LedZap's Joke Thread

[LedZap]

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a
very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to
take all of his clothes off.

When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the
table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and
climbs on top and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks
what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies
have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he
will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to
locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and
quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.

While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window
to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.

Curious, the man asks," What are they doing in there"?

The nurse responds, " They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you
have Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care."

 

[Doc]

 

[LedZap]

Ammo Is Getting Scarce !


This morning I lucked out and was able
to buy two boxes of ammo.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home,
but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous
blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned
in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice,
"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested
in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"What kind of ammo 'ya got?"

 

[Doc]

Good one. Keep em coming.

 

[LedZap]

Hey I got a new neighbor!!

She's single...
She lives right across the street.
I can see her condo from my deck.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway and
Knocked on my door.
I rushed to open it, she looked at me and said,
"I just got home and I have this strong urge to have a good
Time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"
I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free, I have no plans at all!"
She said, "Great! Could you watch my dog?"

 

[LedZap]

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long."

The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night."

The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?

 

[LedZap]

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,

and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag

and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children,

and she will never wake you up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you want.'



Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'

God replied, 'An arm and a leg.'



Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?'



And now you know the rest of the story............!!!!

 

[LedZap]

The Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured

by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, you are the great Lone Ranger"...

"In honor of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request?'

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches,
the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",


"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
to his horse.

Silver is brought to him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears
over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,
Silver again returns,
this time with a voluptuous brunette,
more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent
and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request?"

The Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to
the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone,
the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen Very Carefully!!!
FOR...THE...LAST...TIME...
"BRING POSSE, NOT PUSSY!"

 

[LedZap]

Welfare Office ...

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say
but you will also have, as part of your job, the
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...
You started it." .....

 

[LedZap]

 

[Kane]

Quick! Where can I buy the Cooking 3.0 and the HotLingerie 7.7 software? Are the apps compatible with the missus' iPhone5?

 

[LedZap]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high
school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken
man swigging his drink as
he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed,
“He’s my old boyfriend…. I understand he took
to drinking right
after we split up those many years ago,
and I hear he hasn’t
been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?”

And then the fight started…

 

[LedZap]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
"Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are
three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like
melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are
like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions."

"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the
daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies"
are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
"Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."

 

[LedZap]

The Tiger





A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

 

[LedZap]

Drinking On A Plane . . . .

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight
from London. After the plane was airborne,
drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey,
which was promptly brought and placed before him.



The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would
like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be
savagely raped by a dozen whores
than let liquor touch my lips."



The Irishman then handed his drink back to the
attendant and said, "Me, too,
I didn't know we had a choice."

 

[LedZap]