P
Pigtails
Guest
What took so long?
My mother was a fanatic about public restrooms. When I was a little
girl, she'd take me into the stall, show me how to wad up toilet
paper and
wipe the seat. Then she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to
cover
the
seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet
seat.
Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing
over
the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your
flesh
make contact with the toilet seat.
That was a long time ago. Now, in my "mature" years, "The Stance" is
excruciatingly difficult to maintain. When you have to visit a public
bathroom,
you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your
place.
Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors.
Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in,
nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter.
The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's
Mom,
no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door
hook,
if there were one, but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly
drape it
around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on
the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe
the
seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you
discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you
can
hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean
the
seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"
Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday -
the
one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it
in
the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work.
The
door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of
your chest, and you and your purse, topple backward against the tank
of
the
toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping
your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose
your
footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet of course.
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare
bottom
has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the
uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that
there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew,
because, you're certain, her bare bottom never touched a public toilet
seat
because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases
you
could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire
hose
that
somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the
toilet
paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that point, you
give
up.
You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're
exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your
pocket
and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out
how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe
your
hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of
women,
still
waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet
paper trailing from your shoe. ( Where was that when you NEEDED it??)
You
yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her
warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and
left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long,
and
why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public
restroom
(rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men
what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly
asked
question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the
other
gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under
the door.
My mother was a fanatic about public restrooms. When I was a little
girl, she'd take me into the stall, show me how to wad up toilet
paper and
wipe the seat. Then she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to
cover
the
seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet
seat.
Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing
over
the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your
flesh
make contact with the toilet seat.
That was a long time ago. Now, in my "mature" years, "The Stance" is
excruciatingly difficult to maintain. When you have to visit a public
bathroom,
you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your
place.
Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors.
Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in,
nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter.
The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's
Mom,
no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door
hook,
if there were one, but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly
drape it
around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on
the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe
the
seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you
discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you
can
hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean
the
seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"
Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday -
the
one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it
in
the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work.
The
door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of
your chest, and you and your purse, topple backward against the tank
of
the
toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping
your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose
your
footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet of course.
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare
bottom
has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the
uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that
there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew,
because, you're certain, her bare bottom never touched a public toilet
seat
because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases
you
could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire
hose
that
somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the
toilet
paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that point, you
give
up.
You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're
exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your
and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out
how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe
your
hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of
women,
still
waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet
paper trailing from your shoe. ( Where was that when you NEEDED it??)
You
yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her
warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and
left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long,
and
why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public
restroom
(rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men
what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly
asked
question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the
other
gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under
the door.
