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BLOND JOKES!!

  • Thread starter Thread starter Pigtails
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Pigtails

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DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE THAT:

. thinks a quarter back is a refund
. tried to drown a fish
. sent a fax with a stamp on it
. tried to place a bag of M&Ms in alphabetical order
. took a ruler to bed so she could see how long she slept
. got an AM radio, it took her 10 months to figure out she could use it at night

:pat: :yum: :smileywac
 
Pigtails said:
tried to place a bag of M&Ms in alphabetical order
Click to expand...

Is she the same one that got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away the "W"s? ;)
 
bczoom said:
Is she the same one that got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away the "W"s? ;)
Click to expand...

Couldn't tell ya as I'm not blonde, but sounds like a very good possibility!!:D
 
Dear Diary,

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kinds.But today I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.


Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!


Helllooooo? It's been a year! There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up... He didn't call back.

Guess I won that stupid argument!
 
Here's one:

What does a blond and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?


They both swallow a lot of seamen.
 
Q: Why do blondes wear ponytails?
A: To hide the valve stem!

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.

Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air.

Imitation of a blonde refuelling..
(Flap hand, blowing air into ears)

Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool?
A: Air Pockets
 
There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office.

Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.

The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so she could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.

The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again.

"No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"
:pat:
 
The New York Police Department were investigating the mysterious death
of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window of his
11th-story office. Jill, his voluptuous private secretary could offer no
explanation for the action but said that her boss had been acting
peculiarly ever since she started working for him, a month ago.

"After my very first week on the job," Jill said, "I received
a $20 raise. At the end of the 2nd week he called me into his private
office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings
and said, 'These are for a beautiful efficient secretary."

"At the end of the third week he gave me a fabulous mink stole. Then,
this afternoon, he called me into his private office again, presented me
with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I could consider
making love to him and what it would cost."

"I told him that I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he
could have it for $5, although I was charging all the other guys in the
office ten. That's when he jumped out the window."
 
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked
up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel.
There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going
to give
you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of
alcohol."
She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After
a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like
you've had a couple of stiff ones." She turned red, and replied, "You
mean it shows that, too?"

-----------------------------

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
 
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length.
 
Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboycoming down the street with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his
boots.

So the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up
he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The cowboy says " Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the
road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home
with her....and I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt...so I did....

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants...
so I did...

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts... so I did...

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says,
Now go to town cowboy....

So here I am."
 
Did you hear about the two blondes that froze to death in a Minnesota drive-in movie?


They went to see "Closed for the Winter." :yum:
 
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up about which eye was which that finally, completely out of patience, the doctor took a paper bag, punched a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

Soon after he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.
"Look " said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional. You’re only getting glasses."

"I know, I know" agreed the blonde, "but I really wanted to have wire frames."
:cool2:
 
A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....it can keep hot things hot and cold things cold."

"Wow,” said the blonde, "that's amazing....I'm going to buy it !" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the very next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that,' he asked?

"Why, it's a thermos.” she replied. “It can keep hot things hot and cold things cold.”
Her boss inquired, “That’s nice. What do you have in it?"

The blond replied, "Two popcycles and some coffee!"
:yankchain:
 
Breaststroke Competition

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the winner.

About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a bad loser, but those two other girls were using their arms."

:pat:
 
BLONDE LOGIC

GEOGRAPHY
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor".
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just
yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show
it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the
other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and
siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said,
"We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled
the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in
a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

DOG NAMES
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
 
Jill, a blonde, went to a "Dude Ranch" on vacation.

The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English
saddle, and she asked what the difference was.

He told her one had a horn, and one didn't.

Jill replies, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll
run into too much traffic out here."
 
Doc said:
Jill, a blonde, went to a "Dude Ranch" on vacation.

The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English
saddle, and she asked what the difference was.

He told her one had a horn, and one didn't.

Jill replies, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll
run into too much traffic out here."
Click to expand...


:yum: good one doc.
 
bczoom said:
BLONDE LOGIC

GEOGRAPHY
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor".
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just
yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show
it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the
other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and
siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said,
"We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled
the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in
a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

DOG NAMES
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
Click to expand...

GEEZ! I'm glad I'm not a blonde. All these jokes are appropriate.. :D
 
Sorry IQ, you know how the blonde jokes go. I guess all of us that are other than blonde are rather envious..
 
Blonde Convention"

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium

for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader

says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that

blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde

gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up

to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000

blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her

another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone

to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we

have the world-wide press and global broadcast media

here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets

out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened, the blonde

starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave

their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!

GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm

than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more

chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually

says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all

80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp

their feet and scream...

"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER

CHANCE!"
 
Subject: Blonde's Year In Review

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!:confused2:

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2-4 years!":yum:

April - Trapped on escalator for hours..... power went out!!!:pat: :smileywac

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong
instructions.... 8 cups of water
won't fit into those little packets!!!:D

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!:hide:

August - Got locked out of my car in rainstorm.....car swamped because
soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???:yankchain:

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!:zzz:

December - Couldn't call 911...."duh"........ there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!


What a year!!
:Whacky_To
 
Did you hear of the two blondes who froze to death at the drivein movie? They wanted to see"Closed for the season".
Mike
 
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.



She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.



In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.



Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.



Unfortunately her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.



As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune....



Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
 
A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one
day so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the
road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the
trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and
stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing
oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in
trench coats exposing their nude bodies to
approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and
backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car
arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches
the Blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is
going on here?

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard
pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...

"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"
 
7 degrees of blonde

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said "How should I know,
that's 300 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know,
some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde
says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,. -:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him
in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun,
and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*

FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman,
sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade
was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said,
"That was the decision George Washington had to make
before he crossed the Delaware"

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-,_,.-:*´`´*

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,
the blonde ran out on the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog,
then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,
"I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."
 
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