeared to be
the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of
violence, and his terminally stupid choices:
1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms; A gun shop
specializing in handguns.
2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a
marked police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter,
having coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a hold-up, an d fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the
police officer with a 9mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a 50 DESERT EAGLE,
assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom
also drew and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by
Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge
cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds.
Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was
hurt in the exchange of fire.
HONORABLE MENTION Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in
Andover township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a
quarter- stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at
2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the
window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the
window was closed.
RUNNER UP: TACOMA , WA . Kerry Bingham had been drinking
with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had
bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic.
The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the
walkway of the bridge at
4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge
they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and
pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay near by. One end of the
cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the
bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his
foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy
salt water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said
Bingham, is that God was watching out for me on that night.
There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's
foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER... Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich
Riesfeldt (Paderborn , Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22
doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and
prunes before the plugged- up pachyderm finally let it fly, and
suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say
ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an
olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer
force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to
the ground where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the
elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said
flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to
help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a
watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be
just one of those freak accidents that proves... "Shit happens."
Eighth Place In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck
and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an
18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker,
who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high
cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place Buxton , NC : A man died on a beach when an
8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it.
Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection
from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom
Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of
sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and
shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge ,
VA , but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy
equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on.
Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc
, A , as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was
burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed
in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull
as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in
Selbyville , Del , as he won a bet with friends who said he would not
put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the
trigger.
As Ron White often says : " You can't fix stupid."
These people prove it is a terminal condition. As always, competition
this year has been keen.
Third Place (My personal favorite!) The following
mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington, DC appeared to be
the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of
violence, and his terminally stupid choices:
1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms; A gun shop
specializing in handguns.
2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a
marked police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter,
having coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a hold-up, an d fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the
police officer with a 9mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a 50 DESERT EAGLE,
assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom
also drew and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by
Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge
cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds.
Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was
hurt in the exchange of fire.
HONORABLE MENTION Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in
Andover township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a
quarter- stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at
2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the
window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the
window was closed.
RUNNER UP: TACOMA , WA . Kerry Bingham had been drinking
with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had
bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic.
The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the
walkway of the bridge at
4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge
they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and
pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay near by. One end of the
cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the
bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his
foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy
salt water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said
Bingham, is that God was watching out for me on that night.
There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's
foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER... Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich
Riesfeldt (Paderborn , Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22
doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and
prunes before the plugged- up pachyderm finally let it fly, and
suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say
ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an
olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer
force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to
the ground where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the
elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said
flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to
help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a
watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be
just one of those freak accidents that proves... "Shit happens."
