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Friend's wife passed away

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XeVfTEUtaAqJHTqq

Master of Distraction
Staff member
My neighbor's wife passed away this morning due to cancer. It wasn't a total surprise. He's a good friend but I haven't had a lot of experience with this sort of thing.

I already spoke with him and offered to help with his pets and yard.

What would be the appropriate thing to send? Flowers or do those wait until the funeral?
 
I would hold off. A lot of families are requesting that other things be done in lieu of flowers such as donation to church, hospice or other organization person belong too or supported.

Biggest thing is being there for the guy and being a good listener as sometimes the widowed just likes to talk about the deceased and needs someone to listen. It helps the process if someone close by is a good listener.
 
k-dog said:
I would hold off. A lot of families are requesting that other things be done in lieu of flowers such as donation to church, hospice or other organization person belong too or supported.

Biggest thing is being there for the guy and being a good listener as sometimes the widowed just likes to talk about the deceased and needs someone to listen. It helps the process if someone close by is a good listener.
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Sorry to here PB . Thats the best advice IMO as well . :flowers:
 
It's hard to balance enough with too much but he's going to need both your support and his solitude. Try to be with him for a few days after the funeral. If you need more, call me at (PB - got it), email at (PB - got it) or PM through the board. I've been through the loss of a wife and I'll help in any way I can.

Prayers really do work. Take a moment to hold his hand and kneel in prayer. It will help him to release his grief. Just be ready to see the strongest man you've known reduced to tears. It's just fucking awful.

Cary
 
k-dog said:
Biggest thing is being there for the guy and being a good listener as sometimes the widowed just likes to talk about the deceased and needs someone to listen. It helps the process if someone close by is a good listener.
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:thumb:
 
All advise given has been great, the only thing I could add being your neighbors is a covered dish. It's a hectic time for him and eating will be the last thing he'll spend time on let alone prepare.
 
Thanks everyone. Great advice and it all makes sense.

He has his family around at the moment but I'll touch base with him later in the day.
 
Alonzo Tubbs said:
Just be ready to see the strongest man you've known reduced to tears. It's just fucking awful.
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Honestly, even though I pretty much knew this was coming I find myself welling up about it. I don't cry much but it is sure sad to see good people hurt like this and this guy is one of the nicest people I know.
 
It is customary in my family to send food when a person passes away. There will be lots of people in and out, and this takes away the concern of having to feed everyone. I recently sent a spiral cut ham, 4 loaves of bread and 5# of potato salad to the home of a friend who lost his wife to cancer. Snack foods and cookies are good as some will not feel like eating large meals. Some send food to the funeral home if there will be a viewing so the family does not have to leave between visiting hours. A party tray is also very appropriate or even a full dinner meal if you know the family's schedule will allow it. The extra food can be welcomed in the days following the funeral when the family is still grieving and dealing with out of town guests.
 
Sometimes it's good just to give space. It takes alot to process the death of someone close to you. They will need lots of thinking time alone. I suggest keeping an eye out, say hello when you cross paths and offer support.
 
JEV said:
It is customary in my family to send food when a person passes away. There will be lots of people in and out, and this takes away the concern of having to feed everyone. I recently sent a spiral cut ham, 4 loaves of bread and 5# of potato salad to the home of a friend who lost his wife to cancer. Snack foods and cookies are good as some will not feel like eating large meals. Some send food to the funeral home if there will be a viewing so the family does not have to leave between visiting hours. A party tray is also very appropriate or even a full dinner meal if you know the family's schedule will allow it. The extra food can be welcomed in the days following the funeral when the family is still grieving and dealing with out of town guests.
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I agree, this can be a god send for the family as people come and go from the house in preparation for the funeral and after,you have my condolences ,just having someone there on call is a great thing to know, and helps with planning:flowers:
 
A family friend lost his wife last year. He was devastated. But, most of all, even after several months had gone by, and whilst I was visiting him one day, he 'welled up' when I mentioned something quite innocuous (or so I thought), regarding his washing machine. Suddenly, to my horror he completely broke down and sobbed like a baby.

I was on my own, and rather at a loss as to how to console him, not really knowing what I had said to bring about such a reaction. After a while, as I just sat there and waited quietly for him to recover his orientation, he began to speak, at first trying to apologize for his loss of control. I quickly reassured him, and we sat and talked for a while.

He told me that the hardest thing to cope with was that he simply had had no idea whatsoever of how much his wife actually did in running the home, and of how much looking after it took to look after him. He said that he realised now, just how much he had taken for granted, and was non-plussed regarding what needed to be done around the home. "I had no idea, no idea, no idea..."

He just kept repeating that and my heart went out to him. I felt so guilty, and inadequate. He simply was not managing to cope with the everyday household chores. Literally. The simple things like cooking, ironing, washing, bed making, dusting, vacuuming, etc. We had all been giving him time, time to talk, and time to just sit a spell, have a cup of tea/coffee with him, but what he actually needed was for someone to make a plan, to help him to organize a routine. Just to 'start him off' on a daily routine, so that he could manage better.

No one had actually thought to say, 'Can I do some shopping for you, or, do you know how to roast a joint? Can I show you?' We were all 'there for him in spirit, and emotionally,' but not physically. Needless to say, he is well on the road to having some form of domestic stability in his life now. All his friends rallied round, in a more constructive way. He still wells up when speaking of his wife, naturally, but we can all see a definite improvement to his spiritual orientation now.
 
k-dog said:
I would hold off. A lot of families are requesting that other things be done in lieu of flowers such as donation to church, hospice or other organization person belong too or supported.

Biggest thing is being there for the guy and being a good listener as sometimes the widowed just likes to talk about the deceased and needs someone to listen. It helps the process if someone close by is a good listener.
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I agree. Great advice.

My wife just passed away a little over a month ago on July 14th. The best thing in the world for him will be having someone to talk to. Having someone to talk to is a bigger gift than you may realize.

And as another said, offering food is a big plus as well. It's kind of hard to get motivated to cook at a time like this.
 
Keltin said:
I agree. Great advice.

My wife just passed away a little over a month ago on July 14th. The best thing in the world for him will be having someone to talk to. Having someone to talk to is a bigger gift than you may realize.

And as another said, offering food is a big plus as well. It's kind of hard to get motivated to cook at a time like this.
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Sorry to hear that, Keltin.
 
Lia said:
A family friend lost his wife last year. He was devastated. But, most of all, even after several months had gone by, and whilst I was visiting him one day, he 'welled up' when I mentioned something quite innocuous (or so I thought), regarding his washing machine. Suddenly, to my horror he completely broke down and sobbed like a baby.

I was on my own, and rather at a loss as to how to console him, not really knowing what I had said to bring about such a reaction. After a while, as I just sat there and waited quietly for him to recover his orientation, he began to speak, at first trying to apologize for his loss of control. I quickly reassured him, and we sat and talked for a while.

He told me that the hardest thing to cope with was that he simply had had no idea whatsoever of how much his wife actually did in running the home, and of how much looking after it took to look after him. He said that he realised now, just how much he had taken for granted, and was non-plussed regarding what needed to be done around the home. "I had no idea, no idea, no idea..."

He just kept repeating that and my heart went out to him. I felt so guilty, and inadequate. He simply was not managing to cope with the everyday household chores. Literally. The simple things like cooking, ironing, washing, bed making, dusting, vacuuming, etc. We had all been giving him time, time to talk, and time to just sit a spell, have a cup of tea/coffee with him, but what he actually needed was for someone to make a plan, to help him to organize a routine. Just to 'start him off' on a daily routine, so that he could manage better.

No one had actually thought to say, 'Can I do some shopping for you, or, do you know how to roast a joint? Can I show you?' We were all 'there for him in spirit, and emotionally,' but not physically. Needless to say, he is well on the road to having some form of domestic stability in his life now. All his friends rallied round, in a more constructive way. He still wells up when speaking of his wife, naturally, but we can all see a definite improvement to his spiritual orientation now.
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That is exactly, 100% right. I'm still amazed at how much Lisa did that now rests on my shoulders. I'm not as good as she was at washing clothes, cleaning the cat litter, vacuuming, DUSTING, etc, etc, etc. I really had no idea how much she did. I haven't seen dust in over 10 years, or washed clothes, or anything. I see dust now though....

Great post.
 
Keltin, I am so very sorry for your loss. I so hope that you have many good friends and family who can rally round and help you thro what must be an extremely difficult time for you. Best wishes to you for the future.

:flowers:
 
I'm fine, thank you. I'm just thrilled by how you and your friends helped your friend with his domestic plans. That really is a big thing and really does help. Maybe PBinWA can do something similar for their neighbor. It really does help! Big time! I'm so glad you posted that! :clap:
 
It's the little things that really help. Little things like how colors bleed in the wash! All my whites aren't white anymore! :yum:
 
My daughter's best friend's mom died about a month ago. Cancer.

In lieu of flowers we donated money to the type of cancer research that would eventually lead to treatments/cure of her specific type of cancer.
 
PBinWA said:
More good advice. Thanks everyone.

Keltin, my condolences. I hope this didn't stir up too many emotions.
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No, not at all. I just wanted to share personal advice that might help. This thread isn't about me, I just thought I could lend some first-hand advice. Lia's post is dead-on, and I'm so glad she posted that.
 
All previous posts are excellent advice. The husband and any family need fed and who wants to cook at this time? Flowers would be appropriate for the funeral.
 
PBinWA said:
My neighbor's wife passed away this morning due to cancer. It wasn't a total surprise. He's a good friend but I haven't had a lot of experience with this sort of thing.

I already spoke with him and offered to help with his pets and yard.

What would be the appropriate thing to send? Flowers or do those wait until the funeral?
Click to expand...


Well having had cancer and been treated for it and survived it, I can imagine the constant sorrow of him having to deal with his wife's cancer. It is like watching a slow wreck and there is nothing you can do about it.

To lose someone instantly isn't easy to deal with, but cancer is slow and drags all the family's souls down over a long period with emotional peaks and valleys during the couse of the treatments.

As a suggestion, you may make a donation in the name of your friend's wife to (as mentioned earlier) an organization that helped with her treatments. Put the reciept in with a card from you and some simple tree/flowers that are alive and can be replanted in her name. Since I don't know a tree from a flower, maybe those that do here can make some positive suggestions.

My heart goes out to your friend and for the loss all of you that knew her have suffered.

When I was getting radiation treatments, it was tough to sit with people that were far worse than me, they had hopes that a miracle would have transpired, some it did, and some it didn't, but we all shared a bond as if we were related by blood.
 
It's early days, PB. He's got a lot going on. Funeral arrangements, family and friends coming and going, etc. Bringing food is a great first step. His life is pretty busy right now. It's the days following the funeral that he'll actually have time for reality to set in. That's where you step in. Lia's post about helping him organize and manage his personal affairs is so well thought out and right on target. Along with that, he's going to need a friend. Someone who he'll feel comfortable with when the tears come, when the loneliness hits like a freight train. Open your doors to him. Invite him over for a meal a couple times a week, or whatever works.

The visits from others will slow, then stop. That's when he'll need you. Dealing with his grief takes time. Months, even years. Be prepared to be his rock for some time to come. It's not going to always be convenient for you. But, as a human being and a friend, you'll need to. He needs to be comfortable knowing that you'll stop cutting the grass to sit with him for a while. Outside of your obligations to work and your family, you need to shoulder an obligation to him to be his rock. In time, he'll start to stand on his own two feet more and more. Remember, grieving knows no calendar or clock. Each person has his own individual timetable of "getting over it", if you can use that term. Be generous and allow him to move at his own pace. It will try your patience at times.

You seem like a pretty sensitive and cool guy. Your instincts will lead you.

I learned a lot by watching my wife go through her grieving, after the loss of her son. Feel free to pm me at any time if I can be of help to you.

And, Keltin, I believe I expressed my condolences on NCT, when you brought out the news of your loss, however, I'd like to repeat them here.
I'm sorry for your loss.
 
Monte said exactly what I was going to say. It's when his family leaves that he will need you the most. Drop by and say hi more often. Invite him over for a beer or to look at the guns you lost in the sunken boat. There are hard, lonely times ahead as he goes through this adjustment.
 
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