Found at Washington Square (Indy)
On the evening of September 23rd I was working on my car outside Harbor Freight. When you came up to me, held me at gunpoint, and told me you were taking my car I already knew you weren't bright. I had the hood up and was covered in grease. It wouldn't take a mental giant to realize the car wouldn't run in that state.
But I digress. The second stupid thing you did was turn away from me to lean into the car to try and steal stuff. I liked how you passed up the expensive items in the back seat and went for the shitty radio. I hope I didn't hurt your legs too bad when I kicked the door in on them. I also hope your throat isn't sore after I ripped you out of the car. Did you hit your head when I threw you on the ground? Sorry about that. Of course you probably weren't thinking about those minor things while I was beating the absolute shit out of you. You were pretty fast once I let you run away though.
In any case I think I have a few things that belong to you. You left a bottle of shitty beer in my car. I also have the back cover for your cellphone along with the battery. Too bad you can't call your homies now. I think something may have fallen out of your pocket and into mine during the scuffle though. When I got home and took a shower to get all of your blood off of me I threw my clothes on the floor and heard a pretty loud thud. When I moved said clothes I was baffled.
Dude, why did you have a butt plug on you??? That's messed up, man. I mean, what you do in private is cool and I'm not here to judge you, but why would you have a butt plug with you when you go out? And it was stained on the end. Clean your toys, man.
I'm pretty sure you managed to get $40 out of the center console of my car before I beat you senseless. You can keep it though. $40 is a pretty cheap price to pay for the opportunity to give a lowlife thug a taste of his own medicine. Ok well $40 and a car wash. Dude, your blood is all over my car window. Like seriously everywhere. You're very fortunate that you chose to try and carjack me on the ONE day I chose to leave my gun at home. If I was you I probably wouldn't try a stunt like this again. One day you're going to get killed.
So anyway. If you're from the east side of Indy and lost a bottle of beer and a butt plug out of your pocket while you were getting your ass kicked, feel free to contact me. Oh wait. No you can't contact me because I have half your phone. Oh well. Sorry about the pain you're surely in now that the adrenaline has worn off.
Seriously, who carries a butt plug in their pocket?????
