Okay, I'm grumpy and no more PC crap! Here we go:
New Rule: Stop sending me that ****ing pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you didn't particularly like the assholes in the first place! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! Your order is screwed up and you call the manager to complain when you get home. Guess what?! That store manager has a running bet on who can get the most calls from assholes who didn't get his pickles, or hates onions.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them and are your tits bigger?Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this shit at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some bourbon over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the goddam cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Besides, what's up with the ****ing "self checkout" shit at Walmart anyway? I don't recall applying for a damn job when I said "hello" to the greeter. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on aisle nine!
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "i'm as easy as it gets" The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just showing everyone what you did that one night your were really drunk.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those "athletes" at the poker table was just too damned exciting. Shit, I pissed my pants because I couldn't leave the tube to see if some guy got a good "river". WTF?! What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "Saterday Night Live."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega jumbo M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. Hell, I'll buy the big ole holiday bag and eat the whole damn bag! Same deal with the damn Reeses cups. What the hell! Weren't we getting fat enough with human sized cups?! Do we really need to cross into 4 digits on the calorie count for one serving?
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, beatiful, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. Were I come from, we have a different description for these kids: lucky bastards / stud.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of welfare.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't really need to know in months, weeks, days! "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese or a wine. And, I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: Stop sending me that ****ing pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you didn't particularly like the assholes in the first place! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! Your order is screwed up and you call the manager to complain when you get home. Guess what?! That store manager has a running bet on who can get the most calls from assholes who didn't get his pickles, or hates onions.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them and are your tits bigger?Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this shit at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some bourbon over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the goddam cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Besides, what's up with the ****ing "self checkout" shit at Walmart anyway? I don't recall applying for a damn job when I said "hello" to the greeter. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on aisle nine!
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "i'm as easy as it gets" The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just showing everyone what you did that one night your were really drunk.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those "athletes" at the poker table was just too damned exciting. Shit, I pissed my pants because I couldn't leave the tube to see if some guy got a good "river". WTF?! What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "Saterday Night Live."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega jumbo M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. Hell, I'll buy the big ole holiday bag and eat the whole damn bag! Same deal with the damn Reeses cups. What the hell! Weren't we getting fat enough with human sized cups?! Do we really need to cross into 4 digits on the calorie count for one serving?
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, beatiful, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. Were I come from, we have a different description for these kids: lucky bastards / stud.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of welfare.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't really need to know in months, weeks, days! "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese or a wine. And, I didn't really care in the first place.
