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Lawyer jokes, a special jpr thread

loboloco

loboloco

Well-known member
What do lawyers do after they die? They lie still.

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?" "It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?" "That's my business! Get me the course!" Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?

Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear"? It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, whom do you root for?

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You should take your workboots off before you jump on a trampoline.
 
If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine? Only one if you run him through slowly!

Lawyer: "Let me give you my honest opinion." Client: "No, no. I'm paying for professional advice."
 
:yum::yum::whistling:Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, "lawyer" is always the third thing they look up? Because the first thing a child looks up is "dog." The second is "snake." And under snake, the encyclopedia says "See Lawyer."
 
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
 
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Why didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart? Because even Cupid can't hit a target that small!
 
loboloco said:
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Click to expand...

This is brilliance of the highest order!
 
How can you tell a lawyer is lying? Other lawyers look interested.

Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.

If you laid all the lawyers in the world head to foot around the Equator, then... Hey, come to think of it, that's not a bad idea.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
 
Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working? Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."

A tough case was being argued in court. The defense attorney, feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle of hundred-year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be tied. "The judge'll kill me. Trying to bribe him! We're dead!" "I don't think so," his attorney told him. "I sent it in the other lawyer's name!"
 
Sometimes the plaintiff wins.

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the t rain went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
 
A prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
 
What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else thinks they’re jokes.
 
How do you tell if it is REALLY cold outside?
A lawyer has his hands in his own pockets


A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, “Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, “Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?” The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?” “$7.98.”
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.



An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. “Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me.”
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, “I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.”
“Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor, “I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000.”
The lawyer was aghast. “I’m ashamed of both of you,” he exclaimed. “I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.”
 
What’s the definition of mixed emotions?
Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.


What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them, but you never see them

I’m beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.” “Why do you say that?”
“Listen to this from his bill: ‘For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25′.”



A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”
St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 150 years old!”




Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, “Oh, look! A nut!” The second squirrel jumped on it and said, “It’s my nut!”
The first squirrel said, “That’s not fair! I saw it first!”
“Well, you may have seen it, but I have it,” argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, “You shouldn’t quarrel.
Let me resolve this dispute.” The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, “Now, give me the nut.” He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, “See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved.”
Then he reached over and said, “And for my fee, I’ll take the meat.”
 
A boat containing a lawyer, a priest, a banker, and a fireman was cruising the islands of Hawaii when suddenly it struck a reef and sank. A pack of sharks was by the reef and immediately began a feeding frenzy ... all but one, who swam up under the lawyer, took him onto his back, and carefully swam him to the beach of a nearby island, dropping him onto the sand in front of a posh resort, and then returning to the site of the sinking, where he joined in the feeding frenzy, gobbling what was left of the priest, banker, and fireman.

When it was all over, one of the other sharks asked, "Why in the world did you pass up on a perfectly wonderful feeding frenzy in order to take that fellow ashore?"

"Well, he was a lawyer, don't you see?"

"We all saw he was lawyer - so what? Why did you save him?"






























"Professional courtesy." :yum::yum::yum::yum::yum::yum:

 
Danang Sailor said:
A boat containing a lawyer, a priest, a banker, and a fireman was cruising the islands of Hawaii when suddenly it struck a reef and sank. A pack of sharks was by the reef and immediately began a feeding frenzy ... all but one, who swam up under the lawyer, took him onto his back, and carefully swam him to the beach of a nearby island, dropping him onto the sand in front of a posh resort, and then returning to the site of the sinking, where he joined in the feeding frenzy, gobbling what was left of the priest, banker, and fireman.

When it was all over, one of the other sharks asked, "Why in the world did you pass up on a perfectly wonderful feeding frenzy in order to take that fellow ashore?"

"Well, he was a lawyer, don't you see?"

"We all saw he was lawyer - so what? Why did you save him?"






























"Professional courtesy." :yum::yum::yum::yum::yum::yum:
Click to expand...

They are quite courteous (I love this joke).
 

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Q: What do you call 5000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
A: A good start!!

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving!!

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!!

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: A shortage of sand!!
[/FONT]
 
A world with no lawyers....could you imagine:yum::yum::yum::yum::yum::yum::yum:
 

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An Honest Lawyer?



A mother and her daughter were visiting the grave site of a loved one, when on their way back to the car they little girl stopped her mom. She said "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, sweetheart." her mother replied, "Why ever would you ask such a question?"
"The headstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
 
The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.

After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
 
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
 
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, "So how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and working escalators, and there's no telling what an engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
 
Have you heard they're using lawyers instead of rats in laboratories these days? There are three reasons for this:
1. Lawyers reproduce faster.
2. The scientists don't get attached to the lawyers.
3. A lawyer will do things a rat wouldn't even consider.
 
A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?" A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients." "And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching." "No, we came to make sure he was dead."
 
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