Q. What do you call a pregnancy that begins
while using birth control?
A. A misconception.
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly
when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. What is a chastity belt?
A. A labour-saving device.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I'm
pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?
A. Not if you don't mind switching in the future to a
size 34-Long.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determine
a baby's sex?
A.Childbirth.
Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is
A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type
AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our
baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom
should I contact about this?
A.Your therapist.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my
baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has
a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant,
my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a
fat lip.
Q. Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory?
A. I don't remember.
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and
even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets
smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes,your bladder.
Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I can't go to bed at night
without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing
with them.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that
sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?
Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant
woman and a Playboy centrefold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows
what's good for him.
Q. What position should the baby be in during the ninth
month of pregnancy?
A. Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.
Q. How long is the average woman in labour?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll
feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might
be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery
room while my wife is in labour?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything
to you.
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver,
who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only--doctors, nurses,
orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews,
journalists, etc.
Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but
the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q. What are forceps?
A. Giant baby tweezers.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering
from childbirth?
A.Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Does labour cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labour causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Under what circumstances should a baby not be
circumcised?
A. When it's a girl, for starters.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to re-
think her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling
them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. What is the gasp reflex?
A. The reaction of a new father when he sees the new
mother's breasts.
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby
from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. Nannies aren't cheap are they?
A. Not usually, but occasionally you'll find a floozy.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother
dreams she's pregnant again.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife
begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
while using birth control?
A. A misconception.
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly
when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. What is a chastity belt?
A. A labour-saving device.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I'm
pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?
A. Not if you don't mind switching in the future to a
size 34-Long.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determine
a baby's sex?
A.Childbirth.
Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is
A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type
AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our
baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom
should I contact about this?
A.Your therapist.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my
baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has
a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant,
my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a
fat lip.
Q. Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory?
A. I don't remember.
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and
even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets
smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes,your bladder.
Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I can't go to bed at night
without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing
with them.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that
sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?
Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant
woman and a Playboy centrefold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows
what's good for him.
Q. What position should the baby be in during the ninth
month of pregnancy?
A. Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.
Q. How long is the average woman in labour?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll
feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might
be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery
room while my wife is in labour?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything
to you.
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver,
who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only--doctors, nurses,
orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews,
journalists, etc.
Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but
the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q. What are forceps?
A. Giant baby tweezers.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering
from childbirth?
A.Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Does labour cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labour causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Under what circumstances should a baby not be
circumcised?
A. When it's a girl, for starters.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to re-
think her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling
them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. What is the gasp reflex?
A. The reaction of a new father when he sees the new
mother's breasts.
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby
from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. Nannies aren't cheap are they?
A. Not usually, but occasionally you'll find a floozy.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother
dreams she's pregnant again.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife
begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
