My neighbor brought this over to my wife and they had a good laugh. I checked it out and it makes sense to me:
My first idea was to create a list of rules for cowboys written by cowgirls, things that would bridge the understanding gap. But historical reaction by cowboys for advice given by their wifely partners made me realize the futility in the effort.
Moving from that fleeting moment of “saving the world,” I decided to help a small part of it by suggesting some basic advice to those considering matrimony to a cowboy. While this is by no means a complete guide, recognizing the following situations will save years of misunderstanding.
Ranch Wife 101 Guidelines:
1. Always load your horse last in the trailer so it is the first one unloaded. By the time he’s got his horse unloaded, you will have your cinch pulled and be mounted up ready to go–lessening the chance of his riding off without you with your horse trying to follow while you are still trying to get your foot in the stirrup.
2. Never–and I repeat–never ever believe the sentence “We’ll be right back.” when he has asked you to help him do something out on the ranch. The echoing words, “this will only take a little while” have filtered through generations of ranch wives and still today should invoke sincere distrust in the woman who hears them.
3. Always know there is NO romantic intention when he pleadingly asks you to take a ride in the pickup with him around the ranch while he checks waters and looks at cattle. What that sweet request really means is he wants someone to open the gates.
4. He will always expect you to quickly be able to find one stray in a four-section, brush-covered pasture, but he will never be able to find the mayonnaise jar in four square feet of refrigerator.
5. Count every head of everything you see–cattle especially, but sometimes horses, deer, quail or whatever moves. Count it in the gate, out the gate or on the horizon. The first time you don’t count is when he will have expected that you did. That blank eyelash-batting look you give him when he asks “How many” will not be acceptable.
6. Know that you will never be able to ride a horse or drive a pickup to suit him. Given the choice of jobs, choose throwing the feed off the rack of the pickup. If he is on the back and you are driving the opportunity for constant criticism of speed, ability and your eyesight will be used to the full extent. “How in the #$!% could you NOT see that hole?”
7. Never let yourself be on foot in the alley when he is sorting cattle horseback. When he has shoved 20 head of running, bucking, kicking yearlings at you an then hollers “Hold ‘em, hold ‘em” at the top of his lungs, don’t think you really can do it without loss of life or limb. Contrary to what he will lead you to believe, walking back to the house is always an option that has been used throughout time.
8. Don’t expect him to correctly close the snap-on tops on the plastic refrigerator containers, but know he will expect you to always close every gate. His reasoning: the cows will get out, food will not.
9. Always praise him when he helps in the kitchen–the same way he does when you help with the ranch work–or not.
10. Know that when you step out of the house you move from the “wife” department to “hired hand” status. Although the word “hired” indicates there will be a paycheck that you will never see, rest assured that you have job security. The price is just right. And most of the time you will be “the best help he has” even if it is because you are the ONLY help he has.
My first idea was to create a list of rules for cowboys written by cowgirls, things that would bridge the understanding gap. But historical reaction by cowboys for advice given by their wifely partners made me realize the futility in the effort.
Moving from that fleeting moment of “saving the world,” I decided to help a small part of it by suggesting some basic advice to those considering matrimony to a cowboy. While this is by no means a complete guide, recognizing the following situations will save years of misunderstanding.
Ranch Wife 101 Guidelines:
1. Always load your horse last in the trailer so it is the first one unloaded. By the time he’s got his horse unloaded, you will have your cinch pulled and be mounted up ready to go–lessening the chance of his riding off without you with your horse trying to follow while you are still trying to get your foot in the stirrup.
2. Never–and I repeat–never ever believe the sentence “We’ll be right back.” when he has asked you to help him do something out on the ranch. The echoing words, “this will only take a little while” have filtered through generations of ranch wives and still today should invoke sincere distrust in the woman who hears them.
3. Always know there is NO romantic intention when he pleadingly asks you to take a ride in the pickup with him around the ranch while he checks waters and looks at cattle. What that sweet request really means is he wants someone to open the gates.
4. He will always expect you to quickly be able to find one stray in a four-section, brush-covered pasture, but he will never be able to find the mayonnaise jar in four square feet of refrigerator.
5. Count every head of everything you see–cattle especially, but sometimes horses, deer, quail or whatever moves. Count it in the gate, out the gate or on the horizon. The first time you don’t count is when he will have expected that you did. That blank eyelash-batting look you give him when he asks “How many” will not be acceptable.
6. Know that you will never be able to ride a horse or drive a pickup to suit him. Given the choice of jobs, choose throwing the feed off the rack of the pickup. If he is on the back and you are driving the opportunity for constant criticism of speed, ability and your eyesight will be used to the full extent. “How in the #$!% could you NOT see that hole?”
7. Never let yourself be on foot in the alley when he is sorting cattle horseback. When he has shoved 20 head of running, bucking, kicking yearlings at you an then hollers “Hold ‘em, hold ‘em” at the top of his lungs, don’t think you really can do it without loss of life or limb. Contrary to what he will lead you to believe, walking back to the house is always an option that has been used throughout time.
8. Don’t expect him to correctly close the snap-on tops on the plastic refrigerator containers, but know he will expect you to always close every gate. His reasoning: the cows will get out, food will not.
9. Always praise him when he helps in the kitchen–the same way he does when you help with the ranch work–or not.
10. Know that when you step out of the house you move from the “wife” department to “hired hand” status. Although the word “hired” indicates there will be a paycheck that you will never see, rest assured that you have job security. The price is just right. And most of the time you will be “the best help he has” even if it is because you are the ONLY help he has.
