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Death......how to let someone go!

NorthernRedneck

NorthernRedneck

Well-known member
How do you let someone you love go? My grandfather was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer two months ago. I just got back from the hospital from visiting him. Today might very well be his last day on earth. I was up to see him last evening. We had a nice time together. My youngest son shared an icecream with him. Just after I left, he took a turn for the worst. We were basically the last ones to have a rational conversation with him. Today, his breathing is getting more and more laboured and he is basically drowning in his own fluids. It's so hard to sit by and watch him suffer like this. I realize that everyone must pass on at some point but why do people have to suffer like this?
 
groomerguyNWO said:
why do people have to suffer like this?
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I suppose the easy answer is because it makes living life more valuable.

My mom took over a year to die of cancer, my dad only about a week from heart failure. But it was a damn long week. My father in law went into the hospital on a Thursday and we buried him the next Tuesday. My mother in law was bedridden for over a decade.

I guess I'm the wrong one to give you an answer as to WHY. What I do know is there is no good way to prepare for this stuff. It is always hard no matter what you do to get ready. God be with you and your Grandfather.
 
You have my sympathy. I buried my wife about three weeks ago after watching her fight and suffer from cancer since 2003, and nursing and caring for her much of that time. I finally reached the point that I wished she could go on and get past the suffering, but she continued to fight it for several more months. For the past couple of years we've known that she probably didn't have long and during the last six months I thought that death was closer than it was. I had plenty of time that I knew it was coming, but that doesn't lessen the feeling of loss or do anything for the loneliness.
My previous wife was healthy as a horse and we were looking forward to growing old together. One day she was driving home during a lunch break from a temporary job and killed in an accident. There was no time to prepare myself and I had to move from happy that morning to immediately dealing with the situation.
I don't think it really makes a difference to those of us who are the survivors whether it's a sudden loss or a long period of illness so far as the grieving is concerned. Because of the suffering involved with a long illness, and the difficulty of caring for someone in that situation for the family, I can tell you that quicker is easier.
But there's no easy way to deal with the loss. Hopefully time will help.
 
Thanks for the support guys! I know I'm not the only one going through this type of thing. I couldn't imagine losing my wife to something like this. My thoughts are with you as I know how hard this is.
 
Your question, I think, is an impossible one to answer. Each individual has their own "timeclock" for dealing with the death of someone near and dear. I know that when the time comes for my parents to pass on, losing my dad will be much harder than losing my mom. Each death we deal with is a different one. You'll know when it's time to let go. People around you will be full of advice on how to deal. The simple fact is that most of them are full of beans. They mean well, but don't know how to "be there" for you.

As to your question about the suffering. Only God, Himself knows. Someday, you'll be able to ask Him to his face and he will give you an answer which will make perfect sense.

My sincerest sympathies to you. I think my email is in my profile, so if you feel a a need to vent, drop a line. I promise I'll read every word.
Monte a/k/a Trakternut
 
Update.............spent much of the past 3 days at the hospital by his side along with other family members. We had a couple of close calls when the nurses called in the rest of the family but he still pulled through. I don't know what's keeping him going as two days ago, we had to stop giving him water and he hasn't eaten since a bit of ice cream thursday night. Reason we had to stop giving him water is that, with every drop of water he took in, he would begin coughing uncontrolably and would stop breathing for 10-20 seconds. His heart would also stop for a few seconds then start racing once he began breathing again. I spent the night by his side last night and the night before. It's only a matter of time!
 
Further to last post..........what the h-ll are those nurses thinking? Just because my mother questioned them why they would remove his IV, they made up a report on my mother and aunt for the doctor to see. The doctor came in and told my mom and aunt that he's holding on because they aren't accepting him dying. He recommended sending them to a psychiatric institution to help them deal with it. And all they did was ask quickly why the IV was removed.
 
groomerguyNWO said:
The doctor came in and told my mom and aunt that he's holding on because they aren't accepting him dying.
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Jan and I found out with my father who did pass on April 20th after a long fight with congestive heart disease, that he did need to hear from us it was ok to let go. He passed with in an hour of our acceptance and hearing from us it was ok and to not fight it anymore as the suffering and pain for him and us was not going to change the final outcome.

Acceptance is a great help on part of all the parties to make it easier and relieve some of the suffering and hurt which is always a part of the death process.

I do believe the medical staff should of approached your situation in a better and more professional manner. The medical staff associated with my fathers illness and death were all great to be around and very supportive in preparing the family for the final outcome without being offensive.
 
Well, he passed peacefully this morning with the whole family by his side. Now, the greiving process can begin and I'm fine with that. It's almost like a wieght has been lifted. We have all been greiving for the past 2 months with this illness. I'm just glad that there's no more suffering. He's at peace now!

RIP grampa!.......
 
My condolences to you and your family. It's never easy to let go, but it's something we all go through eventually. Hang in there.
 
I am sorry for your loss. We all know that we must go sometime and it sounds like your family can now take comfort that your grandfather's suffering has passed and can now begin to celebrate his life in all of your fond memories of him.
 
My condolences to you and your family. Death of a close family member is never easy and our prayer are there for you and your family to remain strong as your grandfather would of wanted through this tough time. Always remember what he has been and shown to you and your family as that is the most important thing that he would of wanted of you at this time.

Bill and Jan
 
Sorry to hear about his death, but the suffering that he has been going through is finally over and, at very least, that should provide some comfort you and the rest of the family. God Bless your grandfather and may he find peace now.
 
Well guys, I guess it's true that when it rains, it pours. Just over a month since my grandfather passed away from lung cancer and now we just found out this week that my grandmother has been diagnosed with colon cancer. We don't know all the details yet as to how far it's spread and stuff until all the tests are done but it looks like we'll be going through hell all over again!
 
Brian, I'm not sure how to explain to you how I can relate, but I had both of my parents dying at the same time in different hospitals, so I guess all I can say is that you can make it through this period of your life, but I can honestly tell you that other than prayer and reflection, I'm not really sure how to advise you. With any luck at all, you will find that your grandmother's cancer was caught early. If so, it is very treatable. If caught later, I gather it is much harder to treat. We had a family friend who passed of colon cancer because he refused treatments, I still don't understand why. But I'll add your grandmother to my prayers and hope that this will work out for her and your family.
 
Well, she had surgery last thursday and seemed to be doing good for the first bit then started to go downhill. I just got a call from my mom who's been with her at the hospital 3 hours away. Apparrently, she went from talking normally and being in good spirits, to acting drunk, to being in a coma, to thrashing and banging in her bed causing them to restrain her to her bed. Now, it looks like her heartbeat is irregular, her breathing is erratic, and the doctors asked my mother what the family's wishes were.(how hard should they try to revive her if she should slip out so to speak) So, not looking good. After everything we went through with my grandpa earlier this summer, we don't even know how to react to this now. Bob, I can surely undrstand what you went through with your parents. I mean, they were both getting on in age and we knew eventually they would be gone but to have both of them pass on within months of each other from cancer..............
 
groomerguyNWO said:
Well, she had surgery last thursday and seemed to be doing good for the first bit then started to go downhill. . .
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I saw that happen several times with my parents. My dad was in the hospital on my birthday, the doctors said he would not make it. A few weeks later he was out and walking around again. And then things turned. The human body can do some amazing things, I think much of it is driven by mental attitude. My dad wasn't ready to give up and his mind fought his body. Ultimately the body just wears down. I'm sorry to say it, but I suspect that your grandmother's body is fighting her mind and unless her body has some fight left in it, then it will just slow down and eventually stop.
 
I know this question is kinda old and hope it's ok to reply to it even though it was posted a few months ago. I lost a brother about a year and half ago and now my mothers health is going downhill. I've been wondering how I can let go....I feel like when I look at the past I see grief and when I look ahead, I see more grief. Not much to look forward to. Anyway, I came across this and found some comfort in it. Thought I'd post it and hope it will bring comfort to someone else who is going through a rough time.

"In the end, there comes a time when we need to let ourselves, or the person dear to us, leave the body, just as when a person needs to rest. It can be wrong to resist the process of death, whether it be yours or that of another. So we should not begrudge another of his death. We should not be unwilling to let him or her go. It is his opportunity to become free of his present restraints and limitations. It is his chance to enter a better realm to continue with his progress. He is not leaving us, he is simply going on before us. Death is not an enemy, it can be like the friend who cuts the chain that holds the anchor which prevents one from sailing to greater horizons."
 
Wish that I had seen this one.

As some of you know my daughter passed away at 14 years old in her bed at home. She was a diabetic and fairly fragile at that. She also had other situations but according to the autopsy NONE of these were at fault for her death.

My wife and I, unknown to us, were investigated for murder, we found out 5 months later.

As for letting go, that would be and was very tough. Auty was awake at 9 pm and according to the reports, dead at 9:15. She had just went to bed. They informed us that nothing could have been done, she died, period. It is still hard on us at times.

We met this past summer, her namesake. One of her friends named her firstborn after her, and again, as now the tears were flowing.

My father passed away Jan 1, 2004, of congestive heart disease. He was 87. Praise to God above, the night before he died he knew everyone in the room, including his neighbor from across the street, who is more like a son/brother than a neighbor. I dont know why, but when we left that nite after visiting hours, I told the neighbor, "you know he is not coming home", he agreed and the next day, with my mother and sister holding his hands and telling him, it is ok.........he died. I and my brother were 10 minutes to late, but I know that at that second he was with Jesus, walking streets of gold........see dad had not walked for 3 years. I give some credit to them being there to tell him ok, and the nurses comfirmed that even though he could not respond at all, he could hear. I still greive my dad, but it is easier knowing he can walk again.

God Bless you as you go down this path of greiving and recovery
 
groomerguyNWO said:
Well, she had surgery last thursday and seemed to be doing good for the first bit then started to go downhill. I just got a call from my mom who's been with her at the hospital 3 hours away. Apparrently, she went from talking normally and being in good spirits, to acting drunk, to being in a coma, to thrashing and banging in her bed causing them to restrain her to her bed. Now, it looks like her heartbeat is irregular, her breathing is erratic, and the doctors asked my mother what the family's wishes were.(how hard should they try to revive her if she should slip out so to speak) So, not looking good. After everything we went through with my grandpa earlier this summer, we don't even know how to react to this now. Bob, I can surely undrstand what you went through with your parents. I mean, they were both getting on in age and we knew eventually they would be gone but to have both of them pass on within months of each other from cancer..............
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Figured I'd give an update on this. After her her surgery and the "scare" afterwards, she ended up pulling through and came home within two weeks. Then, the problems started. First, the docotrs here removed her stiches on the 4 inch cut they had to make. Within a couple days, the wound reopened and they(doctors) say they won't re-stich them so essentially, she's got a 4 inch open wound on her stomach.(covered with bandages of course) They said she would have to go through chemo to keep the cancer from spreading but they won't do it now because of the open wound. They said it would probably kill her at this point if they did try chemo. The doctors figure that they weren't able to get all of the cancer the first surgry and she is too weak to go for another surgery. So basically, it's just a matter of time. Basically, all we can do for her now is make her last days more meaningful.
 
It's been over a year now and she's still going......not strong, but going. My grandmother is now on oxygen permanently and has been in and out of the hospital for various complications associated with the cancer. The opening on her stomach finally healed up after a year. She saw a specialist last week to assess her condition and basically, what it boils down to is that the cancer has now spread to he lungs.(which is what my grandfather had) At this stage, there's nothing more that can be done for her so it's basically a waiting game as we watch her go downhill. This will most likely be her last christmas.
 
mtntopper said:
Jan and I found out with my father who did pass on April 20th after a long fight with congestive heart disease, that he did need to hear from us it was ok to let go. He passed with in an hour of our acceptance and hearing from us it was ok and to not fight it anymore as the suffering and pain for him and us was not going to change the final outcome.

Acceptance is a great help on part of all the parties to make it easier and relieve some of the suffering and hurt which is always a part of the death process.

I do believe the medical staff should of approached your situation in a better and more professional manner. The medical staff associated with my fathers illness and death were all great to be around and very supportive in preparing the family for the final outcome without being offensive.
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100% in line with what is the truth. Nurses told my mom and sister that dad could still hear them, even though he could not and did not respond. He died a short few minutes after them telling him it is ok to go on ahead to his heavenly home. See, I and my mother believe in life after life, and I know my dad is walking streets of gold................he did not walk in this life for 3 years pervious to his passing. Your docs and nursing staff should be reported and fired...........quite simply they would be banned from his room. Talk to the hospital admin
 
It is my understanding the hearing is the last sense to go. There are numerous articles in hospice journals to that effect. I always talk to my patients (even after they have passed as I prepare their bodies) and I encourage my families to do the same. Talking and touching I think that is very important. When it comes my Mama's time (many years from now, I pray), I plan on sitting at the head of the bed with my Mama cradled in my arms. Into her arms I was placed on my arrival and I want her to be in my arms upon her departure.

One of my frustrations in caring for terminally ill patients is that the patient feels they need to be strong for the family and the family feels they need to be strong for the patient and no one is talking. When the patient passes, I hear family members crying in the hallway saying "I wish I had told her x&x." That makes me crazy! Having lost someone to sudden death, I can't help but see a prolonged illness as a bit of a blessing in that it allows time for preparation and to say the things that need to be said....for the patient to voice fears, regrets, joys,blessings, and for the family to do the same.

Not too long ago, I cared for an elderly woman as she passed away, when I came on shift, her hair was disheveled and her lips were gummed up and dry. I washed her face and cleaned her mouth then washed and combed her hair. I talked to her all the while and I told her of each family member that was present and how "we can't have you reuniting with your parents looking all afright". I talked about how excited her parents would be to see her again and how they would hug her and I tried to paint a joyful picture. She tarried another 2.5 hours and then she was off to her reunion. A peaceful departure surrounded by loved ones.

This stands out for me because working in critical care, this is not how many of our elderly go to their reunions. Many times they go after having ribs cracked and tubes rammed down their throats and every natural orifice and then some. Some even get to experience a little jolt courtesy of the local power company. a traumatic and less than dignified death.
 
This christmas will most likely be an emotional one for the family. Most likely my grandma's last christmas. To make things even more interesting, my uncle who lives out in Manitoba will be coming down for the holidays to spend time with his mom(grandma). While all this is going on with her, we just found out that he is also being tesed for pancreatic cancer as there is a growth on his pancreas. My mother is taking all this kind of hard since we lost grandpa last year, then grandma's cancer, now her brother might also have it.
 
CityGirl said:
It is my understanding the hearing is the last sense to go. There are numerous articles in hospice journals to that effect. I always talk to my patients (even after they have passed as I prepare their bodies) and I encourage my families to do the same. Talking and touching I think that is very important. When it comes my Mama's time (many years from now, I pray), I plan on sitting at the head of the bed with my Mama cradled in my arms. Into her arms I was placed on my arrival and I want her to be in my arms upon her departure.

One of my frustrations in caring for terminally ill patients is that the patient feels they need to be strong for the family and the family feels they need to be strong for the patient and no one is talking. When the patient passes, I hear family members crying in the hallway saying "I wish I had told her x&x." That makes me crazy! Having lost someone to sudden death, I can't help but see a prolonged illness as a bit of a blessing in that it allows time for preparation and to say the things that need to be said....for the patient to voice fears, regrets, joys,blessings, and for the family to do the same.

Not too long ago, I cared for an elderly woman as she passed away, when I came on shift, her hair was disheveled and her lips were gummed up and dry. I washed her face and cleaned her mouth then washed and combed her hair. I talked to her all the while and I told her of each family member that was present and how "we can't have you reuniting with your parents looking all afright". I talked about how excited her parents would be to see her again and how they would hug her and I tried to paint a joyful picture. She tarried another 2.5 hours and then she was off to her reunion. A peaceful departure surrounded by loved ones.

This stands out for me because working in critical care, this is not how many of our elderly go to their reunions. Many times they go after having ribs cracked and tubes rammed down their throats and every natural orifice and then some. Some even get to experience a little jolt courtesy of the local power company. a traumatic and less than dignified death.
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CG, You always say the right things when it comes to this kind of stuff.
I'm always touched.
If there is one thing I've learned in all the losses I have experienced it's that if my husband goes before me, and not long after I have the chance to go be with him... I have told all of my kids, "don't keep saving me". Let me go when I have the chance.
katie said:
"In the end, there comes a time when we need to let ourselves, or the person dear to us, leave the body, just as when a person needs to rest. It can be wrong to resist the process of death, whether it be yours or that of another. So we should not begrudge another of his death. We should not be unwilling to let him or her go. It is his opportunity to become free of his present restraints and limitations. It is his chance to enter a better realm to continue with his progress. He is not leaving us, he is simply going on before us. Death is not an enemy, it can be like the friend who cuts the chain that holds the anchor which prevents one from sailing to greater horizons."
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I love this katie....thanks
 
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