Angelface
New member
Today was pretty rough... in fact it was kinda a critical injury to my current delicate stable state of mind. I wanted to post this here so that the people who are absolutely sick of my pity posts, could see who the author was and ignore the thread. If you want to read it.. thank you. Anyways I would rather not talk about what happened but rather what is on my mind today.. As I am struggling to keep it together at the current moment in a house all to myself in a rare occasion, I felt like taking the opportunity to write something as I consider what to do next.
Life is a rather difficult journey that is not easy for anyone, poor or rich, happy or sad, healthy or sick, able or disabled.. It's easy to label someone from the outside because you can't see the real person on the inside, unless they open that up to you... In our society, it's practiced to show not who you are, but who someone wants you to be in order to survive. But like anything with life on this earth, only the strong survive.
Sometimes when you become weak, you fight the hardest to become strong once again and that isn't very easy. You win mostly just by not giving up. But even in the fight to get better, there is a right way and a wrong way in your struggle. Unfortunately for me... I have been choosing the wrong way.
For me, life was perfect last year. I had never been happier after years of fighting my damaged mental state. But as we all know, many things happened that changed everything for the worst. Though some of these things are not my fault.. some is. So in recent times my depression has got the better of me again and I became desperate to become happy and would do whatever I could to fight off and numb these awful feelings that I am so ever tired of fighting.
I am so ashamed to admit some of this and I am sure it will change many peoples opinions about me forever, but I am okay with it. In my pursuit of instant happiness, I have been abusing my pain meds and mixing them, doing something that I said was a reason for leaving the one I gave my heart. I have lied to people I know and care about to get where I wanted to be. I became selfish with the money I have made and have spent absurd amounts on myself on meaningless things trying to fill a void. I drink a lot now and on the weekends, I give myself no limit. I have slept with two random guys I don't even know a few times just to feel wanted or worth someones time. Something I told myself I would never do... the last one who I gave in and smoked marijuana with then finding out he was in another relationship. Well word got out and in this little small town, he is known. So now I have an awesome reputation to boot being called a slut at random places... which I guess would be true at this point.
So as a result of my awful actions, I have lost the majority of my good friends, and my family has cut me off. I am seriously struggling in my hard earned career and on the verge of losing it. I am trash now... a year ago I was in this nice home and neighborhood preaching how life was so great and being active in my church. I don't deserve my kids.. they need better. Their father who has them for the week has it more together than me at this point.
I am soooo lost, soooo scared, and so hurt I can't even breathe. I have never felt more alone and ashamed of myself. I have let so many people down, and it's time I did the same here. I am not worth anymore of anyone's time here. I hope I didn't waste your time and effort. Because everyone here has helped me in a lot of ways that kept me going.
I seriously want to fucking die right now.. but I have a choice to make. But no matter what, sitting here writing or complaining will not help. I have to do something more about it to make it all better in time. I know I should call a crisis line... it would be the one right thing I have done in awhile. Please do not worry about me, for one I am not worth the worry.. I wronged you all in so many ways. You are all such beautiful people who are such a gift to humanity. I wish I was just like some of you. But I am really sick right now. So thank you..
Life is a rather difficult journey that is not easy for anyone, poor or rich, happy or sad, healthy or sick, able or disabled.. It's easy to label someone from the outside because you can't see the real person on the inside, unless they open that up to you... In our society, it's practiced to show not who you are, but who someone wants you to be in order to survive. But like anything with life on this earth, only the strong survive.
Sometimes when you become weak, you fight the hardest to become strong once again and that isn't very easy. You win mostly just by not giving up. But even in the fight to get better, there is a right way and a wrong way in your struggle. Unfortunately for me... I have been choosing the wrong way.
For me, life was perfect last year. I had never been happier after years of fighting my damaged mental state. But as we all know, many things happened that changed everything for the worst. Though some of these things are not my fault.. some is. So in recent times my depression has got the better of me again and I became desperate to become happy and would do whatever I could to fight off and numb these awful feelings that I am so ever tired of fighting.
I am so ashamed to admit some of this and I am sure it will change many peoples opinions about me forever, but I am okay with it. In my pursuit of instant happiness, I have been abusing my pain meds and mixing them, doing something that I said was a reason for leaving the one I gave my heart. I have lied to people I know and care about to get where I wanted to be. I became selfish with the money I have made and have spent absurd amounts on myself on meaningless things trying to fill a void. I drink a lot now and on the weekends, I give myself no limit. I have slept with two random guys I don't even know a few times just to feel wanted or worth someones time. Something I told myself I would never do... the last one who I gave in and smoked marijuana with then finding out he was in another relationship. Well word got out and in this little small town, he is known. So now I have an awesome reputation to boot being called a slut at random places... which I guess would be true at this point.
So as a result of my awful actions, I have lost the majority of my good friends, and my family has cut me off. I am seriously struggling in my hard earned career and on the verge of losing it. I am trash now... a year ago I was in this nice home and neighborhood preaching how life was so great and being active in my church. I don't deserve my kids.. they need better. Their father who has them for the week has it more together than me at this point.
I am soooo lost, soooo scared, and so hurt I can't even breathe. I have never felt more alone and ashamed of myself. I have let so many people down, and it's time I did the same here. I am not worth anymore of anyone's time here. I hope I didn't waste your time and effort. Because everyone here has helped me in a lot of ways that kept me going.
I seriously want to fucking die right now.. but I have a choice to make. But no matter what, sitting here writing or complaining will not help. I have to do something more about it to make it all better in time. I know I should call a crisis line... it would be the one right thing I have done in awhile. Please do not worry about me, for one I am not worth the worry.. I wronged you all in so many ways. You are all such beautiful people who are such a gift to humanity. I wish I was just like some of you. But I am really sick right now. So thank you..
