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lawyer jokes

snow dog

snow dog

New member
Frozen Crabs and the Blonde Flight Attendant

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight
attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was
holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner
that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw
out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would
the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.


Two lessons here:


1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.


2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.



 
OK, here's a few new-to-me I found:

What do lawyers use for birth control?
. . . Their personalities.

What do you call parachuting lawyers?
. . . Skeet.

Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
. . . New Jersey had first choice!

What's the difference between a lawyer and a snake run down on the highway?
. . . Skid marks in front of the snake.

Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep?
. . . Because deep down, they are really good guys!

What do male lawyers and sperm have in common?
. . . Only one in two million do any real work!


 
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old lawyer gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
“It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted. “We got $25 between us.”
The boss screamed: “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers — we had $100 when we broke in!”
 
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.



Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A: Accountants know they're boring.


Q: Why did God invent lawyers?
A: So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.


Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.


Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: I don't know. There are some things even a blonde won't do.




A young lady goes to see a lawyer regarding a minor matter. After consultation, he notes the bill will be $100. She gives him a crisp $100 dollar bill and leaves. Sitting back, the lawyer gives the bill a flick and notices that the bill was so new and crisp it had another $100 dollar bill stuck to it. Now he was facing the age-old ethical dilemma, should he keep it himself or split it with his partner?


Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead. "Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left." His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."
 
I keep hoping to read some good, fresh lawyer jokes in this thread, but instead it's just the same old recycled material that's been posted over and over. You guys remind me of the chimpanzees in this Career Builders ad:

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JrE3NFJG0Ko"]YouTube - Career Builder 3[/ame]

:w00t2::w00t2::yum::yum:
 
An attractive woman found herself alone in the elevator with a lawyer. "I could push this red button, get down on my knees and give you the best blow job of your life," she purred. He thought a minute and said, "I'm sure you could - but what's in it for me?"
 
snow dog said:
An attractive woman found herself alone in the elevator with a lawyer. "I could push this red button, get down on my knees and give you the best blow job of your life," she purred. He thought a minute and said, "I'm sure you could - but what's in it for me?"
Click to expand...

Yeah, it is awful when an attractive woman offers me a bj in an elevator.:whistling:
 
Lawyer jokes are funny, so are medical profession jokes.. but only to a point you see.

Anywho.. I shall offer these two..

Yeah Jim, I know.. you've heard 'em..

Q: Why are there so many criminal lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

Q: What’s the difference between a divorce lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
 
JPR,

Are any of these new to you?

>
>

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The vulture's wingtips don't come off.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of only 70?
A: Your Honor.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad lawyer with a crooked politician?
A: Chelsea Clinton.

Q: If a lawyer and an IRS agent were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you have lunch or go to a movie?

Q: What's the difference between God and an attorney?
A: God doesn't think He's an attorney.



 
Danang Sailor said:
JPR,

Are any of these new to you?

>
>

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The vulture's wingtips don't come off.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of only 70?
A: Your Honor.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad lawyer with a crooked politician?
A: Chelsea Clinton.

Q: If a lawyer and an IRS agent were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you have lunch or go to a movie?

Q: What's the difference between God and an attorney?
A: God doesn't think He's an attorney.
Click to expand...

Finally!:clap:

I especially like the judge one.
 
Do you know the differance between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?


A good lawyer knows the law


A great lawyer knows the Judge
 
I heard one today,, hmmmmm




A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough.

The bartender said, "I've got to ask you - what's with the pocket business?"

The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough."
 
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