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Shorties

Doc

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
US Navy Veteran
Vietnam Veteran
Platinum Patron
Julia was the most popular girl around. "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry," she told her date. "Really?" he replied. "How many men do you intend to marry?"

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A guy was bragging about his sexual conquests. "I reckon I've had every woman in this town except for my mother and my sister." His buddy absentmindedly replied, "How 'bout that? Then between us, we've had 'em all!"
 
a couple more:

Why doesn't Hannibal Lector eat people that work at Texaco? They give him gas!

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Nothing in the world is more expensive than a woman who's free for the weekend!
 
A man entered the restroom after lunch, washed his hands, and then headed to the urinal. A co-worked was also at the sink. He asked, "You wash your hands before you pee?" The first man replied, "I had KFC for lunch. I don't want my wife to tell me I taste like chicken!"

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A soldier and a sailor finished in the restroom, but the sailor started to leave without washing his hands. The soldier said, "Hey, sailor! In the Army, they taught us to wash our hands after pi$sing!" The sailor replied, "That's nice, soldier. In the Navy, they taught us not to pi$s on our hands!"
 
Totally Tasteless Shorties. You have been warned.

1. What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?
Answer: Hair balls.

2. How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
Answer: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive

3. What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
Answer: Come in five flavors

4. What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
Answer: Crust

5. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
Answer: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork

6. How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
Answer: If your girlfriend chews before swallowing OMG! OMG! OMG !

7. What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough
Boy
together?
Answer: A red headed bitch with a yeast infection

8. How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
Answer: By sticking your finger in his honey

9. What is the ultimate rejection?
Answer: When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep

10. What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?
Answer: I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.

11. What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
Answer: Both can smell it but can't eat it

12. What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
Answer: A blow job with handle bars

13. What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?
Answer: A mobile sperm bank.

14. What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?
Answer: All you can eat for under a buck.

15. What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?
Answer: A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

16. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: cherry float.

17. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat IT - we're closed.

18. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.

19. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

20. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

21. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

22. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

23. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

24. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough

25. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.

26. Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence

27. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.

28. Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?
A. Because they don't have balls to scratch.

29. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

30. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

31. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
 
What is a man's ultimate embarrassment? Running into a wall with an erection and breaking your nose!


(gives new meaning to this thread title doesn't it? :yum: :yum: )
 
When my daughter was three, we watched SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN
DWARFS for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as
an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then
Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground
unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up. "See,
Mom. She doesn't like the skin either."

------------------------

Although I have three sons, it was always my daughter who helped me
with chores around the house.

One day we decided to install ceiling fans in the bedrooms. We
thought it would take about an hour, but the task turned into an
all-day job.

"Thanks, Sweetie," I said gratefully when we were finished.

"No problem," she replied as she put away the tools. "Just think of
me as the son you never had."

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A bus driver is conducting a tour of famous Civil War battle sites.
"Here," he points out at one spot, "is where the Southern troops
routed a whole regiment of Yankees. Over here, the Rebs wiped out a
whole platoon of Yanks. Down about a mile, there's another valley
where we captured a thousand Union soldiers."

A tourist says, "Didn't the North ever win a battle?"

"Yes ma'am. But not while I'm driving this bus."
 
"Why don't you play golf with Bob any more?" asked his wife. "Would you play with someone who curses after every shot, cheats in the bunkers, and enters false scores on his card?" her husband replied. "No!" she said. He sighed, "Neither will Bob!"
 
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man
goes on top and the woman underneath.

For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.
 
Jerry Garcia awoke in an all-white recording studio, surrounded by instruments. Jimi Hendrix and Duane Allman were tuning their guitars. John Lennon was seated at the piano. Janis Joplin and Buddy Holly were warming up. As he plugged into his amp, an awestruck Garcia murmered, "Wow! There really is a rock 'n' roll heaven!" Elvis Presley said to him, "Heaven?" just as Karen Carpenter sat down at the drums and said, "Okay, people. 'Close To You' in E-flat. One, two, one, two..."
 
On the first day of the new school year, the sophomore English class had a new, very stern, teacher. A hush fell over the room as the teacher panned his gaze across all the kids. Finally, he spoke. "There are two words that are unacceptable in my class, either orally or in your homework, papers, or tests. Use these words even once and your grade will be lowered one full letter. The first one is 'gross,' and the other is 'cool.' Are there any questions?" One gawky teen raised his hand. "Yes?" said the new teacher. The teen asked, "So? What are they?"

===============================================


The busty young blonde tried on an extremely low cut dress and, as she studied herself in the mirror, asked the sales clerk if she thought it was too low cut. "Do you have hair on your chest?" asked the clerk. "No. Of course not. What a stupid question." "Then it's too low cut!"
 
An old chief summoned his medicine man and said, "Me tired of forty-year-old squaw. You find me two new squaws, 20 years each." The medicine man soon brought him two beauties. A week later, the chief told the medicine man, "Bring back old squaw." "Why?" asked the medicine man, "those two young maidens are hot!" The chief sighed and said, "Nothing wrong with them. Me not wired for 2 20s!"

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There was a knock at the front door but when Bill opened it, there was nothing on his front porch but a snail. Not wanting to clean up a snail trail, he threw out into the grass. A year later, there was another knock on the front door but when Bill opened it, there was nothing on his front porch but a snail. The snail screamed, "What the hell was that all about?!"
 
A pirate walked into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender asked, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?" "Arrrrrr," said the pirate. "I always wanted a Bounty on me head!"

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Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat. The first kid said, "My dad is so scared that, when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed." The second kid said, "Oh, yeah? That's nothing. My dad is so scared that, when my mom has to work the night shift, he goes next door to sleep with Mrs. Jones!"
 
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you
like to dance?"

The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I
wouldn't dance with you."

The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me,
I said, you look fat in those pants."
 
Statistics show that at the age of seventy there are five women for every man. What an ironic time for a guy to get great odds!
 
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