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Military Humor

B

bczoom

Super Moderator
Staff member
USMC Veteran
GOLD Patron
"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
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"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine
Corps
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"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop
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"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur
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"You, you, and you. Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S.
Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
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"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
- -----------------------------------------------------

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
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"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever
volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie
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"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David
Hackworth
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"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -
Infantry Journal
- --------------------------------------------------------

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
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"Any ship can be a minesweeper .. Once." - Anonomous
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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown
Marine Recruit
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"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F.
Crickmore (test pilot)
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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire." -
Anonymous
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"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor
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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
power left to get you to the scene of the crash." - Anonymous
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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
- Anonymous
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"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
purpose of storing dead batteries." - Anonymous
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"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the
crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
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"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you." -
Anonymous
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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign
over squadron oops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to." -
Anonymous
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Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go
near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the
appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It
is much more difficult to fly there."
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"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power to taxi to the terminal." - Anonymous
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having
torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck
arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" -

-- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
 
Murphy's Laws of Combat
1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
4. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
5. The problem with the easy way out is that it has already been mined.
6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
7. Professionals are predictable; it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
1. when you're ready for them.
2. when you're not ready for them.
9. Teamwork is essential; it gives them someone else to shoot at.
10. If you can't remember, then the claymore IS pointed at you.
11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
13. If your attack is going well, then it's an ambush.
14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
16. If you build yourself a bunker that's tough for the enemy to get into quickly, then you won't be able to get out of it quickly either.
17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
19. When you've secured the area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
21. Friendly fire isn't.
22. If the sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
23. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
24. The most dangerous thing in the world is a second lieutenant with a map and a compass.
25. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
26. A grenade with a seven second fuse will always burn down in four seconds.
27. Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
28. If at first you don't succeed call in an air-strike.
29. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
30. Everything always works in your HQ; everything always fails in the colonel's HQ.
31. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
32. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
33. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
34. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
35. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
36. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
37. Interchangeable parts aren't.
38. No matter which way you have to march, it’s always uphill.
39. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove ANYTHING.
40. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
41. The one item you need is always in short supply.
42. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
43. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
44. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
45. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
46. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
47. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they DON'T want.
48. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
49. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
50. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
51. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
52. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Congressional Medal of Honor.
53. A Purple Heart just goes to prove that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
54. Suppressive fire doesn't.
55. Murphy was a grunt.
 
Good stuff Bri...thanks..:yum:

I think it's interesting how alot of that can apply to everyday non-military life too.
 
Bump


A Soldier, Sailor, Airman and Marine traveling in a car got into an argument as to which service was 'the best.' The arguing became so intense the four servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck. They were struck and killed instantly.

Soon the servicemen found themselves at the Pearly Gates
where they met St. Peter. They decided only he could be the ultimate source of truth and honesty. So, the four asked him, 'St. Peter, which branch of the United States Armed Forces is the best?' After a few moments he replied that he could not answer that and would have to kick it up to God for an answer the next time he saw Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on earth and welcome to Heaven.

Some time later the four see St. Peter and remind him of
the question they had asked when first entering Heaven.
Suddenly a sparkling white dove lands on St. Peter's shoulder. there is a note, glistening with gold dust, in the dove's beak. 'This must be the answer from the Boss, let's see what it says.'
He opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos, and St. Peter reads aloud to the servicemen.

MEMORANDUM: FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY.

TO: Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines.

SUBJ: WHICH MILITARY SERVICE IS BEST.

Gentlemen, all branches of the United States Armed Forces
are honorable and noble. Each serves America well and with distinction. Being servicemen in the United States Military represents a special calling warranting special respect, tribute and dedication. Be proud of that.

Sincerely,
GOD, USMC (Ret.)
 
Bump.

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference... If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock . If it is an Army aircraft, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Air Force aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

________________________________

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."

_____________________________

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
________________________________

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
"Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
________________________________

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

______________________________

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

________________________________

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
 
Of course there's beetle bailey. Used to read these all the time when I was a kid

beetle_bailey_comic_strip.jpg
 
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