RoadKing
Silver Member
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
nothing too strenuous, simply, in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if
the ice cream truck hadn't come along.'
what do you get when you cross Rogaine with Viagra?
Don King
A man walks into a bar with his pet crocodile, the bartender screams and demands he get the man eating creature out of there!
The man tries to calm the bartender down and says he is very well trained to prove it the man whipped out his cock and put it in the crocodile's mouth, then he hit the crocodile over the head and after a few good smacks he pulls it out and shows the bar tender,
"Look, no marks."
The bartender is still unsure so the man asks...
"Would anyone else like to try?"
The bar is quiet and a few minutes later a blonde in the corner stands up and says...
"I will but don't smack me on the head!"
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico . While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins'.
A guy is trying to hitch-hike cross country. As he was walking he held his thumb out to everyone passing by. First person to stop was a farmer in a beat up truck. The farmer rolled down the passenger window and asked the guy if he was a democrat or a republican.
"Republican" was the answer and the farmer just drove away.
Next person to stop was a trucker who asked the same question.
Same answer was given and the trucker drove away.
So when a blond drove up in a convertable and asked him if he was a democrat or republican the guy changed his answer to democrat. "well hop in" she says and they head off down the road. She puts her hand on his leg and shortly they are pulled off the road and in the back seat going at it. When all of a sudden the guy starts laughing. "Whats so funny" she asks? "Well, I have only been a democrat for 15 min and I am allready screwing somebody"!
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf ballsand sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said,"It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity anylonger, she asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."
"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a ****, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".
The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I **** like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."
A penguin drives his car into a repair shop.
Says to the mechanic it appears to be leaking something.
Mechanic says I'll take a look
Penguin notices an ice cream shop across the street and tells the mechanic he's hot and is going to get some ice cream.
Penguin comes back about a holf hour later with ice cream dirpping down his chin and front. The little wings make holding a cone dificult.
Mechanic tells him it looks like you've blown a seal.
Penquin replies no no it's only ice cream.
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. T he bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring
my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts."The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
nothing too strenuous, simply, in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if
the ice cream truck hadn't come along.'
what do you get when you cross Rogaine with Viagra?
Don King
A man walks into a bar with his pet crocodile, the bartender screams and demands he get the man eating creature out of there!
The man tries to calm the bartender down and says he is very well trained to prove it the man whipped out his cock and put it in the crocodile's mouth, then he hit the crocodile over the head and after a few good smacks he pulls it out and shows the bar tender,
"Look, no marks."
The bartender is still unsure so the man asks...
"Would anyone else like to try?"
The bar is quiet and a few minutes later a blonde in the corner stands up and says...
"I will but don't smack me on the head!"
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico . While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins'.
A guy is trying to hitch-hike cross country. As he was walking he held his thumb out to everyone passing by. First person to stop was a farmer in a beat up truck. The farmer rolled down the passenger window and asked the guy if he was a democrat or a republican.
"Republican" was the answer and the farmer just drove away.
Next person to stop was a trucker who asked the same question.
Same answer was given and the trucker drove away.
So when a blond drove up in a convertable and asked him if he was a democrat or republican the guy changed his answer to democrat. "well hop in" she says and they head off down the road. She puts her hand on his leg and shortly they are pulled off the road and in the back seat going at it. When all of a sudden the guy starts laughing. "Whats so funny" she asks? "Well, I have only been a democrat for 15 min and I am allready screwing somebody"!
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf ballsand sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said,"It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity anylonger, she asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."
"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a ****, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".
The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I **** like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."
A penguin drives his car into a repair shop.
Says to the mechanic it appears to be leaking something.
Mechanic says I'll take a look
Penguin notices an ice cream shop across the street and tells the mechanic he's hot and is going to get some ice cream.
Penguin comes back about a holf hour later with ice cream dirpping down his chin and front. The little wings make holding a cone dificult.
Mechanic tells him it looks like you've blown a seal.
Penquin replies no no it's only ice cream.
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. T he bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring
my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts."The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket
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