I just need to let it out.

[Tractors4u]

I haven't posted on here in a while. I guess I didn't feel like I've had anything to bring to the table or maybe just lack of interest. So many things have changed in my life in the last 3 years. I keep a lot of things to myself and even with my closest friends, I can keep my problems hidden. It was 5 years ago Thursday that I left for Iraq. I was proud of what I was doing and thought I was doing the right thing. I paid for it by missing my kids birthdays and my youngest daughter's first day of kindergarten.

The deployment was about as good as one could be, we were not a combat unit and we were about as safe as you could be in Iraq. I could write a book about it, but I will try to give you the Readers Digest version. Needless to say I became suspicious of my wife's social activities. Then I realized that she had spend about $40,000 that she couldn't account for. The $40K total came as we were about to get divorced.

When I got home I tried to settle back in to civilian life, but things still bothered me. Oddly, I felt more productive and a part of things when I was in Iraq. 8 months after getting home I was online looking at the cell phone bill and almost vomited when I saw the number of calls to one of her male co-workers and the 2 and 3 A.M. text messages. I had been suspicious of her and him because of the way she talked about him and it was just like the last guy that she became fond of and admitted to hitting on while on a work trip.

We ended up in marriage counseling for 6 or 7 months and it didn't help. She didn't see where she had done anything wrong. I had gotten her email password and knew when they would go to lunch together, chatted, etc even after she swore there was no more contact.

Our divorce was final in April of 2010. She stayed in our old house. I bought a smaller house about 3 miles away. I see my kids often, but she has primary custody. I get them every other weekend. My girls are 14 and 11 and now when I look at pictures of them when they were little I just break down and cry. It's like they aren't mine any more, I just get to borrow them from time to time.

I pay $1000 a month child support and I am barely scrapping by month to month.

Even though I moved out 2 years ago, I still have a tough time. I've dated a few people in the last year since I've been divorced. A few nice ones and one crazy one. One girl in particular owns my heart now, but I haven't won hers yet. Sometimes I think she is there and then she backs away.

I would just like some smooth sailing for a while. I've dealt with so much crap that I think I have earned just a little bit of happiness.

 

[fogtender]

There is a lot in life that really sucks, but when the rainbows come out, it makes it all worthwhile.

My heart goes out to you and there will be a gal that comes along and tricks your trigger and you do the same for her, you just need to keep your eyes and heart open! It's just a tad depressing getting up to the point of finding her at times, but it will be a rainbow moment when you do!

Your daughters will realize how great a father they have someday and that will be a rainbow moment for them as well, and you will realize that it was all worthwhile in spite of the storms.

As far as Iraq, you were a hero of mine when you first started to post about it....

 

[bczoom]

Wow. Sorry to hear all this.

I'll be pulling for your life to get back to some semblance of order and hoping you and your kids can become tighter.

 

[NorthernRedneck]

I understand where you are coming from. I went through the same type of thing in the past year or so. Although I wasn't gone away for a long period of time and I have my son living with me. The oldest boy now lives with his dad and the ex lives 17 hrs away and only sees the kids a couple times a year now.

Keep your chin up. It does get better. Things are tight for me too money wise but I try to look at the big picture that at least I have my son and my health. The rest is just minor details.

 

[Cowboy]

There is a lot in life that really sucks, but when the rainbows come out, it makes it all worthwhile.

My heart goes out to you and there will be a gal that comes along and tricks your trigger and you do the same for her, you just need to keep your eyes and heart open! It's just a tad depressing getting up to the point of finding her at times, but it will be a rainbow moment when you do!

Your daughters will realize how great a father they have someday and that will be a rainbow moment for them as well, and you will realize that it was all worthwhile in spite of the storms.

As far as Iraq, you were a hero of mine when you first started to post about it....

I dont think it can be said much better then this . But thankyou for your service and I truly pray and wish things start going better for you soon .

 

[fogtender]

Have you given much thought to dragging anchor and moving to a new place? That may make it tougher to see the girls, but having a live you can fell a bit lighter in may be a bit more healthy too.

 

[Tractors4u]

I couldn't do that. This area is home for me. I couldn't stand to be too far from my girls.

And to everyone else, thank you for your kind words.

 

[thcri]

I shall continue to pray Brent.

 

[Melensdad]

Brents sorry to hear about all the troubles. I knew you had problems with your wife from a few years ago but it really is a shame that your relationships with your daughters and your adjustment to civilian life hasn't been better.

 

[XeVfTEUtaAqJHTqq]

I think it took me about two years to really get over my first divorce but I didn't have kids and didn't have to deal with the ongoing drama that you are probably dealing with.

It's also not exactly a great economy to be "starting over" in.

Hang tough, it will get better in time.

 

[Snowtrac Nome]

I do feel for you my first wife went off the deep end she also got primary custody and to see her i had to fork out 500 bucks for a plane ticket. she has now grown up and joined the national gaurd in her daddys foot steps.even though i got her for 2 to 2 1/2 months a year i as able to make a lasting impression her mother squandered her child support to the tune of 1000 bucks a month like you than still had to buy her new clothes for school cause her mother went to the local thrift store to buy them. now your kids will eventualy notice this and as long as you have a positive influince on them the kids will respect you for life for what you have done as far as your deployment i also understand this as i had problems with mine too. my wife #2 fell off the wagon with my youngest while he was still a new born when i came home he had no idea who i was but it didn't him long who dad was. as tough as it was for me to be half way around the world away from my family and not being there for my kids i still think what we did was right . thank you for your service your kids will always be proud of what you have done. dont feel bad about being single sometimes i wished i was still that way

 

[pirate_girl]

Don't be in such a rush to find another woman Brents.
You still need to take the time to get over being wronged by your ex while you were away serving our country (that's obviously still bothering you a great deal).
You can still see your daughters, and that's a good thing.
It sounds like one hot mess, but I am sure you'll get through it just fine, given time.
P.S. - marriage counseling is a big joke.
When it's over and you've been screwed and hurt big time, then it's OVER, IMO.
I never trusted my first husband after all the shit he pulled in that marriage.

One fine day... the woman who is right for you will come along, promise!

 

[jpr62902]

I think it took me about two years to really get over my first divorce but I didn't have kids and didn't have to deal with the ongoing drama that you are probably dealing with.

It's also not exactly a great economy to be "starting over" in.

Hang tough, it will get better in time.

Don't be in such a rush to find another woman Brents.
You still need to take the time to get over being wronged by your ex while you were away serving our country (that's obviously still bothering you a great deal).
You can still see your daughters, and that's a good thing.
It sounds like one hot mess, but I am sure you'll get through it just fine, given time.
P.S. - marriage counseling is a big joke.
When it's over and you've been screwed and hurt big time, then it's OVER, IMO.
I never trusted my first husband after all the shit he pulled in that marriage.

One fine day... the woman who is right for you will come along, promise!

These two posts struck a particular chord with me.

Folks need time to recover from a divorce, particularly the nasty ones. Don't rush back into the dating scene.

The cool thing is, once you are ready to start dating again, you're gonna have a blast.

 

[Doc]

Best wishes for you Brents. Sorry to hear all the crap you've had to go through, mainly thanks to your ex. Focus on the future and heed the good words of the posters prior to me. Some dang good advice there, better than I can come up with at this time. I wish you well and thanks for your service.

 

[Trakternut]

P.S. - marriage counseling is a big joke.
When it's over and you've been screwed and hurt big time, then it's OVER, IMO.

Counseling can't be painted with the broad brush you used, Lollie. It's up to the participants for the most part. Do they really WANT to mend their relationship? The counselor is only a facilitator. If one of the two parties isn't truly interested in making changes, it ain't gonna work.

Even the worst hurts can be overcome, but, the same thing applies as I said above. both parties have to want to make changes and must want the relationship to be repaired.


As for you, Brents, it must have been a helluva slap in the face to be serving your country, sacrificing time away from family and friends, and find out what was going on behind your back.

Thinkin' of ya, Buddy!

 

[OhioTC18]

Brents, I've been right where you are now. Divorced and trying to start over, even though I thought my heart had been ripped out. Dated quite a few losers and substance abusers. After 3 years I thought I finally found "the one". We dated and had a ball, life was great. We decided to move in together. She got a long great with the kids. They loved her, even though they would push her when I wasn't nearby, "You're not my Mom". Along came time for the wedding. The ex announces she is moving across the country and taking my son with her (he is 6, the other son is 13 by another ex). I checked all sources and there was no way to stop her. So the day after the wedding my son left for Washington state with his Mom. My heart got ripped out again. Due to financial issues we only saw him 3 times in 3 years, but I had to fly her back twice too so she could see her family while I had him with us all summer. Then they came back, we agreed to be somewhat friends for his sake. After 22 years, he is one of my best friends, my oldest son is another and the ex has passed away. But for him I was at her bedside when she passed. Oh yeah, my wonderful wife of 22 years now, is tops on my best friends list. She stuck with it along side me through all the crap my ex threw out.

Hang in there Brents. The right girl will come along. Stay close to the kids and make every attempt to be there as a positive influence in their lives.

 

[pirate_girl]

Counseling can't be painted with the broad brush you used, Lollie. It's up to the participants for the most part. Do they really WANT to mend their relationship? The counselor is only a facilitator. If one of the two parties isn't truly interested in making changes, it ain't gonna work.

Even the worst hurts can be overcome, but, the same thing applies as I said above. both parties have to want to make changes and must want the relationship to be repaired.

I was speaking of my own personal experience which happens to run along the same lines as what Brent's gone through... a cheating spouse who ripped my family apart at that time.

We (the sperm donor and I) tried on the advice of friends from our church, counseling through the church (whatever group it is, can't recall now).
What a joke.
I wasn't going to sit through a series of sessions with a man who screwed women behind my back, yet was considered an upstanding member of our church and community and was showing a different public face, but quite another at home.
He wasn't in the least bit sorry.. just that he'd got caught.
There was nothing on this earth that could have made me forgive him for what he did.

This is Brent's thread, so I'll stop adding my own experience with this type of pain from the past.
Thank God I found Steven and had years of happiness with him as the love of my life, short as they were.

 

[Lia]

Don't be in such a rush to find another woman Brents.
You still need to take the time to get over being wronged by your ex while you were away serving our country (that's obviously still bothering you a great deal).

Good points from pg Brent... Take your time, assess every situation before you act on it, and remember always, you're one of the unsung heroes.

In the last few decades separation and divorce has become very much a woman's domain, especially in the eye's of the law. Divorce and custody legislation issues have swayed so far the other way (because for centuries it was the man's domain, in all domestic respects), that its now, imho, still extremely unequal, and geared to take the shirt off a guys back, and strip him of any pride he ever had, so often.

Its not fair; its not a fair world, but believe me, this state of affairs will pass; things will become easier for you as time goes on. And, as some have said here, nothing can take away from the enormous debt that our country owes to you and others like you. You stand tall in our eye's...

Good luck!

But

 

[Trakternut]

I was speaking of my own personal experience which happens to run along the same lines as what Brent's gone through... a cheating spouse who ripped my family apart at that time.

We (the sperm donor and I) tried on the advice of friends from our church, counseling through the church (whatever group it is, can't recall now).
What a joke.
I wasn't going to sit through a series of sessions with a man who screwed women behind my back, yet was considered an upstanding member of our church and community and was showing a different public face, but quite another at home.
He wasn't in the least bit sorry.. just that he'd got caught.
There was nothing on this earth that could have made me forgive him for what he did.

This is Brent's thread, so I'll stop adding my own experience with this type of pain from the past.
Thank God I found Steven and had years of happiness with him as the love of my life, short as they were.

Right. We did take his thread off track. Your situation illustrated exactly what I meant. Your ex wasn't, in the least, interested in making the necessary changes to keep your relationship going and, after what he'd done, neither were you. Marriage counseling was a waste of time in your case.

Now, back to Brents.

 

[Danang Sailor]

Brents,

I feel for you. Luckily my situation was the exact opposite of yours; Dragonfly Lady was totally supportive and true
through all of my absences and "covered" for me during all of the missed birthdays and holidays. However, I had to
help a number of others who ended up in your situation, or worse, so I have some idea what you've been through.
Hang in there, Brother - it really does get better after a while, and your girls will come to see who the hero was in all
this and love you the more for it.

Although it would be tough (because of the girls) have you considered going back on active duty? That was the
thing that ended up saving some of my mates; it was the only thing that had been really worthwhile in their lives,
and going back to it they regained their self esteem and a sense of personal worth.

 

[Tractors4u]

I was in the National Guard and retired last September. It looked like I was going to have to make another deployment, but this time to Afghanistan. I'd already accepted that I would have to go and I would make the best out of it. When I told my kids, my youngest said "can't you just get out now?" I thought about and said, "you know, I can" So I retired. In the tough times I've though about getting back in just to escape. That would only put off the problem. Besides, it would distance them from me and I want to be here to be a positive influence on them as much as possible.

 

[Snowtrac Nome]

i remember my deployment no time to think about stuff at ome when bed time came i could sleep i still missed the whole family i'm glad i made the choice i did and retired but sometimes i still miss life in uniform and the smell of them canvass seats

 

[pirate_girl]

I couldn't do that. This area is home for me. I couldn't stand to be too far from my girls.

I was in the National Guard and retired last September. It looked like I was going to have to make another deployment, but this time to Afghanistan. I'd already accepted that I would have to go and I would make the best out of it. When I told my kids, my youngest said "can't you just get out now?" I thought about and said, "you know, I can" So I retired.
Besides, it would distance them from me and I want to be here to be a positive influence on them as much as possible.

You've shared what you really want to do and what's more important.
Your girls should be your focus right now.
You do not need a woman in your life until you feel happy and settled just being Brents in your own world... you and the Daddy of two girls.

 

[BigAl]

First : Thank you so much for your service to our country !

Second : I kinda been down the same path and it hurts like hell and you need time to think and adjust .But time helps heal the wounds .

Third : Life ( love ) will get better and I know it cause I just passed 21 years and going strong with that new girl/wife that now rocks my world !!!!!!!!! Even to this day she still takes my breath away when she smiles at me . I am one lucky dude !

Forth : Your day is coming soon . Go slow and take the time to really know your partner !!!


Fifth : God Bless