• Please be sure to read the rules and adhere to them. Some banned members have complained that they are not spammers. But they spammed us. Some even tried to redirect our members to other forums. Duh. Be smart. Read the rules and adhere to them and we will all get along just fine. Cheers. :beer: Link to the rules: https://www.forumsforums.com/threads/forum-rules-info.2974/

Finally Home

BoneheadNW

BoneheadNW

Active member
I arrived home last night after over 3 weeks of being away. My father is terminally ill. My parents have been reluctant to change their lifestyle to suit my father's needs. Strains have been put on the entire family causing arguments and fights that no one had ever thought possible. I have had to make decisions for my father that I never thought I would have to make as I am the youngest of his children and have never been in a position of control. I have had to care for my father much the same way that my parents had to care for me when I was very young, a man who, until a few months ago, was a strong dominant guy. I have to consider the future, my job, where I live, the needs of my wife and kids, and how I will be able to help care for my parents.

I write this not to ask for sympathy or prayers, but to let you all know what my situation is. I know that my family will get through this, but it has surely taken a toll.
Bonehead
 
Glad to have you back Bone! Good luck with all of this. I wish I had some words of wisdom but I'm probably going to have to go through the same thing with my mother in the next ten years or so.
 
Good to see you back Bone. Sorry to hear about your ordeal. Life has a way of throwing things at you that you never ever thought could happen. No answers here either, other than to say I know of what you speak. You and your dad will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
 
welcome back Bone.....fingers crossed things will get better soon for you and your family.

Kimi.
 
Bonehead,

You know if you ever need someone to talk to, we are all here. Tough decisions to make, I know but from what I know of you from the forums, you will make the right decisions. :thumb:
 
The wife and I were on our way back from a couple of days at "The Farm". We were listening to NPR and a series called "As I believe" (?) Anyway the story was of a physician who while on vacation with his family learned that his 2 year old son had Autism. The part that struck me the most as he talked about the challenges he faced as his son grew older was how he remembered being asked by his patients for advice on dealing with the various tragedies they faced and his frustration in not being more helpful than he was. He learned that his experiences with his son would provide him the insight he needed. He said something to the effect that we somehow learn to adapt and find a way to cope and that we should look at everything, the good and the bad, as part of the adventure, important parts that help us be complete human beings.

Bone, I wish you strength of mind and heart. As, although more common and occurance than most realize, individually, there is no other experience like it.

Most importantly, you are right, your family will come thru!

Cowboy
 
Bone, I feel for ya. I was also thrust into a similar situation about 3yrs ago when my dear Dad passed on, leaving me to take care of Mama, (in the early stages of Alzheimer's), their 70 acres, (including 5 in orange grove), my own family, and my full time job. Mom's depression and dementia got worse, & she was fighting me tring to help her with meds. We don't know if she was taking any, or taking it 3 times a day. After coming out of hospital with a bout of pneumonia, she had to go to assisted living, the facility about 3 miles from the house. With her meds strait and thinking clear, she signed the place over to me, saying I had done more for her and Daddy than my brother and 3 sisters put together. (For their own reasons, they were too busy to help out much.) This caused hard feelings with my siblings, all living within 5 miles.
I thank God every day for my wife, there is no way I could do it all my self. Cory pretty much sees to it Mama is taken care of while I try to make the place make a profit, which goes to take care of Mom.
Bonehead, you will not regret helping out your parents. May God bless you for it. You, and all your family, are in our prayers.
 
Sorry to hear about this Bone.

Rest assured you have a lot of support here.
I'd just like to say, been there -done that with my own father and his struggle with terminal cancer.
One of the things I think that causes so much frustration within the family is simply not knowing how to handle what lies ahead.

I sincerely hope you and the rest of your family find perfect peace and a sense of purpose in all this.
Right now the focus should be on your Father and what's best for him.

Peace, good thoughts and lotsa hugs!
 
Bonehead, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.

Based on similar experience here, I think you have to do what you can, but not give up the life you have made for yourself.

Only by employing 24/7 caregivers, starting from 1998, have my wife and I stayed sane as we lost three of our four parents. Mom at 97 burns out about one caregiver per year. I've gotten to the point where I say phone me from the ER, since the message in the last few years is always that Mom has perked up and is demanding I get there quick to drive her home before they try to hospitalize her again. So far. (We sat with her in the terminal room several times in the mid-nineties). I had gotten to the point where I never had a drink because I always had to manage crises when I was dead tired and wasn't up to it.

Everybody kept telling us 'the caregiver goes first.' Some advice based on our experience: don't put yourself on an unrecoverable path to burnout. Even your parents wouldn't want that for you. Recognize it simply takes more than one full time person to look over one aged person. Save your sanity and employ that full timer, don't try to do it yourself.

Mom has a great sense of humor. A while back she gave me a card with a New Yorker cartoon in it. The cartoon was an exasperated shoe salesman serving an impossible-to-please old lady and there are shoeboxes strewn everywhere. In one he hasn't reached for yet, he has brought a pistol. Mom thought that was hilarious and said she expected I would find it funny too. In other words, Mom recognizes the stress she causes, she just can't do anything about it.

You have to recognize that the crisis mode you have gotten sucked into is the 'new normal', and arrange things for your own family to survive in that environment.

And don't expect siblings to respect your sacrifices. It doesn't work that way.
 
California said:
Bonehead, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.

Based on similar experience here, I think you have to do what you can, but not give up the life you have made for yourself.

Only by employing 24/7 caregivers, starting from 1998, have my wife and I stayed sane as we lost three of our four parents. Mom at 97 burns out about one caregiver per year. I've gotten to the point where I say phone me from the ER, since the message in the last few years is always that Mom has perked up and is demanding I get there quick to drive her home before they try to hospitalize her again. So far. (We sat with her in the terminal room several times in the mid-nineties). I had gotten to the point where I never had a drink because I always had to manage crises when I was dead tired and wasn't up to it.

Everybody kept telling us 'the caregiver goes first.' Some advice based on our experience: don't put yourself on an unrecoverable path to burnout. Even your parents wouldn't want that for you. Recognize it simply takes more than one full time person to look over one aged person. Save your sanity and employ that full timer, don't try to do it yourself.

Mom has a great sense of humor. A while back she gave me a card with a New Yorker cartoon in it. The cartoon was an exasperated shoe salesman serving an impossible-to-please old lady and there are shoeboxes strewn everywhere. In one he hasn't reached for yet, he has brought a pistol. Mom thought that was hilarious and said she expected I would find it funny too. In other words, Mom recognizes the stress she causes, she just can't do anything about it.

You have to recognize that the crisis mode you have gotten sucked into is the 'new normal', and arrange things for your own family to survive in that environment.

And don't expect siblings to respect your sacrifices. It doesn't work that way.
Click to expand...

Very well said. That's what I was tring to say, and couldn't find the words.
 
Bonehead I know all to well what you are going thru. I was the only one to take care of BOTH my parents. Momma died at 57 and Daddy at 67. I stayed with her for weeks at a time while leaving my baby under a year old. All 4 of my siblings had obligations and only did short visits. When she passed, Daddy was a suicide risk. For 10 more years. My brothers and sisters criticized how i took care of Momma and how I didn't seem to cry as much as they did. (it's called shock) Daddy died this past Thanksgiving from Cancer. I took him to Dr. visits and stayed next to him in the hospital night and day. When Hospice took over I didn't leave his side for 3 weeks. As Daddy lay in a deep sleep from the pain meds, my brother was leaving to go home and eat supper (as her did everyday) and told me "he" didn't have to be there just watch Daddy die. I hadn't been taking "chill pills" I would have knocked his head off. My reason for doing that with Momma and Daddy was It was the last chance to show my love, appreciation, and loyalty to them. Knowing how much I would miss them and would later give anything for just a few more minutes with them. I constantly remind Redneck that one day he will miss the crazy stress and problems with his momma. One day he will wish the phone will ring with her on the other end just being nosie and aggravating. Your family will survive and be there long after your parents are gone. You are setting a loving example for your family.
 
urednecku said:
Bone, I feel for ya. I was also thrust into a similar situation about 3yrs ago when my dear Dad passed on, leaving me to take care of Mama, (in the early stages of Alzheimer's), their 70 acres, (including 5 in orange grove), my own family, and my full time job. Mom's depression and dementia got worse, & she was fighting me tring to help her with meds. We don't know if she was taking any, or taking it 3 times a day. After coming out of hospital with a bout of pneumonia, she had to go to assisted living, the facility about 3 miles from the house. With her meds strait and thinking clear, she signed the place over to me, saying I had done more for her and Daddy than my brother and 3 sisters put together. (For their own reasons, they were too busy to help out much.) This caused hard feelings with my siblings, all living within 5 miles.
I thank God every day for my wife, there is no way I could do it all my self. Cory pretty much sees to it Mama is taken care of while I try to make the place make a profit, which goes to take care of Mom.
Bonehead, you will not regret helping out your parents. May God bless you for it. You, and all your family, are in our prayers.
Click to expand...


You two are one hell of a great couple.................
 
BoneheadNW said:
I arrived home last night after over 3 weeks of being away. My father is terminally ill. My parents have been reluctant to change their lifestyle to suit my father's needs. Strains have been put on the entire family causing arguments and fights that no one had ever thought possible. I have had to make decisions for my father that I never thought I would have to make as I am the youngest of his children and have never been in a position of control. I have had to care for my father much the same way that my parents had to care for me when I was very young, a man who, until a few months ago, was a strong dominant guy. I have to consider the future, my job, where I live, the needs of my wife and kids, and how I will be able to help care for my parents.

I write this not to ask for sympathy or prayers, but to let you all know what my situation is. I know that my family will get through this, but it has surely taken a toll.
Bonehead
Click to expand...



Man do I feel for you. I worry about this with my inlaws.................he could not boil water and if she goes first we dont know for sure what to do.
 
Well I don't doubt that anyone here would argue that your dad knows he is in good hands with you... and it appears that the rest of the family knows that too but may not admit it!
 
ddrane2115 said:
You two are one hell of a great couple.................
Click to expand...
The greatest gift Redneck has ever given me was "time".... When I was by Momma, and Daddy's side until death, he was at home taking my place. He never complained about the time I was away from home even though days turned into weeks. He just kept bringing me clean close and my kids to cheer me up. I didn't lose my sanity because of him. He was a shield between me and the outside world.
He was just being himself and loving me. Now with his Mom is the bad shape she's in ...... it's my turn to show him what it's like to be loved like that.
 
Hang in there. You will not regret caring for your parents. Situations like this show a lot about a person's character. You have my respect.

I have a feeling of your situation. My wife is going through something similar. Her mother has had Parkinson's for three or four years. My wife took a CNA course when this started and spends a couple weeks a month helping her dad care for her.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top