Junkman
Extra Super Moderator
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We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop
in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell
does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often
see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The
Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the where
abouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments
that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an
ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that
you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
GHOST POOPIE:
You feel it come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet!
CLEAN POOPIE:
The poopie comes out and you see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper! Also see UPPER-CLASS POOPIE.
WET POOPIE:
Even after wiping your butt 50 times, it still feels unwiped. You end up putting some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you don't get a nasty poopie stain.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE:
Happens when you stand up after poopie-ing and start to pull your pants up. You suddenly realize that you have to poopie some more.
"POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD" POOPIE:
A poopie that causes you to strain so much, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE:
The poopie is so big, you're afraid to flush without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY POOPIE:
So noisy, everyone within earshot starts giggling.
DRINKER POOPIE:
Occurs after a long night of drinking. Most noticeable trait is the skidmarks in the toilet bowl.
CORN POOPIE:
Self explanatory.
NUT POOPIE:
Self explanatory.
"GEE, I WISH I COULD POOPIE" POOPIE:
You'd really like to poopie, but all you do is siton the toilet and fart a few times. Refer to WET POOPIE should you take Ex-Lax® to alleviate the problem.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE:
A poopie that hurts so much on the way out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways!
WET CHEEKS POOPIE:
A poopie that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with toilet water. Also referred to as a Power Dump.
LIQUID POOPIE:
Characterized by a yellowish-brown liquid that shoots out your butt andsplashes all over the toilet bowel. Also see MEXICAN POOPIE.
UPPER-CLASS POOPIE:
Leaves no odor and may also have the characteristics of a CLEAN POOPIE.
SURPRISE POOPIE:
You're not near the toilet and think you are just going to fart ... but oops! ... it's a poopie!!
THE DANGLING POOPIE:
A tough poopie that refuses to drop into the toilet, even thoughyou are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose. Also referred to as a Klingon.
We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop
in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell
does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often
see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The
Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the where
abouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments
that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an
ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that
you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
GHOST POOPIE:
You feel it come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet!
CLEAN POOPIE:
The poopie comes out and you see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper! Also see UPPER-CLASS POOPIE.
WET POOPIE:
Even after wiping your butt 50 times, it still feels unwiped. You end up putting some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you don't get a nasty poopie stain.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE:
Happens when you stand up after poopie-ing and start to pull your pants up. You suddenly realize that you have to poopie some more.
"POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD" POOPIE:
A poopie that causes you to strain so much, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE:
The poopie is so big, you're afraid to flush without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY POOPIE:
So noisy, everyone within earshot starts giggling.
DRINKER POOPIE:
Occurs after a long night of drinking. Most noticeable trait is the skidmarks in the toilet bowl.
CORN POOPIE:
Self explanatory.
NUT POOPIE:
Self explanatory.
"GEE, I WISH I COULD POOPIE" POOPIE:
You'd really like to poopie, but all you do is siton the toilet and fart a few times. Refer to WET POOPIE should you take Ex-Lax® to alleviate the problem.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE:
A poopie that hurts so much on the way out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways!
WET CHEEKS POOPIE:
A poopie that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with toilet water. Also referred to as a Power Dump.
LIQUID POOPIE:
Characterized by a yellowish-brown liquid that shoots out your butt andsplashes all over the toilet bowel. Also see MEXICAN POOPIE.
UPPER-CLASS POOPIE:
Leaves no odor and may also have the characteristics of a CLEAN POOPIE.
SURPRISE POOPIE:
You're not near the toilet and think you are just going to fart ... but oops! ... it's a poopie!!
THE DANGLING POOPIE:
A tough poopie that refuses to drop into the toilet, even thoughyou are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose. Also referred to as a Klingon.
