Too good to leave - too bad to stay. HELP

[voodoogs]

I'm here for any independant advice. I know a million people will have had these thoughts.
Ill start at the start. My wife and i met six years ago when we were both in difficult stages of life. We got together and found out we were pregnant within the first month. We have had the most beautiful boy and now have another at two years old. The relationship has never been great, but at times it has been good and full of love, respect and admiration.
We have both recently admitted to affairs.
In my case the affair was nothing more than sex. Hers was an emotional and sexual affair. I understand (from what she tells me) is that he gave her the things i don't, that she always wanted in our relationship that i (being me) did not provide her. She is right in saying this, i have not been a great partner.
We are thinking of trying again and she says she can go without this man if i can give her what she needs. Unfortunately she works with him.
She has feelings for this man that are strong and she is holding on to these feelings.
I can go without seeing other people, but i don't think she is ready to give up what this man has given her that makes her feel good about herself.
She says she will not see him but of course i can't believe that at this time. i don't expect her to believe anything i say either.
There is a glimmer of hope left though for us, i can see it and i think she can too.
Is there a future or are we kidding ourselves???????????????

 

[Melensdad]

If you are willing to work at it, there can be a future. But marriage, even a good one, is often hard work and compromise on the part of both partners. If it was easy, the divorce rate would be lower. If you can see a 'glimmer of hope' and if she sees it, and if you are both willing to work at it, then you should try. But if you try, don't expect everything to go as planned. And if you admit to giving her less than she needs, then you need to work on that aspect of your relationship.

Just my 2 cents. Good luck.

 

[RedRocker]

Now that's a helluva first post, nice ta meet ya!

 

[Wannafish]

Looks like you have two choices:

A: Keep her, and be miserable the rest of your life.

B: Get rid of her and be miserable the rest of your life.

Good luck!

 

[voodoogs]

Looks like you have two choices:

A: Keep her, and be miserable the rest of your life.

B: Get rid of her and be miserable the rest of your life.

Good luck!

Thanks for making the effort wannafish.
I think you can imagine that this is not really what i want to hear.
Can you be constructive please.

 

[Cowboyjg]

The Crystal ball is in the shop and I don't know you, so I'll make a few observations based on your post, some suggestions and no promises. Like most people it appears that you'd like some majic pill or something to undo this bad history in your marraige and maybe take it back to what it was in the beginning with the knowledge you have now so you can do something different. Whether it's be a better partner or not have children etc. In your post you seem to be asking if it's OK to move on or at least looking for confirmation because you don't believe that your wife can be comitted to trying again without cheating. In your post you appear to be wanting a painless way get to where ever you're gonna get with this relationship.

First you must decide what YOU want to do regardless of your partner. When you've done that you can decide how to proceed.

If your gonna try to work it out....GET PROFESSIONAL COUNCELING. This is not something you're going to be able to figure out without an independant 3rd party.

If your're not gonna try to work it out....GET A GOOD LAWYER.

 

[Big Dog]

The Crystal ball is in the shop and I don't know you, so I'll make a few observations based on your post, some suggestions and no promises. Like most people it appears that you'd like some majic pill or something to undo this bad history in your marraige and maybe take it back to what it was in the beginning with the knowledge you have now so you can do something different. Whether it's be a better partner or not have children etc. In your post you seem to be asking if it's OK to move on or at least looking for confirmation because you don't believe that your wife can be comitted to trying again without cheating. In your post you appear to be wanting a painless way get to where ever you're gonna get with this relationship.

First you must decide what YOU want to do regardless of your partner. When you've done that you can decide how to proceed.

If your gonna try to work it out....GET PROFESSIONAL COUNCELING. This is not something you're going to be able to figure out without an independant 3rd party.

If your're not gonna try to work it out....GET A GOOD LAWYER.

Great advice!

 

[Doc]

In general when to people have broken up, and then gotten back together either you are hell bent on making it work or else both fall into old ways/ habits and that caused you to grow apart to begin with.
Cowboys' suggestion for professional counseling is a good one. I hope you take it.
The most glaring issue I see from your post is that you cannot believe what she says, nor do you think she believe what you say. Trust is a must. You'll drive each other crazy otherwise. If you give her what she 'needs' at home, I do believe she will be good to her word to you and not continue the affair at work. If you give her the attention she craves or whatever it is she needs, she will not be looking for attention on the side.
The question for you is can you stay focused on this one woman and turn down the opportunity for sex for sexes sake? If you can do this, and you can trust her (and get her to trust you) I think you would have a chance. No one is saying it will be easy, but most good things are not easy. As long as you believe, truly believe there is a chance then go for it.
Best of luck to you both.

 

[Av8r3400]

Keep in mind that your happiness is secondary now that there are children in the picture. What is best for them, not you?

Staying in a bad relationship is hardly ever the best thing for the kids. If you can be civil with your kids mom, work it out with her to be part of your kids lives (and get that in writing from a judge!).

From the history you give, I doubt this relationship will ever be solvent or happy.

Best of luck, you'll need it.

 

[pirate_girl]

You both chose to step outside the committment and cheat for different reasons.

She wanted more of an emotional thing from you and said she wasn't getting it.

You, apparently weren't satisfied with just one vagina in your life, so you chose to mess around with another one.

You BOTH are lacking in any seriousness or respect for the other if you could go as far as you have.
(Cheating after a mere 6 years of marriage?)

I'd suggest counseling as well.. but all the counseling in the world isn't going to help until she can decide to keep her hands off another man, and you can rethink the next time you want to have what you seem to think was an innocent fling.

Seems you think your wife is the more guilty here, just because she was looking for an emotional side to her straying????

My ex (first husband) cheated.
I left his ass and never looked back.

Good luck to you anyway..

 

[voodoogs]

Thank you everyone for your insightful thoughts.
i understand counselling is the only way forward. i am happy to forget the past and try to move forward, however it is difficult with the way she acts. She says she wants me, but is happy to accept phone calls from this man in front of me and laugh and chat with him like nothing has ever happened, like she has known him for ten years and not the three months she has been in the job. All the time i knew there was something going on and she denied it when i asked her about it, she asked me to trust her and got mad at me for not doing so and made me feel bad about not trusting her. The last of these phone calls was yesterday! I have to take this as her giving me the signs she does not want to be in this family?
What do you make of this?

 

[Doc]

Yep, I'd have to agree with your analysis of the situation. Sorry mate, but it doesn't sound good at all.

 

[pirate_girl]

Thank you everyone for your insightful thoughts.
i understand counselling is the only way forward. i am happy to forget the past and try to move forward, however it is difficult with the way she acts. She says she wants me, but is happy to accept phone calls from this man in front of me and laugh and chat with him like nothing has ever happened, like she has known him for ten years and not the three months she has been in the job. All the time i knew there was something going on and she denied it when i asked her about it, she asked me to trust her and got mad at me for not doing so and made me feel bad about not trusting her. The last of these phone calls was yesterday! I have to take this as her giving me the signs she does not want to be in this family?
What do you make of this?

Is SHE willing to forget your past fling as well?
Sorry, but it makes me go hmmmm that it seems to be so one-sided here.
You cheated too you know!
Maybe that's WHY she's still talking to him.. think about it.

 

[voodoogs]

pirate girl this is an absolutely fair comment.
however i am here and she is not. and this is me trying to work through what i am feeling - i hope you understand what i'm trying to say.
check out the original post - i think you can see that i know i have a 50% stake in the wrongdoings and i do not downplay the gravity of what i have done. i want to try to change who i am and how i act as i know that this is the reason i drove her to this. im giving info as to get others opinions on what she is thinking also and i thank you all for your comments.

 

[pirate_girl]

pirate girl this is an absolutely fair comment.
however i am here and she is not. and this is me trying to work through what i am feeling - i hope you understand what i'm trying to say.
check out the original post - i think you can see that i know i have a 50% stake in the wrongdoings and i do not downplay the gravity of what i have done. i want to try to change who i am and how i act as i know that this is the reason i drove her to this. im giving info as to get others opinions on what she is thinking also and i thank you all for your comments.

Voo.. if she's still talking to this guy and flaunting it in your face, then I'd say she wants to have her cake and eat it too.
I'd hate to see you hurt.
I know nothing about you.
All I know is what you've given to us.
Sorry for what I said before hun.
Don't allow a woman to control you like that as much as you love her.
All the best.. but as Doc said, at this point it really doesn't sound good.

 

[voodoogs]

Voo.. if she's still talking to this guy and flaunting it in your face, then I'd say she wants to have her cake and eat it too.
I'd hate to see you hurt.
I know nothing about you.
All I know is what you've given to us.
Sorry for what I said before hun.
Don't allow a woman to control you like that as much as you love her.
All the best.. but as Doc said, at this point it really doesn't sound good.

the trouble is that i think she does want her cake and be able to eat it too. i was so hurt and angry listening to this conversation and told her this. she was happy to apologise but at the same time called it a "slip up" and did not understand my reaction. i asked her this morning weather she did love me, did think our family could stay together and could we be happy together (of course provided i can change the way i need to to make her happy) and she said yes to all of these. at the same time she admits it will be hard to let go of this guy she has only known for a couple of months. the question is really does she deep down want out even if i can become a better partner? does she now think that there is something better out there?

 

[voodoogs]

In general when to people have broken up, and then gotten back together either you are hell bent on making it work or else both fall into old ways/ habits and that caused you to grow apart to begin with.
Cowboys' suggestion for professional counseling is a good one. I hope you take it.
The most glaring issue I see from your post is that you cannot believe what she says, nor do you think she believe what you say. Trust is a must. You'll drive each other crazy otherwise. If you give her what she 'needs' at home, I do believe she will be good to her word to you and not continue the affair at work. If you give her the attention she craves or whatever it is she needs, she will not be looking for attention on the side.
The question for you is can you stay focused on this one woman and turn down the opportunity for sex for sexes sake? If you can do this, and you can trust her (and get her to trust you) I think you would have a chance. No one is saying it will be easy, but most good things are not easy. As long as you believe, truly believe there is a chance then go for it.
Best of luck to you both.

thanks doc. this is what i need to hear! you are spot on.

 

[NRAfemale]

We have both recently admitted to affairs.
In my case the affair was nothing more than sex. Hers was an emotional and sexual affair. I understand (from what she tells me) is that he gave her the things i don't, that she always wanted in our relationship that i (being me) did not provide her. She is right in saying this, i have not been a great partner.
We are thinking of trying again and she says she can go without this man if i can give her what she needs. Unfortunately she works with him.
She has feelings for this man that are strong and she is holding on to these feelings.
but i don't think she is ready to give up what this man has given her that makes her feel good about herself.
She says she will not see him but of course i can't believe that at this time. i don't expect her to believe anything i say either.
There is a glimmer of hope left though for us, i can see it and i think she can too.
Is there a future or are we kidding ourselves???????????????

You need to grab your balls and tell her there are other jobs in other towns or even states, and get as far away as possible. Why keep her there in the temptation? I have been where she is and believe me.....if this other guy still wants her then he will have plenty of time and opportunity to wear her down. When things are this bad and you have to work as a team to keep your family together, but if you are only doing this for the kids then where were the concerns for the kids in the first place? You have already seen that concern isn’t going to be enough for long. The longer you hold out for just the kids the older they get and the harder on them to change.

 

[voodoogs]

NRAfemale.
obviously, with her leaving this job it brings more influences into the equation as well ie money etc whilst another job is found. will she be bored, lonely and pissed off at me for asking her to quit? does this get her down and send her to him? it is more than just a kid thing - there is some hope that we can be good together, but does she want to have her cake and eat it too as has been said above. if you have been there can you throw any more light on this situation. thanks all, this is actually helping!

 

[NRAfemale]

Thank you everyone for your insightful thoughts.
i understand counselling is the only way forward. i am happy to forget the past and try to move forward, however it is difficult with the way she acts. She says she wants me, but is happy to accept phone calls from this man in front of me and laugh and chat with him like nothing has ever happened, like she has known him for ten years and not the three months she has been in the job. All the time i knew there was something going on and she denied it when i asked her about it, she asked me to trust her and got mad at me for not doing so and made me feel bad about not trusting her. The last of these phone calls was yesterday! I have to take this as her giving me the signs she does not want to be in this family?
What do you make of this?

How old are you and your wife?
All this after only 3 months on the job? Why does he need to call her at home?
She says she wants to make it work with you and yet she is still playing games? It looks like she is twisting the knife1.... This would be a "Here's your sign" kind of moment for me. It makes me wonder just how hurt she must have been , because it sure looks like she trying to show you how it feels.
When I got to this point we saw a counselor and he advised against us trying to start over. He told my ex that he would be opening himself up for "pay backs" It sounds like you are already experiencing that. If she is doing this in front of you in your home then where are the kids? It's hard to see this happening and there not being a fight afterwards. If all is about making it work for the kids sake then it doesn't sound like it is good for the kids so far. Maybe you should get out while you both still care about the kids feelings and you can still do what's best for them rather than wait until you really hate each other and can't get along enough to share custody.

 

[voodoogs]

NRA i wholeheartedly agree with your "here's you sign"
We are both 30. I don't think things were that bad prior to this, not great however but i did not go looking for anyone to fill whatever void there was in the relationship and she did. In my instance it was a drunken mistake where i was fed a load of bull about my relationship by the person i cheated with. I'm not trying to offload blame or play down what i have done but at the end of the day i was seduced by a manipulative woman and my partner does accept this as she knows it was true. i struggle with the fact that she knew what was happening with her and the other man and actually fostered it behind my back for a period, whilst denying it and making me feel bad for questioning it. she admits she had more to do with it than he did and he even knew about me and the kids and everthing. this just tells me for the entire period she was just not thinking about the family at all, all she thought about was her own satisfaction. this is the true sign for me. i just don't know that even with counselling that i could ever get the doubt out of my head, doubts that may have always been there. she sees it as a wake up call, that now we need to move forward and fix what was wrong. i just don't think you get to this point without there being some very serious problems, problems that are past fixing?
i love my family, and i still love her (in ways that i'm sure you must understand) but i'm not so sure that i can go on, in the same house every day. seperation, even if for a short period would be hard on everyone, no doubt about that, but i think the boys are young enough not to take it too hard. i would be with them as much as i could of course and i think the time alone is the only way to see things as they are without other influences. i would be very interested to hear about other people's seperation and how it went.

 

[ncroamer65]

As the saying goes, been there, done that, etc. etc.

Lets get one thing stright from the getgo your two boys will work it
out in their minds as to why its their fault for this brake up of you and
your wife.
Next both of you need to work on reducing the PAIN you both feel,
easier said than done. Personaly my belief in the Lord is I ask that
the pain be removed and replaced with Gods love. This works for me.

Counsuling is necessary.
Ask how serious your wife is about working to improve the relationship.
How serious are you.
Each of you write down what you can do to improve the marriage.
Develop meaningful communation, not just conversation.
Learn to Listen and Hear, yes they are two different things, when
both you and your wife talk.
Can you both be truthful to each other.
Rebuilding trust is going to be hard but not impossible.