A man walks into a bar sits down and sees a monkey behind the bar. the man looks at the bartender and ask him why there is a monkey there. The bartender says just don't worry about it and drink up.
The man keeps drinking and asks again why is there a monkey behind the bar.
The bartender says fine i will show you.
The bartender opens the cage and the monkey hops out, then the bartender takes a bat and hits the monkey in the head. The monkey walks up to the bartender pulls the bartenders pants off and blows him. Then the monkey hops back in the cage.
The guy looks at the bartender and says that is the coolest thing he has ever seen.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says well do you want to try then.
So the guy looks at the bartender and says "sure but don't hit me as hard"
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Lady Walks into a Sex Store..... Tells the Guy Behind the Counter "I'm Looking for a new Dildo, Where are they?"
Guy behinds the Counter Points to the back wall and Says Over there.
Lady walks over, Grabs the First one she sees, Sizes it up, and walks back to the Counter, "I Don't Like red, Do you have this one In White???"
The Guy Looks up "Lady, I Meant Next to the Fire Extinguisher"
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What did the egg say to the boiling water?......I can't get hard now I just got laid.
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What did Hellen Keller Say when she found the Cheese Grater???? "That's the Most Violent book I've ever Read!"
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Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.
After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.
"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."
"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.
"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.
"We know," says the young man. "We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."
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On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, 'You should be hung!'
I took a drink from my can of Miller Lite, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied,
'I am. That's why she cuts the grass.'
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3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.
The first man a 20 year old Newly wed, walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do it."
The next interviewee, a 30 year old wed for 10 years, came into the office. The Agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry,i love my wife to much and cant do it" he said.
The last man, a 50 year old, married for 25 years,came into the office. The interviewer said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.
The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!"
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The man keeps drinking and asks again why is there a monkey behind the bar.
The bartender says fine i will show you.
The bartender opens the cage and the monkey hops out, then the bartender takes a bat and hits the monkey in the head. The monkey walks up to the bartender pulls the bartenders pants off and blows him. Then the monkey hops back in the cage.
The guy looks at the bartender and says that is the coolest thing he has ever seen.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says well do you want to try then.
So the guy looks at the bartender and says "sure but don't hit me as hard"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Lady Walks into a Sex Store..... Tells the Guy Behind the Counter "I'm Looking for a new Dildo, Where are they?"
Guy behinds the Counter Points to the back wall and Says Over there.
Lady walks over, Grabs the First one she sees, Sizes it up, and walks back to the Counter, "I Don't Like red, Do you have this one In White???"
The Guy Looks up "Lady, I Meant Next to the Fire Extinguisher"
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What did the egg say to the boiling water?......I can't get hard now I just got laid.
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What did Hellen Keller Say when she found the Cheese Grater???? "That's the Most Violent book I've ever Read!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.
After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.
"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."
"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.
"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.
"We know," says the young man. "We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, 'You should be hung!'
I took a drink from my can of Miller Lite, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied,
'I am. That's why she cuts the grass.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.
The first man a 20 year old Newly wed, walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do it."
The next interviewee, a 30 year old wed for 10 years, came into the office. The Agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry,i love my wife to much and cant do it" he said.
The last man, a 50 year old, married for 25 years,came into the office. The interviewer said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.
The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!"
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