After five decades of living in Ohio, I know how to be an Ohioan. While
I was learning, written guidelines would have been helpful. So I've
written some to assist others:
1. Know the State Casserole. The State casserole consists of canned
green beans, Campbell's cream of mushroom soup and dried onions. You can
safely take this casserole to any social event and know that you will be
accepted. In fact, Neil Armstrong almost took this casserole to the moon
in case he encountered alien life there. NASA nixed the plan out of
concern that the casserole would overburden the Apollo rocket at
liftoff.
2. Get used to food festivals. The Ohio General Assembly, in an effort
to grow bigger offensive linemen, passed legislation years ago requiring
every incorporated community to have at least one festival per year
dedicated to a high-fat food. Thus, Sugarcreek honors Swiss cheese,
Bucyrus has a bratwurst celebration and Gahanna, seeking an edge over
other towns, has recently introduced the Triglyceride and Low-density
Lipoprotein Festival. It is your duty as an Ohioan to attend these
festivals and at least buy an elephant ear.
3. Know the geography....Of Florida, I mean. I've run into Ohioans who
couldn't tell you where Toledo is but they know the exact distance from
Fort Myers to Bonita Springs. That's because all Ohioans go to Florida
in the winter. Or plan to when they retire. Or are related to retired
Ohioans who have a place in Sarasota. We consider Florida to be the
Lower Peninsula of Ohio.
4. If you can't afford to spend the winter in Florida, use the state
excuse, which is that you stay here because you like the change of
seasons. You'll be lying, but that's OK. We've all done it.
5. Speaking of Ohio weather, wear layers or die. The thing to remember
about Ohio seasons is that they can occur at anytime. We have
spring-like days in January and wintry weekends in October. April is
capable of providing a sampling of all four seasons in a single 24-hour
period. For these reasons, Ohio is the Layering Capital of the World.
Even layering, however, can pose danger...Golfers have been known to
dress for hypothermia and end up dead of heat stroke because they
couldn't strip off their layers of plaid fast enough on a changeable
spring morning.
6. Don't take Ohio place names literally. Upper Sandusky is below
regular Sandusky. Circleville is square. East Liverpool has no
counterpart to the west. Also, if a town has the same name as a foreign
capital... Lima or Berlin or Louisville, for example......you must not
pronounce it that way lest you come under suspicion as a spy. Hence,
it's not LEE-ma as in Peru, but LYE-ma as in bean, and it's BER-lin, not
Ber-LIN, like in Germany. Louisville in Ohio is pronounced Looisville,
not Looalville as in Kentucky.
7. Become mulch literate. Ohioans love mulch and appreciate its subtle
differences. Learn the difference between hardwood, cypress and pine
bark at a minimum. Researchers think the state affinity with mulch
derives from its relatively flat terrain. People have a subconscious
need for topography, and when it can't be supplied naturally, they are
more likely to make little mulch hillocks in their front yards.
(Note: THIS IS GOSPEL as known by Boyers! Ohio employs more landscaping
maniacs than any other state in the union!)
8. In order to talk sports with obsessive fans in Ohio, you have to be
knowledgeable on three levels -- professional, college and high school.
The truly expert Ohio sports fan knows not only the name of the hotshot
running back at Stow High School, who he took to the prom, what he got
on his biology quiz last week and whether or not he has a shot at making
The Ohio State Buckeyes!
9. Remember that Ohioans are never the first to embrace trends. When we
do embrace them, we do so with a Midwestern pragmatism. For example, if
you see an Ohioan with a nose ring, there's a good chance he's had it
undercoated to guard against rust.
10. The best way to sell something in Ohio is to attach the term "Amish"
to it. The product need not be genuinely Amish. This would explain the
existence of Amish moo shu pork.
I was learning, written guidelines would have been helpful. So I've
written some to assist others:
1. Know the State Casserole. The State casserole consists of canned
green beans, Campbell's cream of mushroom soup and dried onions. You can
safely take this casserole to any social event and know that you will be
accepted. In fact, Neil Armstrong almost took this casserole to the moon
in case he encountered alien life there. NASA nixed the plan out of
concern that the casserole would overburden the Apollo rocket at
liftoff.
2. Get used to food festivals. The Ohio General Assembly, in an effort
to grow bigger offensive linemen, passed legislation years ago requiring
every incorporated community to have at least one festival per year
dedicated to a high-fat food. Thus, Sugarcreek honors Swiss cheese,
Bucyrus has a bratwurst celebration and Gahanna, seeking an edge over
other towns, has recently introduced the Triglyceride and Low-density
Lipoprotein Festival. It is your duty as an Ohioan to attend these
festivals and at least buy an elephant ear.
3. Know the geography....Of Florida, I mean. I've run into Ohioans who
couldn't tell you where Toledo is but they know the exact distance from
Fort Myers to Bonita Springs. That's because all Ohioans go to Florida
in the winter. Or plan to when they retire. Or are related to retired
Ohioans who have a place in Sarasota. We consider Florida to be the
Lower Peninsula of Ohio.
4. If you can't afford to spend the winter in Florida, use the state
excuse, which is that you stay here because you like the change of
seasons. You'll be lying, but that's OK. We've all done it.
5. Speaking of Ohio weather, wear layers or die. The thing to remember
about Ohio seasons is that they can occur at anytime. We have
spring-like days in January and wintry weekends in October. April is
capable of providing a sampling of all four seasons in a single 24-hour
period. For these reasons, Ohio is the Layering Capital of the World.
Even layering, however, can pose danger...Golfers have been known to
dress for hypothermia and end up dead of heat stroke because they
couldn't strip off their layers of plaid fast enough on a changeable
spring morning.
6. Don't take Ohio place names literally. Upper Sandusky is below
regular Sandusky. Circleville is square. East Liverpool has no
counterpart to the west. Also, if a town has the same name as a foreign
capital... Lima or Berlin or Louisville, for example......you must not
pronounce it that way lest you come under suspicion as a spy. Hence,
it's not LEE-ma as in Peru, but LYE-ma as in bean, and it's BER-lin, not
Ber-LIN, like in Germany. Louisville in Ohio is pronounced Looisville,
not Looalville as in Kentucky.
7. Become mulch literate. Ohioans love mulch and appreciate its subtle
differences. Learn the difference between hardwood, cypress and pine
bark at a minimum. Researchers think the state affinity with mulch
derives from its relatively flat terrain. People have a subconscious
need for topography, and when it can't be supplied naturally, they are
more likely to make little mulch hillocks in their front yards.
(Note: THIS IS GOSPEL as known by Boyers! Ohio employs more landscaping
maniacs than any other state in the union!)
8. In order to talk sports with obsessive fans in Ohio, you have to be
knowledgeable on three levels -- professional, college and high school.
The truly expert Ohio sports fan knows not only the name of the hotshot
running back at Stow High School, who he took to the prom, what he got
on his biology quiz last week and whether or not he has a shot at making
The Ohio State Buckeyes!
9. Remember that Ohioans are never the first to embrace trends. When we
do embrace them, we do so with a Midwestern pragmatism. For example, if
you see an Ohioan with a nose ring, there's a good chance he's had it
undercoated to guard against rust.
10. The best way to sell something in Ohio is to attach the term "Amish"
to it. The product need not be genuinely Amish. This would explain the
existence of Amish moo shu pork.
:StickOutT 
