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Religious Jokes (NOT mean or in bad taste)

Melensdad

Melensdad

Jerk in a Hawaiian Shirt & SNOWCAT Moderator
Staff member
I'm a fan of religious jokes, especially Catholic jokes. But not nasty or mean ones, anyone got any more?

Here are a few to start out:
  • A Jewish couple has a son who is a holy terror. When he gets to be of age, he's kicked out of every school they put him in. Finally desperate, the father goes to the Rabbi for advice and the Rabbi says put him in the Catholic school. Shocked, the father asks if the Rabbi sure. "Yes" is the reply, so the father takes him to the nuns and leaves. An hour goes by, then two hours, lunch time and finally at three the son comes in says "Good afternoon Papa, good afternoon Mama," goes to the table and starts on his homework. The father is amazed and finally ask why he stayed in school all day and why he is behaving so well. His son looks up and says "Papa when you left, the Mother Superior told me that they did not allow rowdy boys, then she took me to my room. Papa they mean business! They've got a Jew nailed on a Cross in every room!"
  • The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

    Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
  • The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

    She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow.
  • Who was the most successful businessman inthe bible?
    -- Noah- He floated stock while eveybody else was liquidated.
  • Did you know that the first automobile was in Genesis?
    -- God drove Adam & Eve out of the garden of Eden in a Fury.
 
Brett Favre died and went to heaven where God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Packers flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Brett," said God. "This is a very special privilege; not everyone gets a house up here."

Brett felt special indeed and walked up to his house. On his way up to the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a three-story mansion with a blue and orange sidewalk, 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Bears logo flag, and in every window, a Blue helmet with a "C" on it.

Brett looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be an ingrate, but I have a question. I was an All-Pro Quarterback, I won a Super Bowl, and I even went to The Hall of Fame - so why does Walter Payton get a better house than me?"

God chuckled and said, "Brett, that's not Walter Payton's house, it's Mine."
 
An old man was approaching death, and prayed begging God to let him take his hoard of wealth with him. He prayed and prayed until finally the Lord agreed to let him. So he changed all his wealth into gold bricks and packed them in a suitcase.

After he died and arrived in heaven with his suitcase, St. Peter met him at the gate. "What's in the suitcase?" asked St. Peter.
"Take a look," the man replied.

St. Peter opened the suitcase, looked and said, "You brought pavement?"


Q: How do you get 4 nuns to curse openly?

A: Have a 5th one to shout "BINGO!"



​
"Hello, is this Father Callahan?"

"Yes, it is."

"Hi, this is John Davis and I work for the IRS. If you don't mind, can you please answer a few questions for me?"

"Yes, I can."

"Is there a man named Richard Martin in your parish?"

"Yes, there is."

"Do you know this man personally?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did he recently make a $10,000 donation to the church?"

"Yes, he will."



The elder priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "I know you are reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put in to replace the first four pews. It worked. We got the front of the church filled first."

The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir that packed us to the balcony."

"So," asked the young priest, "what's the problem?"

"Well," said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But Father," protests the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, my son, but the flashing "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell" neon sign really has to go!




​
What do the Jesuits and Dominicans have in common?

Well, they were both founded by Spaniards, St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy: the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants.


What is different about the Jesuits and Dominicans?

Well, have you met any Albigensians lately?
 
THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A HOCKEY GAME IN CHICAGO.


THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND.


BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA.


IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID,

"I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH, THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."


THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID,

"I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA, THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."


THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO . THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."



ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,

"WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO TO H ELL . THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."
 
"Tavern vs Baptist Church"

A man who got a permit to open the first tavern in a small town. The members of a local Baptist church were strongly opposed to the bar, so they began to pray that God would intervene.

A few days before the tavern was scheduled to open, lightning hit the structure and it burned to the ground. The people of the church were surprised but pleased - until they received notice that the would-be tavern owner was suing them.

He contended that their prayers were responsible for the burning of the building. They denied the charge.

At the conclusion of the preliminary hearing, the judge wryly remarked, "At this point I don't know what my decision will be, but it seems that the tavern owner believes in the power of prayer and the Baptists don't."
 
At the conclusion of the preliminary hearing, the judge wryly remarked, "At this point I don't know what my decision will be, but it seems that the tavern owner believes in the power of prayer and the Baptists don't."



Now that is funny...............and true in many denoms I am afraid.
 
This is NOT a joke, truth I did this.............stumped the preacher

I asked once leaving a baptist service, preacher what is the most unused part of a baptist church.............he was not sure.............


The alter...........he shook my hand and said see you next week.
 
A Catholic dies and goes to Heaven. St. Peter greets him and starts to show him around the place .. he says "here's the pool, you can swim whenever you want .. here's a room with all the food you want, you can eat whatever you want, however much .." and he keeps touring the Catholic around. As they're approaching one room however, St. Peter gets very serious and says "shh, be quiet as we go past here .." The Catholic asks why, and St. Peter says "that's where all the Baptists are -- they think they're the only ones up here!"


:pat:


Did you hear about the cannibal who passed the missionary on the side of the jungle trail?


:smileywac
 
There was a older gentleman driving down the highway at about 120 miles an hour and soon he heard the siren behind him. In his rear view mirror he saw the vehicle of a State Trooper. He knew he was in a lot of trouble and he said Lord I don’t know how I am going to get out of this one, but I believe You can help me.

He slowed down and the trooper came up to him and said: you know it’s Friday the 13th and I am getting off in about 20 minutes. If you can give me a good reason, one that I have never heard before, that I shouldn’t give you a ticket, then I will let you go.

The man thought for a minute and said “Well about 10 years ago my wife ran off with a State Trooper and I just thought that you were trying to bring her back”.

The State Trooper said goodbye and told the man to have a good day.
 
A CHOICE

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
 
A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to
the Secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
Church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform
him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have
to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir,
what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks
in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of
some of this damn money. "

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
 
Okay...............not a joke, true story!

The night before our wedding, we had the rehearsal at the church. We did the usual things that happen at a rehearsal. Well, being the smart A$$ that I am most of the time, I got the crazy idea of picking up my wife to be and carrying her back down the aisle. The preist was right behind me when I made my attempt at picking her up. What I failed to remember was that our whole family had come down with the stomach flu that week accompanied by a severe case of flatulence. You can guess what happened. The second I bent over to pick her up, out it came. :fart2: BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPP.

I sheepishly turned around to see the preist gasping for air while doing cross signs towards my butt!:yum: :yum: :applause:
 
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because
he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:

"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss
my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note:

"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
 
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.


At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be"


The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" And *poof* she's gone.


The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and *poof* she's gone.


The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing He hands it back to her and says. "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."


If you laugh, you are going straight to hell! :halo:
 
Three pastors and their wives die in a car accident and are met at the gates of Heaven by St Peter. Just as they are trying to enter St Peter stops them. "What is the big idea said the first pastor? I have been a faithful servant for 20 years!" St Peter said "Your love of money is your downfall. In fact you love money so much that you married a woman named Penny, now get out of here!" The second pastor and his wife tried to get in. St Peter said "Oh no, you aren't coming in either, you loved alcohol so much that you even married a woman named Brandy, so go on and get out of here."

The third pastor turned to his wife and said, "Come on Fannie, let's go!"

:moon:
 
The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton (HRC) are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. Hillary and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, Hillary says to the Pope, 'Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?'

His Holiness doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do.

'That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? And this joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice.'

The Senator seriously doubts this, and says so. 'One little wave of your hand and ALL the people will rejoice forever? Show me.'

So the Pope slapped her up the side of her head
 
Three Doors

A man dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, shows him three doors, and says, "You must spend the rest of eternity in one of the rooms behind these doors. Look in each one and decide which one you want."

The man opens the first door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor, looking very uncomfortable. He opens the second door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor, looking even more uncomfortable. Finally, he opens the third door, and sees a bunch of people standing around chatting and drinking coffee, up to their knees in excrement.

"Hmmm," he says, "that looks bad, but it's better than the other two. I'll take the third door." Satan smiles and shows him in. The man walks over to the coffee pot and pours himself a cup. Ten minutes later Satan walks back into the room and says, "Alright, coffee break's over, everyone back on your heads!"
 
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