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Watching a love one slowly pass .

BigAl

BigAl

Gone But Not Forgotten
Well , we just put Dad back in the hospital tonight . His ole heart is just plain tuckered out . Pop is 83 and the proudest man I know . He is also the person I respect more than anyone else on the face of this Earth .The meds they need to give him to help drain off the water around his heart ,raise holy hell with his kidneys . He has less than 25% kidney function left .Dad is tired .It is a double edge sword .
I am really having a tough time not being there tonight as my Back is acting up again . Walking is damn near impossible and sleep is not going to happen tonight .My sister is in charge .
So here I sit ,thinking and wondering about life and its many turns before we are eventually all called home and wondering how I can do more in my life to make myself a better person in the eyes of God . I have had a great teacher for 53 years and feel I owe it to Pop to carry on the high standards he has set and pass it down the line .
It's not easy to see the flame slowly flickering out on someone you love and admire so much ,but knowing that he gave me the tools to carry on in life and continue his tradition of love,honor and respect for my fellow man , is of some relief . Dad is surely a "treasure" and you can bet that I am going to share it with everyone I know .

Respectfully,
Al
 
Big Al,

Know all to well what you are going thru. My dad passed 3 years ago on Jan 1, and to see him in one week go from frail and not able to walk to pass away peacefully, well it was a mixture of sadness and joy. See Dad is now walking streets of Gold, Beside the river of life, and I know this without a doubt.

Some would say we want him back, not me, see I know He is better off where he is now. This life was very good to Dad, and Dad in turn was very good to this life. Like you he was a teacher, learner, symbol of hope, symbol of strength and compassion. Always willing to help someone out, and you never had a lawn mower repaired without getting a little sermon at his garage.

I miss him a lot, but am happy to know that one day we will meet again, this time as brother to brother.

Dad was 87 when he died of congestive heart failure. He knew people the nite before he died who visited him at the hospital. The next morning he was so far gone we knew he was going. Mom called and 10 minutes later called back that he was truly resting now. I praise God above for his life, and his death. He did not know much pain, and his lingering was short.

May God be with you at this time, may He give you comfort in knowing that when all the Doctors can do won't make a difference, that the Great Physician is now in charge and He will make things better.

God Bless you and your family.
 
Your Dad is in my prayers Al. Great post by the way. :thumb:

Danny, a very moving post from you my man! Well done! I like your outlook. :thumb:
 
Al,

Pops will be in our prayers for you. Just remember all of the good times with your dad.

May God Bless you and your family.


murph
 
Thank you guys for the kind words and prayers.

Danny... What you said in your reply hits it right on the head . I also just want my father to be happy and at peace . It has been a year now since his heart failed and being the proud man he is this has been very tough on him . Pop is his worst enemy because he tries to do to much and his heart can not keep up .
God Bless you all
Al
 
BigAl,
My thoughts are with you and your family at this time. I only wish I had had the teacher that you have had for the last 53 years. My Dad was not in my life much when I was a youngster. When I grew up we barely knew each other, so we didn't spend that quality time together. He's been gone now for 13 years. I missed out on so much, but you have the teachings of a brave soul to keep you going.

The only thing I want out of life is to be the person my sons think I am. It looks like your Dad accomplished that.
 
Big Al;

So sorry to hear. We will say a prayer for your father and for you too. God Bless
 
I'm so sorry to hear Al. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Until this last year I was fortunate enough to not understand that pain. Now I know it only too well. Even so, I still don't know what to say in these situations. I just wish the best for you, your father, and your family.
 
Big Al... G-d has blessed you with your dad. Now, it is in G-d's hands. Be at peace with yourself knowing that all that can be done has been done and that your dad gave you all he had to give. Be strong for him when he can't be strong for himself. Junk
 
BigAl said:
Well , we just put Dad back in the hospital tonight
Click to expand...
I sat out of this thread because it hits close to home for me, and probably because you and I have traded regular emails on this topic quite a while ago when your dad first went into the hospital. But all I can add is to make the most of your time with your dad.

When my dad was dying in a local hospital in Indiana with congestive heart failure, we had mom in a hospital up in Chicago dying of cancer. They had many good years together prior to that but the last months were miserable. We actually had to take mom out of the hospital to attend dad's funeral and then get her back up to Chicago for continued treatment. However, for a year prior to all that mess I spent virutally every day with my dad, talking for an hour to two and solving every problem that needed to be solved. I was not dad's favorite kid as a child, a bit to wild, unruley and I liked hard kicking guns and snow sports instead of his favorite sport of golf. So dad and I had a rocky time when I was young. The last year we turned all that around by just talking and spending time together. By the time he died it was hard to be sad or even to miss him because we had said everything that we ever wanted to say. I have no regrets and I doubt that he did either.

Unfortunately my brother did not do what I did and now regrets it.

I would strongly urge you to spend the time with your dad that you have, to say what needs to be said, and to solve what needs to be solved.

Walk until you can't walk anymore and then crawl, when you can't crawl anymore then find someone to carry you. . . carry your dad's memory and spread it on to all those who you know.
 
Hope all is well with you and your family at this precious time in your lives. Our prayers are with you.
 
Well ... Dad is back home . I am not sure if he should be . He is retaining water like crazy . The medience that he takes to get rid of the water really tears his kidneys up . He has less than 25% left working . His ankles are huge ! He can barely walk now .
Trying to talk him into coming and living with me and my wonderful wife , but he ain't having any part of that . He loves his home . I tried getting him to let someone come in and help during the day . The house is 2100 square feet . He is the proudest ,most stubborn man I ever met and I love him dearly .
I guess my next step is to start staying out there to make sure he is ok .
Thanks to all of you for the kind thoughts and prayers . God Bless each one of you .:tiphat:
 
Al,

Thanks for the update. It is understandable for your dad to want to be at his home. This is where he is most comfortable. Is your dad alone in the house? If so how close are you and your wife if you can at least check in on him a few times a day.

Again I will continue to pray for your day and you also as I am sure your not sleeping much.

murph
 
Al,

I've been avoiding this thread as it's currently hitting so close to home myself and I struggle on how to handle it myself.

My mom is "trying" to fight back from pancreatic cancer. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do or fight for with this type of cancer.

Her body has gone from regular size to the retaining water syndrom you're dad has. It's since gone back down so I hope the same for your dad.

Other than "hang in there" and other words of encouragement, I don't know what to say. I'm not very good with words on this subject in that I have little experience with serious illness (or death) in my adult years.

If you don't mind, I'm going to sit on the sidelines and ponder the same "Watching a love one slowly pass" but my heart, blessings and thoughts are with you as you go through it.
 
BigAl,

You know my father-in-law is just like your dad. He is 94 and has heart problems and retains alot of water too. His ankles are huge. He has to watch his sodium intake and takes an extra cumadune (spelling) tablet daily. But he still cooks his own meals, except what us kids bring in once in a while. And he has a cleaning lady that the senior center has come in twice a month. He pays like $4.00 a month for 4 hrs cleaning time. We have our local RX shop do his meds for him and they deliver his new weekly pill box every thurs. We used to have a catering company bring him in 1 hot meal and one frozen meal for later in the week. And they were excellent meals. Not quite like the senior center meals. I'm talking steak, halibut, fresh tuna. With all the trimmings. But they closed their doors.:mad:
Bill's dad has 4 sons and at least one makes it to see him once a day if not more. We usually see him once or twice a week. I don't think he would make it if he had to live in a nursing home. He also loves his home and that is where he wants to spend the rest of his life.

Oh well. Anyway, Your dad will do fine. What they need at that age in company at least once a day to keep them going. Whether it is relatives, friends, or cleaning lady. Is he using a walker? Well, enough:blahblah: Glad his home.
 
Well , The doctor put Dad back in the hospital last night around 1 AM . Same thing again . Thanks for all the kind words .I swear, I should have reserved parking at the emergency room .
Someone asked if Pop was married ? Yes ,he is to a very nice lady who is 86 . Her health is also questionable .
Allen
 
Pigtails said:
BigAl,

You know my father-in-law is just like your dad. He is 94 and has heart problems and retains alot of water too. His ankles are huge. He has to watch his sodium intake and takes an extra cumadune (spelling) tablet daily. But he still cooks his own meals, except what us kids bring in once in a while. And he has a cleaning lady that the senior center has come in twice a month. He pays like $4.00 a month for 4 hrs cleaning time. We have our local RX shop do his meds for him and they deliver his new weekly pill box every thurs. We used to have a catering company bring him in 1 hot meal and one frozen meal for later in the week. And they were excellent meals. Not quite like the senior center meals. I'm talking steak, halibut, fresh tuna. With all the trimmings. But they closed their doors.:mad:
Bill's dad has 4 sons and at least one makes it to see him once a day if not more. We usually see him once or twice a week. I don't think he would make it if he had to live in a nursing home. He also loves his home and that is where he wants to spend the rest of his life.

Oh well. Anyway, Your dad will do fine. What they need at that age in company at least once a day to keep them going. Whether it is relatives, friends, or cleaning lady. Is he using a walker? Well, enough:blahblah: Glad his home.
Click to expand...

Well Dad made it back home again . They told him to stay on a low sodium diet . My fathers idea of a low salt diet is not salting any food you eat . No matter how much salt it already contains . It drives me nuts !!!His Blood sugar is way up and he decided to challenge the nurse on her readings . He takes his Blood suger each morning before he eats , It is usally low and then Pop eats whatever he wants . This also drives me nuts . He told me how much better he felt and how well he slept last night. Maybe it could be the balanced diet he had at the hospital ??????:confused2: . Excuse me while I go bang my head against a wall .
Its time to pull the drivers license and I don't even want to think about how that is going to go over . He just barely shuffles around now . There is no way he could react fast enough if he had to make a sudden stop . I am going to be in deep POOPOO before this is done .
 
BigAl said:
He told me how much better he felt and how well he slept last night. Maybe it could be the balanced diet he had at the hospital ??????:confused2: . Excuse me while I go bang my head against a wall .
Its time to pull the drivers license and I don't even want to think about how that is going to go over . He just barely shuffles around now . There is no way he could react fast enough if he had to make a sudden stop . I am going to be in deep POOPOO before this is done.
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Al I'm sorry to hear what you are facing.

Been there, done that. All I can say is do what you have to do, at least re the drivers license.

My Dad was easier. He had survived both TB and polio years before and was a litle more aware than most of us, that we are all mortal.

He finally slowed down when he finally lost swallowing function in his later 80's, a consequence of the polio 50 years previous. Kaiser stuck a tube in near his navel, gave him a funnel and a case of liquid baby food, and sent him home.

At that point he told me he was a walking dead man, with most of his wits but not much will to continue. He was comfortable talking about his life winding down which I think is very unusual.

He voluntarily gave up his driver's license on his 88th birthday, with still no scratches on his 30 year old Chevy. All he wanted to do was live day to day out at the ranch and enjoy watching the trees grow. I've forgotten how many caregivers I hired and he fired - the one I remember most, lasted only 45 minues then phoned me in tears. His view was that no one was going to sit and stare at him. If they were on paid time then the had to be pulling weeds or cleaning the oven. I finally got a professional social worker to coordinate the caregivers since I lived 100 miles away and he was determined to live his last days out at the ranch.

I think we are all reluctant to reverse the parent/child, responsible/dependent roles but there comes a time when it becomes necessary. In my case the responsibility was more or less handed to me rationally. I think this transfer has to be done in some manner, and of course as kindly as possible. I don't know if your Dad would be responsive to discusing this but maybe starting with discussing Durable Power of Attorney would be a fairly neutral introduction to the topic.

Dad was pretty reasonable. As for Mom, now at 96, she talks rationally about the responsibility she has handed me but I keep finding obstacles. I just discovered the Power of Attorney she prepared long ago isnt the Durable version, rather it endures only so long as she is competent and I am powerless to act thereafter. She'll sign the improved version but I wish I had realized this gotcha. It seems like there is a new obstacle every week for the past 10 years.

Anyhow, I hope some of this is useful to you. Watching a parent decline is one of the hardest things each of us has to go through. Taking over responsibility for a partly-competent parent is part of what makes it hard.

Dad occasionally repeated that life has a beginning, a middle, and an end, and each of us can appreciate life better if we recognise that this is unchangeable. It worked for him. I don't know if I've really absorbed this for myself.
 
bczoom said:
Other than "hang in there" and other words of encouragement, I don't know what to say. I'm not very good with words on this subject in that I have little experience with serious illness (or death) in my adult years.

If you don't mind, I'm going to sit on the sidelines and ponder the same "Watching a love one slowly pass" but my heart, blessings and thoughts are with you as you go through it.
Click to expand...

Bczoom said it best. I have been watching this thread and haven't responded for lack of words. My mother's health is declining and I will probably be in your shoes before too long. You seem to be handling the situation better than I would. Hang in there.
 
Gota run. Mom's caregiver called 911 for a choking incident and the FD ambulance took her to the ER. Sixth time this year, I think.
 
Update - Again this time, not serious. I phoned the ER and they handed the phone to Mom. She said she choked on food. As soon as the ambulance crew slapped an oxygen mask on her, she said she recuperated and feels fine but will be held overnight. Her caregiver will stay there with her first shift, then I'll go out for a visit.

Just a normal day here.

BigAl said:
I should have reserved parking at the emergency room.
Click to expand...
Yep.
 
bczoom said:
Al,

I've been avoiding this thread as it's currently hitting so close to home myself and I struggle on how to handle it myself.
Click to expand...
Yep, same here.



Did all of this last December and January with my dad...
Spent December in and out of the hospital, where he yelled and swore at the nurses, then he came home right before Christmas, where he demanded Christmas presents a few days early, and Hospice came in right after the New Year. I spent that period sleeping on my parents' couch and watching my dad slowing slipping away over the next few weeks, until I woke up at 4:00 am one morning in January and looked over and didn't hear him snoring... I got up and stood by the bed and watched him take his last three breathes.

Don't know if it's the "man" thing to say, but all in all, I haven't had a good time of it during the past 11 months since then...
I've spent the time since January trying to figure out what I want to do with the next phase of my life, and where I want to do it.
Part of it is because the company where I worked for the past 15 years has new owners and I'm unsure of my future there, but part of it is trying to figure out where I fit in life in general now... something about losing your father I guess.



Wow, where did all of that come from? That's more than I've said to anyone about it during the last 11 months.
 
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